Category Archives: Healing

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Becoming

Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. — Phil 4:13, The Message

Those of us who follow Jesus, who listen intently for His voice and revel in His  presence, whatever path we currently find ourselves on is the path He has called us to for this time.

I’ve experienced God’s pull on my spirit to take another path, so I know from experience He will always make it known to me when its time to switch tracks. Its the trudging down the same rocky and uncertain path that I struggle with. But I’m learning to accept the truth of "trudging"; the path I’m on is the one I’m called to. Paul says in Eph 4, "In light of all this, here’s what I want you to do. While I’m locked up
here, a prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and
walk–better yet, run!-on the road God called you to travel. I don’t
want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone
strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And
mark that you do this with humility and discipline–not in fits and
starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of
love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences."

So often I’ve sat on my hands, or gone down paths that ultimately go nowhere and had to backtrack. I admit, I’m a fits-and-starts kinda girl. Yet, God was faithful even through all that to teach me and grow me, transform me, to look a little more like the woman He created me to be.

There are things I’m learning about myself, patterns of thought and behavior that I developed in childhood, as an instinct of survival, that now hold me back from becoming all I can be. So many times I want to hide from what I see. So many times I do choose to hide, to fill my head with noise so I can’t hear the soul-cries.

I have so much work to do. So much. I can see the person I want to become, but there is so much space to cross between me and that woman. I don’t want to waste any more time, yet I fight a lethargy stronger than I’ve ever known. I’m more tired, drained and unmotivated than I have ever been in my life.

Growing up in Christ has often in my mind been something that, by nature, involved a lot of condemnation, angst and… drama. I was convinced if I didn’t feel the sting of rebuke from God or other believers than I wasn’t really letting God into my dark spaces, my hiding places. What I’ve experienced of God in the last few years, however, has completely destroyed and reconstructed my view of who God is; of how He deals with us. The God I’ve experienced has been so gentle and soft, so tender and yet so strong in a protective, sheltering way. Even correction comes with such grace, tenderness and celebration of who I am, of who I am meant to be. I’ve never experience correction this way before. Never.

Yet I still wait for the hammer of condemnation and the sting of rebuke to fall upon me. I spend so many nights running from Him in fear.

I want to stop running. I want to stop fearing what will never come. I just don’t believe anymore that that’s who God is.

You would think that wanting would be enough. After all, I am the one in control of myself, am I not? But we humans are so much more complicated than that. And so is life. Wanting to isn’t enough when dealing with life long habits and fears birthed and fed in childhood, and catered to in adulthood.

So here I stand once again, realizing that I cannot do what I want to without help.

God help me.  God help me Become.

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Family Dynamics

Its around this time that one’s stress level goes through the roof. If the thought of finding a parking space at any shopping establishment isn’t enough to drive you to road rage, the thought of spending a "joyous holiday" with family most likely will.

I know. None of us suffer from that problem. We all have perfect families that get along so well it makes the Cleavers look dysfunctional. (pah-leese.)

I saw the movie "The Family Stone" last weekend. I want to go into this in more detail, but as I need to leave for the airport soon I’ll just start the conversation and we can delve deeper when I come back next week.

The movie left me feeling disturbed and melancholy. It took me several days to figure out the real reason why — the obvious reason of the film’s ending notwithstanding (I won’t spoil it for those who like surprises). I realized after some self-probing, and prompting from God, that I saw myself in the lead character and felt cheated by the ending the writer’s gave her. She’s the nervous, uptight, perfectionistic oddball in this gathering of laid-back self-proclaimed group of tolerant artists. But the truth is, it’s the family that’s more intolerant, uptight and insecure than Sarah Jessica Parker’s character. They are the ones who have already determined that she doesn’t fit, and she becomes the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong during the holiday.

I understand her. Very well. I lived that life. I still live it in my mind. Family dynamics stick with us even when all our family is gone.

I wanted her to be celebrated for who she is, not be pressed to conform to the Stone Family image. She wasn’t and she did.

