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Worship as an Act of Faith

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
   the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

 God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got left.

 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
   to stick it out through the hard times. Lamentations 3:19-27

Last night I went to "Before The Throne" at my church. It was an extended time of worship preceded by a brief teaching. The focus this week was Worship as an Act of Faith. That is, worshiping God for what He is going to do, not just what He has done.

I don't do that so good. I'm great at worshiping Him for who He is and what He's done, but what He's yet to do….? Not so much. Mainly because, in all honesty, I don't really trust that He will do it. So I take the cowardly way out and wait till He does.

Last night, though, I made a decision. A choice. I choose to believe the promises He's given me. I choose to believe for the dreams and hopes and desires He's placed in my heart. Though it take my lifetime, I will worship Him for what He will do. Until He comes through for me or until He tells me to stop, I will worship Him for what He will do.

As we were singing and focusing on God, He gave me this image; put this image in my mind. It was of Him taking out my heart and replacing it with a fresh one — a new, vibrant, strong bright red one. And then He breathed into me, not just over me or on me, but into me. Like CPR. New heart for new breath — or new breath for new heart — like new a wineskin for new wine.

I saw so clearly in that moment that, now, every breath I breathe is from Him. They all come from that one breath He breathed into and over me.

He held me tight in His arms for a while, like a mother holds her crying, hurting toddler. Like my mom always held me when I was crying and hurting. And as if to really drive His love-point home, the band then led us in singing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus," one of my mom's favorite hymns. I couldn't even sing; just stood there and wept. This time not out of missing my mom, though. This time I cried because I felt His love so profoundly – and my mom's love so clearly too. It was as if my mom was standing there holding me tight, caressing me the way she would and whispering that it's all going to be okay. Only I knew it wasn't my mom. It was God.

Then He looked me in the eyes and made it clear to me that I don't stop Him from doing anything He wants to do (I so often fear I've thwarted God's will or desires because of my own failings). He made it so very powerfully clear that I cannot stop Him, thwart Him, or keep His love or His will from invading my life and accomplishing His dreams for me (Romans 8 has been one of His constant words to me the last couple of weeks).

I believe God promises healing, recovery, wholeness. I also believe that God has a job where I can be of service and blessing to someone. But so often that belief gets buried under an avalanche of fear and doubt, worry and waffling. Perhaps the promises don't apply to me… perhaps there's some mark I've got to hit first and maybe I didn't jump high enough, believe hard enough, pray long enough, do enough. I waffle. I doubt. I fear that I'm not good enough.

But last night… I was never more convinced of His promises and His desires, to the core of my being, than I was last night, standing in the Barn before God's Throne, singing and crying out to Him.

One of the worship singers talked about fear; about how God may have us out on a ledge, feet half off hanging out into the air, and the fear we feel when we stare out into that nothingness. Lord do I know that fear! Absolute terror is what I've felt for months now –nearly half a year!

But this worship singer-leader said to us, "whatever it is He's asking you to do, where ever it is He's got you dangling your feet and staring out into the depths. Just step into it. Step off the ledge and into His will, into His arms, into the dark. Just step off."

So this is me stepping off the ledge, into the unknown, into His arms. Believing God for healing and wholeness. Believing God for recovery and redemption of all my crap. Believing God for a job, a place of service with my name on it. And worshiping Him for what He is going to do.

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Not The Source

Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. – 1 Peter 2:4

A popular devotional book begins, "It's not about you." The first time I read that sentence I nearly threw the book across the room. Who is this Rick Warren guy to say such a thing?? Doesn't he know that life is, has always been, and will forever be about me?? The nerve of some people…

Seriously, I don't think we ever really outgrow our child-size egocentricity; that view that the world revolves around us, that everything that happens to us is somehow because of us. That it happens because of what we did, or didn't do, what we said or didn't say, or because we were good, or because we are bad. It's always about us. About me.

If I'm successful, it's because I worked hard. If I'm not, its because I'm lazy; regardless of the fact that I've put in the same amount of effort into each endeavor. If I'm healthy, it's because of my healthy choices in life. If I get sick, it's because I did something wrong, or, more insidiously, because I am inherently bad, or because God is mad at me or doesn't love me as much as that healthy person over there.

