Category Archives: God’s Nature

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Spoken Of — And Spoken For

This is a special passage to me… God used it many times during my year overseas to comfort and encourage me. It came back to me again, as I searched Scripture for answers to a different question.

Amazing how God always comes through… even when we are searching for something different than what He hands us… Yet in His hands we find everything we are looking for.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me
to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-4

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Worth It All

It was a long, dark weekend. Depression Day followed Depression Day… you know, those days when you just can’t get out of bed; so you hide under your covers till way past noon, stay in your pajamas way past afternoon and finally shower around dinner time…

No, perhaps you don’t know.

I don’t understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
give You all of my praise.

There is a darkness that overtakes you. A darkness that is not spiritual, yet impacts your spirit in monumental ways. It obliterates everything in your life, and everything you’ve ever learned. It is all-consuming. It sucks you in and blinds every sense you have. It’s darker than a moonless night, darker than a room with no windows and no lights. The kind of dark where you can’t see your hand even though its an inch from your face. The kind of dark that horror movies are made of

It is a darkness that is profoundly misunderstood by the general Christian public… and even by most well-meaning Christian lay-counselors. Sadly, because of this, most suffer the darkness in silence. Until one day death finally takes them. Or, they hurry death along in their own way.

You hold on to all my pain
with it you are pulling me closer
and pulling me into your ways.

My darkness is inky black. It is filled with sorrow, confusion, guilt and rage. I scream and kick and cry until I’ve spent myself and all that’s left is exhaustion. No one knows I’m raging, no one knows I’m crying, screaming, kicking, spent in sorrow, confusion, exhaustion.

No one knows because no one can see it. No one can see it because it all happens in my soul.

To look at me, you’d probably think I’m tired. Or irritated. Or uninterested. Or perhaps just aloof. I, myself, can hear the chiding voices of previous mentors and counselors. “Now Lu, you can’t let yourself withdraw.” “Get back into the game.” “Just go back and do the last thing you left undone.” “Somewhere you’ve made a wrong choice, chosen a wrong reaction, and now you need to get up, go back to where you left off and go. Go!”

I cannot go. I cannot. I have nothing to give. I have nothing to go to. I cannot see the way to go. Won’t somebody please help me.

Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all.

God Speaks. Every day He speaks. Every moment of the day He speaks. He never demands I get out of bed. Never scolds or chides. Never says I’m lazy or a cry baby. Never says I’m weak for withdrawing. For hiding. Never.

God Speaks. In a gentle, loving voice, He says, “it’s okay. You are okay, just as you are. I am in this darkness with you. It’s okay to be here. Don’t try to be something you are not. That’s not living in integrity. Don’t try to pretend you’re happy and that all is well inside you when it’s not.”

“We’ll get through this,” He says. “We’ll get through this together.”

You hold on to all my pain
with it you are pulling me closer
and pulling me into your ways.

How can the God of all creation, the God who has all power and all might in the palm of His hand… Who watches over every living creature… How can He care so much for little me? Why does He care?

All my life… All I had, all I thought was mine, all I thought was my life… it’s all been demolished. I stand in the ruins of me. Not just of my life. But the ruins of ME.

Yet God daily uses this destruction and pain to create deep intimacy between us… intimacy I never knew was possible. In that space, He reveals to me the depth of His gentleness. And patience. And love.

Now around every corner
up every mountain
I’m not looking for crowns
or water from fountains
I’m desperately seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face
is all that I’m needing.

His love. His gentleness. His enduring compassion draws me in. It creates in me a need. Or perhaps it only awakens a need I’d always had.

Either way, I need to see His face. More than I need His praise. More than I need His power. More than I crave His word. I’m desperate for His presence. To see HIS face, feel HIS touch. To see Him in my mind’s eye and know He is here. Right now.

I will say to you then:
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
I believe it.
All my pain and all my joy,
It’s gonna be worth it

Is this enough? Is this enough to live for? Am I not supposed to have a mission? A purpose? Goals and objectives and various ways to use my “gifts” and “talents” for God? Is it enough to say, “it will be worth it. One day, all this crap will be worth it.”

