Category Archives: Living The Dream

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Snow & Sun Roofs

Jesus loves me! It’s snowing!!

I loooove watching the snow fall. Especially this this kind. The light, soft, sometimes big, sometimes small flakes that just lazily make their way down from cloud to ground. Se peaceful and beautiful.

The flurries started while I was still in church and as I sat chatting with some of the tech guys, someone came in a told us it was snowing. I had planned to hang out some and check out all their various sound equipment and rooms, but once I heard about the snow, I decided to go outside and check it out. You never know how long snow will last around here, so ya gotta catch it while you can.

I called Nina on the way home, chattering excitedly about the snow, which was coming down a little faster by then. Once I got home, I realized it was much prettier outside, so I went for a long drive. Hunger was the only thing that was able to convince me I needed to go back home.

Now I’m sitting in my bedroom staring out the window, watching the snow fall and listening to music as loud as I can crank it on my headphones.

I had a dream early last week about snow. I dreamt that it started snowing, the delicate, dreamy flurries like we’re having now and I was so amazed and excited that I opened up the roof of my car (took the roof off, really) to better see it all. I knew other people around me had to think I was nuts to be driving around in a "topless" car in the snow. But I didn’t care. It was too beautiful to not experience it as fully as possible.

I thought about that dream again today as I drove around. I opened up my sunroof about 10 minutes into my drive and took every moment I could, at stop lights and stop signs — and occasionally stopping at dead end streets — to stare up at the sky and watch the snow flakes fall over me. I know there were some Nashville-ites who thought, "this crazy Californian is driving with her sunroof open! They really are nuts out there!"

Know what? I didn’t care. I was having the time of my life, cranking the 90s tunes to the max, dancing in the car, and enjoying the snow.

There are days when God just kisses you on the cheek. Today I got one… or two.

Thank you, Jesus! I love You, too.

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Percolating

I have thoughts simmering in my mind.

Like good Ethiopian coffee, they have to percolate till they’re just right. Then they’ll be ready for consumption. Often I don’t completely know what it is they are cooking up back there… I just know they are.

I know because I’m preoccupied… I’ll have these moments where the world will suddenly disappear and I’m staring at nothing while a thought will dominant my attention. Then it will fade back into the fringes of my mind again, to perk some more.

This sort of thing isn’t ideal when driving on an Interstate. Especially one as riddled with construction as I-40. One tends to come out of these stupors to find themselves nose-to-trailer-hitch with the back end of a semi. Not a fun place to be. But it does tend to wipe any residual sleepiness from the system (not to mention flushing a few other things out…).

Hopefully, some of these thoughts will be fully brewed soon. Then perhaps we can sit together and have a cup or two….

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N.O.W.: No Opportunity Wasted

Be careful what you ask for, my friends. Especially from God. He will answer.

I asked for the ability to dream again. I asked to be shown my purpose. These were things I asked God for 2005, my New Year wishes and hopes, if you will. I gave Him the whole year to answer. I know sometimes His answers can be complicated, complex, difficult to grasp all in one sitting.

God seems to live by the motto, "N.O.W.". No Opportunity Wasted. (I like this motto so much that I think I may adopt it as my own). Yesterday this motto was completely unknown to me. But today I can see it all throughout Scripture. It’s so contagious that it seems every true follower and seeker of His seems to have caught it. Paul did:

"I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." I Cor 9:22-23

Jonathan did too, and so did his armor bearer.

Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, "Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised fellows. Perhaps the LORD will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few."

"Do all that you have in mind," his armor-bearer said. "Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul." 1 Sam 14:5-7

Hebrews 11 is filled with examples of people who refused to waste an opportunity.

Erwin calls this "The Jonathan Factor". I have journal entries dating back to January 1996 that refer to his teachings on this idea, and my desire to live it out in my life. After this weekend, however, I think a more accurate nomen would be The God Factor. God, it seems, is determined to never miss an opportunity to answer my questions and help my wishes come true. At least when it comes to discovering why I’m here.

This morning I went to People’s Church and the pastor, Rick White, started a series on, you guessed it, living out your dreams and living as if today were your last day (are you seeing a theme emerge here??). And as if to punctuate His intention, God added His own personal giggle moment in the form of the special music for the morning: "Live Like You Were Dying".

….I’ll just leave it at that.

Early in the service Rick asked us to quickly jot down one dream we have, that if we could do anything we wanted, what would it be. Then he asked us to write down one thing we’d change if we knew that we only had one day left to live (gee, does any of this sound familiar?). Both questions caught me off guard. How the heck did this man know to speak to these issues right now??? I hardly had time to contemplate any of this before the answer to the dream question popped into my head. It came so fast and with such clarity my brain got whiplash.

