3.029….. The price of gas per gallon I paid tonight 32……… The temperature it was outside as I drove home tonight at 8:30pm 2………. Pounds I keep playing with (not on purpose) for the last three months — losing, then gaining, then losing again. 2.0/4.0… The score I do not want to see on my submitted work (3.0 is passing), but which I’ve seen on two out of the five sections of my final. Thank God I can resubmit with revisions! 4.0/4.0… The score I can’t comprehend how I got on one of the sections of my final, but am not complaining that I got it. 30……… Number of days I’ve lived a whole new way of life, only with God’s help, in His strength and through His power.
Well, that last post was a bit odd wasn’t it. At least that’s what I keep thinking today…. you can always skip the rambling and just enjoy the videos. Welcome to my mind. It’s a scary place.
My good friend and co-worker left our office for the last time early today. She’s off to a new adventure in Atlanta. She made our office a bright and happy place for me to go; she was my ally in an office environment that can leave a girl feeling quite on the outside. I will miss her greatly.
For some reason today a particular piece of music from "A Knight’s Tale" kept coming to my mind. One strain of the melody, a particularly powerful trumpet line, kept reverberating in my head. It is the herald of the battle; of good versus evil. The possibility of triumph or tragedy. The bad guy cheats and injures our hero, William. But good and virtue win out in the end and William the thatcher’s son proves he really is Sir William the Knight.
At first I couldn’t understand why this music was in my head, and persistently so even though I haven’t watched the movie in months. The thing is, music is an integral part of who I am and how I think, how I remember moments in time and lessons learned. I think I’m just wired this way, to have a "soundtrack of my life" always playing in the background, recording lyrics, music and music cues from movies as they impact me and pulling them back up when I need to remember that lesson. So I knew this must be coming back to my mind for a reason. I just couldn’t think what.
After watching the final scene of "A Knight’s Tale" tonight, and crying all the way through (I am such a mess right now!) I realized what it is. The truth of the theme of this movie, that "one man — one woman — can change her stars," as well as the heroic measures William uses to change his.
But before I get to that, let me back up share with you a minor epiphany I had earlier in the day. Because I don’t own the soundtrack to "A Knight’s Tale," and I wasn’t going to buy the song on my iTunes at work, I thought I’d bury myself in some of the more melancholy music I did have in my iPod. I was, after all, feeling quite gloomy and sad with my friend’s departure. However, as I looked through my song choices, I had this powerful realization:
I need to stop being so morose about loss and learn to celebrate life even in my pain/grief.
Here’s the thing: For far too long in my life I have either denied the
pain of grief or wallowed in it. I have rarely used it to
catalyze me, to propel me into a new phase of life. I don’t say I’ve never done this, because I think I did use mom and dad’s deaths as catalysts to launch me into this new life, this Living the Dream Abundant Life I have now. And I’m sure I’ve done the same with some of the grief I faced as a child. It’s the smaller pains, the loss of a friend at work or a lost job opportunity that seems get me stuck in a huge mud puddle with a bunch of pigs.
I don’t want to
live this way anymore. I don’t want to wallow in my pain. I want to celebrate the friendships I have while also
grieving the loss of their close proximity; to grieve the lost opportunities and at the same time celebrate the advances I’m making in my education and the investment in my future. I want to stop being
an either/or person and start being a both/and one (Barney, it wasn’t
planned, but that one’s for you!).
But here’s the other thing: I have a tendency to believe that everyone but ME can change their stars; that I’m stuck with the ones I was born with. Or at least that’s the way I live, even if I say otherwise with my lips. But what I apprehended tonight is that I really can change my stars. Me. The youngest of the Everetts. The last in everything. I can trade in my either/or life for a both/and life. I can change my stars. But it’s going to cost me something. And maybe its time I paid that price.
The hero of "A Knight’s Tale" is William, a thatcher’s son, who takes on the
persona/identity of a knight when the knight to whom he was squire
suddenly dies. Eventually his ruse is discovered and he is imprisoned. But not before winning pretty much every jousting competition he enters, as well as the hearts of not only the public but also
Prince Edward, who sees William’s character, his valor, honesty,
integrity and graciousness and recognizes the heart of a knight. The prince frees William and knights him Sir William just in time for the final
jousting competition where William faces his arch rival, Count Adhemar.
