Category Archives: Life

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Migraine

There’s some unseen demon hacking his way into the left side of my head. He’s been at it all day. He was extremely active during the afternoon.

Two Immitrex tablets, a diet coke (for some reason caffeine helps ease my migraine pain) and one heavy prescription sleep aid and the pain has finally subsided enough that I can sit up. As long as I don’t move my head. And as long as I move very slowly.

Nina and Toby are on their way here from South Carolina. Toby has a meeting in the morning, but I get them from around noon till Thursday afternoon. I’d say a huge "woohoo" if I didn’t think it’d wake the demon and alert him to the fact that his damage is currently being numbed by drugs.

I hope this thing goes away while I’m sleeping. I can’t be in this kind of pain and show off my city to one of my best friends.

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My Night With Donald Miller

Tonight a bunch of us from Mosaic Nashville went to hear Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz and Searching For God Knows What, speak at the Belcourt Theatre.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. So much hype has surrounded Blue Like Jazz… that always makes me nervous about a book. Is it really as good as they say? Will I be disappointed in it because it didn’t meet the expectations I created based on all I heard? For that matter, just because a person can write doesn’t mean they’ll be a talented public speaker.

So I went with mixed emotions and dialed down expectations.

I arrived a few minutes before the event was to begin because the "short nap" I’d chosen to take after getting home from work around 3:30p turned into a deep sleep from which Adria had some difficulty awaking me. She’d gone on ahead of me to meet up with our group and secure us a good place in line. However, I arrived to chaos; a sea of people and cars flooding 21st Avenue around the Belcourt. Turns out twice as many people had showed up as could fit in the theatre. Thankfully, the Belcourt’s management shifted their schedule and allowed Don — who also graciously shifted schedules — to speak twice. 7pm and 9pm. Even then, however, many of us didn’t get "tickets" to the 9pm show (the event was free, but tickets secured you a seat). One of our group decided not to go after he got his ticket, and go graciously gave his ticket to me.

It was worth the wait and the hassle.

Donald Miller is an exceptional writer, a dynamic speaker, a witty man, a kid at heart and a wise follower of Jesus. He spoke words that both confirmed my own experience and enlightened my mind to new truths. I left wanting to talk on for hours about all that he’d said, and yet at the same time deeply desiring to get alone with God and meditate on all that I’d just heard.

Only one other speaker has had that kind of effect on me. Erwin. That says a lot about Donald Miller. I hope his books are as good as he is in person.

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Louis Goes Home

I wrote this last night… but didn’t have the heart or strength to finish it.

January 4, 2005 9:10pm
Louis went home to Jesus about an hour ago. Wendy called me a few minutes ago to let me know…

Thanks everyone for your prayers for him.

Please continue to pray for Lou and Betsy as they learn to live without their only son.

God Bless You, Lou and Betsy. Your loss is profound and no one can truly fathom the pain you now feel. Don’t rush through this time, as your heart will beg you to. Don’t bury the pain under stoic faces, phrases like "he’s in a better place," and "at least he’s no longer in pain." Yes, his pain is over. But yours is just beginning. And God longs for you to let it out and express it in any way you like. He longs to comfort you in the midst of it — just has He has over the past few years.

My heart aches for you. I hardly know you, but was so blessed by your faithful ministry. And it grieves me to know the dark road that lies ahead for you. I lost both my parents within 6 days of each other in July 2003. That’s how I ended up back in LA, for a time of healing.

Lou, you were a huge part of that healing. Your ministry through music was like a healing balm to my broken heart. And you’re kindnesses, encouragement and praise of my mixing nourished my soul and gave me courage to try to fly again.

I wish I had beautiful music and soothing words of comfort to offer you. But I don’t. No one can know the path you walk now. Except God. He knows every inch of it. And He will walk every step of it with you. Try to remember that, especially in the darkness. You have walked so far already, and He has been there. He is faithful. He will be there. Always.

I’m praying for you daily.

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Prayer for the Pardinis

There is a man I worked with while at Mosaic Beverly Hills. His name is Lou Pardini and he’s an amazing keyboardist/songwriter/singer. He was/is the musical director for the worship team there. I loved, I mean, loved working with him!! All the musicians there were amazing. Such talent mixed with humility. Man, that was such an awesome experience! I loved mixing them. It was a pleasure every Sunday. I miss them. I miss mixing them….

