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You Are Bart Simpson |
 Very misunderstood, most people just dismiss you as "trouble." Little do they know that you’re wise and well accomplished beyond your years. You will be remembered for: starring in your own TV show and saving the town from a comet Your life philosophy: "I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why I enjoyed it, and I don’t know why I’ll do it again!" |
Good Morning, Jesus
To Him who reigns upon the throne and to the Lamb
To the true and faithful King, who created everything
To the glorious Son of God and Son of Man
Who gave His body and His blood
To take away the sins of all the worldAll creation bows
Before Him nowAll glory and honor and praise
Jesus, You are worthy
Jesus, You are worthy
All power and wisdom and strength
Jesus, all the glory belongs to Your name
So we worship You forever! Amen.
All Glory written by David Regier, performed by the Women of Faith Worship Team on their album "Amazing Freedom"
Craving
Have you ever gotten a craving for salt? I don’t mean salty foods, I mean salt. Like actual salt from the salt shaker.
I’ve been craving salt for over a week now. Salty foods, yes — like black olives. Totally pigging out on black olives this week and still can’t get enough (what is that about, by the way??)– but also just plain old salt. I have that Kosher salt that you use for baking (and making Margaritas, yumm!) and I have been just dipping my wet fingertip in it and eating what sticks; over and over. Goodness, that has to be a little twisted, don’t you think?
I’ve done this since I was a kid too. My mom said even as young as 3 or 4 I was pouring salt into my hand and eating it. She said she was a little alarmed and told my pediatrician, who told her to just let me do it; that at that age it wasn’t a taste thing as much as it was a need thing. That my body probably need more sodium. But I still have these cravings at times as an adult. Can it possibly be the same thing, or have I just gotten into such a habit that now I just crave it sometimes, even when I don’t need it?
I’m also going crazy with the lemonade. I do the Crystal Light version and water it down so it’s not as strong as they suggest, but still packs a pucker. Maybe it’s not so much a salt craving as it is just a sour phase I’m going through?
Geez, I’m weird.
Now That’s What I’m Talkin’ About!
Rock! On!
Twister, Not The Movie
Wow. What a ride it’s been tonight. Not the Super Tuesday night I expected. Instead of watching returns, I was glued to the non-stop weather reports on WKRN. The most excellent weather folks in town, btw. Thanks all of you for your diligence and constant vigilance.
I think a tornado passed just blocks west of us. We heard the train noise and the wind, which had been eerily quiet and calm suddenly picked up wildly. So we went into my walk-in closet, the only inner room in the house that didn’t have any mirrors or windows, and waited it out. Shortly thereafter, we lost power. It stayed off for probably 10 minutes or so, which was a lot less time than I expected. With the power loss shutting television and heating fans off, we could clearly hear the train sound and the wind. But it only lasted a few moments and then was gone.
By the time we got power back and TiVo finally rebooted, the "hook echo" thing on the
radar was almost into downtown. When they replayed the radar over the last hour, we could see that that hook was almost on top of us at one point. Whoa.
I think I like Twister better when it’s on my dvd player and my teevee than when it’s over my house.
I’m pooped. And another round is coming.
Please be praying for all the kids at Union University (and their worried parents). It sounds like they got hit pretty hard, especially the dorms — where most of the students were at the time the twister hit. Baptist Press sent out an email alert, stating:
Union University in Jackson, Tenn., sustained heavy tornado damage Tuesday evening at approximately 7 pm when a line of heavy thunderstorms rushed through the area.
At 8:15 central, news and information director, Tim Ellsworth, reported that students were still trapped by debris in their dorms. At least four of those students have been rescued. Dorms in both the men’s and women’s areas have been destroyed.
"We currently have no serious injuries that we know of and rescue operations are still continuing," Ellsworth said. "Many buildings sustained heavy damage."
One student called into WKRN to report on his experience and while he
was on the phone the weather folks were able to rewind their radar
and see the clear hook echo and "sheer markers"/rotation they had on
their radar at the very time the student said Union got hit. Wild.
One Day at a Time
"If God gives such
attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even
seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his
best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not
be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving.