I can’t find anything to live for. All I look for is Jesus. His sweet presence. That’s the only thing I want anymore. The only thing I can think of. The only thing I can “see” in this pitch black inky darkness. I cling to Him and will all the strength I have in me, I believe.

Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all,
Its gonna be worth it,
Its gonna be worth it all.

Worth It All written By Rita Springer, from her album “Effortless”

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Invisible Presence

There are days, and times, like today… right now sitting at Fido, sort of hearing the noise of the crowd through my headphones as I listen to Phillips Craig and Dean blasting “Your Grace Still Amazes Me” that I feel so incredibly blessed. God’s presence is a constant companion now. No longer do I have to search for Him or quiet my soul…. I know He’s here, I can sense HIm, see HIm in my mind.

How many people here can say that? I look around the room. There a small group huddled around the the bar, laughing and talking… one’s obviously telling a grand story, using his hands and gesturing wildly to convey all that words cannot. Just around the “corner” of the bar from them are two women absorbed in their papers. A man in a wheel chair chats over an empty plate with another man. They seem deep in conversation that interests them both. Throughout out the tables beyond them are scattered groups and individuals, some talking animatedly, some in more serious conversations. Some people are alone, reading, studying or working on their computers. Then there’s the two men beside me. My headphones barely cover over the conversation about music, their many years as musicians, their experiences in the business. I can’t help but notice the tiredness in their voices. Tiredness of life, of the rat race…. as one man told me about a month ago, it seems the magic has gone out of the music for them. And it shows in their conversation.

People continue to come in and out, letting in the crisp air from the rain soaked street. Cars sit in traffic just outside the window… people on their way home from work, or on their way to class or to a doctor’s appointment at Vanderbilt. People heading who knows where…. People move. Some leave, others come and take their seats. Through all the bustle and noise, God’s presence, His shalom envelopes me.

How many here go to bed each night with a hunger in their soul that cannot be satisfied, no matter what they try? How many people here can truly say they experience the shalom (peace) of God resting on them each day, the way I can?

I don’t know how to feel. Do I feel warm and blessed because of God’s presence in my life? Or do I feel sad and in pain for all those who don’t have what I have? I am only one person. What can I possibly do to stem the tide of loneliness in the world? Where would I even begin?

The group at the bar has moved to a table, and has grown from three to five. One particularly good looking man was greeted earlier by another, equally good looking man. By their dress, look and attitudes, I’d say they’re musicians, or somehow connect to the music business, on the artist side. Just now, however, something happened in their group that jolted my heart, excited me and intrigued me about this group, and this man…. A very heavy-set girl, one would probably call her obese, came toward the table, and the good looking man jumped up, greeted her warmly and gave her a big hug. He then led her to a seat and proceeded to make sure everyone at the table knew who she was. They are all now seated and in conversation…. I’m intrigued: Who is this man who seems to draw people to him? People who seem a little diverse. The group isn’t widely diverse, by any means, but they aren’t homogenous either.

Is this the power of influence? Is this the answer to the questions I seek? If so, how does one become a person of influence?

How do I make the invisible God who walks beside me every single day, who never leaves my side, how do I make Him visible to the world around me? How can I help the people in Fido, the people in Nashville, see Him?

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Together

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. — Phil 3:12-14

This morning I sat on my balcony and took some time to breathe. To inhale deeply of God. It’s been far too long since I did that.

As I sat and watched some beautiful birds flit around the trees, some fighting and vying for the best branches or favorite perches, God and I talked a little about the direction of my life.

I have no idea where I’m going. I don’t know how the bills are going to be paid. It seems that every time I think I see a light signaling the end of this long dark tunnel I’m in, that light ends up being a mirage. Something else pops up. The road takes a sudden dive and we’re back down in the darkness, exploring the deeper recesses of life.

God sat beside me, patted my hand, pressed His thumb to my forehead, as He so often does and assured me He is here.

As I contemplated whether life was for the “hereafter”, as Paul seems to be looking forward to, or for the “today”, I looked at God and said, “I want healing now. I want to follow You now. I want to know what you want me to do, where to work and how to get through the days now.

I heard Him whisper, “My healing is for now, and for the future. My salvation is now, and in the future. I inhabit Today, and every one of the Tomorrows. But I don’t work backwards. Yesterday and all the other days that have gone before it, I don’t live there anymore.

