Category Archives: Life

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Pajama Day

Its 5:30pm and I’m still in my pjs. Its the first Saturday in over a month that I haven’t had some place to be, something I had to do or someone I had to meet up with.

These are my favorite kind of Saturdays; spent reading, sleeping and catching up on TiVo-ed recordings of the week. I never got them growing up. My parents thought to spend a day this way was a waste of time. That is, until they retired and spent most days reading and napping, when they weren’t traveling and seeing the U.S. from their truck and trailer. They just weren’t like me.

Me? I need downtime. I need time alone. I mean, A-Lone. Me, myself and I — and God. No one else. No friends, no parents, no roommates. I have rarely had this kind of time, mostly because I have rarely lived alone. I had roommates from the time I moved out of my parents’ home till I moved overseas in 2003 — except when I briefly had an apartment of my own in my late twenties, more out of need than of choice.

As an adult I always felt guilty for sleeping in on Saturdays and holidays, as most of my roommates were like my parents, either extroverts who were filled with energy by being with people or filled with conviction that a day not filled with activities was a day wasted. I grew up believing that my feelings and choices were basically bad, or not allowed at all, so I spent my life pretty much like Julia Roberts’ character in "Runaway Bride" — taking on the attitudes, beliefs and fancies of those I most wanted to be loved by and denying my own desires to the point I didn’t even know what they were. I spent my life believing my longing to spend the day in my pjs just kicking back and reading or napping was at the very least selfish and shameful, not to mention sinful. Most of my roommates, I can pretty much guarantee, to this day think I’m crazy to want to spend a Saturday the way I have today.

But that’s okay. I think they are the crazy ones to want to start a day off work getting up at 6am and going strong and hard all day. To me that’s not relaxing. Nor is it fun; especially when you’re just going to go. You know, to just be busy. And especially when the long day isn’t followed by a day of real rest.

Yet that’s the way I spent most of my days throughout much of my adult life. I got up not  because I was ready or I wanted to, but because I could hear my roommates up and felt embarrassed that they might be thinking that I’m so incredibly lazy. Yes, sounds crazy. But to me, what people thought of me was much more important than what I wanted. And what they thought of me determined what I thought of myself.  told you: "Runaway Bride".

That’s not to say I don’t enjoy days I get up early and go-go-go. I had a wonderful time working hard and long at Jenn’s charity event two weeks ago. And I had an incredible time attending Rosh Hashanah services with my friend Donna at her reformed synagogue last Saturday morning. Its just that I come away from it exhausted and longing for a "real" Saturday; one where I can just chill out and not go anywhere.

The crazy thing is, its taken me until I was nearly 41 years old (and two years of counseling) to really embrace this part of me and recognize that I am not sinning or wasting a day by spending the day as I have today, reading and napping and just hangin’ out. This is part of who I am, part of who God made me to be. Perhaps what they say about life in your 40s is true: you really do finally get comfortable with who you are and start not caring about what other people think. —Truthfully, I think its more the effects of my counseling, more about God using that time to transform me and teach me how to accept who I He made me to be, rather than an effect of age… but that’s just me.

I’m a huge introvert with a huge heart and love for people. My dad once pointed that out to me years ago, saying that I had been blessed and cursed with inheriting dichotomous aspects of both my parent’s personalities, but I couldn’t really understand it or embrace and comprehend the complexity of it then. My mom was such a people lover, and a huge extrovert. Huge. Dad was a huge introvert. It’s a testament to their love for God, His love for them and their willingness to partner with Him and with each other in this thing called marriage that they stayed together for 61 years of marriage, only separated by their deaths. I had the blessing (which sometimes feels like a curse) to be given dad’s introversion and mom’s huge heart for people.

People exhaust me. Being with them drains me of energy that can only be recouped by being alone. But people also fill my heart with unspeakable joy and deep pleasure. I love them and long to be with them. Finding the balance between my desperate need for alone time to rest and recharge and my desperate love for people and longing to know them deeper and more intimately has been a life-long struggle. But now that I live alone, I’m beginning to find that balance.

