I don’t think I ever posted this marvelous picture of my baby in my driveway. Ain’t she pretty!
May I present to you, Sassy Samantha Starbuck.
…this I know
For he sent me a friend named Joe…
who sent Beignets. 🙂 Look at this cool thing!
Now all I need is a deep fryer or electric skillet to cook them in.
Hey, Wendy! You should come over, you could make creepies (crepes for the rest of ya’ll) and I’ll make beignets — and there’s a can of coffee and chicory… and we’ll just go to town! Yummmmm.
I wasn’t feelin’ so hot today but now I’m a happy girl.
I put in my application for a University distance learning degree
today. And I’m surprised at the range of emotions bubbling inside me. Read the rest here…
from my blog: Turning 40
I received two cds full of pictures (one was just all the raw ones I took) Kat and I took at the Lake Oconee/Reynolds Plantation charity event a couple of weeks ago. It brought back precious memories of that day, and all the beautiful people we got to know that day.
I’ve uploaded some of my favorites to a photo album you will see on the right column. I plan to upload more later — it’s nearly 3am and I have to be up in two hours to do the sound in tbe Chapel service. Please take a look at the photos and let me know what you think.
Here are the three major players of the event:
Despite starting the day with the worst traffic I’ve seen on Hillsboro ever, the day turned out to be rather magical.
You’d think that after 40 of these things, I’d be tired of them. But they never seem to lose their magic for me. There’s just something about bounding into a place and announcing, "its my birthday!" that brings me joy and excitement. And I spent most of the day doing just that — or pointing to my big Disneyworld button that says, "Today’s my Birthday!"
I am now the proud owner of a black 30gb video iPod. Woohoo! I’ve already spent the better part of the night playing with it and checking out all the nifty little settings and such. But as wonderful as that is, it cannot top the present I received when I drove down my driveway.
As I came down in the darkness, my headlights caught three beautiful young deer making a dinner out of our hedges. One got skittish as I drove closer, so I stopped the car and just sat watching them, keeping my high beams trained on the three. Soon enough the third one came back to the hedge and began eating again. Then a third one came clamoring through the a gap in the hedges that I’d never noticed before. The four greeted each other as only deer can, hung out for a bit longer, then slowly headed toward the back of our property, out of range of my headlights. What a beautiful gift to come home to!! Nature’s beauty right there in my back yard. I wish I’d had my camera with me in the car so I could’ve shot some pictures of it. Simply wonderful.
The evening ended with a series of calls to and from my sister, Nina, who sent me a very delicious birthday card.
A perfect ending to a perfectly magical day. Thanks, God!
Today I enter my 41st year on this earth.
At 7:41am central time on September 25, 1965 I made my grand entrance into this world. My dad was in Vietnam. My oldest sister was off at college. And my mom had been in the hospital for several days, since I had threatened to come during Wednesday night Bible study (my mom, Chaplain’s wife to the core, refused to leave until Bible study was over), but changed my mind shortly thereafter.
That’s a pattern I continued all through my life, changing my mind. Frequently and often. Though not many people really know that. I tend to think a lot before I speak, which generally helps. Though it has been my downfall from time-to-time. But I digress.
It’s kinda funny, really. I used to look at the "40s" as being old. But I don’t feel old. I still feel like a freshman in high school, all geeky and goofy-looking but like I’ve got the world by the… well… and my whole life is in front of me.
I still feel that way. Well, except for the last part. I don’t feel like I’ve got my "whole" life in front of me anymore. I feel like it’s mostly behind me. Whether that’s really true or not is yet to be determined.
Ah, the dreams I had of where I would be, who I would be, by the time I was in my 40s. And how far I am from any of them! In my early 30s I was convinced that by the time I was 41 I would be married, with at least one or two children. I’d be living in LA, a stay-at-home mom with a big house and a dog or two. My husband would be a doctor, or a writer-producer (told you I changed my mind often). By the time I reached my late thirties, I was thinking more of marrying another missionary, or someone in ministry somewhere. But the kids thing was still very much in the dream.
In my late 20s I definitely saw myself as married long before I turned 40, with a husband/writing partner on a successful television show — and three or four kids running around too.
In my late teens early 20s I couldn’t even conceive of my 40s — but I know the dream was to be married with six kids, and several Grammys, Oscars and Tonys decorating my mantles around my huge home in Malibu. I still believed I could be Olivia Newton-John, Patti LuPone and Debbie Reynolds all rolled into one.
My, how different my life turned out. Not that I’m complaining. Those were nice dreams. But that’s all they were. Dreams. Fantasies. Real Life is so much different. And, for the most part, so much better.
41. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend. No big house. No shiny awards. I’m not even working in entertainment anymore (unless this blog counts as "entertainment"; if so, I’m grossly underpaid and need to unionize NOW).
I’m extremely grateful to God for unrealized dreams. Not that kids and husbands and big houses and awards aren’t great to have (or want). It’s just that I look around at my life and I’m satisfied. I like where I am at this moment. I don’t want to stay here forever, but I like it for right now. I’m grateful I don’t have children. More for them than for me. I look at who I was back then, even just two or three years ago, and I know I would have inflicted much pain and brokenness on their young hearts and minds. Not that I won’t still should God create a new miracle and give me a child in my "old age". But I’ve learned so much about who am really am, in God’s eyes, and what really matters, that I think the damage I’ll inflict will be much, much less than it would have been had I had those six children in my 20s that I dreamed of and so longed for.
And while having a husband, a partner, to share my life with would truly be a blessing, I’m so grateful he’s not in my life yet. I couldn’t be the wife and partner and lover he deserves, not then, and perhaps not even yet. I’m still dealing with some stuff that needs to be resolved, needs healing, before I’ll be there.
And truthfully, I really love being single. I couldn’t always say that. I don’t know that I could ever really say that and have it be the truth. I know I wanted to believe I was happy being single, but the truth is that I spent most of my adult years dreaming and fantasizing of my "knight in shining armor," rather than living the life in front of me. I didn’t really give myself the chance to be single, in body, spirit and mind because my mind and spirit were always elsewhere, pining to be married.
(Boy does my grammar suck in this post — I just started two paragraphs with "And" and I have no desire, or ideas how, to change it. I’m either getting old in my head too, or getting more rebellious — yeah, probably both.)
While I miss my friends in Hollywood, and I miss working on the Paramount lot especially, I don’t miss the constant popularity contest of that world. I don’t miss feeling like I was perpetually back in high school and was once again not in the in crowd, but desperately wanting to be. The corporate world of health care (is there another industry in which to work in Nashville, besides music??) is just as filled with politics — which, if Friday is any indication, I’m completely failing at still; but that’s another story — but it isn’t as high school-ish as Hollywood is. And the politics are easier to ignore, because, unlike television, sometimes what we are dealing with really is life-and-death-brain-surgery stuff.
I’m so grateful I didn’t realize those dreams of success in the Industry, of Grammys and Oscars and Tonys. Can you imagine? None of that success, none of those awards would have made a difference in who I really am, down inside, and how broken I was and still am. It just would have made it that much harder to admit my brokenness and need for redemption and transformation at the deep level God has provided.
Had all those dreams been realized, I would not be able to live the life I have now. No, it’s not a perfect life. I will probably spend my birthday evening alone (plans fell through late last night) catching up on my TiVo’s activities after a day filled with budget frustrations and constantly changing numbers at work. My dreams for a hybrid car and a couple acres of land to call my own still elude me. My longing for a life partner is still unmet. My Weight Watchers plans all went to crap this week and the only present I’ll probably get today will be the iPod I’m planning to buy myself after work tonight.
But you know what? I still have an awesome life. I have this wonderful little place that is all my own. A place where I feel safe, not just physically but emotionally. I didn’t realize that I’d never really felt that before; not until recently. I’m a safe person for me to be alone with — I’ve never been that before. Too much self-beating and emotional self-abuse.
I have a wonderful little car, a complete gift from God! I have family and friends who love me (even though most are a couple thousand miles away), a God who adores me and a few dear friends who truly believe in me.
Most of all, I’m finally discovering who I really am. For the first time I’m finally truly delving into all the parts of me I so carefully avoided for fear of offending someone I loved and losing their love and I’m staring it all down, studying me from every angle and learning who and what I am, from the inside out. Perhaps that’s really my birthday gift this year: Me.
I’m not a morning person. If it were up to me I’d wake up around 11am, get to work around 1 or 2pm and work till 11pm. Or later.
But there are some mornings that for whatever reason, I come fully awake. Today is one of those days.
Perhaps it was the Starbucks vente chai I treated myself to. Perhaps it was the music I listened to on my way to work. Perhaps.
Perhaps it was the explorations I made into my childhood "stuff" and the discoveries I made last night. Enlightenment at 2am. It was a beautiful and precious moment.
Perhaps it was that I went to sleep on that enlightenment.
I am not who I always believed I was; that negative image who I was convinced everyone else, especially my family, saw as me. I am not that person. I never really was. I just allowed myself to be put in that role and live out that premise.
That was a very freeing realization. It feels like I’m finally awake. For the first time in my life.
Good morning, Jesus.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you. — Psalm 139:14-18
A week after it began, my car search is over. I’m heaving a big sigh of relief.
