Category Archives: Friends

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Thank You

You’re emails, comments, and phone calls have been such an incredible blessing. I am so blessed. I am loved deeply by people I love deeply.

Kat, you’re my angel. My life would not be the same without you. I’m so very glad you are my friend. I love you.

Wendy, I know you called. I was in my counseling session…. but afterward I crashed with the pain of the migraine. Just knowing you called lifted my spirits and encouraged my heart. You have proved your love and true friendship over and over. God bless you, my friend! I love you.

Thank you every single one who reads my ramblings. You bring me joy. You could spend your time many ways, yet you choose to stop in here and see what crazy thing I have to say today.

God is good.

Life is hard. It sucks big time sometimes. But God is always good. Even in the suckiest moments of life. He is faithful. He loves deeply, passionately and actively.

He gave me you. That is a great gift indeed.

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Louis Goes Home

I wrote this last night… but didn’t have the heart or strength to finish it.

January 4, 2005 9:10pm
Louis went home to Jesus about an hour ago. Wendy called me a few minutes ago to let me know…

Thanks everyone for your prayers for him.

Please continue to pray for Lou and Betsy as they learn to live without their only son.

God Bless You, Lou and Betsy. Your loss is profound and no one can truly fathom the pain you now feel. Don’t rush through this time, as your heart will beg you to. Don’t bury the pain under stoic faces, phrases like "he’s in a better place," and "at least he’s no longer in pain." Yes, his pain is over. But yours is just beginning. And God longs for you to let it out and express it in any way you like. He longs to comfort you in the midst of it — just has He has over the past few years.

My heart aches for you. I hardly know you, but was so blessed by your faithful ministry. And it grieves me to know the dark road that lies ahead for you. I lost both my parents within 6 days of each other in July 2003. That’s how I ended up back in LA, for a time of healing.

Lou, you were a huge part of that healing. Your ministry through music was like a healing balm to my broken heart. And you’re kindnesses, encouragement and praise of my mixing nourished my soul and gave me courage to try to fly again.

I wish I had beautiful music and soothing words of comfort to offer you. But I don’t. No one can know the path you walk now. Except God. He knows every inch of it. And He will walk every step of it with you. Try to remember that, especially in the darkness. You have walked so far already, and He has been there. He is faithful. He will be there. Always.

I’m praying for you daily.

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Prayer for the Pardinis

There is a man I worked with while at Mosaic Beverly Hills. His name is Lou Pardini and he’s an amazing keyboardist/songwriter/singer. He was/is the musical director for the worship team there. I loved, I mean, loved working with him!! All the musicians there were amazing. Such talent mixed with humility. Man, that was such an awesome experience! I loved mixing them. It was a pleasure every Sunday. I miss them. I miss mixing them….

Wendy’s been sending me frequent updates on Lou’s son, Louis, who was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and has been in the fight of his life ever since. She posted an update today and the news wasn’t good. And yet it was:

BTW: Just a side note… yesterday Scott, Narda, John & I went to the hospital to see Lou/Louis/ & Betsy. We had an amazing time talking and sharing with Lou… and hearing the things that God had been teaching Lou. I learned yesterday that Louis almost died on New Years Eve. It is a miracle truly that he is still alive. Keep praying for him. The doctors are now saying the last chemo was not good. Every day, every moment is a miracle. Lou shared yesterday that he had told his friends two years ago that he wouldn’t have another moment of joy until Louis was free from his cancer…. And he told us yesterday he could not believe the kind of joy that God had given him in the last two years… along with the pain was such incredible joy… and you know it shows… and it’s beautiful.

I understand so well what Lou is talking about. There is nothing more exhilarating, more joy-filling than crying out to God in pain, frustration, anger, confusion, agony, and suddenly realizing you are standing in His presence, His deep abiding love and grace raining down and soaking you, enveloping you completely in His joyful celebration of you, His passionate affection for you, His gentle compassion for your wounds. The pain is still there, the problems haven’t disappeared, the situation hasn’t changed. But yet you feel such a deep, abiding joy. A joy you can’t explain.  A joy no one can touch. You know God heard you. You know God is there with you.

It’s like when you’re a child and your dad is holding and rocking you after you’ve fallen, comforting you with cooing and kisses. Your knees are still all scrapped and bleeding, they still sting with pain. You’ll still have to go through a time of healing. And it will all hurt for a while. But sitting there on his lap, wrapped up in his strong arms, head against his warm chest, you know you are safe, and loved. And in that moment, all of life is okay.

There is nothing in this world that can compare to the experience Lou and Betsy have had. I believe it’s the essence of true worship.

Thank you, Jesus, so much!, for Lou, Betsy and Louis. They have been a blessing to so many… more than they will ever know. Thank you for giving them this life-changing experience. What a deep well of love and grace, mercy, strength and joy they have to draw from now! You are so sweet to drink from! So soul-nourishing!

