Stalled, But Not

I haven't been very good at posting lately, have I?

I'm struggling with all the things blowing around in my mind, heart, soul. It's difficult enough to wrap my mind around them all, but to try to put them into words; well, that's nearly impossible.

I feel stalled at the moment. Stalled in my schoolwork, stalled in my inner life, and stalled here on the blog. An incredible tiredness has overtaken me and I find myself napping a lot.

I've been doing this intense work for a long time on my soul, my spirit, my heart…. whatever you may want to call
that inner thing that determines our character, our point of view, our
convictions, makes up who we are — but that work got even more intense and laser focused about a year ago. I guess you can tell that a few months ago it really got difficult. So my life right now feels quite unsettled, confusing. I have a lot more questions than answers.

Yet I don't feel like I'm going in circles. At least not yet. I keep having dreams of driving up a steep hill fearful I'm not going to make it to the top —- and while I know sometimes dreams don't mean anything, this is a definite metaphor for how I'm feeling in my waking life. I am going up a steep hill emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and I'm afraid I won't make it to the top. But in the dream I always do, somehow, and that brings me hope for my waking soul. Some day I will make it; it's just a long, hard climb right now.

Part of why I've been silent here is because of all the questions and noise in my soul. I haven't been able to sort through my thoughts enough to put together a coherent post. But perhaps I'll try just posting the chaos and questions; perhaps that will help me sort through it all and find my way to the top of the hill.

So here's the first question: what do you do, how do you cope, when you seem to be perpetually exhausted no matter how much rest or sleep you get?

Spiritual Health Day

Sometimes you just need a day off. Today I got one; my own little personal mental/spiritual health day. I’d been feeling like I wanted to take one a some point over the summer, but most of my PTO days are already accounted for in planned trips/holidays. But God, in His amazing goodness, provided — via my bosses who gave our little team a paid holiday. What a blessing!

I woke up several times during the night/morning to the beautiful sound of rain. It was the first night all month that was cool enough to have the windows open, so the sound was even more beautiful to hear than just the tapping on the roof. I could hear it dancing on the grass, the trees, and the wooden deck.

I slept till I wasn’t really sleepy then spent the rest of the morning sitting by my corner windows, in my dad’s chair, reading and listening to a thunderstorm roll through. It was the most amazing, wonderful morning I’ve had in ages; the perfect weather, and the perfect morning. I didn’t budge from my perch by the windows till after noon, when hunger finally drove me to the kitchen in search of sustenance.

I’ve spent most of the rest of my day reading, and swinging on my porch swing and just watching the world go by.

It’s days like today that I wish time would just stop and let me soak it all in; the beauty all around me, the comfort within my home, the peace and serenity of solitude…. Alone with God and not afraid. Alone with God and not confused. Just alone with God and soaking it in.

I needed today. More than anyone (but God) could have known. Certainly I didn’t know how much I needed to just be silent, and to silence the noise in my soul. No homework, no recovery work, no work-work, no doings, no performance, no busy-ness, no agenda to accomplish, no to-do lists to get through… just rest, silence and restoration.

There really is a God who can, and will, restore me to sanity if I will but let Him. Today I think He did.

Protection

Putting oneself out here on the Internets can be very risky. Identity
theft notwithstanding, the greatest issue I’ve discovered is a sort of
cyber-stalking, where people, for whatever reason, stalk a person by
doing Internet searches and keeping tabs on the sites they find.

I’ve had a couple of incidents before with a few weird commenters and
such, but nothing major….. until recently. Long story… suffice to say some things happened recently to make me nervous.

So I’m thinking about doing a password protect on my blog… If this blog suddenly becomes inaccessible, that’s what’s happened.

Now, before I do that, I plan to email the password information to those of you readers I know about and have email addys for.  So if it IS inaccessible and you didn’t received an email from me, email me and smack me (that includes those of you on Facebook). Otherwise, I will have a welcome page set up where you can request the password info in the comment section.

All you feed readers, I’m not sure how this will affect you. I’m hoping it won’t…  but you never know. Nor do I know how to get the password info to you. So if this is the last post you see in your reader for a while, you may want to drop by and double-check the privacy level, and then let me know (via the comments section on the welcome page) if you need a password…

Doubts, Fears, and Other Night Monsters

So [Jesus] replied to the messengers, "Go back and report to John what you
have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who
have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."
—Luke 7:22-23.

Is God enough? Is He enough for me regardless of what circumstances I find myself in, what tragedies befall me, what "fate" awaits me in the future?

I've been having panic attacks. Whether they are more physiological than emotional, I cannot say. I'm more prone to them than the average person — my autonomic nervous system is just a little out of whack, so that fight or flight instinct can kick into high gear for no reason. Add stress to the mix and its pretty much a sure bet it'll misfire. —-However, emotions could also be playing a role in this current round…. it's just too hard to tell at the moment.

