Category Archives: Mission

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It IS About You, It IS About Me

“It’s not about you.”

It’s the latest mantra of western Christians. I suppose it could be credited it to the well-meaning, well-spoken words of Rick Warren in his book, “Purpose Driven Life”. However, I think we in the Body of Christ have come to misuse and abuse this saying. It’s become a stick we beat people with instead of an encouragement to build people up, and help them refocus their lives on God’s purpose for them.

I heard it again tonight. Well meant, I’m sure. But completely misused and, in part, abusive. It felt like a complete slap in the face. As if all that God had been revealing to me, all that God has been doing in my heart and soul over the last two years is a lie. That I am being selfish and self-centered to even want God to care about me or about my “trials”.

The Truth I’ve come to find in God’s Word, and in my own experience with Him over the last couple of years, is that it IS about me. It really IS. About. ME.

God is so very in love with me. With me of all people! His life, His existence, His focus is all about showing me just how truly, madly, deeply He loves me, how He strongly He longs to have an intimate divinely sweet relationship with me, how He wants nothing more than to pour out into me all the love and grace and mercy and gentleness and kindness and joy and so much more that He has… to pour all that He is and has into me every second of the day, how He has so many mysteries and secrets and passions He is desperate to share with me. From the moment I wake up to the moment I wake the following morning and round again, I am on His mind. I am the focus of His attention. I am the apple of His eye.

Think of that! WE are on His mind, the Creator of the Universe thinks of nothing but US every second of every minute of every day of every month of every year forever.

Why do you think Jesus suffered the brutal death He did? For me. To give me Life.

Yes, yes, I know… He didn’t come just for me… or did He?

What is it we Christians always say to those we are leading to Christ? “Even if you were the only person on earth, Jesus would still have died for you.”

Why is it okay to say that to others and not to believe it ourselves? If I were the only person on earth Jesus would still have died for me. THAT’S how much He loves me.

I think we don’t really believe that line we feed our potential “converts”. We believe it for, and about, them at that moment. But not for and about ourselves. And once a person commits their lives to Christ, we do a bait-and-switch and tell them “its not about you, it’s about them.” As if now that God has us, He no longer cares about our wants, needs, hurts, desires, longings.

So wrong. So very wrong.

Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son… Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. — Eph 1:4-6, 11-12 (The Message)

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! — Jesus (Matt 7:9-11)

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me. — Song of Songs 7:10

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Invisible Presence

There are days, and times, like today… right now sitting at Fido, sort of hearing the noise of the crowd through my headphones as I listen to Phillips Craig and Dean blasting “Your Grace Still Amazes Me” that I feel so incredibly blessed. God’s presence is a constant companion now. No longer do I have to search for Him or quiet my soul…. I know He’s here, I can sense HIm, see HIm in my mind.

How many people here can say that? I look around the room. There a small group huddled around the the bar, laughing and talking… one’s obviously telling a grand story, using his hands and gesturing wildly to convey all that words cannot. Just around the “corner” of the bar from them are two women absorbed in their papers. A man in a wheel chair chats over an empty plate with another man. They seem deep in conversation that interests them both. Throughout out the tables beyond them are scattered groups and individuals, some talking animatedly, some in more serious conversations. Some people are alone, reading, studying or working on their computers. Then there’s the two men beside me. My headphones barely cover over the conversation about music, their many years as musicians, their experiences in the business. I can’t help but notice the tiredness in their voices. Tiredness of life, of the rat race…. as one man told me about a month ago, it seems the magic has gone out of the music for them. And it shows in their conversation.

People continue to come in and out, letting in the crisp air from the rain soaked street. Cars sit in traffic just outside the window… people on their way home from work, or on their way to class or to a doctor’s appointment at Vanderbilt. People heading who knows where…. People move. Some leave, others come and take their seats. Through all the bustle and noise, God’s presence, His shalom envelopes me.

How many here go to bed each night with a hunger in their soul that cannot be satisfied, no matter what they try? How many people here can truly say they experience the shalom (peace) of God resting on them each day, the way I can?

I don’t know how to feel. Do I feel warm and blessed because of God’s presence in my life? Or do I feel sad and in pain for all those who don’t have what I have? I am only one person. What can I possibly do to stem the tide of loneliness in the world? Where would I even begin?