I want to write. If I could have one dream come true, if I could do one thing in life, it would be to write. Books, magazine articles, poetry, fiction, non-fiction… you name it. Keeping this blog updated, if nothing else, has shown me how deep my love for writing goes. Writing my newsletters when I was overseas — and which I am grossly behind in doing right now — also taught me how much I love to write. Sometimes I agonize over every word, other times they just flow, effortlessly, and my fingers can’t type fast enough to keep up with the rush of thoughts surging from my mind and heart.

If I could do one thing with the rest of my life, it would be to write. Spending hours thinking, musing, contemplating and then committing it all to paper. And getting paid for it!! That would do my heart good!

Neil Clark Warren once said, "Don’t try to figure out what the world needs and then go out and do it. Find out what ignites you, what brings you to life, and then go do that."

Writing is one of the things that does that for me. There are several others, but I’ll leave those for later discussions.

Could it be that this is the purpose God made me for? I don’t have any idea, but at least I’ve rediscovered one of my dreams! That in itself is no small miracle.

The second question, what one thing would I change if I knew I only had one day left to live… that one took longer to come to me. It wasn’t until later in the afternoon, after I’d spent a couple of hours wandering WalMart and was on my way home, sun shining down through the open sunroof, Mercy Me cd blaring through my speakers, that I thought of the thing I would change.

I would spend the rest of my time alive pouring love on my family. So often I have neglected them in favor of relationships with friends, or ministry opportunities. My relationship with Nina and Toby has become one of the most precious things to me since mom and dad died. And I realized today how much time I spent looking for love and "belonging" and "family" from friends rather than from her. If I knew I only had one day left to live, I would spend it with Nina. Pouring into her all the love and grace and Life God has poured into me.

I realize that’s not the acceptable Christian answer these days. You’re supposed to say that you would spend the rest of your time, that one day, pouring into those who don’t know Jesus, those who don’t yet have a relationship with Him, especially those who’ve never heard of Him — like those in far away places. That’s what we were created for, ultimately, right? Bringing glory to God and bringing new people into the Kingdom? So why is it, then, that those things are not my heart’s desire for my last days on earth? Does this make me a "bad" Christian?

A few days ago I got word that our team leader was stepping down due to some family issues. This afternoon I learned more about the situation; a marriage in trouble, a wife feeling second or even third place to ministry, a husband focused on serving God not realizing his zeal left his wife feeling neglected.

While going through the candidate process with the IMB, we were told that family resistance is the number one reason many people end up not going overseas, and one of the biggest struggles families on the field have. Yet at the same time, family are the ones most often neglected by those of us in ministry. Our hearts are in the right place, but perhaps our bodies aren’t. Where is the balance?

Have we gotten so ministry-focused, so evangelism-happy, that we have lost sight of God’s priorities for our lives? Are we using Jesus’ words when he said, “Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters–yes, even one’s own self!-can’t be my disciple." (Luke 14:26) as an excuse to ignore our families, to put them last on our priority list?

Where is the line? Especially for a single woman like me? It would be easy to draw if I were married — the line of priorities starts with my husband. But where do I draw it when I don’t have one?

I have no answers to my questions. Just as I have no answers as to how I will accomplish my writing dream, or whether that’s the purpose God created me for…. That seems to be the way of God. Understanding Him and His ways is like trying to understand the whole of the cosmos. Every answer leads to more questions.

No Opportunity Wasted. I felt proud today to know John. He didn’t waste the opportunity to put his wife and family before ministry.

No Opportunity Wasted. — to pour out love on others, to give grace, to enjoy life to its fullest. Teach me, Lord, how to suck the marrow out of Life every single day.

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith. Gal 6:9-10 – The Message

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Dreaming of Dead People

I wrote this yesterday…. I thought I hit "Publish" but I hit "Save as Draft" instead. Proof that my brains are full of cotton and snot right now….

December 29, 2004 — 12:30pm
I’m about to go out of my mind. I can’t think straight to save my life (how I think this entry will make sense to anyone is beyond me), my nose, which finally quite running about an hour ago, is so painful to the touch it makes me cry — which doesn’t help with the runny-ness — my throat feels like I just screamed my heart out at a Panthers game for 10 hours straight (if only!), my head is so full of cotton and snot that I can’t hear myself think — forget hearing other people talk! — my chest feels like a huge elephant has taken up residence on it and I’m so tired I’m about to do a face-plant into my keyboard even as I type (wouldn’t that be attractive — the president of the organization comes in to ask me a question and I’ve got the imprint of the F5 through F8 keys on my forehead).

I want to go home so bad I can hardly stand it. But I’m the only one on our team in the office this week, and given that my hours are getting cut back to next to nothing next week, I gotta get all I can into this week. Thank God the office is closed Friday. I have a genuine excuse to lay around the apartment all day in my pjs, doing my best death-groan and generally being as anti-social as I currently feel, but cannot express.

