Deep In

I’ve been in my head a lot the last week, contemplating things around me, observing, learning. God’s been teaching me and showing me in practical ways how to live in a new way.

I’m loving it. It’s so good to have such a hard-core deep relationship with God. Processing through things with Him is such a powerful mind-bending experience.

You know, for seven years now my life has become increasingly dynamic and rich. It’s as if my soul and spirit are finally fully awake and alive. I feel every emotion, see every nuance and hue in the world around me, taste every flavor…. yeah, that also means that the painful things are felt and experienced deeply, but I much prefer life this way, lived and experienced to the fullest, to the monotone life I had before. Two years ago this month I came to the realization that this is really what Christ meant when He talked about giving us Abundant Life. Its not about being on top of the world, it’s about your soul being awakened to every nuance and flavor of life, both good and bad.

For me, even the bad is good. Because God meets me in the bad and walks with me through it. He doesn’t take it away, or make it less, He just fills up the space with Himself and we walk together. I’ve never been married, but I’ve been in a few serious, lengthy relationships and I gotta tell ya, nothing has ever come close to the power and intimacy of my relationship with God. No man will ever be able to satisfy and fulfill me the way God does. Does that sound sacrilegious or… sick in some way? I can’t help it if it does. Its just the plain absolute truth. No one can touch this.

"How can I picture God’s kingdom for you? What kind of story can I use? It’s like a pine nut that a man plants in his front yard. It grows into a huge pine tree with thick branches, and eagles build nests in it…. How can I picture God’s kingdom? It’s like yeast that a woman works into enough dough for three loaves of bread–and waits while the dough rises."  — Jesus, Luke 13:18-20

Morning Meditation

"Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart…

we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." — 2 Cor 4:1,7-11,16-18

An email conversation taking place between some of my Mosaic teammates got my spirit chewing on things this morning, after I worked out at the Y (Yippeee!! Lu is finally learning how to get up in the morning and EXERCISE! I’m still not a morning person, but, hey, I’m still awake and thinking 7 hours after I arose. 🙂 Not a bad start to the new routine. PRAY that I can keep it up.)

I also read the Purpose Driven devotional email and saw a verse from this passage. Things began to click as my mind finally began waking up (a good hot shower always helps the mind-fog to clear).

How many times have I heard in my Christian life that, while suffering is a part of life in Christ, "joy comes in the morning." That is, the pain of suffering will vanish with the light of Jesus upon our souls — or something equally churchy, ethereal,enigmatic, and completely impracticable.

The reality of a follower of Christ just isn’t so pretty a picture. John the Baptist was left in prison to lose his head while Jesus healed and freed OTHERS. Peter died for Christ, Paul went through a litany of crap, John was banished to an uninhabited island, unnamed and countless other followers of Christ have been tortured and killed in our time, in places like Morocco, Libya, India, Indonesia and China.

All of us on my team are struggling and fighting and waging bloody dirty war every single day. Financial difficulties keep us all severely strapped for funds, unmet expectations and unrealized dreams taunt us and dog our every step, workplace strife and stress rips at our spirits and the hard, cold spiritual ground of Nashville leaves us with calluses on our souls as we till the land God has called us to.

I love reading the email of one teammate. He was so excited when we first began. Now he is feeling the beatings of the life of a Barbarian and is struggling to continue to seize every moment of this life to which Jesus called him. It’s such a beautiful sight to see!

Call me weird if you want, but I much prefer to see the struggle; to see followers of Christ contending with life, sometimes overcoming and sometimes being overcome by it, than to see an always victorious shiny person. Another friend is in the throes of wrestling with God over some issues in his life. I love that.

I don’t think you heard me yet. I LOVE THAT.

That’s real life. That’s the kind of life I want to live, the kind of life I want to journey alongside, the kind of community I want to be apart of. I belong in that kind of group. I’m probably the messiest follower of Christ you will ever meet. My life, my heart, my soul, my spirit. Every part of me is messy, muddy, bloody, gritty — and real. I’m not Janice Dickinson — nothing about me is fake and I’m absolutely not perfect. If you don’t like gritty, bloody reality, you better steer clear of me. ‘Cause I’m all about that kind of life. I’ve had my fill of the fluffy, no-complications kind of life most churches try to sell these days.

It is such a cool and amazing thing to be a part of a community where we all sweat and get dirty and bloody together. To watch my brothers contending with life is such an amazing blessing! It brings healing to my soul and courage to my heart. I am literally EN-couraged — filled to overflowing with courage — when I witness such things. Because it says to me, "there is hope for me yet."

There is hope that I can continue the Barbarian path I am on. There is hope that I can contend with life as they do. There is hope that our community will be real and authentic; a true community where hearts are bonded by the gritty reality of following Christ no matter the cost.