The group at the bar has moved to a table, and has grown from three to five. One particularly good looking man was greeted earlier by another, equally good looking man. By their dress, look and attitudes, I’d say they’re musicians, or somehow connect to the music business, on the artist side. Just now, however, something happened in their group that jolted my heart, excited me and intrigued me about this group, and this man…. A very heavy-set girl, one would probably call her obese, came toward the table, and the good looking man jumped up, greeted her warmly and gave her a big hug. He then led her to a seat and proceeded to make sure everyone at the table knew who she was. They are all now seated and in conversation…. I’m intrigued: Who is this man who seems to draw people to him? People who seem a little diverse. The group isn’t widely diverse, by any means, but they aren’t homogenous either.

Is this the power of influence? Is this the answer to the questions I seek? If so, how does one become a person of influence?

How do I make the invisible God who walks beside me every single day, who never leaves my side, how do I make Him visible to the world around me? How can I help the people in Fido, the people in Nashville, see Him?

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Together

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. — Phil 3:12-14

This morning I sat on my balcony and took some time to breathe. To inhale deeply of God. It’s been far too long since I did that.

As I sat and watched some beautiful birds flit around the trees, some fighting and vying for the best branches or favorite perches, God and I talked a little about the direction of my life.

I have no idea where I’m going. I don’t know how the bills are going to be paid. It seems that every time I think I see a light signaling the end of this long dark tunnel I’m in, that light ends up being a mirage. Something else pops up. The road takes a sudden dive and we’re back down in the darkness, exploring the deeper recesses of life.

God sat beside me, patted my hand, pressed His thumb to my forehead, as He so often does and assured me He is here.

As I contemplated whether life was for the “hereafter”, as Paul seems to be looking forward to, or for the “today”, I looked at God and said, “I want healing now. I want to follow You now. I want to know what you want me to do, where to work and how to get through the days now.

I heard Him whisper, “My healing is for now, and for the future. My salvation is now, and in the future. I inhabit Today, and every one of the Tomorrows. But I don’t work backwards. Yesterday and all the other days that have gone before it, I don’t live there anymore.

“Don’t live in the past, My sweet child. Don’t look back. Don’t look back in regret. Don’t look back in sorrow that the best has come and gone. Don’t look back. I’m not there anymore. I’m here. And We, you and I, will get through this. Together.

Press on, My baby. My Beloved Bride. You and I will have that Wedding. And between now and then, there will be so much We will do. Together.

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Disappointment

I walked into the Convivium Wednesday night thirsty; in desperate need of a community to come along side me and just love on me. What I walked into was a gathering of of like-minded people. What I got was a business meeting. What I left with was a heart even heavier and thirstier than when I went in.

What do you do when your ministry team isn’t a community? Should I even be looking to them for that? Am I expecting too much from them? Should I be looking for my friendships and companionships elsewhere?

Should I even be in ministry right now? I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. I’m struggling with depression, on anti-depressants, in counseling…. I can’t even give a hundred per cent at my office because I can’t focus, can’t sleep, can’t….

No one is getting my best. No one here is seeing me at my best. I just don’t have it to give. I try my hardest, but it’s just not there… what I know I’m capable of, it just won’t come. And I feel all the sadder, because no one is getting to see the best of me.

The exhilaration of life I felt just last weekend as I drove over the mountains and soaked up all the beauty and majesty of Tennessee and the Carolinas has vanished. I remember what it felt like, but I no longer feel it.

But I still feel God’s presence. Like a mother hen gathering her chicks, He gathers me under His wing and holds me close. No answers. No insight. No words, except a whispered, “oh, my sweet, sweet child! It’s okay. I’m here.”

He never disappoints. Never. Everyone else around does, at some point. Most not maliciously, or even consciously. It’s just the nature of us humans.

But God, He’s not human. He took the form of one once… but not the shape. He doesn’t act like us at all. He never disappoints. Never.

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Convivium

[Latin]–a feast or banquet; or, more broadly, a living together, from con + vivo.

Once upon a time, long ago, people ate meals together. Sometimes these meals would last for days. Sometimes merely hours. Sometimes it was merely the breaking of bread and drinking a bit of wine. Other times a fatted calf was killed and a party ensued the like of which you ain’t seen in, well… ages. People not only at together, they talked. In between bites, or perhaps, when the conversation got good, during bites, they would share their opinions, beliefs, convictions, the latest joke they heard, and all manner of things with each other.