I miss my old life in LA very badly right now. As I hauled my lead-filled body around the apartment this morning getting ready for work, I had a potent flash of the Paramount lot — green grass, beautiful park-like settings, rows of huge airplane-hanger studios, makeup trailers and goodie carts everywhere. Oh, how I miss the campus feel of a studio lot!! Whatever you need is right at your fingertips. No need to drive anywhere. Need a dry cleaner? Over by the mailroom. Bagels and cream cheese? The cart in front of the Bluhdorn. Stocking stuffers? Go to the company store. Magazines? Snack? Smoothie? Kiosk. Hair salon? Yep, got that too.

Even the quiet after-Christmas-pre-New-Year dead-ness every studio has during this time of year would be a welcome gift to me.

Security. Belonging. Safety. Friendship. Fun. That’s what a studio lot signifies in my heart. How I long for those things right now! Oh, to go back in time, to a magical period of Paramount employment surrounded by friends and safely ensconced in my entertainment life and Mosaic world…. It would be like falling into a feathery-soft, warm bed and drawing the fluffy comforter all the way up to your chin… Warm, inviting, comforting, enveloping. Peaceful.

Ugh, just writing that made me miss my bed all the more. Isn’t it time to go home yet????

I was so ready to get another producer’s assistant job and just settle into life in LA before God stirred me up for Nashville. All I want, all I’ve really wanted all year, was to nest for a while. To curl up in a warm home and rest my head on soft pillows, like I watched Nina’s dogs do this weekend. Yes, I want to live like a dog for awhile. Someone feed me, love on me and let me hang out at home while they go do all those silly busy things of life we all get caught up in.

God stirred up my heart — dreams awakened and stretched their limbs. Energy surged. For a while I felt rejuvenate and ready to re-enter the world. That energy carried me quite a while before the dreams faltered… faded… ran for cover…. —- what did happen to them???

December arrived, bringing with it the allure of a new year. New beginnings. Fresh starts. The promise of January always arouses hope in my heart — no matter how deep its buried. Each day I got more fired up. Ready to start new ventures, make fresh starts on "old" ones. Forget turning over those leaves, let’s just rake ’em up into a pile and jump in and play awhile.

I guess I developed a case of the holiday blues along with my cold. More accurately it’s the post-holiday blues. I did okay through the holidays, but now that they’re over, some of the shine seems to have worn off the reality of life. Something about those little white twinkle lights seems to soften all of life and put a warm glow over everything. Now that Christmas is over, and it’s time to take the buggers down, life seems to have lost some of it’s magic.

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Obstacles or Opportunities?

While sitting at the airport in Charlotte this morning I checked my work voicemail and found out they are cutting my hours again. It’s official now, I’m only a part-timer. 20 hours tops. Yikes!

I struggled most of the morning with a growing self-pity over the frustrating lack of employment opportunities I’ve found in Nashville. My bills already outweigh my income. And now, losing another 10-12 hours a week, that gap becomes even bigger. But if I leave this temp agency, I lose my medical benefits. What do I do???

Having a nasty cold didn’t help my disposition. Or my thought processes.

Over and over I cried out to God to help me, to keep me from sinking in a financial quicksand…. but that was all I could think to pray: "Jesus help me!" Once I was airborne, I popped in Rita Springer’s cd, blocked out the rest of the world and focused my mind completely on God. At last I was able to think more clearly.

As I talked with God about this developing situation, I remembered the things I’d been reading and learning from Failing Forward. Things like seeing obstacles and problems as opportunities rather than chains and walls is what separates people who get stuck from people who fail forward. As all these various thoughts settled into the front of my memory, I felt a calm and peace begin to settle over me. And a determination to plow through this season so I can see what’s on the other side.

In the hours since arriving back in Nashville that feeling has faded. Perhaps its this cotton-head I have in place of a brain and the painful bright red thing that’s replaced my nose, that’s stolen my peace. I’m tired and light-headed. All I want is to sleep for a week and wake up to a new year and a new job. Perhaps even a new life.

Yet even as I type I know I already have that. Every day is a new life for me. I know in my heart I don’t feel as down and dark about the future as I currently sound. It really is the cold talking more than me when I spew that stuff…

And at the same time I am fighting a battle for my mind. I’ve been a person who’s seen obstacles as often as I’ve seen opportunities. Especially in the workplace. Makes me wonder at times if I’ve  consistently pursued the wrong vocation…

There are times when I find failure and problems and obstacles exhilarating. When I’m mixing sound, or editing some text, or writing text, or when I get a sudden inspiration and want to know or understand something deeper,  obstacles, failures and problems are challenges I take on with passion and intensity. I love solving those kinds of problems! I’ll take those on even at 6am — no minor miracle for a night owl like me.