And the freedom (from self-condemnation) to have my pajama days and fully embrace and enjoy them. I’m finally recognizing that I am not wasting my day spending it the way I have today. In fact, I’m giving myself a much needed gift, a very good thing for my spirit and soul, as well as my mind and body.

I need the rest I got today. Between my age, my weight and the fact I’m titrating down to elimination my anti-depressant, my body needs even more this time to catch up on rest it’s not getting during the week. And my soul needs time to contemplate, time to absorb what it’s taken in, endured and experienced during the week. And my spirit, my sweet introverted spirit, just needs time to re-energize. I’m like my iPod. I need to be connected to my "source" and just left alone for a long while (in the case of my iPod and long, loooong while — sheesh, 5 hours and counting!) to recharge my battery. My friend, Wendy, calls it Selah. A pause. I guess Saturdays like today, my pajama days, are my Selahs.

I need more of them.

Do you have Selahs in your life? What do they look like for you? Are they Pajama Days, or Park Days or Library Days? How do you pause, reflect and recharge?

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Sharing the Day

Here are some other really cool peeps who share my birthday today:

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  • Mark Hammill — 55
  • Michael Douglas — 62
  • Catherine Zeta Jones –37
  • Will Smith — 38
  • Barbara Walters  — 75
  • Cheryl Tiegs — 59
  • Heather Locklear — 45
  • Scottie Pippin — 41
  • Shel Sivlerstein
  • Christopher Reeve

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Royal Bitch Mode

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Sorry for the language but it’s the only thing that fits my mood for the day. I was in a nasty snit all day and I really have no rational reason why.

I only know it started early this morning, perhaps when TiVo was trying to record something random for the umpteen millionth time when all I wanted was to watch GMA. It grew when I once again couldn’t lock my front door with my key because the lock is too stiff (guess it needs WD-40??) forcing me to lock it from the inside, go through the back door and lock that then walk through the wet grass (it rained early this morning) to get to my car. And it exploded fully with all the idiots on the road this morning who insisted on doing 10 mph in front of me down every road I went even though there was no traffic in front of them and the speed limit was 40+. Aaaauuugghhh!

My Royal Bitch Mode (RBM) continued unabated throughout work, as my boss found nit-picky errors in the formatting of the Budget Directives I was desperately trying to get out to our IT department for web publication. Poor man had to put up with me snapping and being utterly snarky at every turn.

The RBM kept its strong hold on me as I drove home, once again behind people going 10
mph down 35mph+ streets all because a few rain drops dared to fall on their cars. All the way to the grocery store I spewed forth words that would make a sailor blush.

It didn’t get any better as I walked the isles of Publix wracking my brain for all the4hiheels_1
things I needed to get (forgot to write a list), looking in vain for several items I really wanted to get and never found and failing miserably at avoiding all the children and haggard mothers creating chaos in every isle.

I know I was a complete and total bitch all day. I tried not to let it take me completely down, but the RB inside pinned me to the floor and took over in spite of my every effort. And no matter what I tried I could not get rid of the ‘tude and act like a lady.

I didn’t deserve any reward, but I gave myself one anyway — I guess for just surviving the day without killing anyone. I treated myself to something I haven’t had in nearly four months, a Starbucks iced chai latte (I broke the caffeine habit at the end of May). It tastes wonderful, and took the edge of the RB. Now that I’m safe at home and in my comfort clothes and watching my TiVo-recorded shows, the RB is calming down — Womanscreamingperhaps even getting sleepy.

Sometimes its a pain to be a woman — the hormones and emotions just boiling over and spilling out everywhere. It can be overwhelming. I don’t know if this was just hormones, or perhaps a side-effect from the tapering off of my antidepressants (I cut my current dosage in half last week in an effort — and under my doctor’s supervision, btw — to get off the antidepressants all together, taking at least a month or more to do so), or whether the RBM was just due to being so tired after a long and exhausting weekend, allowing emotions to flow more freely and without my usual filters.

It was all just so exhausting, keeping pace with the RB. She, or rather I — because it really is me, just a part of me I don’t like so much — can be a raging lunatic when I’m in that mode. It’s embarrassing, and yet I just did not have the energy today to fight itMuchado26_2
off.