Those were the days, eh.

What’s happened to our world? We go out to eat, but the restaurants are so loud we can’t really talk. We talk on the phone but are too busy to really delve deep into the reservoirs of each others minds. We gather over coffee at Starbucks or Fido and tell each other about the happenings in our lives, but we never listen to each others hearts. Nor, sadly, to we share our own.

Tonight is Convivium. Every other Wednesday Mosaic Nashville’s launch team gathers together to feast, not on food, but on words. Each other’s words. It’s a time to live together, to dine together at the table of our God. Where His Word and our words come together in a glorious feast that satisfies the soul’s hunger and thirst for true community.

We don’t get it right all the time. Sometimes our souls walk away still thirsting. Sometimes our hearts walk away bruised. But we’re a convivium of imperfect humans, so how can we expect our relationships with each other to be perfect?

Tonight I go to Convivium with a very deep soul hunger. The last few days have left me raw inside; beat up, wiped out, and sad. Very sad. Tears roll for no immediate reason. Please, God, let this evening be Your time. Let it be a true Convivium, what it was designed by You to be: a place where I, and every other soul-hungry teammate, can feast at Your table.

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.” — Isa 55:1-3

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¡viva insurrección!

Over a period of time spanning through the last several decades, the church in America has separated itself from the world. Self preservation has become the focus for the church and all its followers. A chasm has been created between the church’s original mission and it’s current day reality. It’s time the pendulum swung back to where it belongs. It’s time for God’s plan – advancing His Kingdom throughout the world and into the future – to become our reason for living.

There are certain cities around this country and the world where culture is shaped and then breathed out into the rest of the world. Nashville is one of those cities. As members of the Mosaic Global Insurrectionist Team, it is our mission to relocate ourselves to Nashville, infilitrate the cultural shaping entities by loving and serving, and begin to watch the Kingdom of God be advanced throughout the city, and the world.

Our mission is not survival. Our mission is not comfort. Our mission is to attack the spiritual front line, to see light exist where there was once darkness, one life at a
time.

Mosaic Global Insurrectionist Team – Nashville.
Joshua Shanklin

Going back to my rant of yesterday…. This is the reason I came to Nashville. It’s the reason I moved far from all my friends and the church I love. I came because my heart breaks for the people of America. The Church has, for the most part, abandoned them — or joined them in the mud and mire. This is, in essence, part of my 95 theses nailed to the Church doors…. I hope my life will be the other part.

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The Revolution is Over… The Tragedy is: We Won

Nothing is more dangerous to a revolution than winning. When a revolution wins, it must face the prospect of becoming an institution. No better example of this exists than when Constantine began mandating national baptisms. Christianity changed from a movement to an institution, from a global revolution to a world religion. You could now become a Christian without ever having met Jesus Christ personally. This was a bad thing-like keeping the shell and tossing the egg.

The irony in this is that the force of Christianity first changed the Roman world and then relinquished its power in the name of accommodation. It’s easy to see the difference between Christianity as a religion and Christianity as a revolution when we look back to the days of Constantine and the Dark Ages that followed. It’s more difficult to see that difference in our contemporary environment because we are standing in the middle of it. Our great awakenings were born through men and women who could see that the church had lost her way. They led the church back to the third day: from death to resurrection. They called God’s people out of the apathetic to the passionate.

Real, sustainable change occurs when actions are in response to values. For too long we have focused on making sure people believe the right things and have left their concerns alone. I know it may sound like heresy, but it is more important to change what people care about than to change what they believe! You can believe without caring, but you can’t care without believing. We cannot afford to fill our churches with members who have biblical beliefs and worldly concerns. When we awaken the apostolic ethos, the heart of God begins to pulsate throughout the church of Jesus Christ. The Christian faith is to be a moving experience! — Erwin McManus

He makes my point, and says it so much better.

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The Enemy Within… It’s Not Who You Think

I’m taking my lunch break and thought I’d surf the net while I ate (I often bring my laptop in with me). I came across this while visiting another blog I read pretty regularly.