Some might say they see the ending differently; that she was just with the "wrong man" and the right one brought out the tolerant, calmer side of her. But I disagree.

Talking with friends over the last few weeks, I’ve heard many stories of the various dysfunctional families out there and the frustrations my friends face when going home for Christmas. And by the way, I believe we ALL come from dysfunctional families; because every parent is broken and struggles and doesn’t get it perfect, or right all the time. That means we all grow up with unmet emotional needs and unhealthy patterns of behavior. More on that another time. I understand their frustrations. I experience my own when my family gathers. I’m sure you do too. I’m going through counseling to discover all the subtle and not-so-subtle ways this has affected who I am today and to learn how to become the person God created me to be.

My question to you is, how do you deal with the brokenness in your family? Do you run from it, or face it head on, or get sucked into its vortex? Each year you go home for a holiday, how much to you rail against the role you’ve been given in your family? Or do you just roll your eyes, grit your teeth and get through the holiday by reminding yourself you only have x-amount of days left before you get to go back to being who you really are as an adult?

Do you even see the dysfunction in your own family?

What does God say we are to do when we find ourselves at odds with our own families, for godly, healthy reasons?

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Clarity Does Not Equal Resolution

Just because I know something, understand something, doesn’t mean the problem is solved and all is well with the world again. It’s just the opposite.

Now that I know myself better, understand myself more, I realize I have a whole lot of work in front of me to become more than I am today. I cannot rest on my clarity. I have to use that clarity as a stepping stone to healing and wholeness.
And that takes work.

A whole lot of work.

I don’t like work. Its hard and painful and messy. And this kind of work, this transformational renewing of my mind kind of work is really hard. Its exhausting.

I’ve spent the last two hours delving into one passage of Scripture working to retrain myself to operate in the realm of God-thoughts instead of Lu-feelings.

I get scared, guys. I get so very scared. I’m just one big ‘fraidy-cat. And tonight I headed straight for panic-attack city. Yes, once again. You have to be tired of hearing about my fear of everything. I know I’m tired of living it. It seems I live on the edge of Panic Cliff, at the base of which is Panic City. One mis-step and I’m over the cliff, hanging in mid-air like Wile E. Coyote waiting for gravity to assert itself on me. And then its down I go.

I’ve been challenged to stop living by my feelings and start living a thought-based life. The only way to do that is to take my focus off me and turn my gaze God-ward. To take my feelings captive and make them obedient to Jesus. —- Okay, so I know that the verse in Romans actually says to "take every thought captive", but I’m realizing for me I must also take every feeling captive and examine it in light of what God says.

If you’d like to know what light I shined on my feelings tonight, read Matthew 6:19-34 in the The Message.

As with every encounter with light, there was some moments of glaring brightness. I saw myself. I saw my greed and my distrust. I saw my materialistic heart, my vanity and my selfishness. Oh, Lord what a mess I am!

But I also saw Jesus, looking at me with love and approval — yeah, approval. Even with all that sin and ugliness, He smiled at me with approval. Not because of my sin… Perhaps He sees something in me I don’t see in myself yet.

And I got a glimpse of how life is perhaps meant to be lived. Jesus says,

"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out… Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow."

Steeped in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Sounds awesome! Now if only I could figure out what that really means, what it looks like, so I could emulate it. I can only guess at it right now. Maybe its like the spoon in The Matrix — the trick to to remember that its not really a spoon. Its a constant awareness that our senses and minds can be deceived and in turn deceive us. A constant immersion in the spiritual realities.

Giving my entire attention to what God is doing right now. Not in the future, not tomorrow, but right this very second. You know? I never think about that. I never think about what is God doing right this very second. I think about what He wants to do, what He will do, what He has done. But I never consider what He is doing this very moment. Just like the young Luke Skywalker, my mind is never on the present, it’s always in the future. Or the past.

But I got a glimpse tonight, in my mind, in my spirit, of what this kind of life would look like. It was very attractive. I want this. I really want this kind of life. Oh, to live fully in every moment without worry for the future! That’s a meal I’d spend the rest of my life feasting on, and who cares about the calories!