When I was laid off it was very hard to not take it personally, even though I had long before reconciled that I was the expendable one in our little department. My job was superfluous; "value add" to the rest of the team, but definitely nonessential. Since I first got the job I knew that I was the most expendable, and would be the first to go in a downsizing. Still, it stung like hell and felt incredibly personal; like it was all about me, not about what was best for the department in light of the circumstances. It was very difficult in that moment (and even since) to remember that most of what happens in life, most decisions people make, have little-to-nothing to do with me.

Most of my life I have railed against the notion that what God allows to happen (or does to me, depending on my mood at the moment) is not about me. So convinced am I that it is about me, that the first thoughts in my head whenever anything befalls me are, why is this happening to me?? and What did I do this time??

As a child I lacked the ability to think in the abstract, to reason out that there may be motives and issues and circumstances I cannot see. Everything is concrete and simple to a child; what they can see in front of them at the time is all that exists. Consequently, we all as children internalize everything that happens as somehow being about us and because of us.

As an adult I have the ability to think in the abstract, but tend to lack the will to look beyond the concrete of me into the shadows of the mysterious and invisible.

Tonight, however, I take comfort in complexity and transcendence. I'm feeling pretty battered, unwanted, undesirable, disposable. Rejection letters, polite though they may be, still leave scars, even when they come from strangers at nebulous HR offices. When they come from mentors…. whew! That is even more painful.

But if it's true, if it's not about me, if all that's going on in my life right now has its roots, causes, and reasons in abstract motives, issues and circumstances that have little-to-nothing to do with me — save their impact on my life — well then maybe I don't have to take all this so personally. Even if it is ten or even twenty percent about me, that still leaves eighty to ninety percent — a clear majority — that's not about me. It's about someone else. That suddenly feels so incredibly freeing to me now.

It says that I'm only one piece in a huge puzzle, one thread in a vast tapestry that my Papa is weaving. I don't have to make sense all by myself. I don't have to complete the picture all on my own. I don't have to be the center of all the universe's activity, or the blame of all the chaos. Whatever happens isn't because of me, or about me, and may not even be for me.

I'm not the Source or Purpose of Life. Therefore, I don't bear the weight of the whole thing; I'm just one stone within it.

Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one
look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present
yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary
vibrant with life, in which you'll serve as holy priests offering
Christ-approved lives up to God. – 1 Peter 2:4-8 (The Message)

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Unemployed – Day 83

Those who follow me on Facebook know that I was laid off December 2nd. For those smart enough to stay far away from the Facebook vortex — first let me say, good for you!! You rock!!, and, how do you do that???  — and second, let me catch you up just a little: I'm unemployed.

Yeah, that's about it….

For 83 days now I have looked for a new job in an economy that absolutely sucks and just keeps surprising me with how much worse it can get as each day passes. I've had a couple of interviews but so far I'm still unemployed.

I finally broke down today and filed for unemployment. Yeah, I know — many would say I should have done that day one, but can I tell you how utterly depressing it is to file that stuff? Online or in person, it doesn't matter: it just sucks. And since I'm often all about avoiding that which sucks whenever possible, well, I just kept putting it off. But now the deed is finally done. Good thing, too. The severance runs out this week. Now we start digging into school loans and savings.

There are days when life is good and I feel safe, secure, loved, and sheltered by God despite my current circumstances. Those days are like a little taste of heaven on earth. I'm filled with happiness, contentment, and peace about the future — whatever it holds. Sometimes I can even see a glimpse of God's wisdom and goodness in giving me this "extended vacation."

But then there are days like today, where I struggle to keep breathing deeply and remembering Whose child I am, so as to stave off the panic attacks that are looming over me, ready to devour me whole. These days are difficult, discouraging, frustrating, anxiety-ridden, and very long. The worst of it seems to come after sunset. For some reason darkness outside my windows fuels my fears and depression. I'm not so much afraid of the dark as I am afraid in the dark.

There isn't much I can do to lift my own spirits on days like these. The only thing I know to do, really, is to cry out to Papa, 'please help me! I'm really scared and I feel all alone and lost. Please help me.'

Worshiping helps too, as odd as that sounds.

….Well, that, and dancing around my house like a maniac to my rockin' iTunes "Celebrate The 80s" mix…. but we won't go there right now….

