What if we just moved Tennesee and the Carolinas overseas…? Do you think anyone would notice…?
If I could just find a way to have the beauty and majesty and culture of these three states (well, sans the overdeveloped, undernourished "churchy" stuff) and still be in a foreign place….
I wonder if anyone would notice if we moved the city of Nashville to another country…?
Taking a quick break from addressing envelopes for Christmas Cards… went downstairs to get something to drink from the break room and spent a little time staring out the big picture window, watching traffic pass by and the American flag waving in the wind.
As I watched our flag, I flashed back to the moment I first saw it again after my first trip overseas. I’d just spent 4 glorious days in Japan and 9 painfully culture-shock-filled days in China. I was so desperate to be back on familiar soil! Arriving back at LAX, the first American flag I saw was painted on the side of an aircraft hanger. You never saw someone with so much joy in their heart! I was so glad to see it, MY flag, staring back at me so huge and proud.
Wow, I thought. It’s so good to see that emblem again and know I am safe at last.
That was eight years ago. And for the better part of two years, whenever I saw that flag waving in the wind I felt proud, and never wanted to live somewhere it wasn’t flying.
Now, after two major stints overseas, and a whole lotta life packed into each year, each time I see the American flag waving proudly in the wind, I get a bit of a shock. As if I took a gulp of coke when I was expecting iced tea. I keep expecting to see a Greek flag, or Indian or Ethiopian or Chinese, or some other nation’s flag waving outside. And there’s a small sense of disappointment that pricks my heart when that expectation goes unrealized yet again.
Where once I felt I’d never live anywhere else, now each time I see my flag waving I wonder, what am I doing here?
There are days, and times, like today… right now sitting at Fido, sort of hearing the noise of the crowd through my headphones as I listen to Phillips Craig and Dean blasting “Your Grace Still Amazes Me” that I feel so incredibly blessed. God’s presence is a constant companion now. No longer do I have to search for Him or quiet my soul…. I know He’s here, I can sense HIm, see HIm in my mind.
How many people here can say that? I look around the room. There a small group huddled around the the bar, laughing and talking… one’s obviously telling a grand story, using his hands and gesturing wildly to convey all that words cannot. Just around the “corner” of the bar from them are two women absorbed in their papers. A man in a wheel chair chats over an empty plate with another man. They seem deep in conversation that interests them both. Throughout out the tables beyond them are scattered groups and individuals, some talking animatedly, some in more serious conversations. Some people are alone, reading, studying or working on their computers. Then there’s the two men beside me. My headphones barely cover over the conversation about music, their many years as musicians, their experiences in the business. I can’t help but notice the tiredness in their voices. Tiredness of life, of the rat race…. as one man told me about a month ago, it seems the magic has gone out of the music for them. And it shows in their conversation.
People continue to come in and out, letting in the crisp air from the rain soaked street. Cars sit in traffic just outside the window… people on their way home from work, or on their way to class or to a doctor’s appointment at Vanderbilt. People heading who knows where…. People move. Some leave, others come and take their seats. Through all the bustle and noise, God’s presence, His shalom envelopes me.
How many here go to bed each night with a hunger in their soul that cannot be satisfied, no matter what they try? How many people here can truly say they experience the shalom (peace) of God resting on them each day, the way I can?
I don’t know how to feel. Do I feel warm and blessed because of God’s presence in my life? Or do I feel sad and in pain for all those who don’t have what I have? I am only one person. What can I possibly do to stem the tide of loneliness in the world? Where would I even begin?
The group at the bar has moved to a table, and has grown from three to five. One particularly good looking man was greeted earlier by another, equally good looking man. By their dress, look and attitudes, I’d say they’re musicians, or somehow connect to the music business, on the artist side. Just now, however, something happened in their group that jolted my heart, excited me and intrigued me about this group, and this man…. A very heavy-set girl, one would probably call her obese, came toward the table, and the good looking man jumped up, greeted her warmly and gave her a big hug. He then led her to a seat and proceeded to make sure everyone at the table knew who she was. They are all now seated and in conversation…. I’m intrigued: Who is this man who seems to draw people to him? People who seem a little diverse. The group isn’t widely diverse, by any means, but they aren’t homogenous either.
Is this the power of influence? Is this the answer to the questions I seek? If so, how does one become a person of influence?
How do I make the invisible God who walks beside me every single day, who never leaves my side, how do I make Him visible to the world around me? How can I help the people in Fido, the people in Nashville, see Him?
