Category Archives: Mission

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The Meaning of Life

When they had eaten, Jesus said to Simon Peter, Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these [others do–with reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion, as one loves the Father]? He said to Him, Yes, Lord, You know that I love You [that I have deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. He said to him, Feed My lambs.

Again He said to him the second time, Simon, son of John, do you love Me [with reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion, as one loves the Father]? He said to Him, Yes, Lord, You know that I love You [that I have a deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. He said to him, Shepherd (tend) My sheep.

He said to him the third time, Simon, son of John, do you love Me [with a deep, instinctive, personal affection for Me, as for a close friend]? Peter was grieved (was saddened and hurt) that He should ask him the third time, Do you love Me? And he said to Him, Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You [that I have a deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. Jesus said to him, Feed My sheep.

I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, when you were young you girded yourself [put on your own belt or girdle] and you walked about wherever you pleased to go. But when you grow old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will put a girdle around you and carry you where you do not wish to go.

He said this to indicate by what kind of death Peter would glorify God. And after this, He said to him, Follow Me!

……Jesus said to him, If I want him to stay (survive, live) until I come, what is that to you? [What concern is it of yours?] You follow Me! — John 21:15-22 (Amplified Bible)

We use one word to describe so many emotions. How inadequate the English language is!

Throughout my many years in church I’ve heard a lot of sermons on this passage, and much speculation on why Jesus asked Peter this question 3 times. However, it wasn’t until two years ago that someone finally showed me the subtle but distinct difference in the meaning of Jesus’ love-word and Peter’s love-word (and then this week I found out that Adria learned this in her Greek Bible class at Taylor U. That just stinks…. why isn’t anyone really TALKING about this?)

I was in a Beth Moore Bible study while in Cyprus. We were going through her study called Breaking Free. Beth came to this passage and pointed out the two different, distinct words used and I was thunderstruck. I’ve been listening to internet broadcasts of this series the past couple of weeks and last Monday’s lesson retraced my steps through this passage again.

Jesus uses a word, agapao, which means a high esteem, respect, reverent kind of love. It the same word Jesus uses in Mark 12:30-31. This word also indicates a direction of the will. The idea here is that its a choice we make; being determined to so.

Peter, on the other hand, keeps using the word, phileo, which is a brotherly kind of love.

Finally, on his last "do you love me?" Jesus switches to Peter’s word, saying, "Okay, Peter, do you phileo me?" And Peter says, "you know I do…."

The point of this banter wasn’t, as some preachers have said, to give Peter a chance to cancel his three denials of Jesus. The point was for Peter, and us, to catch the truth that phileo love just isn’t enough to keep us followers of Jesus from crashing and burning out as we serve others.

Yes Jesus said, "feed my sheep". But he goes on to say, "follow me.’ In other words, "make a conscious choice to agapao Me. Esteem Me, respect Me, trust Me with everything you’ve got. Because that’s the only way you’re gonna be able to handle all that is to come without burning out and giving up on Me."

It’s amazing to me how badly I get it wrong often times. Even now that I get the meaning of the love-words, and the whole exchange, I still often revert back to old teaching and erroneous thought patterns, believing that it’s all about me, all on me to love and thus get myself through things through sheer determination of will.

My experience with God, however, is so vastly different. And proves beyond doubt, when I think about it, just how big a liar the enemy is and how often I fall prey to those lies.

I think the thing that impacted me most though, was a realization that this is what life is all about. Yes, I’m called to serve and give my life away for others. But…. if I don’t agapao Jesus; if I don’t highly esteem Him, revere Him and make a determined choice to love Him, to want what’s in His best interest; if I just love Him like a brother, if He’s just my pal and a dear close, close friend, or if He’s just a family member, just the Father I obey because I’m too afraid not to; if I do not highly regard and prize Him as a grand treasure, then I will not survive this thing we call "Christianity". I may continue to serve, and lead, and even be held up as an example. But my heart and spirit will languish in the fires of religious burn-out.

I’m getting through this hell on earth called mourning and grief and loss each day because I so love Jesus. I soooo love Him! He cradles me in His arms, dances with me, cries with me, yells with me, fights with me, walks with me, picks me up when I fall, holds me firm when I can’t stand, carries me when I can’t get up, shelters me in His robe when the rain lashes us, covers me as the lightning flashs and thunder roars, helps me to cut loose and laugh at how drenched we are when the storm passes, sings me to sleep, wakes me with sunrises, watches the fireflies dance with me…..