Fight on, my brothers! Your struggles buoy my spirit. Your untamed hearts give me courage to unleash my own. And your steadfast love for Christ spurs me on to greater levels of intimacy with Him.

Respite

It’s 9pm and I’m sitting on my porch in sweats and a t-shirt. The summer critters are already playing their nightly symphony, even though its still only March. Yes, I LOVE Nashville! You can’t do this in LA. You just can’t. Not even in summer.

The wind is starting to kick up a little. We’re expecting another massive storm to roll through sometime tonight or early tomorrow. More thunder and lightning. Just my kind of weather.

Even though I worked till 8pm tonight and I’m dead tired from no sleep last night and lots of staring at a computer and working to finish a some reports today, I’m at peace. Life is good. Even when it’s hard, it’s good.

I’m Home

Safe and sound. Thanks for your prayers. Good drive, great time with God, beautiful scenery. What more could you ask for? Except, perhaps, for lower gas prices.

::sigh::

I guess I can’t have everything.

God is able to make you strong, just as the Good News says. It is the message about Jesus Christ and his plan for you, a plan kept secret from the beginning of time. But now as the prophets foretold and as the eternal God has commanded, this message is made known to all everywhere, so that they might believe and obey Christ. To God, who alone is wise, be the glory forever through Jesus Christ. Amen. — Romans 16:25-27

Enjoy the best of Jesus!

God’s Thunder

The thunder is rolling outside. One thunderstorm rolled through about an hour or so ago. Now another one approaches.

I absolutely love the sound of thunder. It reminds me of my childhood, watching thunderstorms roll through El Paso, and Casper, and Glorieta. Watching the lightning out the windows and counting the seconds until the crack of thunder. There’s such power in that sound — so you know there’s power in the lightning.

Many nights our first month or so in Delhi we would sit on our veranda, all 5 of us girls, and watch the storms roll across the city.  We were on the 4th floor, with a only a park in front of our building, so we had a good view of our surroundings. As we watched, inevitably someone would pick up the guitar and start playing a worship song. Before long we would all be singing praises to the Mighty God, He who made the thunder and rain. My prayers during those times were that God’s Spirit would sweep across the city like a storm, bright and loud and bringing cleansing rain.

I have a few friends who are deathly afraid of lightning and thunder. I’ve never understood that. To me the sound of thunder is comforting, soothing. Yes, great power is on display — and if you aren’t careful, you could end up on the wrong end of that power. But to fear it? To be frightened at every crack and rumble? I can’t imagine it.

Thunder is a beautiful sound to my ears. Like a great symphony, an amazing guitar lick or — or the drums coming in on Phil Collins’ "In The Air Tonight." I realized tonight how much I missed it when I stepped outside for a moment just in time to hear it rumble. It’s the rhythm that underscores and accentuates the rain. Without it the rain is, well, just wet. But add thunder and you have music. God’s music. Music in which He displays a hint of His power, celebrates life and brings life.

As a child my parents told me that thunder was God bowling. Perhaps that’s where my association with God and thunder began. Somewhere early in my life, however, God whispered to me that it wasn’t His bowling making the noise, it was His celebration of life.

Tonight as I read through the upper Psalms, I was struck by Psalm 99, particularly the first 4-5 verses.

The LORD reigns,
let the nations tremble;
he sits enthroned between the cherubim,
let the earth shake.
Great is the LORD in Zion;
he is exalted over all the nations.
Let them praise your great and awesome name-
he is holy.

The King is mighty, he loves justice-
you have established equity;
in Jacob you have done
what is just and right.
Exalt the LORD our God
and worship at his footstool;
he is holy.

As I read, I heard God whisper, "Think of it. That’s the One who stands in front of you and fights for you. That’s Me — your Lover."

I had always read these verses and believed my proper response should be fear. As I grew closer to the Lord, I couldn’t fit that belief into my shifting paradigm. I’m not afraid of God. I don’t fear Him at all. Yes, I know He’s all-powerful. But I also know how much and how deeply He loves me. He won’t hurt me. Not that I ever want to do anything that would make Him want to. I love Him very much and very deeply. Its the kind of love that so invades my very being that I just don’t want to hurt Him. I won’t allow myself to if I can at all help it. I don’t want to do that to Him.

But even with all that, reading passages of God’s might and how everyone and everything trembles and shakes before Him really left me with a dilemma that I couldn’t resolve: How am I supposed to respond to these verses?

God, in His whispering voice, answered my question, one I wasn’t even asking as I read.

My response can be the same as my response to thunder. I can rest in the comforting knowledge that all that power and might going on around me isn’t going to "get" me — instead, it is going before me. God stands in front of me, my Defender, my Champion; the One who fights for me.

