Category Archives: Leadership & Teaming

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Disappointment

I walked into the Convivium Wednesday night thirsty; in desperate need of a community to come along side me and just love on me. What I walked into was a gathering of of like-minded people. What I got was a business meeting. What I left with was a heart even heavier and thirstier than when I went in.

What do you do when your ministry team isn’t a community? Should I even be looking to them for that? Am I expecting too much from them? Should I be looking for my friendships and companionships elsewhere?

Should I even be in ministry right now? I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. I’m struggling with depression, on anti-depressants, in counseling…. I can’t even give a hundred per cent at my office because I can’t focus, can’t sleep, can’t….

No one is getting my best. No one here is seeing me at my best. I just don’t have it to give. I try my hardest, but it’s just not there… what I know I’m capable of, it just won’t come. And I feel all the sadder, because no one is getting to see the best of me.

The exhilaration of life I felt just last weekend as I drove over the mountains and soaked up all the beauty and majesty of Tennessee and the Carolinas has vanished. I remember what it felt like, but I no longer feel it.

But I still feel God’s presence. Like a mother hen gathering her chicks, He gathers me under His wing and holds me close. No answers. No insight. No words, except a whispered, “oh, my sweet, sweet child! It’s okay. I’m here.”

He never disappoints. Never. Everyone else around does, at some point. Most not maliciously, or even consciously. It’s just the nature of us humans.

But God, He’s not human. He took the form of one once… but not the shape. He doesn’t act like us at all. He never disappoints. Never.

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Convivium

[Latin]–a feast or banquet; or, more broadly, a living together, from con + vivo.

Once upon a time, long ago, people ate meals together. Sometimes these meals would last for days. Sometimes merely hours. Sometimes it was merely the breaking of bread and drinking a bit of wine. Other times a fatted calf was killed and a party ensued the like of which you ain’t seen in, well… ages. People not only at together, they talked. In between bites, or perhaps, when the conversation got good, during bites, they would share their opinions, beliefs, convictions, the latest joke they heard, and all manner of things with each other.

Those were the days, eh.

What’s happened to our world? We go out to eat, but the restaurants are so loud we can’t really talk. We talk on the phone but are too busy to really delve deep into the reservoirs of each others minds. We gather over coffee at Starbucks or Fido and tell each other about the happenings in our lives, but we never listen to each others hearts. Nor, sadly, to we share our own.

Tonight is Convivium. Every other Wednesday Mosaic Nashville’s launch team gathers together to feast, not on food, but on words. Each other’s words. It’s a time to live together, to dine together at the table of our God. Where His Word and our words come together in a glorious feast that satisfies the soul’s hunger and thirst for true community.

We don’t get it right all the time. Sometimes our souls walk away still thirsting. Sometimes our hearts walk away bruised. But we’re a convivium of imperfect humans, so how can we expect our relationships with each other to be perfect?

Tonight I go to Convivium with a very deep soul hunger. The last few days have left me raw inside; beat up, wiped out, and sad. Very sad. Tears roll for no immediate reason. Please, God, let this evening be Your time. Let it be a true Convivium, what it was designed by You to be: a place where I, and every other soul-hungry teammate, can feast at Your table.

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.” — Isa 55:1-3

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Truth & Love

Not much time to post this week. It’s the week before the presidential elections (for those of you living in a cave…) and the organization I’m temping for is very actively involved in the process —- and I work in the Public Relations department –read, dealing with the press — which means things are cranked up a bunch of notches. šŸ™‚ It’s fun. I’m likin’ it — a lot! — but it’s also very crazy-busy.

But I have to tell you what happened tonight.

In my friend Wendy’s blog, we’ve been having a great discussion on what it really means to "speak the truth in love" (Eph 4:15 — "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ."). It’s a really interesting conversation. I encourage you to check it out… but a quick warning too. If you think my posts are long, watch out for Wendy! She’s a woman after my own heart… and fingers… šŸ™‚

I won’t go into the whole discussion except to say that I’ve had people in my life use that verse as an excuse to "confront" me "in love" about things they perceived as "sin" in my life. Sadly, I myself have been guilty of using that verse for the same purposes.

As I’ve walked through the last year… and especially the last few months, one thing that God keeps driving home to me is to be honest with others about who I am, where I’m at and what’s going on inside me. And as I read through various passages on speaking truthfully, God drove that point home time and again. Live truthfully. Be honest with others about myself. If something bugs me or frustrates me, just be honest, without trying to find some Biblical principle that is being violated as a means of justifying my point of view. Why can’t I just say, that just bugs me, please don’t do that around me.  …???? Why do I feel such a need to play Holier-Than-Thou??

Then Sunday night arrived. John changed things up and surprised us with an "adventure" that was meant to make us uncomfortable — and hopefully shove most of us out of our comfort zones.

