Today I enter my 41st year on this earth.

At 7:41am central time on September 25, 1965 I made my grand entrance into this world. My dad was in Vietnam. My oldest sister was off at college. And my mom had been in the hospital for several days, since I had threatened to come during Wednesday night Bible study (my mom, Chaplain’s wife to the core, refused to leave until Bible study was over), but changed my mind shortly thereafter.

That’s a pattern I continued all through my life, changing my mind. Frequently and often. Though not many people really know that. I tend to think a lot before I speak, which generally helps. Though it has been my downfall from time-to-time. But I digress.

It’s kinda funny, really. I used to look at the "40s" as being old. But I don’t feel old. I still feel like a freshman in high school, all geeky and goofy-looking but like I’ve got the world by the… well… and my whole life is in front of me.

I still feel that way. Well, except for the last part. I don’t feel like I’ve got my "whole" life in front of me anymore. I feel like it’s mostly behind me. Whether that’s really true or not is yet to be determined.

Ah, the dreams I had of where I would be, who I would be, by the time I was in my 40s. And how far I am from any of them! In my early 30s I was convinced that by the time I was 41 I would be married, with at least one or two children. I’d be living in LA, a stay-at-home mom with a big house and a dog or two. My husband would be a doctor, or a writer-producer (told you I changed my mind often). By the time I reached my late thirties, I was thinking more of marrying another missionary, or someone in ministry somewhere. But the kids thing was still very much in the dream.

In my late 20s I definitely saw myself as married long before I turned 40, with a husband/writing partner on a successful television show — and three or four kids running around too.

In my late teens early 20s I couldn’t even conceive of my 40s — but I know the dream was to be married with six kids, and several Grammys, Oscars and Tonys decorating my mantles around my huge home in Malibu. I still believed I could be Olivia Newton-John, Patti LuPone and Debbie Reynolds all rolled into one.

My, how different my life turned out. Not that I’m complaining. Those were nice dreams. But that’s all they were. Dreams. Fantasies. Real Life is so much different. And, for the most part, so much better.

41. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend. No big house. No shiny awards. I’m not even working in entertainment anymore (unless this blog counts as "entertainment"; if so, I’m grossly underpaid and need to unionize NOW).

I’m extremely grateful to God for unrealized dreams. Not that kids and husbands and big houses and awards aren’t great to have (or want). It’s just that I look around at my life and I’m satisfied. I like where I am at this moment. I don’t want to stay here forever, but I like it for right now. I’m grateful I don’t have children. More for them than for me. I look at who I was back then, even just two or three years ago, and I know I would have inflicted much pain and brokenness on their young hearts and minds. Not that I won’t still should God create a new miracle and give me a child in my "old age". But I’ve learned so much about who am really am, in God’s eyes, and what really matters, that I think the damage I’ll inflict will be much, much less than it would have been had I had those six children in my 20s that I dreamed of and so longed for.

And while having a husband, a partner, to share my life with would truly be a blessing, I’m so grateful he’s not in my life yet. I couldn’t be the wife and partner and lover he deserves, not then, and perhaps not even yet. I’m still dealing with some stuff that needs to be resolved, needs healing, before I’ll be there.

And truthfully, I really love being single. I couldn’t always say that. I don’t know that I could ever really say that and have it be the truth. I know I wanted to believe I was happy being single, but the truth is that I spent most of my adult years dreaming and fantasizing of my "knight in shining armor," rather than living the life in front of me. I didn’t really give myself the chance to be single, in body, spirit and mind because my mind and spirit were always elsewhere, pining to be married.

(Boy does my grammar suck in this post — I just started two paragraphs with "And" and I have no desire, or ideas how, to change it. I’m either getting old in my head too, or getting more rebellious — yeah, probably both.)

While I miss my friends in Hollywood, and I miss working on the Paramount lot especially, I don’t miss the constant popularity contest of that world. I don’t miss feeling like I was perpetually back in high school and was once again not in the in crowd, but desperately wanting to be. The corporate world of health care (is there another industry in which to work in Nashville, besides music??) is just as filled with politics — which, if Friday is any indication, I’m completely failing at still; but that’s another story — but it isn’t as high school-ish as Hollywood is. And the politics are easier to ignore, because, unlike television, sometimes what we are dealing with really is life-and-death-brain-surgery stuff.

I’m so grateful I didn’t realize those dreams of success in the Industry, of Grammys and Oscars and Tonys. Can you imagine? None of that success, none of those awards would have made a difference in who I really am, down inside, and how broken I was and still am. It just would have made it that much harder to admit my brokenness and need for redemption and transformation at the deep level God has provided.

Had all those dreams been realized, I would not be able to live the life I have now. No, it’s not a perfect life. I will probably spend my birthday evening alone (plans fell through late last night) catching up on my TiVo’s activities after a day filled with budget frustrations and constantly changing numbers at work. My dreams for a hybrid car and a couple acres of land to call my own still elude me. My longing for a life partner is still unmet. My Weight Watchers plans all went to crap this week and the only present I’ll probably get today will be the iPod I’m planning to buy myself after work tonight.

But you know what? I still have an awesome life. I have this wonderful little place that is all my own. A place where I feel safe, not just physically but emotionally. I didn’t realize that I’d never really felt that before; not until recently. I’m a safe person for me to be alone with — I’ve never been that before. Too much self-beating and emotional self-abuse.

I have a wonderful little car, a complete gift from God! I have family and friends who love me (even though most are a couple thousand miles away), a God who adores me and a few dear friends who truly believe in me.

Most of all, I’m finally discovering who I really am. For the first time I’m finally truly delving into all the parts of me I so carefully avoided for fear of offending someone I loved and losing their love and I’m staring it all down, studying me from every angle and learning who and what I am, from the inside out. Perhaps that’s really my birthday gift this year: Me.