People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things,
but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality,
God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll
find all your everyday human concerns will be met."Give
your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get
worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you
deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." — Matt 6:30-34
Sometimes life just gets away from me. Some of those times I feel like I’m trying to catch a bus that’s already pulling away from the curb. But other times, like this week, I feel like I’m on a roller-coaster. I’m on the ride — not running beside trying to get on — which is good, but the thing is going so fast and looping around so much I can’t focus on anything. Not so good. And even though I’m securely strapped in, I feel very much like I’m going to fall out. Or at least lose everything in my pockets.
Know what I mean?
I used to think the phrase from which I pulled the title of this post was trite and irrelevant. How wrong I was! It’s in times like this week, with work and school and church and my own emotional and spiritual healing and recovery all clamoring for attention — all needing my focus, my time, my energy — that I learn that the only way I can get through and still maintain my sanity is to live one day at a time. And sometimes it’s one hour at a time; one minute at a time; one second at a time—-trusting God to take care of the minutes, hours, days, even months, to come because I just cannot think that far ahead without going crazy with fear.
It’s hard to surrender control of my future to God. I want to be the Master of My Own Destiny! The Queen of my own Domain! Yet when I look back over my life, I realize that I’m not such a good Master, and an even worse queen (unless we’re talking Drama!); and the Destiny and Domains I chose just aren’t all that. Even so, I struggle with letting go.
I know it’s illusion. I know I can’t really control my destiny or my domain. Oh sure, I can make my plans, and spin my webs, and work-work-work like a dog to make it all work out the way I want. But in then end, it’s all for naught. I cannot control the world, the economy, the government, my church, my friends, my bosses, my co-workers or the dorks on the road. I cannot control anything but me: my responses, my actions, my words, and my thoughts. I cannot control the wind or which way it blows. I can only adjust my sails to catch as much of it as I can and point my boat in the general direction I want to go.
Yet I try. So hard sometimes.
How do I steep my life in God-reality,
God-initiative, God-provisions? How to I surrender control of things I’m so used to blindly insisting I have control over? How do I give my entire attention to what God is doing right now when so many other things are clamoring for my attention? The only way I know how is to surrender one thing at a time and live one day at a time, one minute at a time.
How are you?
My Wish For 2008
Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of
Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are
cut off.’ Therefore
prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my
people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I
will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them.
I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in
your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I
have done it, declares the LORD.’ " Ezekiel 37:11-14
Nearly ten years ago this was the promise God made to me. And 1999 turned out to be the first year I truly knew I was Alive; really Alive, living the Abundant Life. Funny how the Abundant Life more often than not is hard and painful and messy and… gritty. But in the midst of all that it is so good!
Sometimes I feel like I need
To shake myself
To wake myself
I feel like I’m just sleepwalkin’
Through my life
Its like I’m swimming through
An ocean of emotion
But still somehow slowly
Goin’ numb inside
I don’t like who I’m becomin’
I know I’ve gotta do somethin’
Before my life passes right by
As I drove home on New Year’s Day evening from 10 glorious days at my sister’s home, one of my favorite songs came on my iPod: Josh Gracin’s "I Want To Live" and I found myself reflecting back on that promise God gave me in ’98 and once again crying out to Him with the chorus of Gracin’s song:
I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight to the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I ain’t afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live
Love like I ain’t afraid to be alone. Dang. That. Is. It. That is what I want. I’m so afraid to be alone — still! even now when Jesus has proved so faithful — that I stand at a distance rather than risk investing in new friendships, new relationships with people I may end up falling in love with (and I’m not talking romance here). Haven’t you ever fallen in love with a dear friend (and isn’t that what makes a dear friend "dear"?)? Where you just love everything about them, even the annoying crap? I’ve had maybe a handful of those kinds of friends in my lifetime. Anne of Green Gables called them "bosom friends". I long for one. Yet I fear it too. What if they leave me? What if they die? Then I’ll be alone again. I don’t know if I can handle the pain of death or abandonment again…. Yet my heart yearns for more. I was made for more. I was made for community.