It’s going to take every ounce of strength I’ve got, and then some, to teach my mind this new path, to teach my heart to let go of the gods of money and food and tv and new stuff and Apple gadgets and toys of all kinds, and reach only for God and give my entire attention to what He is doing in this present moment.

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I Did It Again

I have struggled for several days with this particular post. It seems I have apparently offended and hurt some people by some things in a recent post. That was never my intention or my desire. But obviously it happened anyway.

Have you ever had people say things to you that are offensive, even mean? Didn’t you want to retaliate, say something equally mean? You know, like back in jr. high, when someone in a conflict would eventually say, "oh, yeah?! Well… you’re ugly!" "HA! You’re stupid!" "You suck!" "Yeah?! Well, you suck more!"

It was usually a way to say "you hurt/offended me but I I don’t want to be vulnerable and just tell you so, so I’ll just hurt/offend you back…"

Well, it appears my recent post generated such a controversy that I found myself in the middle of a similar situation.

It never occurred to me that there are people out there that, once offended, continually revisit the blog that so offends, and eventually even post comments laced with insults, or mean and offensive words of their own. I know, I should not have been surprised by this. We are all human, after all. Even the best, most mature followers of Christ lose it and go mental every once in a while — including me. 🙁 And I would wager that some of those people offended would say I had it coming, that I deserved every mean word I got.

I just didn’t think that there were people out there who took blogs so seriously. Last week I learned the hard way that there are.

Ultimately I ended up with 3 or 4 very mean comments and two gracious,well-thought out ones. Unfortunately, the mean ones got the best of me.

Everything in me screamed to strike back at these people for their mean words. And, for a moment I gave in to that temptation and wrote a comment that was pretty harsh. But Jesus had His own comment to make and He made sure I heard it loud and clear.

"Here’s another old saying that deserves a second look: "Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.’ Is that going to get us anywhere? Here’s what I propose: "Don’t hit back at all.’ If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

"You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best–the sun to warm and the rain to nourish–to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty."

With my comment I was falling into the same game, "tit-for-tat". You offend me, so I’ll offend you. You say something that hurt my feelings so I’ll say something to hurt your feelings. Where does that get us in the end? Especially in the family of God? Someone has to break the chain. Someone has to have the courage to step up and say, "whoa, this is getting us no where."

I realized I needed to be that person. I needed to delete my comment. It was midnight and I felt sure no one would have seen it yet, so I went to delete it.

Too late. Someone else had seen it and posted their hurtful words right after.

At that point the only way I could think to stop the madness was to delete the post that people found so controversial and disable the comments section for a while. Was that the best idea? Dunno. But it was the best I could think of at the time.

For me, my blog is a place for me to write; one way for me to use the gift of writing that God gave me, on my own little space on the internet. It’s a place to express my opinions, my passions, my thoughts and the things God teaches me. Sometimes I will do it better than at other times. And most times I can pretty much guarantee that it will offend someone. Partly because I’m human. And partly because I am my Father’s daughter. God has a tendency to say things that offend as well. And Jesus was an expert at offending the religious community of the day.

I guess my biggest issue with all this is how seriously people took my post — and I base that conclusion on how seriously they were offended. It baffles me that little, powerless, no-name, dorky me has had such power over nearly a whole community (if one commenter is to be believed).

How did I get such power? How did my blog come to mean so much in the eyes of these people? I just don’t get it.

I love reading other blogs. Especially ones that present new and different ideas, or, even in their anger and frustration, point out issues from a perspective I don’t have. I have occasionally run across blogs that I found offensive, even from people within my same community. But I just ignore them and don’t read them again. My life is too full and meaningful to waste on frustration and anger over someone else’s opinion.

I just figured the rest of the blogging world saw things the same way. Apparently I was wrong. And I got a harsh lesson from it last week.

To all those I offended – and probably even offended with this post – please hear me. I deeply apologize and ask for your forgiveness. I hope someday you will be able to see my blog for what it is, just my 2 cents. I’m not a holier-than-thou expert. I’m not the great and powerful Oz. I’m just Lu, with opinions as fiery as my hair is red.