There isn’t anything He doesn’t do with me, or for me. He doesn’t have to say anything and I know by His presence, His touch, His creation that He loves me. He’s proven He will not leave me, yet never tires of gently saying He won’t when I get scared and beg Him not to go. He doesn’t get offended when I get angry and doesn’t just give in to my demands. He fights with me, proving His love through His willingness and strength to stand toe-to-toe with me, not withdrawing and not bullying, but arguing His case and standing firm and resolute in Himself.

I DO highly esteem Him. I DO hold Him in the highest regard. I DO make a choice to love Him — I’ve had many opportunities to walk away, to give up on this thing He calls Abundant Life, which hasn’t much felt abundant or Life-like these last few years. But I can’t leave Him. My heart would break and my life would be nothing. HE is the thing that breathes Life into me. Without Him, there’s just no point.

And this is what I was referring to earlier. The enemy so often lies to me that I must be the one to get myself through things, I must bear the burden of agapao love alone, that what this whole exchange between Jesus and Peter is really Jesus telling Peter, "buck up, bud. You gotta carry this cross thing all the way. If you love me, work hard and follow hard, ’cause I ain’t gonna do anything for ya. It’s all on you."

What a crock!

Now…. now I’m learning that this agapao; this thing we call Love — True Love — this is my purpose. This is the reason I was created, the thing I was made to do! That, in doing this, in agapao-ing God, I live out my purpose. Can you believe that?? How simple! And I keep trying to make this purpose thing so complicated…. Here I thought, and always believed, that I was created to do things high and lofty. But it turns out, it seems, that I was just made to Love. Just to be Loved and to Love in return. Love the way God loves. To agapao. — I’ve spent the last two years seeking my purpose, and as it turns out, perhaps I have been fulfilling my purpose all along. Who knew?

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than
these." — Mark 12: 30-31

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Love Is The Context For All Mission

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. — Romans 13:8-10

Alex asked an interesting question and got a multitude of answers. As we dialogued tonight at Convivium about a pending "marriage" between our Mosaic community and another Mosaic community here in Nashville, this topic came back to my mind. We have made "Love is the context for all mission" our first core value. Because without it, the mission is empty. Here’s my answer to his question, "what motivates ‘leading people to Jesus?’ He’s been following our conversation about posting threads and wondered about the motivation behind that as well…. what do you think? why do you do what you do? why must we?"

I must because of Love. Because God loves me so passionately and madly. Because I love Him so passionately. Because He loves the world so passionately and madly. Because He daily pours His love over me, drenching me. Because He pours His love INTO me until I’m flooding the whole of creation around me with it. He opens my eyes to the world around me. I took that pill and saw the Matrix — I now know the Truth and the lies. And each day He shows me something new; I see the world through His eyes and fall madly, passionately in love with all humanity through His heart. How can I not? How can I not love them? How can I not fall to my knees in agony with them in the darkness? How can I not fiercely fight the enemy who’s tearing them apart? How can I not tell them the Truth of who they are, who they were made to be? I must because He is Love and to know Him is to Love.

To me, this sums up our first core value. God loves. God Loves. With a passion and a depth we cannot fathom. His love is endless. Nothing, NOTHING we do will ever make Him love us less — even if we spit on Him and speak of Him in hateful cursing.

He loves. And the more intimately I walk with Him, the more I love. I love Him more. And I love the things He loves more. The more intimately I walk with Him the deeper my love grows, the more capacity I have to love more, and love deeper, and love more passionately.

Love is what motivated God to create us. Love is what motivated Jesus to die on a cross, fight death and rise three days later to redeem us. Love is what motivates the Holy Spirit to convict and prod and teach and counsel and comfort. God, in all His trinity, is motivated by love. He pours His love into me — and I am motivated by love. I am moved by love into action for those whom He loves—through me.

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Morning Meditation

"Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart…

we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." — 2 Cor 4:1,7-11,16-18

An email conversation taking place between some of my Mosaic teammates got my spirit chewing on things this morning, after I worked out at the Y (Yippeee!! Lu is finally learning how to get up in the morning and EXERCISE! I’m still not a morning person, but, hey, I’m still awake and thinking 7 hours after I arose. 🙂 Not a bad start to the new routine. PRAY that I can keep it up.)