Sometimes I wonder
Why I work so hard to guard my heart
Till I hardly feel anything at all
I’ve spent my whole life building up this ivory tower
And now that I’m in it, I keep wishing it would fall
So I could feel the ground beneath me
Really taste the air I’m breathin’
And know that I’m alive
The cry of my soul is stronger than my fear, it seems. Once again I find myself clinging to God’s promise to Israel, to me, to breathe Life into me that I might Live. Have you ever felt that way? Perhaps not. But for me, there is no going back. I’ve come too far into God’s amazing Abundant Life to let my fears stop me now. So here it is. My wish, my hope, my resolve for 2008. I will pester God until He relents. I want His breath in me. I want Him to continue to breathe Life into my dry bones so that I will Live an know that God has done it.
I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight to the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I ain’t afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live
Somethin deep inside
Keeps sayin’
Life is like a vapor
It’s gone in just a twinklin’ of an eye
Lest you think God doesn’t answer, won’t answer, let me tell you that within a few hours of my prayer on highway 74 in North Carolina, I had another real taste of Abundant Living on the 40 (I-40 for all you non-Californians) on the Cumberland Plateau. As I left Knoxville and headed up the mountains it started snow. Beautiful, big dancing flakes swirling in the wind. I was like a little kid on Christmas morning; I love snow!!
Within a few miles there was a dusting of snow everywhere and it continued to fall. Then it fell harder and harder. I lost sight of the lines on the road and even lost sight of everything in front of me altogether a few times. I’ve never driven in snow before, so to say that I was scared out of my mind would be a gross understatement. I was convinced if I stayed on the road I would die, or worse, crash my car. And if I pulled off the road my car would be buried in snow and I’d freeze to death. I watch Lifetime, I know these things happen!
I pulled off the road and called my brother-in-law who calmly talked me down off my emotional ledge, and through how to drive in that kind of mesmerizing, nerve-racking weather. I got back on the road and drove on. I was in constant prayer for over an hour — mainly begging God, "Please make it stop!! You control the weather. You can make it stop!"
After over an hour of following a 16-wheeler and slowly making my way across the Plateau, the snow finally tapered off and stopped. Just in time to head down the mountains into the heart of Middle Tennessee. I had made it! And without wrecking my car!! 🙂
But can I tell you? I knew I was Alive. All the way across that Plateau I knew. Now, I don’t need to live every day in that kind of hyper-alertness to know I’m alive — and I reminded God of that as I put the car back in cruise at 70mph and we made our way into Nashville. But it’s in times like that, coming through it with God and with the help of another, that can reconnect with reality, that God has breathed Life in me already; that sinew and muscle and skin is being added to my dry bones every moment of every day. And God is doing it. All I have to do is breathe it in, take the hands of those around me, and Live.
I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight to the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I aint afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live
I want to take every
Breath I can get
I want to live!
Happy New Year! May 2008 be filled with joy, adventure, and God’s sweet, gritty Abundant Life.
A Book List Tag
It’s not even mid-January and I’ve been tagged already to do a meme of sorts. Debbie Kaufman, who tagged me, listed some amazing books, as did Emily Hunter McGowin (tagged by Debbie too) and Kevin Bussey (the perpetrator of all this book-love tagging). So check out their books too. I love seeing how each one has a list that, to me, reflects their personality as well as their heart.
So here’s my little list. I tried to include links to Amazon.com where available so you can add all this reading goodness to your own library. 🙂
One book that changed your life: I have two I want to mention. The Allure of Hope: God’s Pursuit of a Woman’s Heart by Jan Meyers, and The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. Both of these radically altered how I saw myself through God’s eyes and helped me really connect to God’s passionate pursuit of me.
One book you have read more than once: Again, two (more, really): Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin and all the Harry Potter books in the series. Both are sooooo much better than the movies (A&E’s miniseries of P&P was the best filmed version, in my opinion) and worth reading again and again and again…
One book you would want on a desert Island: It’s going to sound really corny, but if I only got one book it would be the Bible. I cannot think of any other book that doesn’t get old, never runs out of surprises, and so consistently challenges, comforts, encourages and matures me. Now, if I get another book besides the Bible, I’d probably want one of Shel Silverstein’s books.