Yes, I committed myself to a 5-year loan, but my payments are under $300/mo (by $20) and I paid the amount out the door that I wanted. And I got a brand spankin’ new car (23 miles when I drove it off the lot) which will last me for-ever (I drove my last one of these for 10 years). I stood up to the sales people and won. Yippee!
Okay, truthfully, I had a lot of help. My friend Natalie’s husband works in the car sales industry. He called a friend who pulled in a favor from another friend and got me a sahweeeeeet sweet deal.
Everyone listen up. Go see Corey at Crest Honda and buy a car from him. He deserves all the commissions he can get. He’s a good, good man.
Oh, and here’s my new car. Except mine is red, of course!
Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are his riches and wisdom
and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions
and his methods! For who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who knows enough to be his counselor? And who could ever give him so much that he would have to pay it back? For everything comes from him; everything exists by his power and is intended for his glory. To him be glory evermore. Amen.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your
bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your
spiritual act of worship.
Romans 11:33-12:1
Ever had to do this? Ever had to amend your dreams because reality cut in on your dance? It kinda sucks. But, that’s life I guess.
I called the bank yesterday afternoon and got a reality check. Turns out I hadn’t really been allowing enough for taxes/registration, etc. So the amount of car I can afford went down a couple of thousand. A new car is pretty much out of the picture at this point. And some of the cars I’d been looking at are definitely out.
It was sooo cool to get so many comments yesterday — and from some I hadn’t heard from in a while too!! Yippee! Thanks everyone for the great comments/conversation. I so appreciate any and all advice and ideas I can get on this one! Never does the single life feel as lonely as when I have to make a huge decision like this. Yuck. On the other hand, I don’t have to compromise with someone else on what I want. Which is a very good and fun thing. I just have to compromise with the bank and my finances. Which brings me back to the point of this post.
My dream car has been a Prius for about a year now. A Honda hybrid just hasn’t been as appealing, but it still makes a good second choice. However, they have just priced them completely out of my range. It makes me so angry at times. How will we ever be able to gain our freedom from gas-dependence and from OPEC as long as car companies insist on overpricing hybrids and leaving the common middle-to-working class buyer completely out of the market? We are the ones who do the most driving. Back and forth to work. Back-and-forth. Back-and-forth. Grrr. And with gas prices as crazy as they are, and promising to get crazier as life goes on with no hope of ever coming back to sanity, hybrids or at least really good mileage cars, are a moral and financial imperative. This is when capitalism drives me nuts. Normally I’m a huge fan of the free-market capitalist society. But times like this, when big companies call the shots and us regular people suffer the consequences and pay the price — literally — I’m about ready to call for government regulation. An absolute sin in the Republican/Conservative word. But who cares about politics when I’m trying to buy a good car?? Certainly not me.
I don’t know how so many people are able to afford cars to begin with. Man, they are expensive! I think I earn a decent living. I earn much, much more than when I first started yet. Yet I can still barely afford a new Civic. It’s unbelievable.
Now, granted, I’m trying not to finance more than about $14k at the most. But still, you would think that for $19-$20K out the door I should be able to get a really good, mid-luxury kind of car. You know, something that’s more than a beginner buyer out of college would get. Something like a new Camry or Accord. But nope. Those are WAYYYYY out of my league. Unless I want to pay over $300/month. Which I think is outrageous. I’m looking at keeping my payments between $275-$290/mo which is as low
as I can seem to get them in order to get a nice car with low miles. But even then, I’m looking at 3-year old cars. I could get a lower monthly payment by getting an older, or less appealing car. But, dang man! I’m 40 years old. I want to drive something nice and reliable. Not just something that doesn’t cost a lot. Aaaaauugggghhhh.
Perhaps my thinking is out of whack with reality, I don’t know. Do most people pay that much a month for a car? That just seems crazy to me.
Part of the problem, too, is that I really want to save money and start going to college in the next year. I need to not spend that much on a car each month, so I can put some aside for school/savings.
And part of the problem is I just hate debt. And the thought of being so in debt for a car just freaks me a little. But I guess that’s just something I have to get over in this new world of overpricing.
Now I’m looking at buying a used car. One with low miles and good reputation. Still looking at the Element. Still looking at the Acura I was in the last post. Still considering the Dodge. I’ve now added a used Beetle Convertible I found at Carmax or a new hard top I could afford — the woman at my bank’s negotiations office suggested that one.
I never did well with constantly shifting options. I don’t exactly know why. Is it my personality or something else? Whatever the reason, I tend to do better when I have more time to consider and then less time to deal with anxiety when the time comes to implementing my plans — in this case buying the car.