THE ENEMY WITHIN: Saving America From the Liberal Assault on Our Schools, Faith and Military, by Michael Savage

PREFACE
Who is the Enemy Within?
Are there names to be named? Yes.
There are enough names to fill this entire book. Perhaps we should put our own names in this book. Why do I say that? Because most of us have failed our own democratic system by not being vigilant. Most of us have looked the other way while our borders, language, and culture have been diluted.
There is also an ideological divide as to an “enemies list.” Both Left and Right have created operatives who are enemies of our own way of life; enemies of firm borders, English as a national language, and a common cultural glue. The question really becomes whom do you fear most? The vast “right-wing conspiracy” or the vast “left-wing conspiracy”?
Analyzing both sides of this equation, you will come to see the right-wing supports God, country, family, the military, and has far higher moral standards than the Left. The Left operates specifically to undermine God, country, family, and the military. They use the courts to undermine the popular will. What they cannot gain through the ballot box they gain through the gavel. In California we recently saw how the ACLU with three leftist judges tried to stop an election to recall a failed, corrupt governor.
Analyzing recent Supreme Court decisions on sodomy and affirmative action, you will see the vast left-wing conspiracy as its worst, legitimizing the use of race as opposed to achievement and destabilizing family values. Left-wing operatives have come very far in their plans.
It is clear to me if God could vote, He would be a member of the vast right-wing conspiracy. In fact, to the mad dog leftists in the ACLU, The National Lawyers Guild, and the Democratic party, God is the enemy.

Oh. My. God.

What kind of moron would ever, and I mean eh-ver, dare to declare that he has any notion whatsoever how God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, Great God Most High would vote?!?!?!?

As if HE would even bother with a vote. He doesn’t add His voice to the din, He acts. And as He says Himself, “When I act, who can reverse it?” (Isa. 43:13)

I would dare say, hope to say!, that no one I know would ever make such an arrogant presumption.

However, this brings up something has greatly disturbed me for quite a while. A trap I believe the American/Western Church fell prey to, and now inhabits as if it were our home.

It isn’t. And it angers me every time I think of it. I don’t have enough time at the moment to delve as deeply as I want to — especially with my emotions all stirred up again after reading this! But I need to say this:

To The American Church — regardless of denomination:

While I hold in the highest regard our ability to speak our minds, vote our consciences, and live according to our beliefs in our nation, I am convinced we have confused voting our consciences with advancing the Kingdom of God.

We, as followers of Christ, are charged with being agents of change. Change not of the political or ideological landscape, but of the spiritual landscape. There is a difference.

One impacts only the laws, courts and systems of our nation.

The other impacts the hearts, minds and souls of every person walking this planet.

It is not our job to ensure that no gay marriages are recognized by the courts or governments or institutions of this country.

It is our command to love every single person we come in contact with in our lives. To care for them as if they were our own flesh and blood. To watch over them, feed and clothe them, educate them… In short, to “provide for their general welfare,” as our Constitution states.

We’ve been charged by Jesus Himself to make disciples. Tell me, would you become a disciple of someone who voted your rights away, or would you become a disciple of one who loved you faithfully and stood beside you in the storms of your life?

You say, “but this country is a mess! The institutions of marriage and family teeters on the brink of a dark cliff. Violence not only fills our streets, but our homes through television, video games and music. Schools teach about evolution and how to use a condom, but refuse prayer and creationism. Liberalism is encroaching at every point of our society and threatens to take over every aspect of our lives, including our churches! What else are we to do but fight back with whatever weapons we have.”

I say, you are right. This country is a mess. But you place the blame on the wrong shoulders. You claim that the liberals have done this, that we are not responsible for the mess our country is in.

I say, you are wrong. WE ARE. WE are responsible.

We walked away from our charge as followers of Christ to make disciples.

We locked ourselves away in our churches and our small communities, created “safe havens”, Christian music, Christian bookstores, Christian magazines, Christian television, Christian schools… even Christian electricians and mechanics… blah, blah, blah ad nuseum.

We walked away from our responsibility to our artists and artisans, by turning our back and shunning Hollywood and all it’s “evils”. And now we seek to “reclaim it” with the same ignorance and arrogance in which we shunned it.

We abandoned the world because we bought into the lie that to be “in” the world but not of it meant that we only passed through it on our way from one Christian safe haven to another. Is it any wonder we live in fear that our “family friendly” cocoon’s will be stripped away by “the world” outside.