“Don’t live in the past, My sweet child. Don’t look back. Don’t look back in regret. Don’t look back in sorrow that the best has come and gone. Don’t look back. I’m not there anymore. I’m here. And We, you and I, will get through this. Together.

Press on, My baby. My Beloved Bride. You and I will have that Wedding. And between now and then, there will be so much We will do. Together.

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God & The Choices

Perhaps I’m being a pessimist, but I just have this creeping, crawling feeling in my stomach that things will not go well tomorrow. I fear that we will not have a clear winner, that one side or the other will become angry over the way the numbers are going and that litigation mayhem will ensue (pun accidental, but ultimately intended).

Please tell me I’m being an incredible pessimist. Please tell me that this election will go better than the last presidential one. Please tell me that….

…well, just tell me when it’s over.

The sad thing is, normally I would say, I’ll cast my vote and hope for the best, knowing I gave it my "all"…. But I can’t do that this time.

I missed the registration deadline. Yes, that’s right all you lovely Democrat friends of mine. My vote will not cancel yours out this year. Celebrate this fact now. Because there won’t be a next time (I hope!). Blame it on the move… blame it on absent-mindedness… heck, blame it on Nashville…. Hey, I think there’s a country song in there somewhere! šŸ™‚

Actually, blame it on Tennessee and California. See, California’s deadline for voter registration is sometime in mid-October. So, I thought I had plenty of time. Who knew Tennessee had a different deadline??? An earlier deadline.

Drat! Shoot! Crap! Daggumit! (see me stomping around my apartment in complete frustration) This is the first, FIRST mind you, election EVER since I turned 18 that I haven’t voted. DRAT!

So, who ever wins, or doesn’t win, this election, I won’t be able to say it wasn’t my fault… because, who knows, maybe my vote could’ve been the one to push it over the top….

Of course, this won’t keep me from complaining about all the stupid things that whoever gets the Office does. I’m an equal opportunity complainer. I’ll even complain about the one I wanted to win, if he does.

Who  should win this election? And does God really care about who the US elects as its leader?

I think so… I think the wackiness of the 2000 election proves that God does weird things…. yeah, some people say it was Florida’s fault. Others say it was the Supreme Court’s fault. But I personally think it was God’s doing. But that’s just me… I have no real proof to back that up. Just raw gut belief. Down-to-the-core-of-my-being-belief. God does what He wants, despite our stupidity…

And then again, sometimes He lets us wallow in our self-made mud-encrusted, crap-filled pig-styes… so who knows?

Wow. Re-reading this, I think some may say I’m making God out to be some wacked-out Puppet Master, who does what He likes when He like and how He likes, regardless of our wishes. I don’t believe that at all. I think the writers of ‘Bruce Almighty’ had it right when they wrote: "You can’t mess with free will." We all get to make our own choices… and so does God. He acts on His choices and sometimes His action negates your action based on your choices made in free will… We’re not His puppets, or pawns. We, instead are players in our own right… but we are players in a larger game than we realize. A cosmic one where our souls are the prize and our lives are the on the line….. But I digress….

By the way, if Jesus looks like Jim Caviezel (which I wouldn’t complain if He does!), then God should look like Morgan Freeman. Don’t you think? He made a good God… if I do say so myself… But I digress, again…. which I’m allowed to do, because it’s my blog….

I heard a question the other day on a tv news show, "is God on America’s side?" How quaint. How silly. How down-right arrogant of us "Americans" to think that God would be on our side.

"God doesn’t have any side but His own!" I screamed at the tv media dork who thought to ask such a silly question. Yet even as the words left my mouth (along with chunks of my milk-saturated Oreo cookie), I realized…. many people in America think that very thing. God is on our side. Whatever side they stand on: liberal, conservative, libertarian, independent… for, against, undecided, in the middle…. it doesn’t matter. We all think God is on our side.

When all the while God is walking a completely different path. Playing a completely different game. Waging a completely different war, on a completely different front, for vastly different reasons… and with much higher stakes.