Do men have to deal this this kind of stuff? Do you guys find yourselves struggling with
your emotions, or with bad attitudes — days when you are just a "bitch" for lack of a better word? I know my gay friends would have their bitchy days, but then again, they are more in tune with their feminine side than the average man.

What is it with us women, that we have such emotional spill-age??

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Sheesh. What a day. I pity the people who found themselves in my path today. All I gotta say is, I’m so glad the day is over and I hope I don’t have a repeat tomorrow (and yeah, I’m in an Emma Thompson/Much Ado About Nothing sort of mood).

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Lake Oconee

LakeoconeeduskwebMost of my pictures from the weekend are on Kat’s computer. She’s editing/touching up our pictures from the charity event and will send them to me on a disc as soon as she’s done. In the meantime, here’s a photo I took Friday night, when we arrived around dusk at the lake. Kat spent a little time putting a couple of filters on it and, voila – here’s the result.

We make a good team, Kat and I, don’t we!

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Satisfying Weekend

I drove down to Atlanta Thursday night to help a couple of friends with a charity event. Even though it was rather exhausting, I had a blast! It was great to see my LA friend Kat, and our Atlanta friend Jenn, neither of whom I hadn’t seen since last year’s boat show in Alabama.

Kat and I stayed up till the wee hours of Friday morning (4:30 to be exact) talking about deep things. And then spent the hour and a half drive up to Lake Oconee. We had a lot to say! šŸ™‚

My friend Jenn and her dad started this boat ride charity event for children with the Brain Tumor Foundation, Make a Wish and Startlite Foundation several years ago. Her dad died last year and Jenn recruited Kat and this year Kat recruited me.

The event was held at a wonderful little lakeside resort and all the kids had a great time taking rides on the Chris Craft boats and eating hot dogs and hamburgers. Despite three boats breaking down at the same time, the event came off without a hitch. Kat and I spent the day taking tons pictures and printing some out for each of the kids to take home as a remembrance for the day of fun in their otherwise pain-filled young lives.

It was so amazing and humbling to talk with these kids and their parents about their ordeals. So much pain and so many hopes dashed by failed surgeries, relapses and cancers that just won’t go away. And yet these kids are so resilient, so filled with joy! And their parents are so grateful for anything that brings a little normalcy and fun into their child’s lives. I can’t tell you how many times I was thanked for the boat ride event, even though I had nothing to do with the planning of it.

I loved seeing the smiles and expressions of complete joy on the kids faces. Especially when they got to take the wheel of a boat and "drive" for a little bit. My heart is truly full. It was filled that day just watching the kids have fun.

It got me to wondering why I don’t do things like this more often, charity events for sick children who need a little joy in their lives. I’ve often thought of volunteering at Vandy’s Children’s Hospital – especially as a cuddler for the littlest infants – but I’ve never actually filled out the paperwork. I keep thinking that I don’t have time at this moment, so I’ll wait till I have a little more time. I realized this weekend that I won’t ever have time to volunteer if I don’t just make the time. What have I been waiting for?

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The Path To 9/11

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I watched Part One of this two-part mini-series on ABC tonight. I have to say, I was blown away, both by the production values of this MOW (aka Movie of the Week) and of the information it provides.

It is excellently written, acted and produced. It could rival the best episodes of 24 in its suspense and realistic feel, though it did move rather slow in a few areas. But production aside, what it reveals of the events leading up to September 11, 2001 is insanely mind-bending.

Some of it it is already known, in the arrests of various Al Qaeda operatives on their way to, or shortly after, a terrorist attack. But at one point, we apparently had a clear and perfect opportunity to take out/arrest/kill Osama Bin Laden back in 1998, but was not approved at the last minute. Richard Clark, NSC for President Clinton and now an ABC adviser, defends the move saying that the CIA operatives there would have been cut down in the attempt and it would not have been successful.