The nights are the worst. That seems to be when every little terrible fear in my mind comes out to play, dancing in the firelight and casting huge shadows against the walls of my mind. They look like giants ready to swallow me. The later the hour gets, the more they dance, and the larger they look. And I become too terrified to sleep, I cannot focus on anything but their huge shadows dancing all around me. I once had a way to anesthetize myself so I didn't feel the fear of the shadows but I've let go of those old patterns and now must face the Night Monsters alone. It's hard. I'm a coward at heart; I'd rather run from what scares me than face it and shout it down.

God still comes to me when I cry out in fear, despite my struggle knowing who He really is right now. I still experience Him as I have so many times before; seeing/sensing Him — sitting beside me, loving on me, gently swiping His thumb over my forehead, kissing my cheek — and hearing His voice whispering His love to me. Yet I'm so afraid now that whatever I'm seeing and hearing is just my imagination, that I'm just making it up, that I struggle to let myself be comforted by Him. 

Isn't that crazy? I struggle to believe in the God I've been experiencing since a young child — the head-god I talked of earlier — yet I don't have any problem accepting the scary shadows on the wall as completely real. No doubts about nefarious shadows, huge doubts about a God who is so gentle and loving. Insanity.

Is God enough?

I love the story of John the Baptist from Luke 7 because John doubts too. This man, of whom Jesus later says, "I
tell you, among those born of women there is no one greater than
John…" (verse 28), this man who has been set apart by God, heard directly
from God all his adult life, and seen Jesus do miraculous things, doubts Jesus; doubts His identity as the Messiah, the rescuer of his people.

And Jesus doesn't get mad. He doesn't sigh heavily and dramatically
proclaim, 'oh ye of little faith.' Nor does He scold, or reprimand, or
rebuke, or cut off contact. He just answers John; he says, "Yep. I still am the One.
…. no, I'm not coming for you; I'm not rescuing you. And yes, I'm still the One."

I remember first being made aware of Jesus' response to John in Erwin's book, The Barbarian Way. Erwin's main point was that last sentence: "Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."  In Barbarian he points out
that God didn't rescue John from prison, or his fate: being beheaded by
Herod (Matthew 14:1-12). If God didn't rescue John, He may very well not rescue us from our own prisons — joblessness, poverty, homelessness, illness, paralysis, death… pick the struggle of your nightmares. He may not rescue you from it.

It is in that truth that my fears lie. It is also in that truth that lies grab hold of me and keep me trapped in that frightening cave with the dancing shadows.

Here's the thing:

Deconstructing God

Over the last month and a half I have been on a very difficult journey. One where I deconstruct  the god(s) I worship and seek the Truth; the True God. I have had an impossible time writing about this journey even in my private journal, so complicated and chaotic are my thoughts and inner turmoil. But several times I have tried to write posts about this struggle, only to abandon them later out of frustration. What follows is are pieces of this long journey, strung together here in an attempt to share with you what I've been about this last month or so. It is long, so I have more tagged it for those who would rather skip over the struggles and revelations of this little child of God. I hope, however, you will take the time to read it all. It was written for you.

John's disciples told him about all these things. Calling two of them, he sent them to the Lord to ask, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" — Luke  7:18-19

Amazing Words of Wisdom

I discovered this tonight on the MySpace blog of To Write Love on Her Arms… an amazing organization doing some great work for hurting people.

Personally, I think everyone should be in a 12-step program… we would all learn what it really means to live, really live life rather than rush and fake and anesthetize our way through it, to trust God and surrender our lives to His will, to make fearless inventories of our own wrongs, rather than all the wrongs of all those around us, and to be willing to go to any lengths to live the Big Life Story God dreams for us to live, rather than the little novellas we write for ourselves. We would recognize that life isn't about getting and having and becoming some kind of perfect. But that it is about relationship and progress; just being less of a jerk today than I was yesterday; less selfish today than yesterday, a little more aware of God's presence today than yesterday, a little closer to Him today than yesterday, and a little more tomorrow than today…

Anyway… this video gave me great encouragement… And so I share it in hopes it will do that same for you. Watch and stand in amazement at what God will do with a willing heart… (PS, the woman in the video is Renee — the reason the founder started TWLOHA, I think — who is talking about what she's learned in her two years of sobriety)

Joy & God’s Goodness

Lu's new iMac

My tax return came and I decided it was time to upgrade from my 4 year-old G4 PowerBook (still with its original Panther OS!). So here's my new way to do homework (and blog, and listen to music, and watch videos, and…. goodness this thing does everything but cook!). I'm lovin' it. It is soooo fast and has so many new features and things to play with and while away hour after hour…. Please note the absence of school books. They are actually still sitting in my backpack. I haven't removed them from there since I got this bundle of joy Tuesday night. Nor have I managed to get to bed before 1am. Perhaps tonight…. naaawww!