Wendy’s been sending me frequent updates on Lou’s son, Louis, who was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and has been in the fight of his life ever since. She posted an update today and the news wasn’t good. And yet it was:

BTW: Just a side note… yesterday Scott, Narda, John & I went to the hospital to see Lou/Louis/ & Betsy. We had an amazing time talking and sharing with Lou… and hearing the things that God had been teaching Lou. I learned yesterday that Louis almost died on New Years Eve. It is a miracle truly that he is still alive. Keep praying for him. The doctors are now saying the last chemo was not good. Every day, every moment is a miracle. Lou shared yesterday that he had told his friends two years ago that he wouldn’t have another moment of joy until Louis was free from his cancer…. And he told us yesterday he could not believe the kind of joy that God had given him in the last two years… along with the pain was such incredible joy… and you know it shows… and it’s beautiful.

I understand so well what Lou is talking about. There is nothing more exhilarating, more joy-filling than crying out to God in pain, frustration, anger, confusion, agony, and suddenly realizing you are standing in His presence, His deep abiding love and grace raining down and soaking you, enveloping you completely in His joyful celebration of you, His passionate affection for you, His gentle compassion for your wounds. The pain is still there, the problems haven’t disappeared, the situation hasn’t changed. But yet you feel such a deep, abiding joy. A joy you can’t explain.  A joy no one can touch. You know God heard you. You know God is there with you.

It’s like when you’re a child and your dad is holding and rocking you after you’ve fallen, comforting you with cooing and kisses. Your knees are still all scrapped and bleeding, they still sting with pain. You’ll still have to go through a time of healing. And it will all hurt for a while. But sitting there on his lap, wrapped up in his strong arms, head against his warm chest, you know you are safe, and loved. And in that moment, all of life is okay.

There is nothing in this world that can compare to the experience Lou and Betsy have had. I believe it’s the essence of true worship.

Thank you, Jesus, so much!, for Lou, Betsy and Louis. They have been a blessing to so many… more than they will ever know. Thank you for giving them this life-changing experience. What a deep well of love and grace, mercy, strength and joy they have to draw from now! You are so sweet to drink from! So soul-nourishing!

Father, I don’t know what your will is. My heart cries out for Louis’ healing. To lose him now… it just doesn’t seem right to me. I know You say death isn’t the end, but it sure feels (and looks) like it from here. But I’m not You. I cannot see what you can. Please, Jesus, let Your will be done now. Let no man or spirit hinder Your will being done in the lives of the Pardinis. Please give each one of them the strength, courage and grace to face the coming days…. and years. All our minutes are in Your hands, Lord. We cry out to You for mercy. We need you, Jesus. Rain on the Pardinis. I know You will. Please, Jesus, move heave and earth to keep the enemy away from them, that they will continually sense and know Your abiding presence each and every day.

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Resolutions

I haven’t had New Years resolutions per se in many years.

Instead, what I do is to declare something that I’d like to learn in the new year, something I want God to teach me, something that I can discover, or rediscover or continue learning…

Then at the end of the year I summarize what I’ve learned (in my personal journal, the one no one will see until after I die) during the year. Often I realize that what I declared I wanted to learn is what I did indeed learn, but its almost always in ways I never expected the lessons to come. I’m almost always surprised to discover this fact. Life seems to sweep me along so much of the time, even though I determine to go "that-a-way," I so often find myself swept in what seems the opposite direction than I want to go. So, like "Much Afraid" in "Hinds Feet on High Places" I despair that I will never reach the high places I long to because my path is headed in the wrong direction, only to find myself closer than I ever dreamed when December 31st rolls around.

However, this year I’m breaking my no resolution tradition…. perhaps just for this year. We’ll see.

This year my one resolution is:
To Get Healthy.

There are four parts to that:
1) Physical — by losing weight through eating less and exercising more.
2)Emotional — by acknowledging and dealing with my emotions as I experience them
3) Spiritual — by spending significant time with God every day
4) Mental — by continuing to take my meds until my doc says the depression has been eliminated

I’ve already adjusted my grocery list to eat more veggies and fruits, but I refuse to go on any diet or deny myself the stuff I love. I know myself well enough to know I will never stick with such a thing. And what I do this year must become a permanent lifestyle thing so it has to be realistic and workable.