After struggling through a second round with his injury from Count
Adhemar’s cheating in the first, William strips off his armor, which
while offering protection, is so bent up that it restricts his breathing. His injury makes it impossible for William to properly hold his lance, so he has it strapped to his arm so he won’t drop it. He
will either suffer major pain and die in this last joust, or he will
enjoy an unprecedented victory. He patiently waits as Adhemar charges,
finally charging himself at the last second. As William closes in and strikes Adhemar, he shouts,
"Williiiiam!" his own name, which up till now he hadn’t used because he
was just a thatcher’s son. Now a knight, he can be who he always was. He unhorses Adhemar, soundly defeating him
and forever changing his stars.
Did you see it? William had to strip of the very armor that was meant to protect him and strap his lance to his arm so there was no chance of dropping it. It was a unhorse-or-be-killed-moment and William wasn’t leaving himself any outs; any last minute exit strategy.
I have worn an armor over my heart most of my life. Yet, just like William, I still end up injured. I’m not saying I should not ever guard my heart, but you know, I think that armor is, right now, keeping me from changing my stars. I think it’s time to lose it, at least for this particular joust, strap my lance to my arm so there’s no chance to drop it and charge into my future, my both/and life, shouting the name my Father gave me.
———– This first video shows the final joust. The trumpet calls you hear are the ones that echoed in my head all day today. This first one ends just before William charges. The second one picks right up at his charge and flows through the credits. There is a "reward" for those who watch till the end of the credits (or fast forward to the end). š I love this movie!
Can someone please tell me why the chorus to Bon Jovi’s song "It’s My Life" suddenly, and quite randomly, I might add, started playing in my head and is now stuck there like bubble gum on a the soles of my Nikes?
And, of course, I don’t have it in my iPod. So now I’m sitting here workin’ away while under my breath I’m humming/growling, "It’s my life….It’s now or never …. hhmmmmm gonna live forever… I just want to hmm-hmm-hmm while hmm-hm-hmmmm…It’s my life… My heart is hmm-hmm-hmmm…hmmm-hmmm…I did it my way. I just wanna live while I’m alive… It’s my life…." Repeat and rinse. It’s been ages since I heard this song, and now I can’t think of anything else but. It’s gonna be a long afternoon till quittin’ time.
PS — For all those who don’t speak "hum," here’s the real version:
It’s my life It’s now or never I ain’t gonna live forever I just want to live while I’m alive (It’s my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just wanna live while I’m alive It’s my life
I am prone to Migraines. These days they are mostly hormonally driven, which is good because it means I can track them and prepare, and that they herald other, um, changes headed my way.
However, in the last two days I have had three really bad Migraines complete with visual disturbances. Yesterday afternoon was the first, and I felt I dodged a bullet by taking Advil Migraine as soon as the first little "squiggly line" appeared (I only take Immetrex when I’m in a place where I can lie down and sleep because it tends to knock me on my butt) and that seemed to keep the pain to a dull roar. This morning I woke up with only minor discomfort in my head.
However, this afternoon, at nearly the same time as yesterday, those horrid squiggly lines reappeared. They are awful because they obstruct my vision and make it impossible to read or write anything. They used to start on the outside of my vision and move inward and around, effectively giving me tunnel vision. These days they often start at the center of my field of vision, kind of like the annoying dots you see after a camera flash goes off in your face, and just keep building outward. I can see, but I can’t really make out any details.
At any rate, when those buggers came back today at nearly the same time as yesterday, I started getting a little concerned. It is unusual for me to have two in a row. I took the Advil Migraine again, but the pain today has been much worse than yesterday. I canceled my strength training session, went home and crashed on the couch — keeping it dark and quiet — and the pain eased up.
However, just about an hour ago those blasted squiggly lines started up again. And now I’m in tremendous pain, even though Immetrex is now coursing through my system.
I don’t get it. The last time this happened was four years ago, and it became quickly apparent that my daily dose of delicious Gouda cheese was the culprit. Within a day of cutting out the Gouda, the Migraines ceased. But I haven’t had a daily dose of cheese in a long time, and I can find no similar pattern in my recent diet to cause Migraine-repeaters.
Anyone out there got any ideas what the heck is going on with me?
…to me! One year ago today I found my Sassy (full name: Sassy SamanthaStarbuck — the triple-S threat! — after two of my favorite women television characters). You can read about the adventure here, here and here.
…AND to my beautiful, passionate sister, Nina, and her amazing
husband, Toby. They were married on a gorgeous South Carolina spring day 15 years ago. I got to be there and witness their union as the Maid of Honor and I don’t think any of us Everett girls (except maybe my oldest sister, Paula, who always manages to hold it together in public) had a dry eye during the ceremony. I think mom started the water works, and once I looked at her, I was done.