I don’t believe him. And even if he is correct, wouldn’t it have been better to have tried back then, with the element of surprise on our side, than what has happened since? It seems to me that Clinton’s advisers and cabinet were more afraid of what their Boss and what the Congress would do to them if any Ops against Bin Laden and Al Qaeda than they were intent on protecting and defending the citizens of the US. And Clinton was far too busy defending himself because he couldn’t keep his paws of an intern to pay real attention to what was happening in the world, nonetheless in his own ranks.

It will be interesting to see what mistakes and missteps the Bush Administration made in the months and days leading up to September 11th. Because you know they made them. Ain’t nobody perfect in this world.

What I do admire about Bush is that once the attack happened, he came out and said what everyone in the Intelligence community knew since the early 1990s: we are at war with this guy. Bin Laden declared war on America, on Americans, on every single one of us unless we convert to Islam or until we are all dead. Every last one of us. He declared that back in the early 1990s. He made it known to the world. And September 11th was just one in a many attacks he’s made on us. But more importantly, Bush not only declared war, he backed it up with action. He was ruthless in his pursuit. That is, until Bin Laden took refuge in the mountains of an American ally, Pakistan, who still claims allegiance to us over Bin Laden/Taliban.

If Pakistan’s leaders really believe that, they must be completely out of touch with their own people, who are aiding and abetting Bin Laden and the Taliban even today. Personally, I think Pakistan’s leaders are playing both sides of the fence because they get benefits from being on America’s side but I think their hearts really belong to Bin Laden. That’s just my opinion.

Bush started so strong. He was kickin’ ass and takin’ names. But he seems so impotent now. What happened? What happened?  I have to wonder if He got so frustrated with Pakistan that it caused him to turn and kick Saddam in the balls, which drug us into an unwinnable position in Iraq. And somewhere along the way he lost his way.

Back to "The Path of 9/11", I can see why many Clinton loyalists cried foul over this movie though. It doesn’t shine the best light on Clinton. But that’s really Clinton’s own fault, not the fault of the 9/11 Commission or the filmmakers. He sucked at foreign policy. Even Clinton fans have to admit that. He just sucked at it. I don’t know if he just didn’t care, or if he just completely lacked comprehension of it.

Failure doesn’t belong just to him, though. It seems clear that it didn’t just filtered down through his underlings, but it had percolated unchecked through the intelligence and law enforcement agencies for years; perhaps due to Reagan’s failing mental health or the elder Bush’s lack of trust or belief in Reagan’s policies.  There was a gross lack of communication and trust between intelligence agencies and a whole lot of people who just didn’t see any of it coming till it was too large to stop.

Whatever you may think of Clinton or Bush, I think ABC actually made a very wise and valuable choice in producing this film. How many of us actually took the time, or would bother to take the time even now, to read the whole 9/11 Commission Report. But we’re all more than willing to watch a mini-series for a few hours, especially one that’s aired uninterrupted — as in without those stupid, pesky, annoying commercials. And perhaps some of us, like me, just might get curious enough to read the real thing and actually have a better understanding of the world we live in and events leading up to the attack that woke us up to the fact that we really are at war. Not because we declared it so, but because someone out there really does want us dead.

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Just Life and Stuff

Sorry for the silence here… I’m still alive — I haven’t died or gotten tied up and drug away by wild and nasty gnomes. Just haven’t had the energy to blog lately. Been pouring it into life, and other stuff.

Have you ever had so much to say, on so many topics, you don’t know where to begin or how to get it all out? That’s my problem lately. So much I’ve taken in and learned and experienced and now I just can’t figure out how to get it all on paper — or, rather, into my blog. It may ultimately take me many posts.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve started a new "program" (Weight Watchers — woohoo watch my weight go up and down and up again!!), fulfilled a wish I’ve had for several years and contemplated deep things of God.

Okay, so it hasn’t been the most adventure-packed of times, but it was enough to keep my mind whirling like crazy and my body aching for sleep. And now it’s given me mental/writing constipation. Too much that wants to come out all at once. Its kind of like when you don’t think through the timing as you cook a big meal and every dish is ready and must be attended to at the very same moment. Maddening.