No, really. My hair is red. Pay no attention to the roots that are growing in darker — or perhaps just grayer…

I’m setting a new rule for my blog. If you disagree with me, I invite you to tell me (once I get brave enough to enable comments once again) in a kind and gracious way, why you disagree. Please try to be as specific and on-topic as possible. However, if your comment is mostly full of insults about me, telling me I’m rude and selfish, for example, I will delete it. I like a good dialog with people who disagree with me. I learn a lot from it. But I don’t like it when people call me names and are purposefully mean just to get me back for a post they found offensive.

I heard a song on the radio today that best sums up my feelings about all of this in the chorus,
I’m not trying to be a nuisance,
I just think we can do better than this,
That was simply my 2 cents.
You can take it or leave it.

Okay, I think this one is finally ready for prime-time…

Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. — Eph 4:32

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Bleeding with Hope

"Pain is seldom expected nor embraced. When it comes, it is often denied or swept under the rug of ‘God’s Sovereignty’. The Apostle Paul tells us that, as we ‘groan inwardly,’ we ‘wait eagerly’ for our final redemption (Romans 8:23). But few of us enter the tragedy of living in a fallen world and simultaneously struggle with God until our heart bleeds with hope. — Dan Allendar, The Healing Path

Back in June I spent a weekend in Alabama with one of my best friends, KatRose. We hung out at Lake Martin with her close friend Jen, Jen’s mom and a couple of Jen’s friends. It was a very refreshing time.

As we sat at dinner Friday night, Kat queried about my posts here, stating that some had scared her that I was losing my faith in God, because I talked of fighting and wrestling with Him. My other best friend Wendy had spoken of similar fears a while back. I think most people aren’t used to someone so desperately in love with God fighting with Him as much as I do.

Or should that be said in reverse? Someone who fights with God so much couldn’t possibly, in the minds of most, be so crazy in love with God as I am.

I think that’s because people tend to say they are fighting with God when, really, they’re ready to walk away from Him and this is their last, "do it or I’m walkin’" moment with Him.

How do I explain what’s going on with me? I was at a loss as to how to communicate this during my weekend with Kat. But I think I may be able to now.

Love, especially a Father’s love, for me has always meant a stoic non-emotional pattern where love and presence was withdrawn when I stepped out of line. I know that in reality, my dad never withdrew his love. However, to my tender young heart and mind, that’s how his actions were interpreted. And I was the most favored of my dad’s children. He often confided to me his disappointment and frustration in my siblings, something I didn’t want to know — and which led to a pattern in my own life of walking on egg shells, of expecting the best performance out of myself at all times, so I wouldn’t lose dad’s love. And when I did, I worked very hard to get it back and and not allow myself to do something to lose it again. Often that meant not being honest with myself or with my dad about most of the things in my life.

Throughout my life I’ve seen God as somewhat an extension of my dad. I have rarely fought with God, or been brutally honest about the whole of me because I believed if I did, He will withdraw His love and presence from me, just as my dad did throughout his life. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve been able to fight and wrestle with Him from a place of love, and feel like I’m standing in a place of grace and acceptance, no matter how brutally honest and argumentative I get.

The year I was overseas (2002-2003) was so incredibly lonely and pain-filled. I don’t want to belabor this point, because it’s not worth doing so now. But, please understand, it was the most difficult season of my life up to that point, and I was in desperate pain.

That was the year God revealed His deep, passionate, intimate, intense — man, is it intense! — love for me— me of all people! Me, who is obstinant, headstrong, vocal, brutally honest, argumentative, disgustingly messy, amazingly unorganized and ruthlessly lazy. He met me at my every point of need. And I had A LOT. Yet He met me there every single time. Every day, every night, every moment, He made His presence and love powerfully known. My relationship with Him really became a relationship — much more than it ever had been.

Interestingly, during that time I often scoffed at the phrase, "God is my husband". God cannot be my husband, I would whine. He lacks the physical equipment.

