iiiee-yiiiie-yiiiiie…. I was up till 3:30am talking to a good friend from LA. And now I’m soooo sleepy I can’t hardly keep my eyes open… these are the times I wish I hadn’t quit caffeine. Man, could I use a strong Chai latte right now! Or even a 32-ounce diet coke.
Do you ever wish you lived in one of those European countries that took long afternoon siestas? Ah, does that sound good.
Ready? Let’s all nap now!
My Mac went wacky on me last night. Turns out my memory card was loose — or perhaps the slot is going bad. At any rate, a friend came over today and fixed it for me. We also got me more memory, so now my Powerboook is really whizzing along. Yay!
But I was really sweatin’ it for a while. I have never backed up anything and thinking of all the pictures and music I’d lose just about crushed me. Not to mention the cost of repairing my baby. Granted, I have Apple Care until next June (as in ’07) but still, it’s possible that the cost of whatever was wrong might not be covered. This baby cost me $3k, a sum which I don’t currently have were I need to replace it. I would cry serious crocodile tears if that were to happen. I prayed and begged and talked for a long time to God about this whole thing. Ultimately I was able to give it over to Him before falling to sleep but was still rather anxious until my friend came and worked his magic.
When my friend was able to get my Mac running again, by simply moving my memory card around, from one slot to another and back again, we both came to the firm conviction that Jesus really loves Macs. How could it be otherwise? Such a problem in a PC would doubtless require many hours of repair and many dollars in cost. But with a simple adjustment, my Mac was back to its old self again. Yes, Jesus does indeed love Macs.
[[whiplash alert]]
There’s a firefly in my house (don’t say I didn’t warn you). I think he flew in while I was seeing my friend off. I’ve learned since moving here that it’s not wise to leave a door open here in Tennessee. All sorts of critters and flying "things" invite themselves in and make themselves at home when you do. Normally I close my door behind me, no matter how short of time I’ll be outside. I just forgot tonight (a by-product of spending most of my life in LA, where critters don’t tend to invite themselves — only thieves do — so as long as you’re nearby you can leave your door wide open all you want; in other words, it was force of habit).
And now I have a little blinking visitor desperately looking for someone to love. I didn’t notice him until I turned off the lights. I don’t want to kill the beautiful thing; but I don’t really want this flashing neon penlight floating around the room all night. Who knows what I’ll think it is when I wake up in the middle of the night and see it. I could seriously freak out, kill the poor thing and leave a nice glow-in-the-dark stain on whatever I squish it against. That would just be a plain waste of a glow-y life.
Yeah. I’m too tired to be blogging. Too much stress over the last day. I think I’ll go to bed now….
Sitting outside just a bit ago watching a thunderstorm pass by, I got a little gift of joy. A young deer quietly stole into our backyard and walked within about 10 feet of my quiet place on the porch. She slowly wandered through on a zig-zag path, stopping now and then to eat some grass. Fireflies dancing around her, cloud lightning occasionally lighting the sky overhead, she fit right into some amazing scene from a dream sequence of a Broadway show (okay, so maybe I did o.d. a little on the Tony Awards tonight…).
It’s the little gifts like these that just take my breath away. How did I get so lucky as to live in such an amazing place as this?
Time to take the new car for its first long test drive. 🙂 I’m off to Charlotte for the weekend and I’m leaving my trusty laptop at home, so there won’t be any road-side blogging…
Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!
I’m not a morning person. If it were up to me I’d wake up around 11am, get to work around 1 or 2pm and work till 11pm. Or later.
But there are some mornings that for whatever reason, I come fully awake. Today is one of those days.
Perhaps it was the Starbucks vente chai I treated myself to. Perhaps it was the music I listened to on my way to work. Perhaps.
Perhaps it was the explorations I made into my childhood "stuff" and the discoveries I made last night. Enlightenment at 2am. It was a beautiful and precious moment.
Perhaps it was that I went to sleep on that enlightenment.
I am not who I always believed I was; that negative image who I was convinced everyone else, especially my family, saw as me. I am not that person. I never really was. I just allowed myself to be put in that role and live out that premise.
That was a very freeing realization. It feels like I’m finally awake. For the first time in my life.
Good morning, Jesus.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you. — Psalm 139:14-18
Tonight I bought a couch.
The first one I ever bought from a store.
Strike that. The first really nice, comfortable BIG one I ever bought new (I bought a little assembly-required couch from Ikea just before I went overseas because it would break down and save space in my crate). It gets delivered on Saturday. I’m sooooo excited!!!! Its micro-fiber, and feels like suede. No, even better than suede. And it’s big, and long and has a chaise on the end.
And it’s the same color as my old couch was when I lived in LA —-gawd I miss that couch!! I LOVED that couch! It was the BEST couch EVER — well, except for the couch, ahem, sectional, I just bought.