I once lost 40 pounds through the Weigh Down Workshop program. When I talked with my doctor a few weeks ago, what he described to me was pretty much what Weigh Down is: eating only when you’re hungry and stopping when your satisfied, which is a different feeling from full, and exercising three times a week for a half hour. Weigh Down also adds on that we often eat out of a spiritual, not physical, hunger. I can say a huge "Amen!" to that. 2004 was the year I ate myself sick trying desperately to simultaneously fill the holes mom and dad left and stuff down the grief and pain that daily threatened to swallow me whole. It didn’t work. All I accomplished was to add 30 pounds to my small frame. Weigh Down’s solution is to pay attention to what kind of hunger you feel. If you’re stomach isn’t growling yet you want to eat, that’s probably you’re spirit crying out for God. So feed your spirit instead of your stomach…

I believe with all my heart that Weigh Down provides me a great frame to lose that 30 pounds, along with another 20-30, in a healthy God-glorifying way. After all, it’s worked for me before — and not only did I lose 40 pounds, but my relationship with the Lord deepened greatly. That time was an amazing growth period for me, more than ever before.

But I’m also getting older. And I’ve realized this year that I need to start taking better care of me by exercising as well. It’s not so much about getting svelte for me, at least not this year, as it is about keeping my body flexible and healthy as I enter my 4th decade on this planet. I had to take a hard look at my past exercising experiences and admit that I’ve always taken on far more than I can handle, and done things that I mostly don’t enjoy, because I thought that’s how this physical fitness thing is done. That always ended badly, with me quitting after a while, frustrated, bored and discouraged.

I’m taking a more realistic route this time. Walking around my neighborhood, hiking some on the weekends (mild hikes to start with… I ain’t at Larry’s level yet!) and short visits to the gym in my complex. They have an elliptical machine — and I love those things! I also want to try rock climbing. Nashville has two climbing gyms. Helen climbs, or used to, and I’ve always thought that was very cool. I’ve wanted to try it for years but never lived near enough to a climbing gym to make it practical. However, the costs are rather high, so I may not get to heavily into it this year.

So why am I telling you all this? Well, I’m hoping ya’ll will help me with these resolutions. It would be great if every once in a while you could check in with me, ask me how I’m doing, help me stay on track and just generally encourage as I go along. And I will post updates as the year progresses — both good and bad.

I also hope that someone somewhere might get some encouragement on their own journeys to get healthy through reading about my journey. I’ve read through many different blogs over the years, and have gotten great encouragement from some of them as I read of their courageous determination to push through the pain in their quest to get healthy. I loved reading their stories and celebrating their victories. It gave me hope for my own life. That’s why I got into blogging in the first place; to bring hope to someone else.

So here’s to New Year’s Resolutions May we all see them through this year!

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Happy New Year

Well, it’s official. I’ve now entered the year I turn 40.

Yikes.

That thought didn’t occur to me until a few days ago. And I started getting nervous. Nervous of all things! Me. The kid who’s always wanted to be older than she was. Always looked forward to her next birthday, couldn’t wait to turn 30, and usually starts saying she’s the next older age about six months before her birthday.

For the first time in my life (besides 2003, which doesn’t really count ’cause that was my first birthday after mom and dad died) I so do not want to reach my birthday.

Whew…. I’d planned a much happier, more positive post for this particular moment. But… well… here we are.

On a happier note, I talked with Nina shortly after midnight here and things are going very well at her home. We laughed over a shared memory both of us thought of a minute or so before we each entered the midnight hour…

When we were kids we used to go as a family out on our porch at midnight on New Years– regardless of where we were living and the temperature outside — and bang pots and pans as loud as we could and yell "Happy New Year!" at the top of our lungs. Usually everyone else in the neighborhood were in their own respective yards doing something similar

We always had so much fun on New Years eve. Eating popcorn, left over Christmas candy (my mom made the most awesomely fantastic Christmas candy ever!!), and left over turkey and fixin’s from Christmas dinner, laughing, playing games, and often watching family slides — family slides were like a huge treat for us. I can’t think of anything kids have today that could compare to that sort of treat. Pity. They have so much they can do right at their fingertips that nothing is special anymore, nothing is a treat. Pan-banging was the climax of the evening. Usually once that was done mom and dad were ready for bed. As Nina and I got older we’d usually stay up much later, but I probably would conk out not long after the banging in the new year. I say probably because I can’t honestly remember.