But turn me toward problems with finances, or finding a job, or basic administrative duties and I’m suddenly paralyzed with fear, doubt and dark thoughts.

In Failing Forward, John Maxwell tells stories of various people who failed numerous times before finally realizing their dreams. In one he talks about John James Audubon, the man the Audubon Society was named for. He diligently pursued business venture after venture, all of which failed, convinced his vocation was there, and hunting and art were just hobbies. It wasn’t until his family was destitute and needed the food his hunting could provide and the money his art brought it that he finally found success.

I’ve often wondered…. how do you know when the obstacles you encounter are signposts screaming that you’re going the wrong way, and when they are mountains you need to climb to get where you want to go? How do I know the difference between problems caused because I’m on the "wrong bus," as it were, on the wrong path, and problems that are "just the price I pay to achieve my goals" (as Maxwell defines failure)?

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Finding Neverland

A place grownups say doesn’t exist. A place some would say you can only go in your mind. A place children visit everyday. And laugh and play and live as children ought to be able to live.

No, not the ranch, God forbid I talk about children visiting there!!

I’m talking about the place James Barrie created in "Peter Pan".  Tonight Nina, Toby and I went to see Finding Neverland, a film inspired by the events surrounding the writing of the play. It’s an amazing story, a beautiful, sweet, filled with great performances, two-tissue movie.

I left contemplating Neverland, the possibility of its existence and what it really looks like. I wasn’t ever enthralled with the movie versions of Neverland, either animated or live-action. Perhaps that’s why I never bothered to read the book it came from. Now, however, I think I might like to. I’d like to see what kind of images the words conjure in my own mind. Would I see fairies and pirates and mer-people the way the movies make them look? Or would I see creatures far beyond the ability of artists to capture on celluloid.

I’m pretty convinced it’s the latter more than the former. Mom used to tell me all the time I have a very vivid and creative imagination. I’m not sure she always meant that as a compliment, but I always took it as one. 🙂  I don’t know how my imagination compares to others. I can’t crawl inside their heads and see…. but I do know I can imagine quite a bit, and always have. As a child, I lived more in my imagination than in the real world. I thought that I would outgrow that once I became a "grownup". I never did. Is that a bad thing??

I don’t visit Neverland like I used to. For many years I left my "adulthood" at the door and stepped into a world of magic and mystery. It’s amazing how adulthood can eventually steal you away from Neverland and keep you tied to the "real world". I was immune to that theft for most of my adult years, with only small bouts of adult-ness. Until last year. "Finding Neverland" points out that the death of someone you love, more than anything, can steal a person away from Neverland and leave them forever trapped in the Land of Adult. But it also brings up a question that has haunted me for ages: when does "believing" in magic and mystery become folly? When does imagination turn into pretense and/or denial of reality?

Can one live Neverland and in the real world? The movie would have us believe James Barrie did. He was Peter Pan, and also playwright J.M. Barrie… boy leader of Neverland’s lost boys and society’s man of the theatre…

But is it just more movie trickery, or can it really be done?

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Peace and Love

There are some days I’m in love with my life.

Today is one of those days.

I live in Nashville. I live in freakin’ Nashville, ya’ll!! How cool is that! I love this town! I love the weather outside. It feels like Christmas, like the way I want Christmas to feel. It’s my favorite kind of weather, ever… very overcast and cold, and been lightly raining on and off all day. The Christmas lights shine warmer and sweeter in this kind of atmosphere.

But most of what’s caused me to fall in love with my life — or remember how much there is to love — is a sense of finally getting to a place of normalcy… a place where I’m coming to grips with who I am right now, what I want and that I’m finally ready to start loving and taking care of me.

I’ve been hanging out at home all day. It’s nice not to have to be somewhere. Just kicking back in my comfort clothes and watching a marathon of "America’s Next Top Model". I know, you probably think this is all just a bunch of "reality" tv tripe. But actually, I’m really learning lots about myself as I watch these episodes back-to-back. I’m learning a lot about how my own insecurities about myself have affected my life and the things I’ve tried to accomplish. I’m also see how I’ve sabotaged myself at times through either those insecurities or through my own nasty habit of avoidance and passive tendencies.

I’ve also realized how much of a ham I am. 🙂 I’ve been posing with the models, from my little perch here on the couch. People often comment that I’m very photogenic and I’ve realized much more as I’ve watched how little of that has to do with my looks and how much of it has to do with my determination to allow my personality and that "sparkle" I have inside come out through my face, and especially my eyes. I have a tendency to sort of "pose" my insides on my face every time I see a camera — something Tyra Banks comments is very important for models to do, btw! I don’t know what it is I do… it’s not something I think of as much as it is an attitude I pull from within and "pop" onto my face. It’s just a small thing, but it’s part of who I am. Part of me that I like. And that’s an important step forward for me, as I rediscover myself and work to regain a peace about me.