I also read the Purpose Driven devotional email and saw a verse from this passage. Things began to click as my mind finally began waking up (a good hot shower always helps the mind-fog to clear).

How many times have I heard in my Christian life that, while suffering is a part of life in Christ, "joy comes in the morning." That is, the pain of suffering will vanish with the light of Jesus upon our souls — or something equally churchy, ethereal,enigmatic, and completely impracticable.

The reality of a follower of Christ just isn’t so pretty a picture. John the Baptist was left in prison to lose his head while Jesus healed and freed OTHERS. Peter died for Christ, Paul went through a litany of crap, John was banished to an uninhabited island, unnamed and countless other followers of Christ have been tortured and killed in our time, in places like Morocco, Libya, India, Indonesia and China.

All of us on my team are struggling and fighting and waging bloody dirty war every single day. Financial difficulties keep us all severely strapped for funds, unmet expectations and unrealized dreams taunt us and dog our every step, workplace strife and stress rips at our spirits and the hard, cold spiritual ground of Nashville leaves us with calluses on our souls as we till the land God has called us to.

I love reading the email of one teammate. He was so excited when we first began. Now he is feeling the beatings of the life of a Barbarian and is struggling to continue to seize every moment of this life to which Jesus called him. It’s such a beautiful sight to see!

Call me weird if you want, but I much prefer to see the struggle; to see followers of Christ contending with life, sometimes overcoming and sometimes being overcome by it, than to see an always victorious shiny person. Another friend is in the throes of wrestling with God over some issues in his life. I love that.

I don’t think you heard me yet. I LOVE THAT.

That’s real life. That’s the kind of life I want to live, the kind of life I want to journey alongside, the kind of community I want to be apart of. I belong in that kind of group. I’m probably the messiest follower of Christ you will ever meet. My life, my heart, my soul, my spirit. Every part of me is messy, muddy, bloody, gritty — and real. I’m not Janice Dickinson — nothing about me is fake and I’m absolutely not perfect. If you don’t like gritty, bloody reality, you better steer clear of me. ‘Cause I’m all about that kind of life. I’ve had my fill of the fluffy, no-complications kind of life most churches try to sell these days.

It is such a cool and amazing thing to be a part of a community where we all sweat and get dirty and bloody together. To watch my brothers contending with life is such an amazing blessing! It brings healing to my soul and courage to my heart. I am literally EN-couraged — filled to overflowing with courage — when I witness such things. Because it says to me, "there is hope for me yet."

There is hope that I can continue the Barbarian path I am on. There is hope that I can contend with life as they do. There is hope that our community will be real and authentic; a true community where hearts are bonded by the gritty reality of following Christ no matter the cost.

Fight on, my brothers! Your struggles buoy my spirit. Your untamed hearts give me courage to unleash my own. And your steadfast love for Christ spurs me on to greater levels of intimacy with Him.

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Note to self

Don’t listen to Tony Nolan cds for 5 hours straight and then expect to be able to just fall into bed and into blissful sleep. Too much information, too many things to think about, too many ideas and passions get stirred up by each talk Tony gives. My brain just won’t shut off and my heart won’t shut up.

Dang… Insomnia wins this night. Uh, make that "morning."

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Eye-Witness

Tony Nolan is a new friend. Friday night he spoke at a Youth Evangelism Conference at MTSU. We’d spoken over the phone, and I’d read his testimony and checked out his website, but this was the first time I’ve heard him speak.

I have to admit, I was a little nervous about what I was going to hear. I had some preconceived notions going into it, based on what I’d read, and wasn’t sure if I was going to connect with his message.

Tony blew my mind. First, he’s such a dynamic speaker. He’s like

Erwin on speed.  Well, really more like Alex on speed (Erwin on speed would be very scary). He bounces around the stage and yells and carries on. He’s got the energy and child-like mind to connect with and entertain the minds of teenagers and students. But he also has the passion necessary to captivate their hearts and awaken their souls.

I think, however, it’s his desperate love for people that makes his message so relevant and compelling.

See, Tony’s one of those…. um, how do I put this delicately??… What I usually call "hellfire and salvation" kind of speakers. At least that’s the first impression I got. That doesn’t really sell with me. I’ve never been all that attracted to Gospel presentations that focused on people going to hell and their need for salvation. I think that’s why I so connect with Erwin’s sermons. He always focused on the Life-giving aspects of the Gospel, how people could live abundant lives

today rather than how they could get to heaven in the by-and-by. People want Life today. They want to know how to get through the stuff right here, right now. And I’ve never heard a speaker or preacher effectively communicate the Life-giving Good News of Jesus through a hellfire-salvation sermon.