I do remember one particular New Years where our new neighbors were not so keen on our chosen way of "ringing" in the new year….. We were living in Casper, Wyoming. It was our second New Year there. We lived in a new housing complex and the house behind us had just recently been built. As we were banging away on our pots and yelling out to all the world to have a Happy New Year on our back porch, our neighbor in the house behind us yelled out his window that nobody cared and for us to shut up. Dad and mom were really upset. I was embarrassed at being yelled at, and a little confused. Why weren’t these people ringing in the new year like the rest of the world?

The last couple of years I’ve had a strong desire to grab a pan and big spoon and bang the crap out of ’em on New Years’. I think that’s in part to keep mom and dad alive in some small way. But I’ve always been to scared to do it, for fear of upsetting the neighbors and getting yelled at again.

Isn’t that weird. Nearly 40 years old and I’m still intimidated by my neighbors. Maybe that’s something I should change in 2005….

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This Will Sound Strange…

…but why do we make such a huge deal about New Year’s?

A little while ago I watched the ball drop in New York. A few minutes ago CNN was showing how various countries rung in the New Year. Fox News is now broadcasting from someplace around downtown Nashville (we have 29 minutes to go…).

Why do we do this? When did this start? What makes flipping from 11:59p to 12:00m so special just because we also go from  December 31 to January 1…?

It’s just like every other night. This happens every 24 hours. Yet every 365 (or 366) days we make a huge party out of it. Why is that? Why do people feel the need to really party it up huge this one night?

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I think New Year’s celebrations are stupid or unimportant. I have several markers I "celebrate" every year. New Year’s is one of them. I just can’t seem to answer this particular question in a way that satifies my own mind. At least not tonight.

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Christmas Gift of Life

Jesus gave me a gift over 2,000 years ago. We celebrate the beginning of the gift Saturday — by giving gifts to others. Last Thanksgiving Nina and Toby introduced me to a new way to give. It’s called Pheresis.

Apheresis — Give Life, American Red Cross

In an apheresis (ay-fur-ee-sis) donation, from the Greek "to take away," donors give only select blood components — platelets, plasma, red cells, infection-fighting white cells called granulocytes, or a combination of these, depending on the donors’ blood type and the needs of the community. Apheresis is most commonly used to collect platelets and plasma….. A single apheresis donation of platelets can provide as many platelets as 5 whole blood donations. In addition, a platelet transfusion from a single donor greatly reduces the chances of an immune system reaction to the transfusion. Bone marrow transplant, cancer and leukemia patients whose immune systems are already compromised, benefit particularly from single donor platelet transfusions.

To date, I’ve given over one gallon (!!) of platelets and blood through this process. Its a little time-consuming, and a bit arduous, but it is worth every minute of discomfort to know that I’m providing a vital gift of life for someone like my friend Helen, who’s bravely fought cancer for several years now. Each time I give, I do it in Helen’s honor. Even though I know that my platelets will probably go to someone in need in the Carolinas, and not to Helen, who’s in Texas.

Nina made an appointment for us and yesterday we both went up into Charlotte and spent a few hours donating our platelets. Soon I hope to find a place in Nashville where I can give as well. I’m not smart enough to cure cancer, but I can at least do something to help. And I found out yesterday that since I’m O-Negative (blood type) I’m needed for more than just platelets… they need my red cells as well. Next time I plan to give both.

Please visit their website, call the number, 1-800-GIVE LIFE, and give the Gift of Life to a cancer patient this holiday season.

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Snow Day!

Today I played in the snow! I danced and sang and threw snowballs…. it was so beautiful! I don’t think there’s anything more magical than falling snow. All of nature gets quiet when it snows, as if it knows something sacred has entered the scene.