WWWWWHHEEEEE — I’m an adult again! Buying and spending the money I make on nice things for my house instead of living simply and plainly so I’m ready to go overseas at a moment’s notice.
It feels good.
And what’s more, I sense God’s approval.
In fact, the night my Ford died, I heard God whisper to me to buy the Civic. But I was rather hung-up on the Element at the time, and hung up on the idea that the was a starter car, not an "adult" car. Turns out, I was wrong. The new redesign makes the Civic a truly adult, and sassy adult, car.
And that’s her name, by the way. My car. Her name is Sassy Samantha Starbuck. In honor of two women I admire: Samantha Jones from "Sex and the City" — I love her acceptance and delight in her own body. I am working to someday be as confident and delighted in my own body, the beautiful creation God made. And Kara Thrace, call sign Starbuck, from "Battlestar Galactica". Both these women attack life and truly suck the marrow out of it. I want to be like that. And in some weird way, I feel like this car brings that part of my personality out… is that weird??? Or perhaps I was drawn to the car because of that part of my personality…
I really feel God’s excitement and delight over my excitement and delight of my new purchases. It’s really cool. Who knew God loves to bless us with fun gifts we buy ourselves! Life is good.
Yeah.
…which one should I buy…
heck if I know!
I am in love with this one.
But this one’s also very much grown on me.
However, with the price of gas, this one and this one in particular (one of my very favorites!) are the best ideas I’ve seen.
And yet…. my insurance on the Acura is twice what I’m paying now, and the Civic isn’t much lower. Surprisingly, the lowest 6-mo premium winner so far goes to the Element. Wow. Never expected that from an SUV-wannabe.
I’m still in love with the Dodge Caliber though. But everyone, and I do mean everyone, I know is telling me to steer clear of Dodge. They say the engine just isn’t up to snuff.
Hmmm…. what to do, what to do…
wish I knew.
I really do.
(perhaps in the meantime, I could pick up some extra cash as poet… wha’cha think? 
)
I survived nature’s latest temper tantrum in Middle Tennessee, and it was a doozy. Well, for everyone but my neighborhood. We seem to have some sort of bubble over Forest Hills. I watched with rapt attention to all the news reports on all the local — even some nationwide — stations and kept hearing about how bad it was all over Nashville and to our north and south. Then I’d look out the window and see sunshine with scattered clouds. I’d step outside and feel an occasional raindrop, hear an occasional peel of thunder, but otherwise all was still, quiet, peaceful even. Birds singing and everything you’d expect from a beautiful but cloudy day.
At one point WKRN‘s city-cam showed an impending super-cell fast approaching. The weather-casters warned us a tornado had been spotted and those of us in Forest Hills needed to take cover immediately because it was headed straight for us. I stood and watched from my back porch as the tail end of that huge super-cell passed over us, darkening the sky to the north and east as far as I could see. Newscasters on every channel were reporting golf ball sized hail falling outside their studios and throughout Nashville. But sunshine was the only thing that poured over me.
Later, when the tornadoes had done their best in Gallatin, Hendersonville, Goodlettesville, Columbia and beyond, and all the newscasters were reporting that the worst had past and all was calm in Nashville, that’s when all hell seemed to break loose around my home. The wind blew hard against my walls, causing the hard rain to sound like huge bb pellets smacking into my windows, lightning flashed and thunder rolled. The lightning and thunder faded after about an hour and all that was left was the wind and the rain.
I’m so grateful to God I "missed out" on all the crazy weather earlier! My heart aches and grieves for the all those who lost property or loved ones. It was all so unexpected, and so fast. We knew there’d be "severe weather", but all the models I’d seen put the worst of it to the south of us. Certainly I didn’t expect it to slam those in the northern part so terribly. I’m sure they didn’t expect it either.
It did amaze me, however, that as I left my office — a little before 2pm — that everyone around me seemed oblivious to the danger at hand. Everyone seemed out for a Sunday drive, going lazily down the street with not a care in the world. Meanwhile, the am radio station I was listening to was broadcasting constant tornado warnings for Davidson county (our county) and saying a tornado had been spotted on the ground right near the 65. I’m yelling and honking and begging people to move so I can get home before it gets worse.
Yes, I know the warnings were for northern Davidson county, and yes, I know the tornado hit the 65 far north of where I was, but still. It wasn’t that far.
I’ve decided. I like earthquakes far better than tornadoes. There’s no warning with earthquakes. There’s none of this crazy "its coming right for you, take cover now!" weather-caster-driven anxiety that leaves a person in near panic for hours at a time and then exhausted for days afterward. Earthquakes just hit, bang!, and it’s done. No warning. No sirens. No intense newscasters. No changing your daily routine to rush home in time to get to a safe spot. No pre-storm runs on the grocery store as all of Middle Tennessee rushes to buy milk and bread —-what the… is that about anyway???—- You just go about your daily life till it hits.