I had an ultra-fine day yesterday, which adds to my peace and love today. I finally saw Jamie again after nearly three months. I’d seen him briefly in late October. But I hadn’t spent significant time with him in ages, There are just some people who make life totally worth all the agony. Jamie is one of those people. Something in his spirit, his soul, his personality — or all three — creates an incredibly warm atmosphere where ever he is. Not just warm, but "real". Jamie doesn’t play games, or wear masks. He is real, authentic. He absolutely knows who he is and he is completely at peace with that. Not that he doesn’t work at "becoming", he does. But he’s also very comfortable and happy in his own skin.

Maybe that’s why I love being around him, why I feel so much healthier, emotionally and spiritually, after being around him. One of the things I’ve been learning the last few months is how important it is for me to be at home and happy in my own skin, to be at peace with who I am right now. When I’m around Jamie, his peace just naturally rubs of on me. And life is just better.

I want to be like that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be happy and at peace with myself right where I am, even while I’m working to better myself. And I think I’m finally on my way. This last couple of weeks I’ve been even more introspective than normal. I’ve been chewing on a lot of things, things about myself and my life that I’ve hated for a long time… my weight, for example, or where I find myself career-wise. Something has happened in the last few days. I’m not sure what exactly it is — though I’d like to figure it out because I’d like to repeat it — but I’m finding myself more at peace with who I am. I think part of it is just being real about who I am. Not just the weight issue. That, I think, is only one small piece of the whole picture.

There are many parts of me, of my personality, that I’ve either run from, denied or been embarrassed about. I’ve seen them as unfeminine, or unChrist-like. As I’ve been doing more digging into myself and being honest with myself, I’m realizing that my view of these things has been skewed either by others’ opinions and/or my perceptions of others’ opinions.

I’ve always admired and wondered how people live their lives without concern for how others perceive them or what others say to them about them. For so many years I’ve allowed what other people say, and my perception of what they mean by what they say, to impact my opinion of myself. I’ve lived this way as long as I can remember.

I know this blows the mind of some people who know me. Nina, for example, told me a few months back that her experience with me was always one that left her with the strong belief that I didn’t care what others think about me, that their opinions don’t affect me. But the truth is, their words and opinions have a power over me that frightens me.

So I adopted an attitude very early in life, as a way to protect myself. But people’s opinions of me matter far more than is healthy I think.

God’s  opinion of me is the only opinion that’s important. That’s the Truth. But putting that truth into practice and making it a reality in my life will take time. I’m now re-evaluating many things I’ve come to believe about me based on old opinions of others. I’m learning to "judge" myself based on what God says about me. I have to "reprogram" my mind. And, FINALLY,  I’m feeling up to the challenge.

Today has been good. I’m falling in love with myself and rediscovering all there is to love about my life. I’ve had a great day, relaxing, enjoyable and rejuvenating. Today it’s been good to be me. Thanks, God!

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Workin’ Girl

Well, actually, Pooped-Out-Quittin’-Time-Girl. I accomplished absolutely nothing on my own To-Do list. But I somehow managed to get all of Kerry’s To-Do list for me done. Whew. At least I can leave the office for the Holiday weekend knowing I’ve done all I could in the time I had. That’s a good feeling.

I was talking with Kat last night about work and realized that working for Kerry is a lot like working for Ken W. at PHE (Paramount Home Entertainment). Ken was probably the best boss I ever had (aside from my dad, who was my first boss). He was very laid back, quiet kind of guy — a Mormon, so he never cussed. Heck, Ken never got angry. He’d get frustrated at times, but even that was low-key. He never had the screaming cussing fits most senior executives in the entertainment industry have. Laid back, low-key, wicked, wicked sense of humor — we used to have cola wars over the AmTel machine (he was a Pepsi man; Me, I’m a Coke girl!) What a blessing he was as a boss!

On top of that, he answered his own phones. WooHoo!! You wanna win me over as a fan, and have me as an employee forever? Answer your own phones. I hate answering phones. It’s more the disruption of what I’m doing that gets me frustrated than it is the interaction. I don’t mind talking to people, I just hate having to stop what I’m doing and change my focus to what they — that disembodied voice on the other end — wants me to focus on. It can be especially annoying when I’m working on a project that requires concentration.

Anyway, Kerry is very similar to Ken in most ways. The exception is that Kerry is not as laid back as Ken. Nothing seemed to rattle Ken, or shake his confidence that the world wasn’t going to fall apart if Eric’s (the President of the PHE) every demand wasn’t met. And that was a tall order considering Eric was your typical Type-A, neurotic, overly needy industry senior executive. Yikes this guy was uptight.