My sister came out last weekend and both of us attended a 4-day taping of Beth Moore’s new Bible study, due out next September (’07). It was awesome — if not a little overwhelming. Those of you who’ve participated in one of her studies knows she gives a lot of information and a lot of insight in each weekly 50-minute or so session. Try taking in 6 of those in 4 days. Yikes! My head was spinning. But such good stuff! And it was fun just to get to see Beth in person, which had been a longing of mine for several years, and to see how things go in a "real time" study with her, rather than just the polished finished product on tape. Good, good stuff. Nina and I stayed up late into the night/morning talking each night about what we’d learned

I’ve been on Weight Watchers now for a week and a half. It’s going okay I think. Its a little more complicated than I thought — with all the points counting and such. But I’m getting used to it. I didn’t lose but about a pound last week due to all the late evening activity and a visit to the Cheesecake Factory on Saturday (yummmm!). Hopefully, I’ll do better this week.

Through all this, God has been speaking and moving and teaching and challenging. My oh my. I’ve learned much as we talked together and wanted to duck and pretend I didn’t hear when the challenges came. Yet I didn’t. And we are now walking through some places that are familiar, yet new. Forgiveness, Grace, Love –even when combined with dislike, all familiar, yet new every time I walk through them.

Finally, here’s a passage I’d nearly forgotten till Beth reminded us Saturday morning. It brought me hope; hope that I’d forgotten was there. Hope for not just the future, but for Today.

"See, it is I who created the blacksmith
       who fans the coals into flame
       and forges a weapon fit for its work.
       And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

"no weapon forged against you will prevail,
       and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
       This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
       and this is their vindication from me,"
       declares the LORD. — Isaiah 54:16-17

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The Reality of War – And a Rant for Good Measure

Has anyone noticed that we seem to be headed for global war number three?

North Korea launches rocket tests on our Independence Day, in defiance of warnings from several nations (including us), but with silent support from Russia and China. Trains in Mumbai are bombed. There’s still a war in Afghanistan, with passive support from Pakistan by hiding terrorists in in their mountains. Iran is building their own nuclear arsenal and thumbing its nose at America while Russia quietly stands behind them. Iran and Syria are supporting, both monetarily and with materiel, the continuing terror attacks on Israel by Hamas and Hezbollah. Saudi, Syria and Iran are supporting the terrorists still wreaking havoc on the Iraqi people under the guise of an "insurgence" against the infidels. The UK says there are at least 20 different terror cells somewhere within their borders. And then we’ve got the 8 American citizens (that we know of) who were plotting and planning terror attacks on their own country. (What are they thinking?!?!?)

If the world isn’t on fire yet, it soon will be; blazing like those out of control wild fires in Southern California.

I have friends who live in Israel. I have friends who live in Beirut (well, not any more; now they are fleeing north or west). Three years ago around this time I had planned to spend two weeks in Lebanon and Syria, and Christmas in Jerusalem. Those plans were canceled by my parent’s deaths. But I had hopes of visiting some day. Even now, everything in me wants to go there and do something. But what would I do?

To see the dead and wounded, on both sides, hurts my soul more than I can express. It breaks my heart to see the devastation and know that the rubble on the screen was once someone’s home, or someone’s place of work and income.

I received an email last night from some of those friends, telling of their narrow escape from Israeli bombs in their own neighborhood. It told of how their friends and neighbors reacted as the bombs fell. Among those were a 20 year-old who had a nervous breakdown even as the the rockets fell and bombs exploded; and a five year-old who, "crawled into a corner with fear on his face and froze there for the whole time.ā€

Oh, my heart grieves for the children! For everyone who must live through the horror of war.

How blessed, and how spoiled, we are here in America. We haven’t seen a war on our shores since our own Civil War over a hundred years ago. Yes, we were bombed  at Pearl Harbor, and yes we were bombed in New York and D.C. One-time attacks — which we swiftly exacted retribution for, btw — that are nothing in comparison to daily, hourly bombing runs of jets and rockets. We no nothing of real war.
Especially my generation.

My parent’s generation knew war. They lived through the first world war, through the depression and through the second world war. They knew what it was to suffer through desperate hunger, extreme unemployment and sorrowful loss of son after son after son. But most of them have now died.