Yeah, go ahead… take a moment and digest that…. I can be pretty shallow at times.

Yet I realize now that during that time we truly were becoming Husband and Bride. Our relationship moved from "buddy/pal" — phileo love — to "Bride/Groom" love-affair agapao. Now I really DO feel like I’m married to Jesus, in an emotional/spiritual way. And I wonder sometimes how a relationship with a man is ever going to compare to what I have with God.

Then mom and dad died, my team was disbanded, I resigned from the mission agency I was with and moved back to LA, broke, homeless, jobless, careerless, and most of all dream-less and hope-less. The agony of losses I suffered, and the complete chaos my life has become in the last two years would have, most assuredly, brought me to a breaking point in my faith had it not been for the foundation of passionate love forged by God both in that year overseas, and the two or so years leading up to it.

It’s precisely because of the intimacy and depth of relationship we, Jesus and I, developed during that time that I am held fast to Him, and it set me up to be able to experience, for the first time, what healthy conflict is really all about.

It started with a desperate wailing cry, "If you’re going to rescue me, God, NOW is the time to do it. I need You NOW! Not later, but NOW. NOW is the time of my salvation! Please come NOW and save me! I’m drowning in this flood of emotions and thoughts!"

He came. He fought for me. Smoke billowing from His nostrils and thunder and lightning in His hand. I was rescued. My first "demand" of God since I was a small child, and He responded.

Since that time I’ve tested the "ice" more and more, like an ice skater on a frozen pond in Michigan in April. I poke my angry-confused-frustrated stick into the ice of God’s love to see if it will hold my weight. Each time I poke, I push harder, to the point where now I’m pounding it.

And I am blown away every single time. It holds. He holds. He is not at all like my dad. He doesn’t clam up and withdraw in hurt or punishment when I fight with Him. Instead, He fights back. He meets me right where I am and argues back with me. I feel like Jacob/Israel. Really! God loves me so much that He shows up to the fight and argues His case.

Do you know how amazing that is?? Do you understand the magnitude of this new revelation of His character? To be able to fight with God, and have Him fight back, not back down or withdraw or overpower or squash, or even threaten to do so because He is God. To me, this means that He really is that loving, gracious, compassionate, slow-to-anger, understanding God the Bible says He is. He’s not judgmental. And He’s not just merciful. He’s so strong and confident in His love for me — and so humble! He is Almighty God, after all. He could just quash me for my "impudence". But He doesn’t!! He doesn’t even seem to dream of it — that He’s willing to duke it out with me. He loves me so much He fights with me over things that I’m angry about, or confused or frustrated about. Oh. My. Gosh. He really is the best Husband a girl could ever dream of!

Being able to fight with God has caused me to fall in love with Him even more. I can now be honest with God about the full extent of my pain and my anger, of my wounds and my dark places, because I know He won’t leave me or run and hide His love from me till I "get it right".

Oh, and then there’s the best present of all. You know I said I know what it’s like to be Jacob/Israel. Well, in that struggle God saw that He could not overpower or prevail against Jacob… well, here it is in the Amplified Bible.

And Jacob was left alone, and a Man wrestled with him until daybreak.

And when [the Man] saw that He did not prevail against [Jacob], He touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob’s thigh was put out of joint as he wrestled with Him.

Then He said, Let Me go, for day is breaking. But [Jacob] said, I will not let You go unless You declare a blessing upon me.

[The Man] asked him, What is your name? And [in shock of realization, whispering] he said, Jacob [supplanter, schemer, trickster, swindler]! And He said, Your name shall be called no more Jacob [supplanter], but Israel [contender with God]; for you have contended and have power with God and with men and have prevailed.

In my wrestling with God, sometimes I see His point and move a little closer to His thinking. Sometimes, however, I cannot be moved. And, amazingly, I don’t ever feel like God is exasperated with me or surprised or angry that I will not concede to His viewpoint. Sometimes He doesn’t seem to even tell me His point of view; just lets me argue until I’m too hoarse to speak. I get the distinct impression this is how God wants me to deal with Him always. To be brutally honest and to not be moved unless and until I am truly convinced.