Ever had to do this? Ever had to amend your dreams because reality cut in on your dance? It kinda sucks. But, that’s life I guess.

I called the bank yesterday afternoon and got a reality check. Turns out I hadn’t really been allowing enough for taxes/registration, etc. So the amount of car I can afford went down a couple of thousand. A new car is pretty much out of the picture at this point. And some of the cars I’d been looking at are definitely out.

It was sooo cool to get so many comments yesterday — and from some I hadn’t heard from in a while too!! Yippee! Thanks everyone for the great comments/conversation. I so appreciate any and all advice and ideas I can get on this one! Never does the single life feel as lonely as when I have to make a huge decision like this. Yuck. On the other hand, I don’t have to compromise with someone else on what I want. Which is a very good and fun thing. I just have to compromise with the bank and my finances. Which  brings me back to the point of this post.

My dream car has been a Prius for about a year now. A Honda hybrid just hasn’t been as appealing, but it still makes a good second choice. However, they have just priced them completely out of my range. It makes me so angry at times. How will we ever be able to gain our freedom from gas-dependence and from OPEC as long as car companies insist on overpricing hybrids and leaving the common middle-to-working class buyer completely out of the market? We are the ones who do the most driving. Back and forth to work. Back-and-forth. Back-and-forth. Grrr. And with gas prices as crazy as they are, and promising to get crazier as life goes on with no hope of ever coming back to sanity, hybrids or at least really good mileage cars, are a moral and financial imperative. This is when capitalism drives me nuts. Normally I’m a huge fan of the free-market capitalist society. But times like this, when big companies call the shots and us regular people suffer the consequences and pay the price — literally — I’m about ready to call for government regulation. An absolute sin in the Republican/Conservative word. But who cares about politics when I’m trying to buy a good car?? Certainly not me.

I don’t know how so many people are able to afford cars to begin with. Man, they are expensive! I think I earn a decent living. I earn much, much more than when I first started yet. Yet I can still barely afford a new Civic. It’s unbelievable.

Now, granted, I’m trying not to finance more than about $14k at the most. But still, you would think that for $19-$20K out the door I should be able to get a really good, mid-luxury kind of car. You know, something that’s more than a beginner buyer out of college would get. Something like a new Camry or Accord. But nope. Those are WAYYYYY out of my league. Unless I want to pay over $300/month. Which I think is outrageous. I’m looking at keeping my payments between $275-$290/mo which is as low
as I can seem to get them in order to get a nice car with low miles. But even then, I’m looking at 3-year old cars. I could get a lower monthly payment by getting an older, or less appealing car. But, dang man! I’m 40 years old. I want to drive something nice and reliable. Not just something that doesn’t cost a lot. Aaaaauugggghhhh.

Perhaps my thinking is out of whack with reality, I don’t know. Do most people pay that much a month for a car? That just seems crazy to me.

Part of the problem, too, is that I really want to save money and start going to college in the next year. I need to not spend that much on a car each month, so I can put some aside for school/savings.

And part of the problem is I just hate debt. And the thought of being so in debt for a car just freaks me a little. But I guess that’s just something I have to get over in this new world of overpricing.

Now I’m looking at buying a used car. One with low miles and good reputation. Still looking at the Element. Still looking at the Acura I was in the last post. Still considering the Dodge. I’ve now added a used Beetle Convertible I found at Carmax or a new hard top I could afford — the woman at my bank’s negotiations office suggested that one.

I never did well with constantly shifting options. I don’t exactly know why. Is it my personality or something else? Whatever the reason, I tend to do better when I have more time to consider and then less time to deal with anxiety when the time comes to implementing my plans — in this case buying the car.

I keep clinging to God’s promises to be with me and to provide for my needs. But I still suffer from a good strong case of the nerves. So many things to think about, so little time to really mull them over (Yeah, I guess I’m a big "J" after all, Wendy).  I get scared that I’ll later regret my purchase, regret spending so much each month on my car.

And lest you think I’m just freaking out because it’s a car. Ha. Let me set you straight. I freak out at any large purchase. And at every major commitment. I freaked at committing to 4 years on a team that I’d not spent any time with overseas — turned out I was right to do so, but that’s a story for another post. I freaked out when the SBC office I was temping for told me if they hired me they wanted me to make a 3-4 year commitment to the job (what the….????). Needless to say, I didn’t say yes. I will probably freak when my future husband asks me to marry him. It’s just the whole idea of not having an escape clause, just in case I get into something and discover its a complete hornets nest and I need out fast.

Man, I sound like a control freak, huh. Perhaps I am. But God seems bent on changing this whole facet of my personality. Or at least loosening me up. Pretty much my whole life for the last 6 years has been one long constant stepping out in faith, facing my fears head-on and and choosing to trust God for the seeming impossible. I don’t take much time to look back and marvel at where I came from. The present always seems to captivate my attention and keep me tied up in concern — and occasionally, awe. But every once in a while, I look back in wonder and amazement at all He brought me through, all He’s done for me and all I have become since the new millennium began.

The night my car died, God took me back to an old, once familiar passage that I hadn’t looked at in a while, Romans 5:1-11

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For
if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the
death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be
saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

"Since we were reconciled, how much more…." It rang through my head. And my heart. I heard God whisper, "how much more will I give you, my precious daughter! How much more will I provide. I met you at your point of need even before you knew you needed. Just because I adore you. How much more will I give you now that you know your are My beloved and are committed to becoming all I dream for you? How much more!"

And that’s what I cling to right now. That’s what I use to calm my fears and settle my nerves. I just keep crying out to Him, "Help me choose the best!" and believing in "how much more" He has for me.