I started my Christmas vacation week with a crowded flight to Charlotte Saturday morning. Then we drove up to Boone, NC — up in the Appalachian mountains — for Nina and Toby’s annual "Longjohn Christmas Caroling". And, yes, I did don a pair of longjohns and join in the singing. They’ve even re-written some of the carols, things like "Walking in Our Winter Underwear," to mark this special 32-year tradition.

I feel more up for celebrating Christmas this year, though there are still many times I struggle through the day. There were moments even as we carolled and I put on my best holiday smile that the words were pinging against my heart and leaving marks in its softest places, especially those raw, empty places where mom and dad live. I guess the holidays will always be bittersweet for me now. I have yet to decide if the bitter makes the sweet all the sweeter, or if it just makes it different.

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Oh What a Night

Man, did I pack a lot into tonight… and not on purpose.

First I went to Mosaic… that took a couple of hours — eating, talking to people, then listening to John talk and Lindsay sing.

Then shortly after I got home Nina called. We talked for nearly two hours (a "short" conversation for us). While talking to Nina, my oldest sister Paula called. I called her back after talking with Nina and talked her ear off for about an hour and a half. During all this talking and listening, I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, cleaned up the kitchen and straightened up my room (can I get a hearty "WooHoo! We love headsets!!")…. I would have cleaned the bathroom too, but that would’ve been too noisy to really hear either of my sisters.

The last half hour or so I’ve been contemplating a variety of issues ranging from should Scott Peterson get the death penalty — while I’m pro death-penalty, I’m also pro-life… how do I balance these two convictions??… and, in the end, which will ultimately be the harshest punishment to fit Peterson’s crime? I gotta tell ya, I’m very, very glad I’m not on that jury! — to states rights, which I recently found out is a real hot-button phrase here in the South….

I wanted to, and planned to, go to bed early tonight, because I need to be into work early tomorrow. But I can’t get my mind to quiet down. It’s very excited about all these things that got churned up over the last few hours and it wants to chew on them. I wish I could convince it they could be chewed on while I sleep. Of course, that might make for interesting dreams….

Speaking of dreams, I had quite a crazy one this morning just before waking. I had fuzzy memories of it just after waking, but later in the day something triggered a memory of the dream, and I ended up spending all afternoon writing it down, picking it apart and sorting out it’s meaning. Afterward, I checked out a couple of "dream dictionaries" online, just to see if I could get more clarification on it through a few "universal" meanings of elements in my dream. Pretty much everything I read confirmed or backed up what I sensed was the meaning. On occasion it clarified some things… but mostly I look at those dictionaries a more fun than fact… dreams, like people, are highly individualistic. While I believe there are some things we universally identify with subconsciously, I don’t believe in that sort of thing happening across the board.

I won’t go into the details of the dream, but I will tell you that by the time I was done "analyzing" it I felt pretty confident that yesterday’s post wasn’t just pie-in-the-sky I’m-ignoring-reality-and-living-in-my-own-fantasyland stuff. My dream, to me, confirmed that my subconscious even believes I have turned a corner, that I’m getting rid of negative feelings, old patterns and moving into new, more positive ones, that I am conquering obstacles in my life, that I’m going through an inner transformation and have an internal passion that is being fanned into flame.

It was a wild dream, and took me on quite a series of adventures. Even just after awakening, as just the fuzziness of it remained, I felt… refreshed, is the best way to put it… like inhaling deeply of fresh mountain air early in the morning. Refreshing and invigorating. Later, when the whole dream came back and I was typing furiously to get as much detail out before it faded again, I felt even more invigorated. A good chunk of the dream had to do with something that would sound gross if I were to describe it, yet it’s something so very common to all our lives. So it was quite odd to have such a positive feeling and affect from dreaming about it.

Okay, just so you don’t go wading into the deep end and drown wondering what in the world I was dreaming… the portion I’m referring to had to do with pooping. Here’s what the dream dictionary had to say about this:

To dream that you have  a bowel movement, signifies that you are successfully getting rid of your  old habits/ways and thinking patterns.

I also dreamed of fire,

"Depending on the  context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolizes  destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment,  or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new  is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing…. it is a  metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also  represents your drive and motivation."

flying over and being in the mountains (specifically a mountain village),

If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things.
"To see mountains in your dream,  signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome.  If you are on top of the mountain, then it signifies that you have  achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth."

…and George Clooney… don’t ask. 🙂