There are some days I’m in love with my life.

Today is one of those days.

I live in Nashville. I live in freakin’ Nashville, ya’ll!! How cool is that! I love this town! I love the weather outside. It feels like Christmas, like the way I want Christmas to feel. It’s my favorite kind of weather, ever… very overcast and cold, and been lightly raining on and off all day. The Christmas lights shine warmer and sweeter in this kind of atmosphere.

But most of what’s caused me to fall in love with my life — or remember how much there is to love — is a sense of finally getting to a place of normalcy… a place where I’m coming to grips with who I am right now, what I want and that I’m finally ready to start loving and taking care of me.

I’ve been hanging out at home all day. It’s nice not to have to be somewhere. Just kicking back in my comfort clothes and watching a marathon of "America’s Next Top Model". I know, you probably think this is all just a bunch of "reality" tv tripe. But actually, I’m really learning lots about myself as I watch these episodes back-to-back. I’m learning a lot about how my own insecurities about myself have affected my life and the things I’ve tried to accomplish. I’m also see how I’ve sabotaged myself at times through either those insecurities or through my own nasty habit of avoidance and passive tendencies.

I’ve also realized how much of a ham I am. 🙂 I’ve been posing with the models, from my little perch here on the couch. People often comment that I’m very photogenic and I’ve realized much more as I’ve watched how little of that has to do with my looks and how much of it has to do with my determination to allow my personality and that "sparkle" I have inside come out through my face, and especially my eyes. I have a tendency to sort of "pose" my insides on my face every time I see a camera — something Tyra Banks comments is very important for models to do, btw! I don’t know what it is I do… it’s not something I think of as much as it is an attitude I pull from within and "pop" onto my face. It’s just a small thing, but it’s part of who I am. Part of me that I like. And that’s an important step forward for me, as I rediscover myself and work to regain a peace about me.

I had an ultra-fine day yesterday, which adds to my peace and love today. I finally saw Jamie again after nearly three months. I’d seen him briefly in late October. But I hadn’t spent significant time with him in ages, There are just some people who make life totally worth all the agony. Jamie is one of those people. Something in his spirit, his soul, his personality — or all three — creates an incredibly warm atmosphere where ever he is. Not just warm, but "real". Jamie doesn’t play games, or wear masks. He is real, authentic. He absolutely knows who he is and he is completely at peace with that. Not that he doesn’t work at "becoming", he does. But he’s also very comfortable and happy in his own skin.

Maybe that’s why I love being around him, why I feel so much healthier, emotionally and spiritually, after being around him. One of the things I’ve been learning the last few months is how important it is for me to be at home and happy in my own skin, to be at peace with who I am right now. When I’m around Jamie, his peace just naturally rubs of on me. And life is just better.

I want to be like that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be happy and at peace with myself right where I am, even while I’m working to better myself. And I think I’m finally on my way. This last couple of weeks I’ve been even more introspective than normal. I’ve been chewing on a lot of things, things about myself and my life that I’ve hated for a long time… my weight, for example, or where I find myself career-wise. Something has happened in the last few days. I’m not sure what exactly it is — though I’d like to figure it out because I’d like to repeat it — but I’m finding myself more at peace with who I am. I think part of it is just being real about who I am. Not just the weight issue. That, I think, is only one small piece of the whole picture.

There are many parts of me, of my personality, that I’ve either run from, denied or been embarrassed about. I’ve seen them as unfeminine, or unChrist-like. As I’ve been doing more digging into myself and being honest with myself, I’m realizing that my view of these things has been skewed either by others’ opinions and/or my perceptions of others’ opinions.

I’ve always admired and wondered how people live their lives without concern for how others perceive them or what others say to them about them. For so many years I’ve allowed what other people say, and my perception of what they mean by what they say, to impact my opinion of myself. I’ve lived this way as long as I can remember.

I know this blows the mind of some people who know me. Nina, for example, told me a few months back that her experience with me was always one that left her with the strong belief that I didn’t care what others think about me, that their opinions don’t affect me. But the truth is, their words and opinions have a power over me that frightens me.

So I adopted an attitude very early in life, as a way to protect myself. But people’s opinions of me matter far more than is healthy I think.

God’s  opinion of me is the only opinion that’s important. That’s the Truth. But putting that truth into practice and making it a reality in my life will take time. I’m now re-evaluating many things I’ve come to believe about me based on old opinions of others. I’m learning to "judge" myself based on what God says about me. I have to "reprogram" my mind. And, FINALLY,  I’m feeling up to the challenge.

Today has been good. I’m falling in love with myself and rediscovering all there is to love about my life. I’ve had a great day, relaxing, enjoyable and rejuvenating. Today it’s been good to be me. Thanks, God!