When I lived overseas, American politics was so far removed from my daily activities that it actually annoyed me greatly when someone sent me a politically charged email. Today, working for an organization plumb in the middle of the political arena, by its own choice, I find myself living and breathing it… and choking on all the smoke and…um… fertilizer… I see across the whole political arena.

Does it matter, in the end, who ends up in the Oval office next January? Living here at the crossroads of politics and religion, where it feels like a dark storm is brewing, some part of me wants to give in to the alarmist’s cries and say, "yes! It’s of vital importance." Which causes anxiety to rise from the depths of my stomach and work its way up into my little brain, dragging bits of my Oreo with it…

But when I quiet my soul and listen, I hear God whispering that His will, His work and His plan doesn’t hinge on the one election of one man in one nation on earth. Does He have His favorite, whom He would cast His vote for? I’m sure He does, but He hasn’t bothered to tell me that juicy tidbit… not that it would matter. I can’t vote anyway!!! (hear me stomping around the room again in frustration)

I realize the above appears to contradict what I believe about what happened in 2000. But, really, it doesn’t. God’s plan isn’t hinged upon this election, any more than it was hinged on the 2000 election. But sometimes, God does extraordinary things… sometimes to prove He’s God, sometimes because there’s a bigger picture He’s working on… sometimes I think it’s just because He can.

Not that He plays with people the way I play with my Oreos before I devour them. I think sometimes He gives us something, does something for us just because He loves us and wants to just bless us, for whatever reason.

I realize there are some out there (Kat, I love you!!) who definitely do not see Bush’s election as a blessing for anyone other than Bush… and perhaps it wasn’t a blessing for you. Or for others. I know his choice to go to war in Iraq had all of us serving overseas in the "neighborhood" quite nervous, anxious… and even a little frustrated at how that war would impact our ministries to those we love and were working hard to serve in that region of the world.

But when I quieted my soul, I heard God whispering that His will, His work and His plan doesn’t hinge on one war by one nation in another one nation on earth. He is bigger than that. And so is His purpose.

All this to say, I don’t know who "should" win tomorrow. I don’t know if there even will be a winner tomorrow. I don’t know what the American political landscape will look like come January 2005… Heck, don’t even know what my own life landscape will look like come the new year!

So many things are uncertain. But of this one thing, I am convinced:

I survived eight stinkin’ years of Clinton. I think I can handle whatever comes next year. šŸ™‚

"Remember this, fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say:
My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please."
— Isa 46:8-10

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Playing the Wrong Game

There comes a point when I just gotta let things go and see what happens. Lay down the cards and just play.

I tend to shuffle and reshuffle my cards, thinking “one more shuffle will do it…” But just like Lay’s potato chips, one just isn’t ever enough. So I shuffle again. And again. Eventually people get tired of waiting and start chiding, then yelling at me to lay my cards down.

So it goes with my life. I keep driving around town, from this apartment complex to that neighborhood… thinking, “one more shuffle will do it…” But I’m tired. And I’m not finding any better deals than the one that is before me. The more I think about it, the more appealing it is. If for no other reason than to stop the shuffle-hunt and settle down for a hand.. or two… or five…

Oh, I’ll still spend the weekend checking out the other options. I can’t just quit shuffling that quickly….

But I think my mind’s already made up.

Now it’s time to let Jamie loose in the space and watch in wonder as the Whirlwind creates beauty out of mediocrity. Amazing. God truly does reveal Himself through our creativity. And in Jamie-creator-designer I see Him so clearly. The joy He has in flinging stars into place, the excitement in planning and designing beautiful sunsets, the fun of stirring up storms. God is definitely a boy… I mean, come on. Loud noises, big flashes, dinosaurs… Hel-lo! All Boy.

I guess that also explains my life. God being, well, God. Creating, designing, stirring up storms and watching in all with wonder, joy and excitement only He could have, or understand.

I look at it from here and think, “One more shuffle… now, what ARE you doing??”, but He looks on it and thinks, “wait, just wait…. Here comes the good part. Here it is! Ooooo, isn’t that just sooo cool!!!” He doesn’t even yell at me to stop shuffling and lay down my cards. Just turns my head in the direction of His latest whirlwind of beauty.

I don’t think we’re playing the same game.