I have to admit, my tears were quite selfish. It felt for all the world to me like I was losing my best friend. Our relationship would never be the same. That last part is true, but thanks to God and Nina, the first part never was. Our friendship has just grown deeper through the years. I am so proud and so honored to call her not just "sister" but one of my best friends.
Congrats on 15 wonder-filled adventurous years, sis!! And here’s to the next 50+! š
So where’s Los Angeles on this list of worst drivers? It ain’t there!! See, I knew it all along! This article proves that LA drivers are not crazy or "the worst", it’s all the idiot out-of-town drivers from South Carolina, Missouri and Tennessee that screw it up for everyone. I feel completely justified now in my frustration with Nashville drivers.
I can’t decide whether to say, "it’s about time!" or "too little too late" regarding Pac Man’s suspension from the NFL. One the one hand I’m glad he’s finally no longer getting away with murder on and off the field; finally he’s getting called on the carpet for his atrocious behavior. On the other hand, one year?!?!? Only one year?!?! Come on, guys. His career should be over. Honestly, this should have happened last year. — You know, I’d be a Titan fan if it weren’t for Pac Man. I can’t stand to watch the team when he plays. Even if he plays well I know eventually he’ll screw it up by letting his temper get the best of him. He needs some serious help and the Titans weren’t doing right by him by continuing to employ him and allowing him to play without consequence. At least the NFL has the compassion and wisdom to require counseling for the dude. He needs it. As for the Titans, they need to fire Jones and use his huge salary to get some consistently good players. I hope the Titans kick butt and take names this season, and prove to the owners they don’t need the expense of Pac Man Jones to have a quality, winning team. —- Of course, this comes from a girl who knows little to nothing about how NFL teams work. I just like the game.
This is so sad. I have to admit, I never paid attention to Johnny Cash while he was alive, and didn’t know much about him at all until I watched "Walk the Line". Even now I’m not a huge fan but I appreciate his music, his legacy and his heart. To hear people talk about this house, its as if it was as much a part of Johnny’s legacy as his music. I’d heard Barry Gibb was planning to turn at least part of it into a Cash museum kind of thing and that’s part of why they were renovating it. Anyway, I feel bad for everyone involved. It kind of feels like we’ve lost a piece of American history. —- Not to mention the teenage-rabid-Bee Gees-fan in me was desperate for some Barry Gibb sitings around town. Looks like that ain’t gonna happen any time soon.
Yeah, but can he carry other states? Or at least enough to win against Hillary or Obama? I like Fred Thompson as an actor, and I wish I’d lived here when he was a senator so I could judge his politics. But as much as I like him, I worry that even if he gets the nomination, he won’t be electable. I need a whole lot more information about his platform before I can get on this boat. — And by the way, what the—is this little gem from the Tennessean?
When former vice president and Tennessean Al Gore is added to the list of declared and potential candidates, Clinton’s lead slipped to 28 percent to Gore’s 25 percent.
Has Tennessee lost its collective mind?!?!? He’s out of Tennessee politics for a few years and you forget what an idiot he is (can you say the 2000 debates? sure you can! Here’s a good site to remind you, in case you forgot)? Come on, Tennessee, he didn’t even carry his own state in 2000. Don’t get stupid now just because Hollywood is slobbering mad for him. He hasn’t changed.
Finally, I am so sick of this story. When, I ask you, when will it finally go away?? I didn’t care about Anna Nicole’s life when she was alive, I certainly don’t care about it now that she’s dead. Can we please let her and all her drama rest in peace and actually get back to real news??? — On a side note, however, I feel so very sad for this little girl. She is gonna have some major abandonment and trust issues, with all this crap that’s gone on around her during such a crucial bonding time in her little life. As a woman whose mom was struggling with depression and incredible fear of her husband dying in Vietnam during the first 8 months of her life, and who didn’t see her dad for the first 8 months, only to have him leave again for a year when I was maybe 2 (I really can’t remember), I get how all this chaos, depression and loss is impacting her little soul. It breaks my heart.
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I feel like a dork. Here I thought I was blogging on the "latest news" only to finally catch up on my reading over at Nashville is Talking and discover I’m nearly12hours behind the rest of Nashville. Such is the life of a full time career-girl/student, who spends her days buried in PowerPoint presentations and her nights buried in the books.
I don’t think I get it yet. I don’t think I’ve connected yet with what this whole Abundant Life thing is all about.
I keep getting confused. I keep thinking it’s all about doing something. Whether its great or small doesn’t matter. Its just about doing something. But that doesn’t seem to be God’s intention for me.