Two books that made you laugh: The First Assistant by Clare Naylor & Mimi Hare, and I Feel Bad About My Neck: and Other Thoughts on Being A Woman by Nora Ephron. The first had me howling because I’ve lived that life of Hollywood assistant and I know the crazy drama she writes about. And the second had me howling because, well, it’s Nora Ephron. Plus, it’s all about the stuff about women and aging I’m starting to understand in an all too familiar way thankyouverymuch.
One book that made you cry: Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning. Powerful stuff.
One book you wish you’d written: the one I haven’t written yet, but will one day.
One book that you wish had never been written: I have two. The Prayer of Jabez, and Every Woman’s Battle. Both of these really bother me. The first one just seems to be an affront to God’s constant grace upon us. Instead of books on how to pray for more blessings — we are already blessed beyond measure, but most people ignore this reality — what we really need are books on seeing the abundant blessings we already have and asking God to help us see how we can bless others with the blessings He’s given us. As for "Every Woman’s Battle," I felt it was a one-dimensional, oversimplified look at the three-dimensional, complex issues women, especially those in their 20s and 30s, deal with in the 21st century when it comes to sex and sexuality. I fear it did more harm than good.
Two books you are currently reading: Just two? I am currently reading four, in a rotation
kinda thing: Abba’s Child, TrueFaced, The Anatomy of Peace, and No Stones.
One book you’ve been meaning to read: Widow of The South has been sitting on my nightstand for forever, patiently waiting for its turn to be read.
Now tag five or so people: Hmmm, some I’d tag have already been hit so I’ll just do three. Marti (she tagged me a couple of months ago and while I still owe her a post, I also owe her a "tag-your it!" back), Larry, and Joe (if you haven’t already been hit).
Velocity, Attitude, Inclination
Where did the month go? I can’t believe it’s seven days (less than that, really) till Christmas. It seems time goes by faster and faster the older I get.
Sorry for the silence here. I know some of you check almost daily and I really appreciate your faithfulness. I have so much to say, but I’ve been so busy with school and shopping and Christmas stuff that I haven’t had any time to write. But I thought I’d take a quick moment to just give an update.
First off, I’m still singing the Mind Algebraic —well, really it’s the Mind Mathematics/Quantitative Literacy. I’ve worked on basic mathematics concepts, algebra, trigonometry, critical thinking… right now I’m working on geometry, and in the next week or so I’ll start statistics. My frustration with it waxes and wanes with the level of complexity and difficulty — which is usually toward the end of the chapters. I am just not a naturally left-brained person. Though I am learning to adjust and think that way, ever so sllooooowly. The most exciting part has been realizing I really can do it. Trig is my favorite so far. I really like all the triangle puzzle stuff. I don’t know why you would want to know or care about all that, but it can be fun stuff to chew on…… ohmigosh, I didn’t just say that, did I?? I didn’t just say I’m actually enjoying a part of math! What is happening to me. It must be the Christmas season infecting me.
Speaking of, I stated in an earlier post that this is the first time in many years that I’ve
actually been excited to celebrate Christmas and I realized recently I didn’t fully explain. I won’t go into great detail here, most of you know the hell I went through a few years back anyway. The holidays have been painful ever since. And, truthfully, my first (and only for a while) Christmas overseas was also difficult, but not as much so as the four years that followed. Those four years I didn’t decorate my home, didn’t get a Tree, even listening to Christmas music was painful — to say nothing of seeing the decorations, shopping for gifts in decked-out malls or unwittingly catching a holiday movie on television. I avoided them like the plague; "It’s a Wonderful Life" was the worst. Can you imagine trying to avoid seeing that during the Christmas season? Yeah, impossible. But it was just too painful to see people living out a happily-ever-after ending when I felt so completely that I would never have that.
I think the holidays are harder to survive for single people after the deaths of parents than it is for those who are married and have a family of their own. You really do feel like an orphan with no parents and no home to "go home" to; as well as feeling like a fifth-wheel at the family celebrations of siblings. Fortunately I have an amazing sister who welcomed me with open arms and made me feel not only welcome but truly wanted. I rarely feel like a fifth wheel there.