Kerry has some of Eric’s uptight-ness. Not a lot of it –and he’s in no way close to Eric! But it’s there nonetheless. That sense you get when the exec is just too burned out to think straight anymore. And no wonder. The guy’s been through hell this last year, for a variety of reasons. He really needs a long vacation away from any sort of communications devices. I doubt he’ll get it. Or take it if he did. But he needs it.

Other than his tightly wound springs, Kerry could be Ken’s twin… Smart, hard working, respectful, kind, generous… I think he’s got Ken’s sense of humor too, but it’s taking a little time for him to feel comfortable enough with me to let it out. Or maybe I’m just a little too on the weird side for him. Which is entirely possible. My sensahumah ain’t for everybody. I discovered that truth the hard way…

The other thing they both share is the respect and esteem they give me. Ken would often ask my opinion on things, and he actually listened to me and took my opinions and thoughts seriously. Do you know how rare that is?? Let me tell you, it doesn’t come along but once, maybe twice in a career for an executive assistant. And Kerry treats me in the same manner. He actually seems to value my opinion, wants and seeks out my thoughts and ideas. Very rare. And very cool.

I know I have good stuff, quality stuff to offer the world. Not to everyone, I realize. At least not at first. I couldn’t tell Larry how to improve his sand sculptures in a million years. But let me get down in the sand and work with him on a dozen or so and I can pretty much guarantee that I’d have suggestions and thoughts and ideas. Would he listen to me, even though he’s been doing it for 24 years and I’d been there only a few months? I think he would. Because he’s my friend.

But it’s a different story when you’re digging in the sand with your boss. They tend to be, well… bossy. 🙂 They have their ideas, their ways, their wants and desires, and I’ve learned that to have a “happy” workplace I must make the boss happy, regardless of how I feel about the matter.

And that’s really as it should be. It’s his name on the line, after all, not mine. At the end of the day, I go home and that’s that. At the end of Kerry’s day he’s still carrying around the multiple crosses he’s been given by the president. It’s the price he pays for the VP title. And he gets the wages as compensation. Personally speaking, I think I’d rather have my life as compensation and just take the miniscule wages of an assistant, and the crap of an executive on stress overload, as my price. From my perspective, my seat on the bus is the better one. But that’s just me… I like life better than work. And I don’t see my work as my life. And I’m drifting way off topic.

Kerry and Ken are those rare breeds of bosses that actually let their assistants help shape the ideas, designs, projects and final products. I often lamented that I let Ken slip through my fingers… he wanted to hire me, came just shy of begging me to stay. But I was already committed to going overseas as a missionary. Being Mormon, he had a deep respect for that calling on my life, so he let it alone. Once overseas, I desperately missed all that Ken was and begged God for another chance at working with him one day. When I came back last year, I met his assistant and quit asking God for that. Ken has THE MOST incredible assistant. She is perfect for him in every way. And I would never deny him the blessing of her, just to satisfy my own selfish desires. So instead I started praying for another boss like Ken….

Now I have Kerry.

But there’s a twist to this particular story that I don’t think I’ll get into here, because this post is too long as it is. I’ll sum my dilemma up by repeating what I told Kat last night: “I have a real problem with organizations that mix Christianity and politics. It’s not that I don’t think Christians should be politically active. It’s that I don’t agree with Christians using the external forces of politics to shape culture when what Jesus calls us to be is Soul Revolutionaries: shaping culture from the inside out. Change the laws and you just have strict laws which the people resent (and if you don’t think the people resent the morals-based voting take a look here or here as a couple of examples). However, change people’s hearts and what they value and you’ll actually shape culture. From the inside out. The way Jesus did.”

I’ll address this issue more in a future post….

For now, however, let me just meditate on a small revelation that came as I typed the last couple of paragraphs…. I asked God for another Ken… and got Kerry. God’s kept the doors to all other jobs resolutely closed at the moment. Frustratingly closed. CMT didn’t ever call back. I’ve applied at EMI three times now. Thomas Nelson could plaster their walls with my resume. I’ve applied for so many jobs. Even temp agencies aren’t calling back. Do I have “Loser” stamped in invisible ink on my resume or something????

Or… is God doing something here, something He’s choosing to keep a little hidden from me at the moment?

Sure wish I knew.

In the meantime, I’m still a Workin’ Girl. Grateful to God for the income — it doesn’t cover all my bills, but it sure helps keep me outa the po’house. And grateful for the boss. It’s nice to be respected for the intelligence and creativity I bring to the table.

But, really. Who are we kidding… Who can resist my delightful charms!