Until Tony.

He told a story of a young man he once knew. The details are sketchy — perhaps when I get them later I’ll fill them in here — but this dynamic young man was involved in a horrific chemical fire. He was burned so badly that his whole body was black and charred. In short, he was the crispy in search of the creme… yeah, bad pun. Where’s Larry when you need him?… No one at the hospital would wrap the poor kid’s fingers, for example, because they were afraid if they touched them his fingers would just crumble. Tony’s friend, a pastor, went to visit this kid, and the just the sight of him was so bad the pastor wanted to leave the room as soon as he came in. He said it was so painful to see this young man so horribly disfigured and in such obvious excruciating pain that he just wanted to run from the room. The kid would just shake and jerk, from the screams of every nerve in his body.

As Tony went on to describe how the intense heat of the fire had ravaged the young man’s body, my mind spun with images more grotesque than any I’ve seen in the worst horror films. The room, a basketball stadium seating well over 10,000 teenagers and a smattering of adults was silent except for the sounds of people shifting uncomfortably in their chairs. I found I couldn’t even look at Tony, or rather, at his gi-normously large image on one of the two giant screens over his head. — Why is it that we are always drawn to an image projected on a screen even when the speaker is standing right in front of us in live, person-to-person living color???

I looked back at Tony, however, as he described how this young man tried desperately to speak to his pastor-visitor-friend. The pastor had to draw very close to hear the young man’s words.

"Kill me! Kill me! Kill ME!!" Tony’s voice was a whisper. The air was filled with tension. It was as if the entire auditorium had leaned in to catch Tony’s words and were at once repulsed and grieved by what they heard.

My heart broke. I could hear the young man’s voice echo my own. I would ask for the same. It seemed to me an unholy thing for this young man to suffer so. Why did God allow it to happen?

Tony turned his attention from the story to a passage of Scripture. He read about a lake of fire that all those who were not followers of Christ would be thrown into.

His voice broke as he addressed the students, "I hate this part. Please hear me! I hate telling you this. I hate it! I don’t want to say this, I wish it weren’t true, but the love of Christ compels me…." Tony cried as he broke the news to everyone in the room who had not yet made a commitment to follow Christ. "You will be thrown into a lake of fire. Where you will burn, but never, ever taste the sweet release of death." He continued to cry, his voice a hoarse whisper as he fought back tears. "You will cry, ‘Kill me! Kill me! Kill ME!’ and never receive an answer. For all eternity."

The room was silent. I don’t even think people were shifting in their seats anymore.

As Tony moved toward the conclusion of his talk, I looked down at some students sitting in on the main floor of the gym. Two kids had caught my eye earlier, during worship, as they hung on each other and sang. I don’t know why, but I’d whispered a quick prayer that this weekend would be more than just a love-fest weekend for their teen romance. As I looked at them during Tony’s soon-to-finish talk, the girl — a stunningly beautiful Filipino — caught my attention, and my heart. Everything about her screamed, "Don’t mess with me" from her downplayed hip-hop white low-rise boot-cut cords,
to the gel bracelets all the way up her arms. She sat slouched back in her chair, legs stretched out in front of her, arms crossed and a look of defiance on her face. She was daring anyone to just try to mess with her. That’s when I noticed her black eye. It was healing, but I’m sure a couple of days before it was a real beaut.

My heart broke for her. And even before Tony led us in a time of prayer, I was crying out to God to just wrap her in His arms and love on her the way He’s loved on me so passionately over the last few years. I told Him to give her whatever she needed, to just lavish her with His love in a way that she’s never experienced before and to keep doing so forever. I begged Him to hold the enemy at bay, to not allow him even the slightest chance to keep her from experiencing the fullness of His love in this moment.

After Tony prayed, he asked all those who had made a commitment to follow Christ to stand. They got a few moments to summon the courage to declare themselves followers while Tony talked about the importance of making our relationships with Jesus public and the pull of the enemy to keep the relationship "private". When he asked them to stand…. the young girl I’d prayed so passionately for stood. No hesitation. No sheepishness. She was full-on. Standing strong, yet humble. Gone was the attitude. In its place I saw humble resolve.