We are left with the Boomers, and my generation and the one after.

Only our soldiers know of war now. And too often they receive our "national scorn" over battles and wars fought far away for freedoms we are so accustomed that we completely forget the rest of the world does not have them. We blame them for the decisions of compassionate leaders who choose to send our soldiers into harms way to liberate and offer the freedoms to others who have never known them in their national/ethnic history.

We whine about $3/gal gas yet buy another gas-guzzling SUV and drive 800+ miles on our various vacations through the year because airline prices are "too high". We cry about high healthcare costs, rising interest rates and increasingly expensive groceries yet we still eat too much (I’m preaching to myself here too, fyi), live beyond our means and insist on getting a battery of tests and a round of antibiotics every time we sneeze.

We obsess on conspiracy theories about JFK (I mean, come on! Put it to rest already), demand our rights be respected and insist on having everything our way, and cry "Global Warming"  while at the same time are completely oblivious to the  deep ongoing needs of the poor and oppressed of our world, trash any group who stands up for their own beliefs and convictions with the new hip epithet of "religious right" and label them "intolerant" all while driving our SUVs the 20 miles to work and 20 miles back, carry our groceries home in plastic bags (obviously you’ve never been to India or Ethiopia and seen how those plastic bags collect in rivers and lakes and cling to every desert plant; they don’t just disappear when you throw them away people!), and veto every public transportation bill because it’s too expensive or "it will create too much noise and draw ‘undesirable’ people to my neighborhood," or "bring down the value of my home."

Yes, we are a spoiled people, America. But I think our time is just about up. I think the rest of the world is about to give us a good swift kick in the ass.

Oh, we’ll kick back.

And beat the living crap out of them. But we will still pay a high price.

And perhaps, just perhaps, we will finally be humbled enough (or is that humiliated?) to finally see what our forefathers knew their whole lives: we have it really, really, reeeeaaally good; we are blessed beyond measure and its time we appreciated that instead of taking it for granted.

Okay, I’m stepping off my soap box… for now.

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Walking in Memphis

I spent last weekend (30th-2nd) in Memphis with a couple of friends from LA. We had such a blast! Not so much because we were in Memphis as that we were finally together again after six-odd years. I had not seen one friend in that long – she moved from LA in 2000. And the other I’d not seen in three years.

We spent most of the weekend talking and laughing and crying together. Catching up on each others lives and dreaming of the future, both near and far.

But we also got in a little tourist time. Memphis is such an interesting city. It’s got a rich history and incredible rhythm. I highly recommend taking a horse-drawn carriage ride through downtown. The guide we had was very knowledgeable of the city as well as just a wonderful person to get to know.

I also highly recommend eating at Cafe 61. BEST food I’ve had from a restaurant in quite a while. And while you’re downtown, definitely stop by The Peabody Hotel and wander through their lobby a while. They’ve got several areas where they tell of the history of the hotel and Memphis.

Lastly, you can’t go to Memphis without a little trip down Beale Street. Talk about a wild street party! Three blocks of nothing but club after club after club. Some are just dance and drinkin’ places but most are music clubs — kind of like Nashville’s many honky-tonks, except these are jazz and blues and a little rock. Great music. Cuh-razy vibe on the street. We didn’t go in any place. I’m not a big fan of clubs like that. It’s nice for about 5 minutes and then I get tired of having to text-message the people I’m with because no one can hear a thing. Loud music is one thing, but, yikes, club music is in a whole different decibel category.

The best part of our time, in my opinion, was spent at the wonderful Bed & Breakfast we stayed at, Magnolia Grove in Hernando, Mississippi. Tom, the owner, and his wife are wonderful people and cook up an incredibly tasty breakfast. They are also warm, welcoming people who treat you like royal guests in their home. There’s no standing on ceremony or legalistic sticking to the "rules". Just a smile and a "turn off the lights when you’re done." I will definitely stay there again.

They seemed to get a kick out of these three 40-ish (okay, Conna’s not there yet, but you will be soon…!) women talking and crying and laughing and carrying on like three teenage girls at a sleep over.

What a blast! Good times with good friends. God is indeed good to me.