And now we’ve declared war on the very culture that’s grown out of our wanton negligence. Instead of entering into it and discovering avenues to build bridges and breech the gaps our absence created so we may share the love of Christ with them, we look for laws we can impose and leaders we can appoint so we may gain control over that which we fear.

We have become like the Pharisees in Jesus’ day. We market our goods in the church and sell ourselves to the world. We think that by gaining power and authority, we will gain respect and influence.

We are fools.

All we have done, all that we dare to do in the name of Jesus, will be lost if we don’t turn back now.

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Truth & Love

Not much time to post this week. It’s the week before the presidential elections (for those of you living in a cave…) and the organization I’m temping for is very actively involved in the process —- and I work in the Public Relations department –read, dealing with the press — which means things are cranked up a bunch of notches. 🙂 It’s fun. I’m likin’ it — a lot! — but it’s also very crazy-busy.

But I have to tell you what happened tonight.

In my friend Wendy’s blog, we’ve been having a great discussion on what it really means to "speak the truth in love" (Eph 4:15 — "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ."). It’s a really interesting conversation. I encourage you to check it out… but a quick warning too. If you think my posts are long, watch out for Wendy! She’s a woman after my own heart… and fingers… 🙂

I won’t go into the whole discussion except to say that I’ve had people in my life use that verse as an excuse to "confront" me "in love" about things they perceived as "sin" in my life. Sadly, I myself have been guilty of using that verse for the same purposes.

As I’ve walked through the last year… and especially the last few months, one thing that God keeps driving home to me is to be honest with others about who I am, where I’m at and what’s going on inside me. And as I read through various passages on speaking truthfully, God drove that point home time and again. Live truthfully. Be honest with others about myself. If something bugs me or frustrates me, just be honest, without trying to find some Biblical principle that is being violated as a means of justifying my point of view. Why can’t I just say, that just bugs me, please don’t do that around me.  …???? Why do I feel such a need to play Holier-Than-Thou??

Then Sunday night arrived. John changed things up and surprised us with an "adventure" that was meant to make us uncomfortable — and hopefully shove most of us out of our comfort zones.

It worked. I was frustrated, to the point of anger and nearly in tears. I wanted to just go hang out at the park, eat food and listen, like we’d been doing for a couple of months now. Instead, I found myself in a car with Lindsey, on my way to Borders to "meet at least one, and as many as three, people". To what end, I wondered? For what purpose?? It’s one thing to plan an evangelistic event, another to plan a cultural learning event… but this felt like neither… and I was lost. Without a task, I just don’t quite know what to do with myself. A task gives me a purpose for doing… whatever it is I’m doing. I didn’t completely know that about myself until Sunday.

And besides, I talk to people all the time. Every place I go, I end up in conversations… I can’t decide if it’s my mom’s influence on me, or dad’s for that matter, my cultural learning training from my numerous times overseas that kicks in, or just God’s imprint on my life… but I just can’t help myself but chat with whomever is serving me at Starbucks, the checker at the store, the people around me as I shop… even people I pass on the street. So, what the heck?!?! Why was John forcing me to go out and do something I already do, and talking as if it’s something new. Ugh!

But God kept whispering to me that perhaps my attitude wasn’t as warranted as I thought… perhaps He wanted to do something… perhaps Lindsey needed this exercise… perhaps… perhaps…

I couldn’t help myself… the first person we decided to engage, I was into it and getting to know him before I even realized what I was doing. The next person I thought I’d hang back, see if Lindsey engaged… She tried, but floundered. I jumped in and off we went into really interesting stuff about Sharon… cool woman. I could relate to her and honestly, I think I fell a little in love with her (a little in love… is there such a thing as a little in love????). Third person same song. I saw patterns and themes emerging. My heart expanded, and filled with both the excitement and pain of new love.

Dang it! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a lousy time so I could feel justified in my frustration. It just added to my overall frustration over the evening.

We met back at Fido for dinner and some talk. Events conspired against us. The normally dead-on-Sunday-evening Fido was bustling with activity. It was hard to hear. The food was too expensive and I had no cash. A headache developed from not eating. My frustration returned.

And didn’t abate throughout the week. I prayed. But every prayer turned into another rant. I wanted to talk to John. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got… I don’t even know fully why…. I felt left out. I felt unknown. I felt misunderstood. I felt under-utilized — no, I felt not utilized at all. Feeling cascaded over feeling, dropping down in a crazy waterfall of emotions. What the heck was going on??? Can I just chalk it up to PMS and be done with it??? Nope.  That didn’t work either. I built argument upon argument in my mind of what "Biblical principles" were not being followed and how my needs weren’t being met because of it… and I was gonna "speak the truth in love", doggonit.