I've been busy with school, work, life, healing, and other amazing God-gifts of Life. I'm forever amazed at how He embraces me and just loves on me even when I'm freaking out, or messing up big time, or think I'm messing up big time…

I've been in the process of deconstructing my beliefs and convictions about God so I have room in my heart for the real God, not the one I seem to think He is. Long story. Long post, actually. Perhaps soon I'll have something less than 6,000 words to share with you on this crazy new journey I'm on.

But for now I really do need to get to bed. So I'll leave you with a couple of pics I had fun taking with my new built-in iSight camera. 🙂

Photo 8

Photo 11

Photo 12

I've heard about meeting yourself going and coming but this is ridiculous!

Photo 16

Oooo, look! I'm Jay Leno in drag!!

Yes. It's true. I'm a dork.

Not Dead… Yet; aka In Case You Were Wondering

     Sorry for the silence here. Life has taken precedence over blogging of late. I have much to write about, but just not a lot of time to do it. Consequently I have several posts in various draft stages but nothing that's ready for primetime.
     Soon, I hope. Very soon.
     Life is good right now; hard but good. I'm learning a lot, growing a lot, being challenged like crazy, and having some success in areas that have up till now seen only defeat. Lessons are still being learned the hard way at times, but less than before. I'm now seeing that hole I always fall into before I step in it — and sometimes even remembering to walk around it, instead of into it. Soon, I think, I might even be ready to take a different street…
     One step at a time.
     Since I can't seem to finish a substantial post, I'll share some bullets of my life at the moment.

Current verses on my mind:

God didn't go to all the
trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling
the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right
again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted… — John 3:17-18 in The Message

Curent movie I L-O-V-E lovedand must see again: The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
   My sister said recently that when she was first reading the Narnia books, she saw me as Lucy — or Lucy as me… Either way you put it, it was a HUGE compliment to me. I would love to be Lucy; to  emulate her unwavering faith and trust in Aslan.

Current song stuck in my head: "You're Gonna Miss This" – Trace Atkins

Current podcast I'm replaying over and over: Andy Stanley's "Faith, Hope, and Luck
Holy crap, this series is kicking my butt, and reshaping my paradigm of faith and hope

Current book reshaping my paradigm: The Shack by William P. Young
   Ditto the above — but this one is reshaping my view of God; more on this soon

Coming Movie I'm dying to see this summer: WALL-E

….more to come…

May the Lord bless you and protect you.
May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace. — Numbers 6:24-26

For Whom Do We Build?

450pxkylemore_neogothic_church_inte
A recent Baptist Press article headline declares: "Unchurched Prefer Traditional Styling for Churches Outside, In"

The three-page article states,

When given an assortment of four photos of church exteriors and given 100 "preference points" to allocate between them, the unchurched [surveyed] used an average of 47.7 points on the most traditional and Gothic options. The three other options ranged from an average of 18.5 points to 15.9 points.

"We may have been designing buildings based on what we think the unchurched would prefer," [Jim] Couchenour concluded. "While multi-use space is the most efficient, we need to ask, ‘Are there ways to dress up that big rectangular box in ways that would be more appealing to the unchurched?’"

It goes on to say that many prefer it because these churches seem to appeal to all the senses, both with the appealing architecture, and the appeal to the senses through sound, and smell (incense) as well provide a sense of connection to the past. The article continues:

[Ed] Stetzer noted that despite these survey results, most of the churches that look like a cathedral are in decline. Just because someone has a preference for the aesthetically pleasing Gothic churches doesn’t mean they’ll visit the church if that’s the only connection point they have to the congregation.

This survey and the conclusions drawn by LifeWay Research intrigued me for a couple of reasons.

First, it intrigued me because I’ve recently written how I sometimes struggle with maintaining a sense of awe and wonder in a corporate worship experience in the movie theater in which we meet. As a highly aesthetic person I am deeply impacted by my surroundings, and even though I could not be counted among the "unchurched" surveyed, the results in this article speak what I have felt for some time. I long for the old, for the sense of being on sacred ground, for the combination of majesty and simplicity of the ancient cathedrals and chapels; and for the quiet reverence and sense of "transcendent intimacy" (as one respondent of the survey put it) that oldness represents.

But it also intrigued me because last year my church stepped into the
whole building-a-building-and-envisioning-our-"wildest
dreams"-for-that-space ordeal. Despite what I just said about my struggle with meeting in a theatre, the idea of building a building rather freaked me out. There is a laundry list of reasons for my freakout, and lessons I’m learning from this new experience, which I will not bore you with here. Rather, I’d like to speak about two opinions I’ve previously held that I seem no longer to have. I don’t know when I changed my mind, exactly, but change it I have.