When I listen to songs like Chris Tomlin's "Exalted (Yahweh)," or Tenth Avenue North's "Hallelujah" I am carried to a different place; a place near the throne and majesty and warm holiness of God, my Papa. I turn up the volume and just let the music remind me of His constant presence, and His unfathomable holiness and greatness.

I recently heard someone pray that God would raise us up above the current storms of life so that we could be at peace. As I listened I honestly found myself wholeheartedly disagreeing with this prayer. I don't want to be lifted up above my current storms. I want to find peace in the midst of the storms. I want to be able to rest in the care of God no matter what circumstances befall me. I don't want my trust and peace in Him to be situation-dependent.

These are days to be endured, I think, rather than soared above, if that makes sense. These hard days teach me to trust and rest in peace even when economic hurricanes and emotional tornadoes wreak havoc with the terrain of my life. They teach me to remember that my strength and hope come from God, not from my own perspective of my situation…. does that make sense?

So, this is me, today, enduring a hard day, worshiping Papa and Jesus, grateful for their love and lavish attention…. and hoping tomorrow brings a new job with it. But trusting that Papa has got me covered no matter what.

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I’m drowning in the shallow end of the pool…

I realized that tonight as I drove home from a meeting. I have been telling myself I’m drowning because I’m in over my head, I’m in deep and can’t stay afloat. But the truth is I’m in the kiddie-pool; the shallow end of living.

I’m allowing fear and depression convince me the water is just too high, that I cannot go deep because I cannot handle it. I’ve let them convince me I am in the deep end and I’m drowning, so I just can’t risk going any deeper.

But really, I’m just laying on the floor. If I will even just sit up I’ll be okay.

“Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in
wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live
squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you
pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!

“You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating
the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t
worship God and Money both.

 “If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you
don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the
clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life
than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance
than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and
unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of
God. And you count far more to him than birds.

 “Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much
as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it
makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk
out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or
shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten
best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

 “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in
you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to
relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

 “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get
worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you
deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes” Matt 6:22-34 The Message

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An Historic Night

Whatever you may think about the candidates in this year's election; whatever you may think of the politics of the parties involved, you cannot deny this is an historic night!

The country once divided over slavery of another race has now elected as president a man from that same once-enslaved race. A country who lost a great president because of his determination to not only end slavery but keep the United States united has now elected as president a man for whom that great president so long ago died fighting to restore freedom and liberty.

Lincoln would be proud of that.

I have so often been troubled by the divisiveness that can arise between people simply because of one's skin color. I spent most of my early childhood completely colorblind. I had no idea that my best friend in kindergarten was "black" and I was not. I just knew I loved hanging out with her. Nor did I realize that one of my closest friends in jr high was Latina and I was not…. No idea. Yeah, I can be a little…blind at times. :)  Until my sister received a big beat down by some girls from who school who did not like the color of our skin; who felt we owed them…. something… because we are white — did it ever dawn on me that color matters to some people.

I hate that. I hate that there are those in this world who look down on others with a different color of skin, different ethnicity, different… whatever. I hate it.

I always thought that the goal of uniting in diversity was to not notice another's skin color; to be colorblind. But this last year I've come to realize that it's not about not noticing our skin color/ethnicity, it's about celebrating the differences that strengthen us as a whole.

Nicole C. Mullins said at the Women of Faith conference in September, "it's okay to notice someone's color. Just don't stop there." It was good to hear that from a woman "of color." Sometimes we need those who are different from us to acknowledge those differences and give us permission to do the same before we can relax and see beyond them.

I disagree with our new President-elect on nearly every issue and ideal he articulated during this past election season. I'm a die-hard libertarian/Austrian School of economics gal, so a Progressive agenda just doesn't sit right with me. Individual liberty trumps collectivism almost every time in my book.

So in that respect I struggled tonight; I struggled to be happy or excited for our country. Rather, I worry for her.

Yet, at the same time, I am deeply proud of my country. Deeply proud. What happened today is historic, and that deserves to be celebrated.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. — The Declaration of Independence

No king succeeds with a big army alone,
      no warrior wins by brute strength.
   Horsepower is not the answer;
      no one gets by on muscle alone.