I am such the quintessential girly-girl!! That hit me in the most needed places in my heart. I want to be championed. I want to be defended. I want to be fought for. And to think that all that power and all that might is on display to ward of my enemies, to defend me against attack, to fight for my honor and reputation, to stand between me and those who wish to take me captive… wow!

It’s a subtle shift in context, from looking at God as the Almighty to be feared —  which the Church these days often misnames "revered" or "respected" — to looking at God as the Almighty defender and protector and champion of me, of you, of all those who follow Him. But it makes a huge difference in how I view Him and how I now can see myself responding to passages like Psalm 99:1-4 with gratefulness, love and loyalty to my God.

And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world.

Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us. We love each other as a result of his loving us first. – 1 John 4:17-19

Weekend Kisses

Some moments in life are kisses on the cheek from God. I had a weekend full of them. And it’s not Monday yet. How blessed I am.

I live on a roller-coaster of emotions. I try so very hard not to "live" in the place of sorrow. I try so hard to pull myself out of it every moment of the day. But the truth is, this is where I am. I dwell in a land of sorrows, of grief, of loss. I wish I could say I’m over all the things I’ve lost. It embarrasses me to know that I still struggle with this grief and depression… I feel so weak and…. immature in the faith. I wish with every fiber of my being I could say I’m past it all. But I cannot.

I keep discovering new things that were destroyed in the landslide of my life. It’s as if God has chosen this time of my life to completely remake me. And he started by demolishing all I was, all I had, all I thought was me.

I believe He is making a New Me. It is a matter of life or death for me — as long as I believe, there is still a spark of life in my spirit, but if I stop believing my spirit will die. So I believe with every ounce of strength I have. And then I cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief!"

My week was filled with such struggles. I tried to deny I was still in this dark place over the last few weeks. Events and situations, God and His provision all buoyed my spirit and aided my self-deception. But a few key events toppled my house of cards. By Wednesday I was exhausted, frustrated and unable to lie to myself any longer.

Last night I went to a Youth Evangelism Conference. I was so tired I really just wanted to stay home and sleep. But a new friend of mine was speaking and I wanted to go hear him and meet up with him for a bit afterward. It was a much longer drive than I anticipated. It seems all of Tennessee was going to this conference. There were over 10,000 people there — at least that’s my estimate, considering the place holds 10,000 and we were so maxed out they ran out of seating and had people sitting on the floor all over the place.

There was amazing worship. Mosaic kind of worship. You don’t get that very much here. Oh, you can get the music and the songs. Great music, great musicianship, great songs.  But not the Spirit. It’s the Spirit-led part that makes Mosaic worship so amazing and refreshing. This was Mosaic Spirit-led kind of worship, with Dave Hunt leading.

Little side note: Barney had given me Dave’s number and has encouraged me many times to get in touch with him. I was just too chicken to call…. you know, that whole "I’m a friend (well, okay, Barney’s my counselor, but also my friend… right?) of so-and-so and he recommended I call you…." Bleh. I’m so bad at that. And I hate doing it. I always feel I’m imposing on people.

I’m not sure all the reasons Barney wanted me to connect with Dave, but I know why God wanted me to. What an amazing worship leader! He reminded me of my friend David Files. David is a tremendously gifted worship leader. Dave Hunt is the same. He led us to the throne of God… over 10,000 of us a singing, dancing and lifting our hands to the Awesome Lover of our Souls.

I felt drenched in holy water. I felt so drenched! Soaked in His love, wrapped in His arms. So, so loved.

How do people live without this love? I don’t know how they do it. I would have killed myself by now. I could not live one single day without it. It calms my spirit when my world is crazy, brings peace to my soul even though the waters we travel are roaring rapids, and quiets the storms of my heart even though they rage out of control. My life didn’t change in that time of worship.  I’m still parent-less. I’m still job-less — permanently-speaking. I’m still at a loss as to why I’m here.

But my heart is full.

Tony’s speaking was amazing — more about that in a moment — and I got to witness God answer a prayer and begin a heart-transplant-life-transformation, even though it was from afar. I spoke to Tony for a moment afterward… and I connected up with Dave for a moment… I drove home not so much happy as content. Not content-for-all-time. Just content.

I got off at a different exit on the freeway than I was supposed to (still got home fine) and meandered through country roads for quite a while — and even that seemed to be a weird divine moment. A time for God to drench me again in His love as I drove and worshipped and talked with Him.

Today was a day of much-needed rest. I attempted to meet up with Tony again down in Murfreesboro, but I just didn’t head down there soon enough and missed him. I spent the afternoon driving through the country-side of Middle Tennessee, talking on the phone with Nina and shopping. All throughout the day I felt God’s kisses and embrace. Everything seemed to shout His praise and caress me with His love… The sun shining through my sun roof, the wind blowing my hair, the beauty of Tennessee, the heart-filling-spirit-refreshing conversation only a sister-best-friend can give….