First, I no longer believe it is absurd for a 21st century church to build a building. I’ve held this opinion for a long time; nearly a decade. I started by thinking just that it was not wise in today’s economy and environment; that there was no need to own when a church could rent existing facilities and spend the money saved on mortgage interest and upkeep on the more important ministry of people — feeding the poor, housing AIDS hospice patients, building and supporting ministries overseas, among other ministries. This conviction came about, I believe now, as a response to all the times I got my hopes up and dreamed about what it would be like to be in whatever facility Mosaic was looking to buy, back in the day we were looking for property, only to be let down when negotiations fell through. When Erwin finally announced that we would shelve the property search indefinitely and just be a mobile church, I celebrated heartily. I was very tired of disappointment.

I realize now that I took what was good and right for one community and decided to apply it to all communities. That is not right. What is good for one, may not be good or right for another. Each community must follow where God leads them specifically, not follow others because a path has already been cleared. Whether building a building or owning a building is right and good for my church at this time is not clear to me. I honestly don’t know. I only know that I was wrong to try to lay on the whole church the constraints of what worked for me in the past.

Second, Jim Couchenour’s above comment really struck me: We may have been designing buildings based on what we think the
unchurched would prefer…. we need to ask, ‘Are there ways to dress
up that big rectangular box in ways that would be more appealing to the
unchurched?’"

I’m wondering, should we really be designing buildings based on what the unchurched would prefer (whether that is only just what we think or what we know they’d prefer)? Or should a building instead reflect the heart of the people who will inhabit it; that is, their heart toward God? Should it be their offering of worship to God, or an offering of invitation to the community around them? Or can it be both, should it be both, with perhaps one more dominant than the other?

I ask because I don’t know, and I’d like to know what others think

I will say, however, that it seems to me, as I consider this issue, that we need to learn from Willow Creek’s recent admission of wrong-focus. They realized, and admitted, recently that their seeker-focused services produced Christians who expected to be hand-fed and entertained, rather than true followers of Christ willing to surrender themselves fully and completely to the love, grace, and will of the Living God and ready to follow Jesus wherever He led no matter the cost no turning back. Isn’t it possible that focusing more on what might bring in the unchurched rather than on expressing our own communal heart, love, adoration, praise, joy… whatever…toward God is also wrong-focused, and perhaps even denies the unchurched the opportunity to comprehend that it is not all about them; but rather all about God?

Covenant Presbyterian Church in Green Hills is building a beautiful cathedral on a hill just off Hillsboro Pike. I see it every day as I drive home. It juts up and stands tall, with its high stone walls, and towering spire boldly holding the cross high, declaring to all the world "He is Holy! See His majesty!" I love that. At first I was upset that someone was building another church building — in a city with literally a church on every corner — and messing up the beautiful landscape. But the thing about this place is that it doesn’t mess up the landscape. It adds to it. It creates a sense of majesty, and of awe and wonder… one doesn’t even have to walk in the doors of that building to be impacted by it. Every evening as I pass that hill I am reminded of the majesty and glory of God; of how much bigger and more powerful than I is He. I would very much like to attend church in a building like that, I think.

It is true that buildings do not make the church. And Ed Stetzer rightly speaks to this issue by pointing out that most of the cathedral-like churches are in decline. I think this is because their mind-set is as old as their building; with all the draftiness but none of the majesty or intimacy. They are able to attract those seeking God, but they cannot keep them because God seems to no longer reside there. Perhaps what is needed is to combine the old architecture with the "new" understanding of what it means to be a follower of Jesus so that God can be found both in the majesty and awe of the building and also in the humble, loving, gracious, accepting followers of Jesus who passionately worship God under its roof.

What do you think?

Because Sometimes We Forget To Remember

I was introduced to this amazing song tonight. And I wept. Deeply.

Sometimes we forget to acknowledge the unbelievable, powerful, passionate, unfailing love of God. In all our crazy worshiping and joy; in all our crying out in our pain and need; in all our silent contemplation, and all our noisy jubilation. I think sometimes we just plain forget how He loves us. We get lost in our own struggles, in the daily grind of every day life, in our plans and schemes for tomorrow, in all our hurts, needs, wants, passions…. we just… forget.

I hope this reminds you today how much He loves you. Let yourself be swept away by it today; let Him drench you with His love. Oh, how He loves us!

[note rss readers: embedded video]


So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us!
Oh how He loves us!
Oh how He loves us!
Oh how He loves!

Words and Music by John Mark McMillan

Thank you, Los. What an awesome song to introduce me to.