Category Archives: Worship

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Still

The week has been busy. Things have happened. I did some fun things.

But my struggle goes on.

I know God loves me.

I believe He is working. I believe He is acting even now to ensure His purpose for my life is fulfilled.

But still I struggle.

Life is so uncertain. The way is dark. And scary. Its filled with risk.

Possibilities have presented themselves. But the danger of failure looms large. What if I can’t produce? is the question that stays ever before my face.

I ache. With a sorrow and grief still so profound. I thought they would have lessened by now. I have cried every day this week, missing mom and dad to the depth of my being. Longing with a passion that sometimes scares me to join them and be done with this world.

I’m starving for community. Yet I feel so anti-social I rarely pick up my phone to answer it. Forget calling anyone. Even when I meet with the Mosaic core group I struggle to stay engaged. Oh how I struggle!! Just to engage. Never-mind delving deep, just engage.  I fight a desire to stay hidden, to lock away my heart forever. Only the fear of being used by the enemy to destroy what God longs to build in Mosaic Nashville keeps me from giving in to bitterness.

Deep Depression consumes me. Every aspect of my life is shrouded in its darkness. Will it devour me forever? Will I never escape its grasp?

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. –Psalm 13

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On My Mind

So don’t lose a minute in building on what you’ve been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can’t see what’s right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.
                               — 2 Peter 1:5-9 The Message

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Thank You

You’re emails, comments, and phone calls have been such an incredible blessing. I am so blessed. I am loved deeply by people I love deeply.

Kat, you’re my angel. My life would not be the same without you. I’m so very glad you are my friend. I love you.

Wendy, I know you called. I was in my counseling session…. but afterward I crashed with the pain of the migraine. Just knowing you called lifted my spirits and encouraged my heart. You have proved your love and true friendship over and over. God bless you, my friend! I love you.

Thank you every single one who reads my ramblings. You bring me joy. You could spend your time many ways, yet you choose to stop in here and see what crazy thing I have to say today.

God is good.

Life is hard. It sucks big time sometimes. But God is always good. Even in the suckiest moments of life. He is faithful. He loves deeply, passionately and actively.

He gave me you. That is a great gift indeed.

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Snow & Sun Roofs

Jesus loves me! It’s snowing!!

I loooove watching the snow fall. Especially this this kind. The light, soft, sometimes big, sometimes small flakes that just lazily make their way down from cloud to ground. Se peaceful and beautiful.

The flurries started while I was still in church and as I sat chatting with some of the tech guys, someone came in a told us it was snowing. I had planned to hang out some and check out all their various sound equipment and rooms, but once I heard about the snow, I decided to go outside and check it out. You never know how long snow will last around here, so ya gotta catch it while you can.

I called Nina on the way home, chattering excitedly about the snow, which was coming down a little faster by then. Once I got home, I realized it was much prettier outside, so I went for a long drive. Hunger was the only thing that was able to convince me I needed to go back home.

Now I’m sitting in my bedroom staring out the window, watching the snow fall and listening to music as loud as I can crank it on my headphones.

I had a dream early last week about snow. I dreamt that it started snowing, the delicate, dreamy flurries like we’re having now and I was so amazed and excited that I opened up the roof of my car (took the roof off, really) to better see it all. I knew other people around me had to think I was nuts to be driving around in a "topless" car in the snow. But I didn’t care. It was too beautiful to not experience it as fully as possible.

I thought about that dream again today as I drove around. I opened up my sunroof about 10 minutes into my drive and took every moment I could, at stop lights and stop signs — and occasionally stopping at dead end streets — to stare up at the sky and watch the snow flakes fall over me. I know there were some Nashville-ites who thought, "this crazy Californian is driving with her sunroof open! They really are nuts out there!"

Know what? I didn’t care. I was having the time of my life, cranking the 90s tunes to the max, dancing in the car, and enjoying the snow.

There are days when God just kisses you on the cheek. Today I got one… or two.

Thank you, Jesus! I love You, too.

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Snow Day!

Today I played in the snow! I danced and sang and threw snowballs…. it was so beautiful! I don’t think there’s anything more magical than falling snow. All of nature gets quiet when it snows, as if it knows something sacred has entered the scene.