How awesome is that! Tony loves to say, "Go God!" I’ve not used that phrase in ages. But I found myself practically shouting it when this young girl stood. Go! God! Who can compare? Who can match what You do?

Man, I love Him. He changes lives and takes what the world would say is a lost cause and transforms it into the most amazing work of art anyone has ever seen. And last Friday night He was kickin’ butt and takin’ names!

I wanted to talk with this girl afterwards, encourage her and celebrate with her. But I got distracted by others I was with and by the time I turned back toward her seat, she was gone. I guess it wasn’t meant to be… perhaps God only intended me to be a witness, not a participant, this time.

I went to MTSU to hear a new friend speak. What I got instead was a front-row seat to the birth of a New Creation in Christ. I got to witness a L.I.F.T, a heart transplant of epic proportions. Man, I am blessed.

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Passionate Love

I just got off the phone with  Nina, my sister — and one of my best friends — who adopted two kids out of the foster care system nearly 9 years ago. She called while I was at Mosaic, but didn’t leave a message. I called her as I was leaving and have been on the phone with her ever since — over two hours.

That’s not all that spectacular as conversation times go. We’ve been known to talk for over three hours on the phone before. Part of the deal for me on these calls is that I just don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to cut the connection — even when we’re not talking about earth-shattering deep things, at least I hear her voice. Hanging up cuts off that sound and leaves a huge void in its wake. It’s like those pangs of homesickness I’d get every time I left my parents’ home. My heart hurts.

Nina’s daughter, the second of two siblings she and Toby adopted, is not doing well. Nina is once again at the end of her rope. Frances has been through hell in her short 18 years on this earth. There are things buried so deep in her past — abuses of all sorts — that we only know they are there from her violent reactions to even the slightest touch. She was doing so well — she progressed through a program at a facility and was finally able to come home, for the first time in over three years. Not only that, but she actually wanted to come home, wanted to live with Nina and Toby, wanted to get her life straightened out, go to college, become more than she currently is.

She’s been home maybe two weeks and already has gone back to old behaviors, patterns of manipulation and out of control actions. It’s less than it was in the past, but severe enough to send Nina back into post traumatic stress overload. For you to fully comprehend and appreciate what Niina and Toby have been through and how traumatic this current turn of events is for them, would take longer than we have here. And besides, that’s Nina’s story to tell, whenever she’s ready.

The bottom line is that wounded people wound others, and the deeper the wounds on the former, the deeper they cut the latter. Frances’ wounds run too deep for us to fathom. She in-turn inflicts deep wounds that  cut to the core and leave Nina and Toby decimated.

Nina’s heart is huge. I mean HUGE. She loves with a passion that I can only dream of. She loves the unlovable. As a teen I just thought she had poor judgment in friends. But as an adult I see that God has gifted her with a tremendous capacity to love beyond all reason, a longing to nurture others and a passion to invest her life in bringing healing to those who are incredibly broken and needy. Even as we spoke of a need for her to set boundaries of acceptable treatment from Frances, Nina’s main and overriding concern was for Frances’ current and future well-being.

I know where Nina got this from. Our mom loved with a passion like this. But Nina’s passion mixes with a stubborn resolve she got from both parents — and a healthy dose of self-respect (which, unfortunately our mom often lacked) to create a most formidable Lover Of The Unlovable.

So many would have given up on Frances long ago. The false accusations of abuse, the verbal and physical assaults they’ve endured, the endless nights worrying, crying, praying, the pain of no one understanding what they were going through…. Nina and Toby have never surrendered. They love Frances passionately even now. Even in the midst of more-of-the-same painfully deep woundings.

Nina leaves a mark on everyone she touches in life. Her mark on my life is deep. She’s my older sister, so of course I never appreciated her growing up.

But I do now. I see now how blessed I am to know her, and even more so to call her my sister and my friend.

Please pray for her and Toby as they walk through this latest dark night of the soul.

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Into The Mystic

Alex McManus. Friend. Mentor. Pastor. I owe much to him. He’s saved my sanity on many occasions with his sound wisdom and gracious heart. Not to mention his wife is the best friend a woman could ever have! She is amazing and I miss her deeply.