…why are you laughing?

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Of Roots & Dreams

Larry and I have been having an interesting discussion in the comments of his Generosity-of-dreams post. Here’s his latest comment to me:

One of the first gifts God gave me when He brought me back to Himself was the idea that “the first bricks go on the bottom.” Churches and sermons are full of fire and zip, and the implication is that we’re supposed to be instant Christians. Just add Jesus.

I’ve held to that idea ever since. I’m not going to allow myself to be buffaloed into overextending myself, as I’ve done in the past. I’ll let the bandwagon just roll on by, and I’ll keep walking in the belief that Jesus is holding my hand and that we’ll catch up with the bandwagon if we need to.

I think there is a lot more to the life that God wants to give me. Us. All of us. We don’t, however, have the patience of the oak tree that spends its first few years making roots so that a four-inch tree has a six-foot root underneath.

I believe that God’s life needs that root. I believe that there is much more to the life He wants to give us, but we can’t live without the root.

In short, I think you’re doing fine. You’re making roots. Sometime, if you just simply keep following Jesus, you’ll find out what your heart desires and He will give it to you. Being enraptured by Jesus’ glorious face is, I believe, where we start.

We’re used to living in a desert. If God were to dump all of what He wants to onto us we’d choke. It’s like feeding someone who has been starving for years: you don’t put him before a table loaded with pizza and steak. You start with broth.

God is a most excellent builder. He will do for us what He has promised.

His comment brought such hope to me! And a spark of life. This is what I miss from LA. I miss my Life Group. I miss my friends like Wendy, Ron and Leticia. I miss the times we had of communing together; with our hearts and souls intermingling, so that we shared in each other’s struggles and pain. Not just a time where we shared “prayer requests” but where we shared our hearts. They were safe places I knew I could bear my soul without condemnation or judgment, where it was okay to be who and where I was right then, where I could get words of encouragement and hope that spread across my whole being like a healing balm…. I think Larry’s found that with Nate and Debbie, and I envy him. I envy Wendy and her close proximity to all our other friends…

Ah, but that is rabbit to chase another time… right now I want to go back to the idea of growing roots.
Larry said:
“I believe that God’s life needs that root. I believe that there is much more to the life He wants to give us, but we can’t live without the root. In short, I think you’re doing fine. You’re making roots..

As I began my reply to him, an image popped into my head. A dream I’d had in ’97. Yes, I know. It’s a bit freaky that I remember a dream from that far back in my life. Even more freaky is that I remember it with vivid clarity. I also remember God’s interpretation, which came the following morning, with the same vivid clarity.

Now before you get even more wigged out that I’m going all “charismatic” on ya 🙂 (my apologies to my charismatic friends), this is an unusual thing for me. I don’t normally have dreams interpreted by God. In Love with Jesus I am. But Daniel or Joseph I am not (however, I have suddenly developed a strange affinity for talking like Yoda… weird).

The dream starts with me coming out of my parents church in Riverside (which, in the dream was my church… everyone at Magnolia Ave Bapt please stand and wave… thank you, you may sit down now…) As I approach my car, I realize all 4 tires have been slashed. Now what do I do? Suddenly, the church is no longer in Riverside, but in LA (for non-SoCal’s, they are about 50-60 miles apart) and I call my dad — in Riverside — and tell him what’s up. He says call AAA and have them get the tires okay enough to get out to him and we’ll go together to get new tires. I call AAA, they come and do their thing… but as the guy is leaving he tells me his is a very temporary and fragile fix. I cannot, repeat cannot go over 35mph, or my tires will explode and I will most likely cause a huge accident. The picture I got in my mind was of me killing myself and several others around me… Yikes!
I knew I needed to head straight out to dad’s, but I had so many errands I wanted to run! So, I ran them, all the while knowing my dad was waiting… patiently… for me to arrive so we could take care of the tires. I woke before arriving in Riverside, with this very uneasy feeling that lasted all morning… yet still feeling the warmth mixed with twinges of guilt of knowing my dad was patiently awaiting my arrival.

God interpreted the dream over a day later (Perhaps this was so there would be no mistaking both the dream and interpretation came from Him…). Driving home for Life Group God suddenly brought the dream back to mind my with stunning clarity. He pointed out that this was about my life; the tires represented “feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.” Eph 6:15 — Erwin had been going through the armor of God in his talks on Sundays, this one had been the previous Sunday’s… and the key word this piece of armor was “discipline.” God said, as long as I continued the way I was, I would still be okay, but I wouldn’t get where I wanted to go very fast. I was left with this feeling that He was waiting, patiently (as my dad was in the dream) for me, so we could get the “tires” replaced so I could go-go-go.