I sit in a windowless room, while the beauty of a rainy day rages on outside. Without me.
I see the refreshing glory of God every time I pass a window. Rain-slicked streets, misty clouds hovering nearby, shrouding all of downtown Nashville in a mysterious grey veil. It feels like London! Such mystery to explore, and adventures to be had!
Yet I sit in a windowless room…
There’s so much beauty in Tennessee! So much to see, to taste and smell, to breathe in… On my way to work this morning, fog-covered hills sang a beautiful song to Jesus draped in amazing colors, announcing Fall’s arrival.
This place is magical. Exploding with all the mystical elements my heart has called "Fall" since as early as I can remember. I’ve dreamed for years of living in a place like this; experiencing just one autumn filled with all the magic: colors, air crisp and clear, the aroma of fresh rain and dirt lingering in the air, mixing with the fragrances of wood burning in fireplaces somewhere nearby.
This is the magic where stories live. Stories that stir my soul, warm my heart and draw my mind toward home.
And now I’m living in one. A magical story. Where the Hero rescues the peasant from the Beast and brings her to His land, full of beauty and endless bounty. To the average person I’m sure Nashville just looks like another big city. Another dot on a map of the United States.
But to me it’s Narnia.
I love autumn! Especially here. The leaves have begun to change. What beautiful colors! Everyone’s told me that we’re not in the best color time yet… Wow, I can’t WAIT!
The last few days here it’s been overcast, rainy, a few thunderstorms scattered for fun and noise… the mornings have been so crisp, so fresh and beautiful.
I LOVE Tennessee!!! What a great state. What a GORGEOUS state! With all this beauty, why did I ever stay in LA for so long…????
… uh, oh yeah… friends. My friends are in LA….. that’s why I stayed… I remembered it because their all chucking oranges at me from their cars, as they sit on the freeway, in rush hour traffic, smog, and heat.
Guess what, guys! It only took me about 25 minutes to get home tonight, and that was because it was raining hard. ;P
Yeah. I love Nashville.
Nina and I arrived in Nashville early this evening with a U-Haul full of my stuff… things I haven’t seen in over a year! Tonight has been like Christmas… unwrapping all this stuff! There are some things I’d forgotten I still had, and others I discovered got sold, or thrown out….. Then there was the mirror the movers ripped out of the vanity top to my dresser and wrapped separately… that will have to be replaced… ugh.
There are so many more boxes to open, furniture to put together, things to put away… Where do I start??? I’m exhausted…. Nina’s already in bed and I think it’s time for me to hit the sack too.
Aahh, to finally sleep in my OWN bed! It’s only been a year and 3 months, but who’s counting, right?
G’night all. Sweet dreams. I know I’ll be having some!
A great thunderstorm is sliding through Hendersonville as I type.The rain is pounding hard on the roof. Just a moment ago one lightning bolt struck so close we lost power for a moment. Cool. š
I love thunderstorms! I love everything about them. The sounds of thunder and rain. The flickers of the lightning — especially at night when they light up the whole sky. The smell of the earth after a good rain. Here in Tennessee often after a rain a mist will rise off the rivers, lakes and ponds. It’s so beautiful!
Isn’t it amazing how something so tumultuous as a thunderstorm can bring such beauty into life?
I don’t fit in here. I don’t know where I do fit. I wish I did.
Last night we had our second “Gathering” in Centenial Park. Most of the team was there… minus the Shanklin’s, who’ve gone back to Indiana to pack, Tim who’s in Indiana working on a plan to come back — and Jared and Noni, whom I’m hoping and praying real hard will come out. So, okay, not everyone was there. But most of us were. And we had two other girls and two new guys.
I tried to fit in, I really did. But I’m not in college, like the girls and one of the guys, or working with college kids, like Mike and his roommates. I’m not an artist, or in any form “artsy” like Brian, Josh, Tim, Jared, Noni and Jamie. Nor am I a mom, like Dawn and Elizabeth. And I’m certianly not the extrovert people magnet Jamie is. Where do I fit? Where do I find people like me here in Nashville? Older, single, no kids, with a career goal of following Jesus no matter the cost…?
I cried most of the way home. I miss my life group in LA. I miss Cassie, and her enveloping hugs. I miss Debbie, and the depth of her spirit. I miss Wendy and the depth of her love. Her heart is such rich soil! I miss Kat. I just miss all of Kat! š I miss Ron and Leticia… and… just getting lost in Mosaic. In the worship, in the atmosphere… I miss being anonymous in my comfort zone. I can be anonymous here, but it just ain’t anywhere near my comfort zone — and if you’ve ever been to a “southern” church and also to Mosaic, you understand what I mean!