Father, I don’t know what your will is. My heart cries out for Louis’ healing. To lose him now… it just doesn’t seem right to me. I know You say death isn’t the end, but it sure feels (and looks) like it from here. But I’m not You. I cannot see what you can. Please, Jesus, let Your will be done now. Let no man or spirit hinder Your will being done in the lives of the Pardinis. Please give each one of them the strength, courage and grace to face the coming days…. and years. All our minutes are in Your hands, Lord. We cry out to You for mercy. We need you, Jesus. Rain on the Pardinis. I know You will. Please, Jesus, move heave and earth to keep the enemy away from them, that they will continually sense and know Your abiding presence each and every day.

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Peace and Love

There are some days I’m in love with my life.

Today is one of those days.

I live in Nashville. I live in freakin’ Nashville, ya’ll!! How cool is that! I love this town! I love the weather outside. It feels like Christmas, like the way I want Christmas to feel. It’s my favorite kind of weather, ever… very overcast and cold, and been lightly raining on and off all day. The Christmas lights shine warmer and sweeter in this kind of atmosphere.

But most of what’s caused me to fall in love with my life — or remember how much there is to love — is a sense of finally getting to a place of normalcy… a place where I’m coming to grips with who I am right now, what I want and that I’m finally ready to start loving and taking care of me.

I’ve been hanging out at home all day. It’s nice not to have to be somewhere. Just kicking back in my comfort clothes and watching a marathon of "America’s Next Top Model". I know, you probably think this is all just a bunch of "reality" tv tripe. But actually, I’m really learning lots about myself as I watch these episodes back-to-back. I’m learning a lot about how my own insecurities about myself have affected my life and the things I’ve tried to accomplish. I’m also see how I’ve sabotaged myself at times through either those insecurities or through my own nasty habit of avoidance and passive tendencies.

I’ve also realized how much of a ham I am. 🙂 I’ve been posing with the models, from my little perch here on the couch. People often comment that I’m very photogenic and I’ve realized much more as I’ve watched how little of that has to do with my looks and how much of it has to do with my determination to allow my personality and that "sparkle" I have inside come out through my face, and especially my eyes. I have a tendency to sort of "pose" my insides on my face every time I see a camera — something Tyra Banks comments is very important for models to do, btw! I don’t know what it is I do… it’s not something I think of as much as it is an attitude I pull from within and "pop" onto my face. It’s just a small thing, but it’s part of who I am. Part of me that I like. And that’s an important step forward for me, as I rediscover myself and work to regain a peace about me.

I had an ultra-fine day yesterday, which adds to my peace and love today. I finally saw Jamie again after nearly three months. I’d seen him briefly in late October. But I hadn’t spent significant time with him in ages, There are just some people who make life totally worth all the agony. Jamie is one of those people. Something in his spirit, his soul, his personality — or all three — creates an incredibly warm atmosphere where ever he is. Not just warm, but "real". Jamie doesn’t play games, or wear masks. He is real, authentic. He absolutely knows who he is and he is completely at peace with that. Not that he doesn’t work at "becoming", he does. But he’s also very comfortable and happy in his own skin.

Maybe that’s why I love being around him, why I feel so much healthier, emotionally and spiritually, after being around him. One of the things I’ve been learning the last few months is how important it is for me to be at home and happy in my own skin, to be at peace with who I am right now. When I’m around Jamie, his peace just naturally rubs of on me. And life is just better.

I want to be like that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be happy and at peace with myself right where I am, even while I’m working to better myself. And I think I’m finally on my way. This last couple of weeks I’ve been even more introspective than normal. I’ve been chewing on a lot of things, things about myself and my life that I’ve hated for a long time… my weight, for example, or where I find myself career-wise. Something has happened in the last few days. I’m not sure what exactly it is — though I’d like to figure it out because I’d like to repeat it — but I’m finding myself more at peace with who I am. I think part of it is just being real about who I am. Not just the weight issue. That, I think, is only one small piece of the whole picture.

There are many parts of me, of my personality, that I’ve either run from, denied or been embarrassed about. I’ve seen them as unfeminine, or unChrist-like. As I’ve been doing more digging into myself and being honest with myself, I’m realizing that my view of these things has been skewed either by others’ opinions and/or my perceptions of others’ opinions.

I’ve always admired and wondered how people live their lives without concern for how others perceive them or what others say to them about them. For so many years I’ve allowed what other people say, and my perception of what they mean by what they say, to impact my opinion of myself. I’ve lived this way as long as I can remember.

I know this blows the mind of some people who know me. Nina, for example, told me a few months back that her experience with me was always one that left her with the strong belief that I didn’t care what others think about me, that their opinions don’t affect me. But the truth is, their words and opinions have a power over me that frightens me.

So I adopted an attitude very early in life, as a way to protect myself. But people’s opinions of me matter far more than is healthy I think.

God’s  opinion of me is the only opinion that’s important. That’s the Truth. But putting that truth into practice and making it a reality in my life will take time. I’m now re-evaluating many things I’ve come to believe about me based on old opinions of others. I’m learning to "judge" myself based on what God says about me. I have to "reprogram" my mind. And, FINALLY,  I’m feeling up to the challenge.

Today has been good. I’m falling in love with myself and rediscovering all there is to love about my life. I’ve had a great day, relaxing, enjoyable and rejuvenating. Today it’s been good to be me. Thanks, God!