Yep, you gotta be prepared. You gotta already have your supplies (are you listening Nashville?). You’ve got to already have a plan for meeting up, for getting home, for taking care of business until things normalize a bit.
And I say, all of that beats this crazy "severe weather alert" weather caster-driven insanity Nashville calls "storm watch". Give me a surprise 6.7 (or 7.1 depending on who’s in power) Northridge quake over an anxiety-ridden tornado-waiting afternoon any day.
For great pictures of the devastation, go here:
Woo-hoo!! I’ve got an hour and a half left before I leave Nashville for nearly a week of vacation in South Carolina. I can’t wait!!
I’m flying out because Nina’s birthday is tomorrow. We’re getting massages at 1pm and then just hanging out in our relaxed states for the rest of the day. Friday will be full of shopping and Saturday evening we’re going to dinner and a movie. We’re also planning to spend some time scrap-booking together.
Ah, a change of pace, a change of scenery and a change of undies and I’ll be a new woman!
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about a several ish-uhs, as my pastor would put it, over the last few weeks. I started and deleted several posts about them because I just haven’t been able to properly translate what’s in my head and heart just yet. Perhaps this coming change of pace will help and I’ll be able to let you in on the thoughts rattling around my brain.
Bottom line: God is doing amazing things inside me, in my heart, in my soul. He is bringing clarity to things that have always been hazy, opening my eyes to new truths and aspects of myself that I never knew existed, and raining down grace abounding till I am drenched. I have peace and joy so deep, such that I’ve not ever had before.
All these blessings are coming through, and because of, painful experiences, through many tears and anguish and through a purposeful effort to allow Jesus to sift me and heal me. God is taking all the pain, all the tears, all the anguish, all the anger, all the junk and creating something new. I don’t know how He’s doing it. I don’t understand how anyone could take the dregs of my life and heart and make such a beautiful, new piece of art. But then again, this is the same God that took spit and dirt and healed a man’s eyes; who took just dust from the ground and created man; and then took just a rib from that man and made a beautiful woman. Who know how He does anything??
Early today I remembered a passage God spoke very powerfully to me through as I was preparing to go to India. He made it clear it was a promise to me, and to our whole team:
"This is what the LORD says to his anointed, to Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of to subdue nations before him and to strip kings of their armor, to open doors before him so that gates will not be shut:
I will go before you and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." — Isa 45:1-3
He is still fulfilling His promise. Isn’t that amazing!
I’m reading an amazing little book right now called "the Life of the Beloved" (see sidebar under "Currently Reading"). You simply must read this book! The first point of the book is that we, yes, WE my dear friends, are the Beloved of God. He calls us His Beloved, in whom He is well pleased. I know. This is something I’ve written about here before. BUT the cool thing is, here’s this reknown writer saying the very same thing that Jesus has been saying to me over and over and over for several years now. It’s feels soooo good to get confirmation from such an outside source that I truly am hearing the voice of my Beloved, and not believing a faery tale.
This truth is written all through the Bible, but so often we fail to read those passages, choosing instead to focus on what we think is required of us to "become" lovely and lovable.
God whispers it to us in the Psalms, in Isaiah, even Jeremiah The Depressing reminds us of God’s words to His people, "I’ve never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!" (Jer 31:3 The Message) He screams it from the highest mountains through Jesus’ death and speaks it to our hearts with every sunset, every thunderstorm, rain drop and cloudless day.
In Ephesians Paul reminds us, "Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son." (Eph 1:4-6)
You and I, my dear friends, we ARE the Beloved of God. He revels in us every moment of every day. He sings our praises and dances with joy at the very thought of us. We bring Him deep and overflowing pleasure He delights in us.
So why do we have such a hard time delighting in ourselves?
Oh, the lies the enemy speaks to our souls! The lies we’ve heard from the moment we came out of the womb — perhaps even earlier — that we are not pretty enough, not good enough, not talented enough, not worthy of such unfailing love.
I believed those lies all my life. They shaped my opinion of myself and molded me into someone I was not meant to be; someone ashamed and unbelieving of my own beauty, my own loveliness.
But freedom has come. I am being untangled more each day from the chains that kept me locked in those lies. God speaks so freely and powerfully, each day. He speaks to me of His love. Each day He dances and sings, "You are my Beloved Daughter. In you I am well pleased! I made you and formed you; I called you by name long before you ever knew you had one. You are Mine. You are My Beloved. And I celebrate you every single moment of every single day."
I want this truth to so invade my soul that it infects every aspect of my life, however small. Think of how that will change how I live! It already is. Slowly, but surely, it is changing how I see everything, react to everything, how I move and breath and respond and live.
We are blessed, my friends. We are so blessed. God, the creator and sustainer of the whole universe, calls us His Beloved. He is pleased with us. No matter where we are right now, or what we have done — or are doing even at this moment. He loves us completely.