Here there’s no where to hide. Not in Mosaic, anyway. But yet, even though I stand in the light exposed, I can’t find the little hole labeled “Lu’s hole”. I’m too square to fit in the round artsy holes where the rest of the team resides, and too round to fit in the square holes where the churches here all reside.
I feel like I’m back in high school, sitting on the theatre steps, wishing I was either cool enough to fit in with the hip crowd, or funky enough to fit in with actors and other artists, rather than sitting there alone in all my weirdness eating my pb&j….
No matter how far we get from graduation, we always end up back at the lunch tables. Weird.
I checked out a church in Brentwood that’s only been around for a year. I was told the pastor used to be at Christ Church (a HUGE church here in Nashville) but left there to start this new community a few miles away.
It was interesting. There was a pretty good sized crowd, but not a really huge one. The music was good — though I only caught the last couple songs, ’cause of course I was late. — Hey, when you start something at 9:30am and it’ll take me about a half hour to get there, just count on it, I’ll be late. And early riser I’m not.
Anyway, the pastor was pretty good. He was casually dressed and sat on a stool most of the time. Those of you from Mosaic will recognize the format. š I really liked his talked, until his last point. Then he lost me.
He was focusing on 2 Corinkthians 8, which is kinda funny to me, since I’ve been in 2 Corinthians during my alone times with Jesus the last couple of weeks. Paul was talking about giving the church at Corinth a chance to prove that their love is sincere by giving to the church in Jeruselem what they had promised to give a year prior. Stan, the pastor, talked about how God gives to us in abundance all that we need (see chapter nine for more on this) and that God Himself loves to lavish His creation with gifts. And that God longs for us to be like Him. Stan also talked about how our motive for giving to others who are in need should not be to be seen or known for our “generosity”; that our generosity proves out the sencerity of our love — for God and for others.
Okay, I’m with him so far. But then he took this radical left turn…. and lost me. He started in on how we can’t just go from loving God to loving and giving to others. He said there’s a vital step that many miss… and that’s learning to love ourselves. And by the time he was done he was focusing more about learning to accept the love of God and love ourselves the way He loves us, than he was on being generous with our lives and spending ourselves for the cause of Christ.
Now, I agree that part of becoming a generous person is recognizing how deeply and richly God loves us. Before we can spend ourselves for a cause, we need to know that our Source will not fail us, not run dry or just run out on us. But honestly, when people begin focusing on loving ourselves, it just creeps me out. Maybe it’s the phrase “love yourself”, or maybe it’s because I can find nothing in the Bible that says we need to learn how to do that. I see lots of places, however, where it seems to me to imply, infer, or even flat out state that we have no problem doing that. Jesus didn’t make a big deal of it when he said, “love others as you love yourself.” He just said it. “Love God. Love others — as you love yourself.”
So, does that me that we must love ourselves before we can love others? Or does that mean that we love others as we are loving ourselves. Kinda like you clean the kitchen as you do the dishes… or do you clean the kitchen first, then do the dishes…?
This is one that always gets me all messed up. Perhaps that’s why I just don’t dwell on it much. But in the conversations I had with people the last few weeks, it seems to be a theme in the lives of people here in Nashville. At least for some. And it’s a huge theme for this church I went to. In fact, their motto is: “Love God. Love Yourself. Love Others.” Hmmm….. that sounds rather backwords to me.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think we should never take care of ourselves or make sure our needs are met. I just don’t think NOT loving ourselves is really an issue in today’s world. We make sure we get a showever every day, right? Make sure we get food when our stomaches growls — even if it growls for quite some time, we still make sure we fed. And when someone steps on our “rights” or over our “boundaries” we’re usually pretty quick to tell them. You want proof? What was your reaction to the last person who cut you off on the freeway…? š
I often wonder, and sometimes am convinced, that people are just using the “I’m learning to love myself” or “I need to love/take care of myself first” card as an excuse for their stingyness and spiritual lethargy.
I really believe Jesus was saying that we should love others as we are loving ourselves…. not just like we love ourselves, but as we learn how to accept and believe His unbelievable, unfailing, unconditional and unending love for us. As we see that our Source will never fail us, never run dry, never run out on us, we will be too full of love to contain it.
I just don’t want to focus on loving myself. I want to focus on loving others with the unending resevoir of love Jesus drenches me in every day. If I’m psychologically unsound, so be it.