I’m becoming convinced of this more and more because, it’s in those times that I cannot be moved that I receive the greatest gift: my own "wound" from our tussle — My heart bleeds with Hope.

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Night Psalm

God–you’re my God! I can’t get enough of You!
I’ve worked up such hunger and thirst for You,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.

So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in Your strength and glory.
In Your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless You every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to You.

I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;
I smack my lips. It’s time to shout praises!
If I’m sleepless at midnight,
I spend the hours in grateful reflection.

Because You’ve always stood up for me,
I’m free to run and play.
I hold on to You for dear life,
and You hold me steady as a post.
Psalm 63

It’s been a long 3 years. But as I look back, I can see how God has carried me every step of the way. I can remember all the times I felt His loving arms wrapped around me, holding on to me for dear life. I can see all the times I powerfully felt His presence. I remember times He came to my rescue and fought off the enemy who was nearly succeeding in stealing the last ounce of sanity and strength I had left. Smoke really does flow from His nostrils, the earth really does quake, He really does thunder from heaven and His voice really does resound when He comes in anger (Psalm 18:6-19) to rescue His Beloved ones from the father of lies! There was the time on Easter Sunday 2004 when out of the depths of my agony I cried and wailed as the morning began. He met me in that moment. I really saw the smoke flying from His nostrils as my anguish compelled Him from His throne and to my very side, sword swinging and destroying the enemy as He came.

He brought me out of a disastrous situation and provided for me while I began the long road to recovery in LA. He provided a car for me to drive from one end of LA, where I was staying, to the other, where I was serving at Mosaic, or where I had the women’s Bible study, or where my life group met. God showed me His love through David and Gina, who gave up their second automobile so I could first borrow, then buy, it — even though they have two small children, live in South Pas and David works in downtown. God brought me out here, providing for my needs at just the moment I thought all was lost. He continued the healing He’d begun long ago, took me the next step and then the next, and is still with me every step as we walk together into wholeness.

He continues to heal me, love me, pour His grace and compassion over me as if I were standing under the world’s largest waterfall. He doesn’t just provide what I need. He gives me more. He gives me good gifts! Gifts I know I don’t deserve, gifts so sweet and amazing. A perfect place to live. A job that rocks, and co-workers that are amazing. Sunsets, thunderstorms and the perfect chai tea.


I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;
I smack my lips. It’s time to shout praises!
If I’m sleepless at midnight,
I spend the hours in grateful reflection.

Because You’ve always stood up for me,
I’m free to run and play.
I hold on to You for dear life,
and You hold me steady as a post.

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[My] Salvation

He was despised and rejected–a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by…. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God for his own sins! But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped, and we were healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the LORD laid on him the guilt and sins of us all.

…But it was the LORD’s good plan to crush him and fill him with grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD’s plan will prosper in his hands. When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. I will give him the honors of one who is mighty and great, because he exposed himself to death. He was counted among those who were sinners. He bore the sins of many and interceded for sinners. — Isaiah 53

This passage has come to mean a lot to me this weekend. The Counseling Conversation by design digs deep into the soul and sniffs out the ways we run from God, hide from Him and hold Him at bay — not allowing ourselves to trust Him with every fragment of our lives. Usually what we are hiding are things we declare shameful. Like Adam and Eve, we focus on our nakedness before Him, rather than the cause of our "knowledge of our nakedness", our sin and our hiding.

Like an archeologist, I went digging — with the aid of my counselor — into the darker places of my soul and hit something solid. Gotta say, that solid thing has me scared silly. I know it must be big, for the fear it strikes in me. Yet I have no idea exactly what it is.

This experience (early last week) drove me underground, where I’ve been ever since. I haven’t the heart to come out and face the world. Hence the silence even here.