It worked. I was frustrated, to the point of anger and nearly in tears. I wanted to just go hang out at the park, eat food and listen, like we’d been doing for a couple of months now. Instead, I found myself in a car with Lindsey, on my way to Borders to "meet at least one, and as many as three, people". To what end, I wondered? For what purpose?? It’s one thing to plan an evangelistic event, another to plan a cultural learning event… but this felt like neither… and I was lost. Without a task, I just don’t quite know what to do with myself. A task gives me a purpose for doing… whatever it is I’m doing. I didn’t completely know that about myself until Sunday.

And besides, I talk to people all the time. Every place I go, I end up in conversations… I can’t decide if it’s my mom’s influence on me, or dad’s for that matter, my cultural learning training from my numerous times overseas that kicks in, or just God’s imprint on my life… but I just can’t help myself but chat with whomever is serving me at Starbucks, the checker at the store, the people around me as I shop… even people I pass on the street. So, what the heck?!?! Why was John forcing me to go out and do something I already do, and talking as if it’s something new. Ugh!

But God kept whispering to me that perhaps my attitude wasn’t as warranted as I thought… perhaps He wanted to do something… perhaps Lindsey needed this exercise… perhaps… perhaps…

I couldn’t help myself… the first person we decided to engage, I was into it and getting to know him before I even realized what I was doing. The next person I thought I’d hang back, see if Lindsey engaged… She tried, but floundered. I jumped in and off we went into really interesting stuff about Sharon… cool woman. I could relate to her and honestly, I think I fell a little in love with her (a little in love… is there such a thing as a little in love????). Third person same song. I saw patterns and themes emerging. My heart expanded, and filled with both the excitement and pain of new love.

Dang it! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a lousy time so I could feel justified in my frustration. It just added to my overall frustration over the evening.

We met back at Fido for dinner and some talk. Events conspired against us. The normally dead-on-Sunday-evening Fido was bustling with activity. It was hard to hear. The food was too expensive and I had no cash. A headache developed from not eating. My frustration returned.

And didn’t abate throughout the week. I prayed. But every prayer turned into another rant. I wanted to talk to John. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got… I don’t even know fully why…. I felt left out. I felt unknown. I felt misunderstood. I felt under-utilized — no, I felt not utilized at all. Feeling cascaded over feeling, dropping down in a crazy waterfall of emotions. What the heck was going on??? Can I just chalk it up to PMS and be done with it??? Nope.  That didn’t work either. I built argument upon argument in my mind of what "Biblical principles" were not being followed and how my needs weren’t being met because of it… and I was gonna "speak the truth in love", doggonit.

Then tonight arrived. The appointed time (every other Wednesday evening) for our "Convivium" (I have no idea if I’m spelling that right), our team meeting, And I had a spiritual epiphany. I discovered what speaking truthfully and speaking that truth in love really looks like. And how much it can accomplish. And how amazingly liberating it is.

First, let me say I’d circled the neighborhood for a half hour because I was early and I just wasn’t ready to go in… something was burdening my heart and I needed time to get to the root of its cause. I realized the cause was that I missed God. My spirit was ravenously hungry for Him. This discovery was quite on accident. I’d popped in a cd Ron and Leticia recorded for me and the songs took me straight to God’s throne, like the aroma of fresh hot popcorn compels you to find the source. I sat in a nearby parking lot, listening, singing, just being alone with God. Finally, He nudged me to go… I was late now.

Perhaps that time helped me release some frustration… Perhaps what I really needed was to connect with the heart of God, instead of running from it… perhaps it was the fact that during our team meeting we just spent time really getting real and opening up to each other, for the first time, really. I don’t know… But whatever it was, I felt free enough to bring up my frustration over Sunday’s adventure in a way I’d not even considered doing, and hadn’t done in a long time. Instead of pulling out my Bible and using it as a weapon, I was just honest about my experience and my personal frustration.

It opened up doors to a full-on conversation where I learned a lot, gained a different perspective, understood the situation better and came to trust John and his leadership more, and respect him more deeply as well.

I’m still in awe over the whole experience. I wish I could say I had something to do with all this. But I know I didn’t. I had no intention of approaching the subject that way — if I approached it all. God did it. He did it all. All I did was take an opportunity that presented itself, took a deep breath and opened my mouth. God did the rest. The words, the attitude, the tone of voice… the honesty… none of it was what I’d planned or rehearsed in my head.

There are times in my life where I feel like I just received a kiss on the cheek from God. Tonight is one of those moments.

What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.
    Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry–but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life….
       Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. — Ephesians 4:25-26, 29 (The Message)

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Ch-ch-ch-changes

So much is happening, all at once. You know the old saying, “it never rains but it pours”… or how ’bout “either feast or famine”…? That’s my life. Yep. That’s it all over. I’m either in the middle of a drought, or in the middle of Hurricane France-Ivan-take-your-pick-or-all-at-once-yeah-why-not.