Oh, how I am blessed.

In Love

His mouth is full of sweetness  And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem…" Song of Songs 5:16

I’m in love. So very, passionately, cray in love.

He’s funny, and wise, and brave, and heroic. He’s romantic, but also very rugged and manly. He always knows what to say, when to say it, and when to keep silent. He loves to laugh, but isn’t afraid to cry either. He’s larger than life and at the same time so very much down to earth and, "real". He’s transparent, authentic I guess is the best word. He is what you see and all you see. He hides nothing, yet at the same time is very mysterious. He knows more than I could ever dream to know. Yet He’s humble. He’s gracious, loving, passionate, kind, strong, powerful, skilled, creative, talented…. What can I say? He’s amazing. Just absolutely amazing.

Throughout the last three years I’ve cried on his shoulder time and time again. I’ve shouted him down a few times too. Whined a lot… all kinds of things. But he’s never complained, never gotten fed up with me. Instead, he’s always been there, comforting me, even when there were no words adequate to the pain I felt and the love and compassion he felt. He’s encouraged me in every endeavour I’ve undertaken, held me up through incredible pain, gotten me to laugh just when I needed it… man! What a lucky — blessed! — woman I am! Such a blessed woman. I know I am loved. Beyond doubt I know. He never misses an opportunity to tell me again of his love. No one could dream of a love this rich, this intimate, this passionate, this personal — it’s as if we were made for each other, we fit like hand-in-glove. I certainly couldn’t have dreamt of a love this crazy-wonderful.

And the craziest thing is I’ve never seen Him with my eyes. I only feel His Spirit within me, feel Him brush against me with every breeze. I see His hands and hear His voice in my mind… But I swear, I feel His breath on me every second of the day, breathing fresh Life into me.

I could never survive without this Love. It is what I live for. What I die for. It is the reason I am who I am.

His love. What a gift it is to me.

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me. — Song of Songs 7:10

All-Out Two-Fisted

Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job,  urging you on whenever you wander left or right: "This is the right road. Walk down this road."

Look, GOD’s on his way, and from a long way off!
Smoking with anger, immense as he comes into view,
Words steaming from his mouth, searing, indicting words!
A torrent of words, a flash flood of words sweeping everyone into the vortex of his words.
He’ll shake down the nations in a sieve of destruction, herd them into a dead end.

But you will sing, sing through an all–night holy feast!
Your hearts will burst with song, make music like the sound of flutes on parade,
En route to the mountain of GOD, on the way to the Rock of Israel.
GOD will sound out in grandiose thunder, display his hammering arm,
Furiously angry, showering sparks- cloudburst, storm, hail!

Oh yes, at GOD’s thunder Assyria will cower under the clubbing.
Every blow GOD lands on them with his club is in time to the music of drums and pipes,
GOD in all–out, two-fisted battle, fighting against them.
Topheth’s fierce fires are well prepared, ready for the Assyrian king.
The Topheth furnace is deep and wide, well stoked with hot-burning wood.
GOD’s breath, like a river of burning pitch, starts the fire.
—Isaiah 30:19-22, 27-33   The Message

This is my cry, Lord! Do this to my enemies! They relentlessly pursue me. I don’t know how to fight them. I couldn’t even if I did. I haven’t the strength. Please, Jesus. I need You. Deliver me!

Please do for me as You did it for Your people long ago. Let Your words coming steaming from Your mouth. I need You in all-out two-fisted battle against my enemies. Let Your breath start the fire that destroys them. I need Your salvation

now.

Deliver us!
Hear our call
Deliver us
Lord of all
Remember us, here in this burning sand
Deliver us
There’s a Land You promised us
Deliver us to the promised Land

Hear our prayer
Deliver us
From despair
These years of slavery grow
Too cruel to stand
Deliver us
There’s a Land You promised us
Deliver us
Out of bondage and
Deliver us to the promised Land

"Deliver Us" Written by Stephen Schwartz, from the motion picture soundtrack "Prince of Egypt"

Reasons To be Cheerful

Stolen from the aforementioned article in The Guardian, and then modified to fit me.

By the way… this little list took me quite a while to compose. But it was worth the time. I needed to find some of the positive things in my life to remind myself that life isn’t all inky black hopelessness.

Lu’s Reasons to be Cheerful:

1. Only 5 1/2 months till the new Harry Potter book comes out!
2. I have a big, thick, gooey brownie left from Saturday night, which I will eat tonight
3. The new season of American Idol has begun (yeah, I know. I’m a cheeseball.)
4. There’s a possibility of doing some freelance writing assignments… Whew! That was hard to write, to put out there for all to see… fear consumes me on this point….
5. It snowed Sunday morning
6. I belong to God
7. I am loved.

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live. — 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18