I started my Christmas vacation week with a crowded flight to Charlotte Saturday morning. Then we drove up to Boone, NC — up in the Appalachian mountains — for Nina and Toby’s annual "Longjohn Christmas Caroling". And, yes, I did don a pair of longjohns and join in the singing. They’ve even re-written some of the carols, things like "Walking in Our Winter Underwear," to mark this special 32-year tradition.

I feel more up for celebrating Christmas this year, though there are still many times I struggle through the day. There were moments even as we carolled and I put on my best holiday smile that the words were pinging against my heart and leaving marks in its softest places, especially those raw, empty places where mom and dad live. I guess the holidays will always be bittersweet for me now. I have yet to decide if the bitter makes the sweet all the sweeter, or if it just makes it different.

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Rest

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. For in him you have been enriched in every way–in all your speaking and in all your knowledge – because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you. Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. — 1 Corinthians 1:3-9

Still in my pjs… just spending time with the Lord, listening to Rita Springer and worshipping along with her. It’s nice to have Fridays off. To have the apartment to myself. To rest and just enjoy God’s presence in this place. To take time out from the worries and struggles and darkness of my life and just be at peace.

Peace.
In Christ I have all I need. I lack no spiritual gift. And He will keep me strong to the end. He is faithful.

Amen. And Amen.

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Spoken Of — And Spoken For

This is a special passage to me… God used it many times during my year overseas to comfort and encourage me. It came back to me again, as I searched Scripture for answers to a different question.

Amazing how God always comes through… even when we are searching for something different than what He hands us… Yet in His hands we find everything we are looking for.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me
to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-4

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Worth It All

It was a long, dark weekend. Depression Day followed Depression Day… you know, those days when you just can’t get out of bed; so you hide under your covers till way past noon, stay in your pajamas way past afternoon and finally shower around dinner time…

No, perhaps you don’t know.

I don’t understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
give You all of my praise.

There is a darkness that overtakes you. A darkness that is not spiritual, yet impacts your spirit in monumental ways. It obliterates everything in your life, and everything you’ve ever learned. It is all-consuming. It sucks you in and blinds every sense you have. It’s darker than a moonless night, darker than a room with no windows and no lights. The kind of dark where you can’t see your hand even though its an inch from your face. The kind of dark that horror movies are made of

It is a darkness that is profoundly misunderstood by the general Christian public… and even by most well-meaning Christian lay-counselors. Sadly, because of this, most suffer the darkness in silence. Until one day death finally takes them. Or, they hurry death along in their own way.

You hold on to all my pain
with it you are pulling me closer
and pulling me into your ways.

My darkness is inky black. It is filled with sorrow, confusion, guilt and rage. I scream and kick and cry until I’ve spent myself and all that’s left is exhaustion. No one knows I’m raging, no one knows I’m crying, screaming, kicking, spent in sorrow, confusion, exhaustion.

No one knows because no one can see it. No one can see it because it all happens in my soul.

To look at me, you’d probably think I’m tired. Or irritated. Or uninterested. Or perhaps just aloof. I, myself, can hear the chiding voices of previous mentors and counselors. “Now Lu, you can’t let yourself withdraw.” “Get back into the game.” “Just go back and do the last thing you left undone.” “Somewhere you’ve made a wrong choice, chosen a wrong reaction, and now you need to get up, go back to where you left off and go. Go!”

I cannot go. I cannot. I have nothing to give. I have nothing to go to. I cannot see the way to go. Won’t somebody please help me.

Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all.

God Speaks. Every day He speaks. Every moment of the day He speaks. He never demands I get out of bed. Never scolds or chides. Never says I’m lazy or a cry baby. Never says I’m weak for withdrawing. For hiding. Never.

God Speaks. In a gentle, loving voice, He says, “it’s okay. You are okay, just as you are. I am in this darkness with you. It’s okay to be here. Don’t try to be something you are not. That’s not living in integrity. Don’t try to pretend you’re happy and that all is well inside you when it’s not.”

“We’ll get through this,” He says. “We’ll get through this together.”

You hold on to all my pain
with it you are pulling me closer
and pulling me into your ways.

How can the God of all creation, the God who has all power and all might in the palm of His hand… Who watches over every living creature… How can He care so much for little me? Why does He care?

All my life… All I had, all I thought was mine, all I thought was my life… it’s all been demolished. I stand in the ruins of me. Not just of my life. But the ruins of ME.