Last Tuesday I had the decision on the apartment made, and was finally at peace with the idea of living by myself for a while and not having a steady income for a bit. Wednesday God sent the hurricanes in the form of a two phone calls.

“Adria is coming down for the weekend to look for apartments. Turns out her living situation was only gonna be a temporary one… you two should get together.” I was late for an appointment and didn’t pick up John’s call. His message threw my mind and emotions into chaos. “I’ve finally made a decision, and made peace with solitude. What ARE you doing, God??”

It took nearly a day to quiet the cacophony coming from my heart and mind. But after talking with Adria over the phone, I realized just what a blessing God had just thrown into my life. It’s not that now I have someone to share a place with, or split the bills with, though those are added blessings. No, it’s Adria. That’s the blessing. Quiet, quick witted, intelligent, laid back. This girl is cool. And she’s got so much potential. I can’t wait to see what God does in and through her in the next year.

So, anyway…. just as I had begun to get things inside me quiet again, the second call came. “It’s Ben, I finally got a hold of the guy at the SBC. His situation is changed some and he now nees an assistant as well as a project coordinator, and he’s interested in talking with you. He’ll be calling you in the next day or so….”

I’d wondered if I really wanted to work for a Christian organization. And especially wondered if I’d really fit with true SBC-ers. I’m an urban girl. I may look all conservative and quiet on the outside, but my ideals and worldview, not to mention my attitude, are urban, and…. a little beyond postmodern, for lack of a better term. The SBC is just now catching on that the age of modernity is over. Putting me in the SBC is kinda like putting the Dixie Chicks in the Republican convention. Entertaining as heck, but not very productive. So I’d kinda written the whole possibility off… and with Kerry not responding to Ben’s calls and emails, I figured God had written it off too.

After a phone interview Friday morning and hour and a half face-to-face interview later that day, I walked out of the SBC headquarters with a request to freelance (temp) for this department for a while (see how we all fit together) in my pocket and a desire to work for this compelling, intriguing man in my heart. Don’t get excited. He’s married and I’m not interested in that way.

Every once in a while someone incredibly brilliant, talented and cutting edge crosses your path and you have to make the most of it when it comes. This guy is pushing, pulling and kicking the SBC into the 21st century, and into the arena of ideas, where the rest of the world lives. I’d be a fool to pass up the opportunity to work with him, pick his brain, and learn from him. Besides, he’s fun to be around, he doesn’t seem to take himself or all the work stuff too seriously. A definite must for me in my work environment. I’ve had far too many bosses who take work too seriously, and I’m just too old for that kinda crap anymore.

So here I am, a week after I thought I had it all figured out and nothing is as I had thought it would be. Judge Amy Gray was right, life really is like water seeking it’s own level… life wants to be messy.

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Square Peg, Round Hole

I don’t fit in here. I don’t know where I do fit. I wish I did.

Last night we had our second “Gathering” in Centenial Park. Most of the team was there… minus the Shanklin’s, who’ve gone back to Indiana to pack, Tim who’s in Indiana working on a plan to come back — and Jared and Noni, whom I’m hoping and praying real hard will come out. So, okay, not everyone was there. But most of us were. And we had two other girls and two new guys.

I tried to fit in, I really did. But I’m not in college, like the girls and one of the guys, or working with college kids, like Mike and his roommates. I’m not an artist, or in any form “artsy” like Brian, Josh, Tim, Jared, Noni and Jamie. Nor am I a mom, like Dawn and Elizabeth. And I’m certianly not the extrovert people magnet Jamie is. Where do I fit? Where do I find people like me here in Nashville? Older, single, no kids, with a career goal of following Jesus no matter the cost…?

I cried most of the way home. I miss my life group in LA. I miss Cassie, and her enveloping hugs. I miss Debbie, and the depth of her spirit. I miss Wendy and the depth of her love. Her heart is such rich soil! I miss Kat. I just miss all of Kat! šŸ™‚ I miss Ron and Leticia… and… just getting lost in Mosaic. In the worship, in the atmosphere… I miss being anonymous in my comfort zone. I can be anonymous here, but it just ain’t anywhere near my comfort zone — and if you’ve ever been to a “southern” church and also to Mosaic, you understand what I mean!

Here there’s no where to hide. Not in Mosaic, anyway. But yet, even though I stand in the light exposed, I can’t find the little hole labeled “Lu’s hole”. I’m too square to fit in the round artsy holes where the rest of the team resides, and too round to fit in the square holes where the churches here all reside.

I feel like I’m back in high school, sitting on the theatre steps, wishing I was either cool enough to fit in with the hip crowd, or funky enough to fit in with actors and other artists, rather than sitting there alone in all my weirdness eating my pb&j….

No matter how far we get from graduation, we always end up back at the lunch tables. Weird.