I keep clinging to God’s promises to be with me and to provide for my needs. But I still suffer from a good strong case of the nerves. So many things to think about, so little time to really mull them over (Yeah, I guess I’m a big "J" after all, Wendy). I get scared that I’ll later regret my purchase, regret spending so much each month on my car.
And lest you think I’m just freaking out because it’s a car. Ha. Let me set you straight. I freak out at any large purchase. And at every major commitment. I freaked at committing to 4 years on a team that I’d not spent any time with overseas — turned out I was right to do so, but that’s a story for another post. I freaked out when the SBC office I was temping for told me if they hired me they wanted me to make a 3-4 year commitment to the job (what the….????). Needless to say, I didn’t say yes. I will probably freak when my future husband asks me to marry him. It’s just the whole idea of not having an escape clause, just in case I get into something and discover its a complete hornets nest and I need out fast.
Man, I sound like a control freak, huh. Perhaps I am. But God seems bent on changing this whole facet of my personality. Or at least loosening me up. Pretty much my whole life for the last 6 years has been one long constant stepping out in faith, facing my fears head-on and and choosing to trust God for the seeming impossible. I don’t take much time to look back and marvel at where I came from. The present always seems to captivate my attention and keep me tied up in concern — and occasionally, awe. But every once in a while, I look back in wonder and amazement at all He brought me through, all He’s done for me and all I have become since the new millennium began.
The night my car died, God took me back to an old, once familiar passage that I hadn’t looked at in a while, Romans 5:1-11
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For
if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the
death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be
saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
"Since we were reconciled, how much more…." It rang through my head. And my heart. I heard God whisper, "how much more will I give you, my precious daughter! How much more will I provide. I met you at your point of need even before you knew you needed. Just because I adore you. How much more will I give you now that you know your are My beloved and are committed to becoming all I dream for you? How much more!"
And that’s what I cling to right now. That’s what I use to calm my fears and settle my nerves. I just keep crying out to Him, "Help me choose the best!" and believing in "how much more" He has for me.
I’ve been watching the SAG awards and my heart is aching. I so miss my home!!
I can’t believe that after all this time I see feel that LA is home; that the Industry is still home. Many have talked tonight about feeling so grateful to be a part of the acting tribe.
I miss my tribe! I don’t have one anymore and I really miss it.
My tribe had been the assistants; everyone from PAs to writers and producer’s assistants. My tribe was all of us who worked one job while working toward and dreaming of another. My tribe was all the wanna-be-soon-to-be’s. My tribe was sometimes at Sony, sometimes at Disney, but mostly at Paramount. Oh, man, how I miss those gates!!
My tribe was also at Mosaic. People who understand what it really means to be "on mission" with Jesus. Who understand the sacrifice it takes to live this life unplugged from the Matrix. Who relate to the not only the struggles but the joys of walking with Jesus; the very personal, quirky ways of God, and who are not afraid to enter into the hard conversations, live life over the edge and give of themselves till they bleed.
I miss LA more than I can say. I miss the feel of the city, the diversity and the crazy people. And yes, even the smog and traffic. I miss driving to the studio every day, walking through the gates and eating lunch at the commissary. I miss talking writing stuff with friends and my bosses and acting jaded about the "industry" at large. Most of all I miss my tribe. My peeps. I miss the creative community, both in the Industry and at Mosaic, who challenged me every single day to make every moment count, to create beauty where ever I went and to be light to the dark world how ever I could. Oh, God, how I miss it all!!
Its not that Nashville is bad, or that my church is unfriendly. Its just that it isn’t home. Mosaic is home. LA is home. I don’t know if anything will be able to replace them in my hearts, and I am working to make the new places I find myself in homey, to make them home as much as possible. I guess it will just take more time than I thought. I really do love Nashville.
But times like tonight remind why I love the Industry so much. There is a culture and a language I understand, that is my heart language. I fall naturally into it. When the actors talk about loving the green room and make up trailer, and hanging out around the craft services table, I understand them on a heart level. When S. Epatha Merkerson won her first SAG award at the age of 54, my heart soars because I know what it means to work so hard in such a hard industry and it gives me such hope that a woman can still get awards in their fifties in such an age-biased industry.
How awesome LA is! Yes, my friends — and all who stop by — if you live in Los Angeles, revel in it. Dance in the moonlight and sing on the freeway on your traffic-ridden drive to work. Smile at the homeless waiting at corners to sell you oranges or wash your windshields and feel warm inside that some film team decided to keep the work in your part of town instead of taking their money and jobs to Canada. Yeah, the rent is too high, housing prices are ridiculous, gas is downright unaffordable and the traffic is maddening. But man, you live in the most diverse, most amazingly entertaining and delightful city in the world! Revel in your home. Nothing can compare.