Then tonight arrived. The appointed time (every other Wednesday evening) for our "Convivium" (I have no idea if I’m spelling that right), our team meeting, And I had a spiritual epiphany. I discovered what speaking truthfully and speaking that truth in love really looks like. And how much it can accomplish. And how amazingly liberating it is.

First, let me say I’d circled the neighborhood for a half hour because I was early and I just wasn’t ready to go in… something was burdening my heart and I needed time to get to the root of its cause. I realized the cause was that I missed God. My spirit was ravenously hungry for Him. This discovery was quite on accident. I’d popped in a cd Ron and Leticia recorded for me and the songs took me straight to God’s throne, like the aroma of fresh hot popcorn compels you to find the source. I sat in a nearby parking lot, listening, singing, just being alone with God. Finally, He nudged me to go… I was late now.

Perhaps that time helped me release some frustration… Perhaps what I really needed was to connect with the heart of God, instead of running from it… perhaps it was the fact that during our team meeting we just spent time really getting real and opening up to each other, for the first time, really. I don’t know… But whatever it was, I felt free enough to bring up my frustration over Sunday’s adventure in a way I’d not even considered doing, and hadn’t done in a long time. Instead of pulling out my Bible and using it as a weapon, I was just honest about my experience and my personal frustration.

It opened up doors to a full-on conversation where I learned a lot, gained a different perspective, understood the situation better and came to trust John and his leadership more, and respect him more deeply as well.

I’m still in awe over the whole experience. I wish I could say I had something to do with all this. But I know I didn’t. I had no intention of approaching the subject that way — if I approached it all. God did it. He did it all. All I did was take an opportunity that presented itself, took a deep breath and opened my mouth. God did the rest. The words, the attitude, the tone of voice… the honesty… none of it was what I’d planned or rehearsed in my head.

There are times in my life where I feel like I just received a kiss on the cheek from God. Tonight is one of those moments.

What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.
    Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry–but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life….
       Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. — Ephesians 4:25-26, 29 (The Message)

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Square Peg, Round Hole

I don’t fit in here. I don’t know where I do fit. I wish I did.

Last night we had our second “Gathering” in Centenial Park. Most of the team was there… minus the Shanklin’s, who’ve gone back to Indiana to pack, Tim who’s in Indiana working on a plan to come back — and Jared and Noni, whom I’m hoping and praying real hard will come out. So, okay, not everyone was there. But most of us were. And we had two other girls and two new guys.

I tried to fit in, I really did. But I’m not in college, like the girls and one of the guys, or working with college kids, like Mike and his roommates. I’m not an artist, or in any form “artsy” like Brian, Josh, Tim, Jared, Noni and Jamie. Nor am I a mom, like Dawn and Elizabeth. And I’m certianly not the extrovert people magnet Jamie is. Where do I fit? Where do I find people like me here in Nashville? Older, single, no kids, with a career goal of following Jesus no matter the cost…?

I cried most of the way home. I miss my life group in LA. I miss Cassie, and her enveloping hugs. I miss Debbie, and the depth of her spirit. I miss Wendy and the depth of her love. Her heart is such rich soil! I miss Kat. I just miss all of Kat! 🙂 I miss Ron and Leticia… and… just getting lost in Mosaic. In the worship, in the atmosphere… I miss being anonymous in my comfort zone. I can be anonymous here, but it just ain’t anywhere near my comfort zone — and if you’ve ever been to a “southern” church and also to Mosaic, you understand what I mean!

Here there’s no where to hide. Not in Mosaic, anyway. But yet, even though I stand in the light exposed, I can’t find the little hole labeled “Lu’s hole”. I’m too square to fit in the round artsy holes where the rest of the team resides, and too round to fit in the square holes where the churches here all reside.

I feel like I’m back in high school, sitting on the theatre steps, wishing I was either cool enough to fit in with the hip crowd, or funky enough to fit in with actors and other artists, rather than sitting there alone in all my weirdness eating my pb&j….

No matter how far we get from graduation, we always end up back at the lunch tables. Weird.