This dream and God’s interpretation has come back to “haunt” me at various points in my life. Almost like a quiet, “God said this would happen…” sigh of my spirit. Or perhaps God’s spirit in me…. I never heeded God’s warning back in ’97 to “take care of my tires”… not really. I’ve made good stabs at it. Worked at being disciplined in time in the Word, time with Him, in living a godly life. But I lack consistency, so I don’t think I’ve ever achieved it… I certainly don’t see myself as disciplined now.

Perhaps the dream is not just about discipline… Perhaps that’s just the human definition I put on it because that was the one closest at hand at the moment to understand “feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.” — which was very, very clearly stated by God (while the discipline wasn’t — I inferred it because of Erwin’s study)…. or perhaps part of growing roots is discipline… or part of discipline is growing roots…

The Amplified Bible puts verse 15 this way:
And having shod your feet in preparation [to face the enemy with the firm-footed stability, the promptness, and the readiness produced by the good news] of the Gospel of peace.

That would certainly imply discipline, at least in part. It doesn’t cover the whole of the verse… preparation is more than just discipline. It also involves practice, skill, alertness, a ready stance — like the feet spread that you get when you’re bracing yourself against a strong wind gust… just like a tree must have deep roots that will brace it, hold it steady, give it stability if it is to survive gale force or hurricane force winds…

“[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit.” — Jer 17:7-8 Amp. Bible

I guess God is working on my feet, huh. I’m growing roots deep into the heart of God. That’s good. Because I just can’t seem to get enough of Him these days. So perhaps bigger, deeper, longer roots will help… I still need to work on the discipline thing… I need to become more consistent. I hope that part of God’s work on my feet will include helping me in this area too. ….Perhaps one day, someone will want to put this on my tombstone….

How beautiful upon the mountains were the feet of she who brought good tidings, who published peace, who brought good tidings of good, who published salvation, who said to Zion, Your God reigns! — Isa 52:7 Amp. Bible with Lu’s alterations

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Invisible Presence

There are days, and times, like today… right now sitting at Fido, sort of hearing the noise of the crowd through my headphones as I listen to Phillips Craig and Dean blasting “Your Grace Still Amazes Me” that I feel so incredibly blessed. God’s presence is a constant companion now. No longer do I have to search for Him or quiet my soul…. I know He’s here, I can sense HIm, see HIm in my mind.

How many people here can say that? I look around the room. There a small group huddled around the the bar, laughing and talking… one’s obviously telling a grand story, using his hands and gesturing wildly to convey all that words cannot. Just around the “corner” of the bar from them are two women absorbed in their papers. A man in a wheel chair chats over an empty plate with another man. They seem deep in conversation that interests them both. Throughout out the tables beyond them are scattered groups and individuals, some talking animatedly, some in more serious conversations. Some people are alone, reading, studying or working on their computers. Then there’s the two men beside me. My headphones barely cover over the conversation about music, their many years as musicians, their experiences in the business. I can’t help but notice the tiredness in their voices. Tiredness of life, of the rat race…. as one man told me about a month ago, it seems the magic has gone out of the music for them. And it shows in their conversation.

People continue to come in and out, letting in the crisp air from the rain soaked street. Cars sit in traffic just outside the window… people on their way home from work, or on their way to class or to a doctor’s appointment at Vanderbilt. People heading who knows where…. People move. Some leave, others come and take their seats. Through all the bustle and noise, God’s presence, His shalom envelopes me.

How many here go to bed each night with a hunger in their soul that cannot be satisfied, no matter what they try? How many people here can truly say they experience the shalom (peace) of God resting on them each day, the way I can?

I don’t know how to feel. Do I feel warm and blessed because of God’s presence in my life? Or do I feel sad and in pain for all those who don’t have what I have? I am only one person. What can I possibly do to stem the tide of loneliness in the world? Where would I even begin?

The group at the bar has moved to a table, and has grown from three to five. One particularly good looking man was greeted earlier by another, equally good looking man. By their dress, look and attitudes, I’d say they’re musicians, or somehow connect to the music business, on the artist side. Just now, however, something happened in their group that jolted my heart, excited me and intrigued me about this group, and this man…. A very heavy-set girl, one would probably call her obese, came toward the table, and the good looking man jumped up, greeted her warmly and gave her a big hug. He then led her to a seat and proceeded to make sure everyone at the table knew who she was. They are all now seated and in conversation…. I’m intrigued: Who is this man who seems to draw people to him? People who seem a little diverse. The group isn’t widely diverse, by any means, but they aren’t homogenous either.

Is this the power of influence? Is this the answer to the questions I seek? If so, how does one become a person of influence?

How do I make the invisible God who walks beside me every single day, who never leaves my side, how do I make Him visible to the world around me? How can I help the people in Fido, the people in Nashville, see Him?