Watch this: God's eye is on those who respect him,
      the ones who are looking for his love.
   He's ready to come to their rescue in bad times;
      in lean times he keeps body and soul together.

I'm depending on God;
      he's everything I need.
   What's more, my heart brims with joy (!!)
      since I've taken for my own his holy name.
   Love us, God, with all you've got—
      that's what we're depending on. — Psalm 33:16-22 (The Message)

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Concision

Me:
I learned a new word recently and I'm dying to use it!

Friend:
Ooooo!! I'm really good at this sort of stuff! What's the word?

Me (excitedly; can hardly contain it):
Concision. Isn't it just the greatest word EVER!! I love the way it just rolls off the tongue….. "concision." Say it! Doesn't it just sound so cool and intelligent? I love it! I want to write a post using it, or about it.

Friend:
Well, don't make it a long one.

Silence while I give her a dirty look.

Friend:
I'm just saying… prolixity* would not be appropriate in a post with such a title, don't you think?

More silence; continued glaring.

Friend:
I'm just saying…

*Full disclosure: She actually used the word "verbosity," but I felt that was just too banal for the post, so I changed it (writer's prerogative) to a more grandiloquent word.

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Mark 5 – Shedding the Mantle of (my) Shame

A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. She had suffered a great deal from many doctors, and over the years she had spent everything she had to pay them, but she had gotten no better. In fact, she had gotten worse. She had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. For she thought to herself, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition.

Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out from him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked,“Who touched my robe?”

His disciples said to him, “Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, ‘Who touched me?’”

But he kept on looking around to see who had done it.

Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had
happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of him and told
him what she had done.

And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” — vs 25 – 34

There’s a saying: “act your way into feeling.” For the longest time I didn’t understand that phrase. I thought it encouraged deceit. Over the last year I’ve begun to truly apprehend what it means; I think I get it now.

I may not always feel forgiven; I may not always feel free from shame. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am. I touched the hem of His garment and I have been made whole. That is the Truth that God speaks. I am free. So in those times that the feeling isn’t there, when my emotions belie the Truth of who God says I am, I still need to act “as if” — as if I felt it, as if I am convinced in the depths of my soul it is True. Because the fact is, it is.

I can choose whose voice I listen to; I can choose what I will believe. I never knew that before this year. I don’t have to remain covered, buried, in the shame that has so enveloped me all my life just because I feel shame at this moment. I can choose to believe something different; choose to do something different.

So today I am. Right now I will. I will believe the Truth even though I don’t feel it. I will act my way into feeling.

These Nicole C. Mullins songs have been on my iPod since I got back
from Women of Faith last month. God used them to speak His love and infinite grace to me. They truly tell the story of my life; my shame-filled yet blessed-beyond-measure Life. And God continues to use them as reminders of the Truth of who I am in His eyes; and encourage me to keep acting my way into feeling. I thought I’d pass them along to you today, in case you need encouragement too.

One Touch

Nicole C. Mullen – One Touch from 2nafish on GodTube.

I Know My Redeemer Lives 

Call On Jesus

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So This is How Liberty Dies

With cheers and thunderous applause. (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith)

At 1:21 p.m., applause and cheers echoed through the House chamber as the number of “aye” votes crossed the threshold needed for passage with just seconds remaining in the official 15-minute voting period. — NYTimes.com Oct 3, 2008

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This is the Day…

…that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

I am sooooo not a morning person, so the fact that I’m up and posting should very much impress you. 🙂 The fact that I’m chipper at this early hour should shock and perhaps even alarm you (it does me!).

I thought I’d start the day with a word of wisdom from Luci Swindoll — to start my day off right. I love this woman (more than I can express at this early hour)!! She is amazing. You should check her out.

In the meantime, Good Morning to you!!

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Let There Be Light!

I just got home from an incredible weekend at Women of Faith in Atlanta. This year’s theme was Infinite Grace. We cannot go anywhere or through anything in this life that His grace does not cover us and give us strength to endure. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it.

Patsy Clairmont told this story about how God’s grace breathed courage into a friend of her’s. As I listened I thought about a dear friend of mine who is courageously waging her own war with breast cancer right now. I pray that God speaks these words over her life as well. Let there be Light!