Alex has his own blog now. Look out world! He recently posted:

what a momentous and opportune moment for the gospel this is. can we step into this epic battle between western culture and islamic culture with the gospel of the kingdom in such a way that the beauty of christ covers the earth as the waters cover the sea?

who cares about being postmodern? followers of jesus come from the future where every knee bows and every tongue confesses that jesus is lord to the glory of God. it is towards that future that we labor.

Sometimes I think we get too wrapped up in the wrappings of our message and forget that people don’t need the wrapping, they need what’s inside. They need restoration with the God who made them. They need someone to lead them to Jesus, to help them connect with Him. Will I step up to the plate and be that person? Or will I let them die of spiritual starvation?

Being new to Nashville has been hard in many respects. I’m so used to an already established sphere of friends and influence. Here I have none. I have to build it all over again. I’m also used to working in a very "secular", non-Christian environment, which provided built-in relationships with those who don’t know Christ. Here I’ve worked in nothing but Christian environments. Very, VERY strange place to be first of all. Very weird for me. And also left me void of those relationships with nonbelievers. I’m so not a socialite, so I prefer to make most of my friends at work — or church. That just ain’t workin’ here. But, ugh, do I hate the idea of going "social" to make new friends.

But if I don’t…. who will starve spiritually because I haven’t? There are people here who need the same kind of relationship with God that I have.  I know how they can get it. But if I don’t meet them, how can I tell them?

Is God the God of meeting people, of Divine intersections? Or am I the one who makes it happen? Where do I draw the line between "works" and "grace", between "the doing" and "the worshipping and being"?

People will always praise Mary in the story of Mary and Martha. But the truth is, in reality, they expect you to be Martha — and chastise those who aren’t. But what does God expect, really? Will He bring the relationships to me if I stay at His feet?

Oh, how I wish I knew.

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Heartsick

I’m heartsick. Absolutely heartsick. I just read Dawn’s latest post. My soul aches to its depths.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

"Mosaic Nashville’s core team met again last night…"

I read this at the beginning of a blog of one of the members of the core team…it made me lose interest in the rest of the message.

I’ll explain.  See, I wasn’t at that meeting.  Bryan wasn’t at that meeting.  In fact, neither of us even knew this meeting happened.  It seems strange to me, because I thought we were part of the core team.

Bryan and I left our core group of believers in Texas to follow a calling God placed in our hearts.  We were setting out on an adventure to reach people in Tennessee.  We were joining a group of others with the same vision and passion.  We were the FIRST ONES IN NASHVILLE!  And now we are not even included in the core team!

Dawn’s right. She has every right to be angry. I can give reasons why she and Brian weren’t there, but ultimately they’ll just sound like empty excuses.

I didn’t know they didn’t know about our Life In Christ meetings. I’d been told they knew. I guess I misunderstood.

Oh, my heart hurts!! I love Dawn. She’s been a good friend to me. I look forward to seeing her every Sunday. If I were to be totally honest, I’d say I rather cling to her and follow her around like a puppy, because she’s one of maybe three people in the group with which I feel totally comfortable being myself. It breaks my heart to know I hurt her!

And I know the pain she’s feeling. I know that feeling of being left out all too well. All too well. It’s happened too many times in my life to ever forget the sting of it, and the anger that rises from the depths of your heart, the feeling that you’d been played, lied to….  I would never intentionally inflict that pain on someone else. And yet, unintentionally, I have. Oh, Jesus, forgive me!

I hope Dawn will forgive me…. I will take every angry, hurtful word she wants to say — or yell, or scream — at me. I know it’s justified. I know where it comes from. I understand it. I just hope when its all spent she will forgive me. Forgive us.

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Structure, Spirit, Submission & Straight-Talk

Mosaic Nashville’s core team met again last night. The original plan was to go over core value # 3,  "Structure Must Submit To Spirit."

Instead, we sort of lived it out as a few details Josh needed to discuss with us took over the meeting and took us to a completely different conversational level, as well as direction… There’s so much to sort through, and some to tell, from last night. I might be writing about this for some time… then again, I might not write about it at all for a while, depending on how much settling occurs of the swirling cogitations going on in my head.

I will, in the meantime, however, share this little gem. Part of our conversation last night went like this:

Jesus: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? " (Mark 8:34-36)

Josh: I’ve always read this passage and thought, "that’s a sweet idea…. " (pause as Josh considers how to voice his thoughts)

Adria: That’s not sweet. That’s Jesus being a hard-ass.