Over the weekend God led me to Isaiah and again had me read through from 49 to 54. A few passages, long familiar to me, echoed through my soul like old friends at a reunion. But this one, the one classically known as "The Suffering Servant," one I’ve known and read over and over andoverandover since I was very young, this is the one that embraced me and held me tight. I saw in it so clearly, as for the first time, my true Salvation. Not that neat-and-clean "Jesus come into my heart" kind of salvation. But the real-life gritty Salvation — the bloody-cross, beaten-to-a-pulp-then-brutally-killed Salvation. The Salvation that took every slimy, shameful, disgusting thing I ever did or thought, and ever will do or think, and paid the agonizing price in blood and cruelty.

Jesus made it possible for me to be counted Righteous. His bloody agony made it  possible for me to live blameless, even though I have many things in my life deserving of blame and shame. He made it possible for me to have Peace — not the peace that we talk of in today’s world, the absence of conflict — but the Peace God originally meant in the Scriptures, Shalom, walking and living in wholeness, harmony, spiritual health and healing with God today every day all day.

No matter what I did, no matter how shame-filled and dark my soul is, no matter how I respond today, I am still being "Saved" — bleh, that word dredges up all kinds of negative connotations for me, based on the super-religious who have given it such a bad name. But the fact of the matter is, Jesus continues to work out my salvation with me every day. I am in a continually process of restoration, as Jesus restores me to what God created me to be, to what I would have been without the tragedy of real life living in a fallen world.

This is what I cling to as I walk through the latest "valley of the shadow of death" in my life. He’s made a way, a path for me in the dark. And I will follow.

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“Breathe. Just Breathe.”*

*Danielle De Barbarac in "Ever After"

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me–watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly." — Jesus

as recorded in Matthew 11, The Message

I’m there, Jesus. Show me. Teach me. Help me!

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The Meaning of Life

When they had eaten, Jesus said to Simon Peter, Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these [others do–with reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion, as one loves the Father]? He said to Him, Yes, Lord, You know that I love You [that I have deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. He said to him, Feed My lambs.

Again He said to him the second time, Simon, son of John, do you love Me [with reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion, as one loves the Father]? He said to Him, Yes, Lord, You know that I love You [that I have a deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. He said to him, Shepherd (tend) My sheep.

He said to him the third time, Simon, son of John, do you love Me [with a deep, instinctive, personal affection for Me, as for a close friend]? Peter was grieved (was saddened and hurt) that He should ask him the third time, Do you love Me? And he said to Him, Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You [that I have a deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. Jesus said to him, Feed My sheep.

I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, when you were young you girded yourself [put on your own belt or girdle] and you walked about wherever you pleased to go. But when you grow old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will put a girdle around you and carry you where you do not wish to go.

He said this to indicate by what kind of death Peter would glorify God. And after this, He said to him, Follow Me!

……Jesus said to him, If I want him to stay (survive, live) until I come, what is that to you? [What concern is it of yours?] You follow Me! — John 21:15-22 (Amplified Bible)

We use one word to describe so many emotions. How inadequate the English language is!

Throughout my many years in church I’ve heard a lot of sermons on this passage, and much speculation on why Jesus asked Peter this question 3 times. However, it wasn’t until two years ago that someone finally showed me the subtle but distinct difference in the meaning of Jesus’ love-word and Peter’s love-word (and then this week I found out that Adria learned this in her Greek Bible class at Taylor U. That just stinks…. why isn’t anyone really TALKING about this?)

I was in a Beth Moore Bible study while in Cyprus. We were going through her study called Breaking Free. Beth came to this passage and pointed out the two different, distinct words used and I was thunderstruck. I’ve been listening to internet broadcasts of this series the past couple of weeks and last Monday’s lesson retraced my steps through this passage again.

Jesus uses a word, agapao, which means a high esteem, respect, reverent kind of love. It the same word Jesus uses in Mark 12:30-31. This word also indicates a direction of the will. The idea here is that its a choice we make; being determined to so.

Peter, on the other hand, keeps using the word, phileo, which is a brotherly kind of love.

Finally, on his last "do you love me?" Jesus switches to Peter’s word, saying, "Okay, Peter, do you phileo me?" And Peter says, "you know I do…."