I think the break-through I had at Easter had ripple effects far wider than I thought. Because as the holidays approached this year I began to feel excitement instead of depression. And that has just grown and even exploded at times. I’m truly enjoying and savoring every moment of this Christmas season. It’s just been amazing. And I realized recently that I have emerged from this time of pain and sadness with a totally different perspective, and a new paradigm.
From Childhood on, Christmas for me was about the lights and the decorations, the Christmas programs (school and church) and caroling, the music, the family gatherings, the parties and the blustery chill of a Southern California December. I have a storehouse full of wonderful memories of this time of year. But it was mostly about the season; about the American version of Christmas rather than the deeper reality of what it is we are celebrating. Oh, I knew about Bethlehem and baby Jesus and all that. And it wasn’t that I didn’t acknowledge that or spend time meditating and thanking God for His gift. I did, but never on such a profound level.
This year I connected with that Truth, that reality of who Jesus is and the sacrifice He 
made for me, on a profoundly deep and intimate level and it has radically changed who I am and how I see life. Christmas for me now is about celebrating the birth of the most
amazing Gift God ever gave me; the gift of Abundant Life in Jesus. The rest of it — lights, music, movies, smells, etc — is just delicious icing. I am humbled beyond words that He, the Almighty, Most Holy, One True Living God would love me so much that He would willingly lay aside all His glory and majesty and become a little helpless human baby, and subject Himself to all the pain and crap we humans put upon each other. He didn’t have to do that. He is the Creator of the universe; He could have created a different way of salvation. But He didn’t. He chose the hard way. And we get to give each other gifts, race with other mall patrons for parking spaces, and fight with other shoppers for that last Nintendo Wii all because of His all-consuming love for us. I am in awe at the unfailing, unending generosity and grace of God.
I am so blessed. I have so much in the way of physical and monetary provision that many around the world do not have. But even if God allows all of that to be taken from me, I will still be incredibly blessed. I know Love and Abundant Life — I dwell within them! I wake every morning to my Redeemer, my Beloved singing to me and I fall asleep every night to His whispers of His love, protection and grace. I have been forgiven for things I never thought were forgivable and I have found my meaning and purpose in simply living every
moment intimately connected to God.
This is what I celebrate this Christmas. This is what compels me to gift a gift, to decorate
my home and my cube at work, to sing Christmas songs, drive around the mall till a parking spot opens up, and watch endless rounds of "It’s a Wonderful Life" and cry with sympathetic pain, and abiding joy every single time. God is good. God. Is. Good. And I am blessed beyond measure!
Happy Christmas everyone. May your Christmas be filled with the most profound Joy and abiding Peace you have every known. And may you see Jesus in a new, more intimate way.
I Sing the Mind Alebraic
What in the heck is a quadratic, and why in the world should I care how to solve it? When am I, a non-scientist, non-economist, non-engineer, ever going to need this stuff?? And why doesn’t the answer make sense to me even when by sheer dumb luck I happen to stumble upon it?
These are the questions I am pondering at the moment.
That is, when I’m not screaming computative obscenities ("you quadratic, trinomial, conflicting, squared, factoring—-special product!!") or throwing wads of paper across the room because, once again, I did everything the book and homework helps tell me to do and I still did not get the answer they want. I just do not get this stuff.
I think you have to have a special kind of brain to process math. And God didn’t give me that kind. And I’m about to go insane trying to make myself think like a math-brained person. It just ain’t right.
I told my academic mentor in an email last night that I’m a math virgin — and 
if I could have my way I’d stay that way (I did not tell her that last part!). The most math I’ve had was year of algebra and a semester of geometry in high school. And we don’t talk about how long ago high school was. It frightens people (namely me). Anyway, the class I’m taking would be great for review for the experienced math addict. But for me, the not-math-brained Math Virgin, trying to shove the basics of algebra, geometry, trig and stats into my brain by January 23rd just may prove to be impossible.
Oh, and now I’m even dreaming about math. This morning I woke up literally trying to solve a quadratic problem by using the FOIL method — and I can’t even remember what FOIL stands for. Lord have mercy on my soul brain!