Yet God daily uses this destruction and pain to create deep intimacy between us… intimacy I never knew was possible. In that space, He reveals to me the depth of His gentleness. And patience. And love.

Now around every corner
up every mountain
I’m not looking for crowns
or water from fountains
I’m desperately seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that I’m needing.

His love. His gentleness. His enduring compassion draws me in. It creates in me a need. Or perhaps it only awakens a need I’d always had.

Either way, I need to see His face. More than I need His praise. More than I need His power. More than I crave His word. I’m desperate for His presence. To see HIS face, feel HIS touch. To see Him in my mind’s eye and know He is here. Right now.

I will say to you then:
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
I believe it.
All my pain and all my joy,
It’s gonna be worth it

Is this enough? Is this enough to live for? Am I not supposed to have a mission? A purpose? Goals and objectives and various ways to use my “gifts” and “talents” for God? Is it enough to say, “it will be worth it. One day, all this crap will be worth it.”

I can’t find anything to live for. All I look for is Jesus. His sweet presence. That’s the only thing I want anymore. The only thing I can think of. The only thing I can “see” in this pitch black inky darkness. I cling to Him and will all the strength I have in me, I believe.

Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all.

Worth It All written By Rita Springer, from her album “Effortless”

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Invisible Presence

There are days, and times, like today… right now sitting at Fido, sort of hearing the noise of the crowd through my headphones as I listen to Phillips Craig and Dean blasting “Your Grace Still Amazes Me” that I feel so incredibly blessed. God’s presence is a constant companion now. No longer do I have to search for Him or quiet my soul…. I know He’s here, I can sense HIm, see HIm in my mind.

How many people here can say that? I look around the room. There a small group huddled around the the bar, laughing and talking… one’s obviously telling a grand story, using his hands and gesturing wildly to convey all that words cannot. Just around the “corner” of the bar from them are two women absorbed in their papers. A man in a wheel chair chats over an empty plate with another man. They seem deep in conversation that interests them both. Throughout out the tables beyond them are scattered groups and individuals, some talking animatedly, some in more serious conversations. Some people are alone, reading, studying or working on their computers. Then there’s the two men beside me. My headphones barely cover over the conversation about music, their many years as musicians, their experiences in the business. I can’t help but notice the tiredness in their voices. Tiredness of life, of the rat race…. as one man told me about a month ago, it seems the magic has gone out of the music for them. And it shows in their conversation.

People continue to come in and out, letting in the crisp air from the rain soaked street. Cars sit in traffic just outside the window… people on their way home from work, or on their way to class or to a doctor’s appointment at Vanderbilt. People heading who knows where…. People move. Some leave, others come and take their seats. Through all the bustle and noise, God’s presence, His shalom envelopes me.

How many here go to bed each night with a hunger in their soul that cannot be satisfied, no matter what they try? How many people here can truly say they experience the shalom (peace) of God resting on them each day, the way I can?

I don’t know how to feel. Do I feel warm and blessed because of God’s presence in my life? Or do I feel sad and in pain for all those who don’t have what I have? I am only one person. What can I possibly do to stem the tide of loneliness in the world? Where would I even begin?

The group at the bar has moved to a table, and has grown from three to five. One particularly good looking man was greeted earlier by another, equally good looking man. By their dress, look and attitudes, I’d say they’re musicians, or somehow connect to the music business, on the artist side. Just now, however, something happened in their group that jolted my heart, excited me and intrigued me about this group, and this man…. A very heavy-set girl, one would probably call her obese, came toward the table, and the good looking man jumped up, greeted her warmly and gave her a big hug. He then led her to a seat and proceeded to make sure everyone at the table knew who she was. They are all now seated and in conversation…. I’m intrigued: Who is this man who seems to draw people to him? People who seem a little diverse. The group isn’t widely diverse, by any means, but they aren’t homogenous either.

Is this the power of influence? Is this the answer to the questions I seek? If so, how does one become a person of influence?

How do I make the invisible God who walks beside me every single day, who never leaves my side, how do I make Him visible to the world around me? How can I help the people in Fido, the people in Nashville, see Him?

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Love’s Completion

This morning’s dose of the Word…. It’s giving me something to chew on.

There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears…

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.

Philipians 1:6, 9-11 The Message

PS — The migraine saga continues… however, today it is less than it was yesterday. Hopefully the beatings from my mind will be as well… Perhaps this is why God drew my attention to these passages this morning…