Oh, I’m doing stuff. I’ve been so buried in school work lately that I’ve barely had time to think. And I’ve also got work and church stuff and friends…
I’m talking about the Big Mission Thing; that big Purpose for living thing that most people seem to have (or is that just my imagination?). You know, that thing that grabs you and holds you in its grip and says, "you must see me through to the end. Only you can do it!" with so much intensity that you cannot refuse. I hear people talk about it all the time. About how this one thing took hold of them and they had-had-had to see it done. Or how they’ve dreamed about a particular thing all their lives and just couldn’t rest until they’d accomplished that.
I have no such cause, no such dreams, no such… anything. I’ve always wanted one. Just one, I’m not selfish. I don’t need a bunch. I just wanted one powerful, compelling all-consuming Mission to overtake me and drive me down a path of radical change for the world around me. But I never got it, never had it. Not even one.
I just have life. And God. And that’s it.
He keeps asking me why that’s not enough. Why He’s not enough for me.
I don’t have an answer. At least not one that makes sense. I mean, how do you tell the God of all creation, the Alpha and Omega, the God who’s so compassionate and gracious that He gave His own life so that I could live without condemnation, how do you tell Him that He’s not enough?
That’s why I say I don’t think I get it yet. God seems to want me to just Be, to just rest in Him and be who He’s transforming me into,while everything in me screams that I must Do; that doing is the only thing that makes life worth living. "Without the doing, what’s the point??? I can ‘Be’ in heaven. Why leave me here??"
God doesn’t answer that question, except to say, "for My good pleasure."
Great. I’m some chew-toy for God? That’s nice.
For those of you newbies just stopping in, this may seem disrespectful. I assure you, I have the greatest respect for God. I once heard Beth Moore describe agape love as "high regard or esteem". That’s an over-simplified paraphrase of her 45-minutes on the subject, but it serves my purpose here. I do hold God in the highest regard/esteem. He is my life. He is my Beloved. He is all I have.
Perhaps that’s part of my struggle. It scares me out of my mind to put all my hope and trust in one place. Its not…. it’s not "safe".
But I’m not meaning disrespect with my chew-toy comment. I’m just pissed off that God won’t give me what I ask for. And God seems to know that I will eventually come back and sit with Him, ready to talk about it again.
This is an on-going battle I have with God, this need for Purpose beyond just "Being". And I suppose, like Jonah, I’ll be stuck in this particular whale belly until I can truly surrender to it. I’m trying. This weekend I again wrestled with God over it all, with neither of us giving an inch. I’m just not ready to surrender yet to something that makes no sense to me at all. I just don’t get it yet.
Okay, I’m done. I’m over the fascination with cold weather and "seasons". I want my California weather back, please.
I am so stinkin’ cold it ain’t even funny. It hasn’t gotten above about 40 degrees in weeks. Weeks, people! How do people in the north do it??? How do they take the cold??
I am so not made for this. My feet are freezing. My hands are freezing. My whole body’s cold. And I’m inside, people! Inside!! Where the temperature is a balmy 68 degrees. While outside its freaking 31 29 degrees and dropping. But, oooo, we’re supposed to get a "great warm up" tomorrow, say the weather people. All the way up to 40 degrees. Woohoo.
Look, I don’t mean to sound like a whiner, but, well, I guess I got completely, perhaps even too acclimated when I lived in India. Because ever since, anything under 75 degrees is not comfortable to me. And anything under 68 is just plain cold. Anything below 55 is inhumane and unlivable.
Yeah, so India was six years ago… so what’s your point? I can’t help it if I never re-adjusted to American weather. And I did live in the Med for a year. That didn’t help the weather re-adjustment, either.
Speaking of the Med,
I want to be here, in this picture (perhaps even with this man…hmmm, yum!)!! Right here on this beach. I can’t believe that I actually long for a Cyprus beach, but I guess that’s what desperation does to me. Makes me long for places that I have very little happy memories of. Just so I can get out of the stinkin’ cold and finally feel warm.
Here’s another spot I’d love to be. Hawaii. Oh, please,
God, send me to Hawaii!! I can’t take the cold of Middle Tennessee anymore. I want to live on a warm sunny beach and play in the sand. All year long. I want 80 degree temperatures and the smell of summer rain. I want thunderstorms and warm breezes. I want summer, people! Summer!
But instead, I get to go out to the movies tonight in 20-something weather and cold, cold wind. I have to put on so many layers and wrap up so much just to be comfortable that I feel like Ralphie’s little brother in A Christmas Story: "I can’t put my arms down!"