The point of this banter wasn’t, as some preachers have said, to give Peter a chance to cancel his three denials of Jesus. The point was for Peter, and us, to catch the truth that phileo love just isn’t enough to keep us followers of Jesus from crashing and burning out as we serve others.

Yes Jesus said, "feed my sheep". But he goes on to say, "follow me.’ In other words, "make a conscious choice to agapao Me. Esteem Me, respect Me, trust Me with everything you’ve got. Because that’s the only way you’re gonna be able to handle all that is to come without burning out and giving up on Me."

It’s amazing to me how badly I get it wrong often times. Even now that I get the meaning of the love-words, and the whole exchange, I still often revert back to old teaching and erroneous thought patterns, believing that it’s all about me, all on me to love and thus get myself through things through sheer determination of will.

My experience with God, however, is so vastly different. And proves beyond doubt, when I think about it, just how big a liar the enemy is and how often I fall prey to those lies.

I think the thing that impacted me most though, was a realization that this is what life is all about. Yes, I’m called to serve and give my life away for others. But…. if I don’t agapao Jesus; if I don’t highly esteem Him, revere Him and make a determined choice to love Him, to want what’s in His best interest; if I just love Him like a brother, if He’s just my pal and a dear close, close friend, or if He’s just a family member, just the Father I obey because I’m too afraid not to; if I do not highly regard and prize Him as a grand treasure, then I will not survive this thing we call "Christianity". I may continue to serve, and lead, and even be held up as an example. But my heart and spirit will languish in the fires of religious burn-out.

I’m getting through this hell on earth called mourning and grief and loss each day because I so love Jesus. I soooo love Him! He cradles me in His arms, dances with me, cries with me, yells with me, fights with me, walks with me, picks me up when I fall, holds me firm when I can’t stand, carries me when I can’t get up, shelters me in His robe when the rain lashes us, covers me as the lightning flashs and thunder roars, helps me to cut loose and laugh at how drenched we are when the storm passes, sings me to sleep, wakes me with sunrises, watches the fireflies dance with me…..

There isn’t anything He doesn’t do with me, or for me. He doesn’t have to say anything and I know by His presence, His touch, His creation that He loves me. He’s proven He will not leave me, yet never tires of gently saying He won’t when I get scared and beg Him not to go. He doesn’t get offended when I get angry and doesn’t just give in to my demands. He fights with me, proving His love through His willingness and strength to stand toe-to-toe with me, not withdrawing and not bullying, but arguing His case and standing firm and resolute in Himself.

I DO highly esteem Him. I DO hold Him in the highest regard. I DO make a choice to love Him — I’ve had many opportunities to walk away, to give up on this thing He calls Abundant Life, which hasn’t much felt abundant or Life-like these last few years. But I can’t leave Him. My heart would break and my life would be nothing. HE is the thing that breathes Life into me. Without Him, there’s just no point.

And this is what I was referring to earlier. The enemy so often lies to me that I must be the one to get myself through things, I must bear the burden of agapao love alone, that what this whole exchange between Jesus and Peter is really Jesus telling Peter, "buck up, bud. You gotta carry this cross thing all the way. If you love me, work hard and follow hard, ’cause I ain’t gonna do anything for ya. It’s all on you."

What a crock!

Now…. now I’m learning that this agapao; this thing we call Love — True Love — this is my purpose. This is the reason I was created, the thing I was made to do! That, in doing this, in agapao-ing God, I live out my purpose. Can you believe that?? How simple! And I keep trying to make this purpose thing so complicated…. Here I thought, and always believed, that I was created to do things high and lofty. But it turns out, it seems, that I was just made to Love. Just to be Loved and to Love in return. Love the way God loves. To agapao. — I’ve spent the last two years seeking my purpose, and as it turns out, perhaps I have been fulfilling my purpose all along. Who knew?

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than
these." — Mark 12: 30-31

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Stirrings

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.  For you have heard my vows, O God; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
— Psalm 61

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
— Psalm 116:7