Category Archives: Following Jesus

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Desperation & The God of the Cosmic

I applied at PF Chang’s Thursday. For any job they have. That’s when I knew I’m getting desperate for another job. I’m now applying for work I said I never wanted to do. And I’m more than willing to do it. Well, okay, not more than willing, but willing.

It occurred to me that morning morning, on my way to work, that I had underestimated the cost of my newly acquired health insurance. A mild panic began stirring in the pit of my stomach, and I ran through every scripture about God’s faithful provision of needs I could think of on my way to work.

See, my insurance from the IMB finally ran out, so now I have insurance through my temp agency. It’s the most expensive insurance I’ve ever seen. The company "contributes" a set amount (about $2) toward the insurance per hour I work, which doesn’t eliminate the cost, but does help some. I had calculated my payment based on working 30 hours a week. Now that I’m down to 20, the amount I pay goes up. Significantly.

I’ve been listening to a cd of a talk Erwin gave at Christmas (thanks Ron and Lynn for the gift!!) and it in he points out that God is at work not only in the small things in our lives, but cosmically as well. God uses the Herods and — might I even say the Bin Ladens, Bushes and Kerrys — and the other "historic", epic-size things in our lives to advance His purpose for our lives. That’s why Luke begins the story of Jesus by talking about Herod, because He was part of the story. God used the real-time politics and leaders to advance His purposes…"God works in real time. There is nothing that happens in history that God doesn’t use in some way to accomplish His purpose."

He went on to talk about how we often segment our lives, our God-life over here and our everyday-life over there…. and the two never really come together….

"…What we haven’t yet learned to do is see life in a more organic fashion. When you begin to live in intimate relationship with God you start to see the fingerprints of God in everything that’s happening around you… You’re unable to divide between God stuff and non-God stuff…. because you understand that everything connected to your life is connected in some way to God. Even the Herods. Even the Roman Empires, who would not even acknowledge God… He has an amazing way to use [them] as material to advance your life in His purpose. God acts in real time.

It was so encouraging to hear that! Not just for the obvious reason that God is working in real time in and through all the events of my life right now. But also because for quite a long time I’ve been convinced I see God’s fingerprints all over events, both international and in my own sphere of life. People have often looked at me like I was mad — or headed that direction — when I would voice how I could see God’s fingerprints on things. As if by seeing God’s fingerprints I was "blaming" God for the event, or "praising" Him for it. It was neither. It was just that I saw Him in the midst of it. I could see HIm working and moving and acting…

Like with the deaths of my parents. So many things went wrong all at once. Yet every time I look at that time, even as I was going through it in real time, I could see God’s fingerprints all over it. I don’t always see why or how or what He was working toward… I don’t know if I ever will. Even when I get to heaven the answer may still be beyond my capacity to comprehend. But I know He was all over that time. I can see His fingerprints, His imprint, all over it.

So many times in my life this has been the case. It was so wonderful to hear a leader, my pastor no less (and yes, I still consider Erwin my pastor, even though I’m in Nashville…), state that I’m not crazy for what I’ve been seeing.

Back to the cd for a moment… Erwin goes on to say, "there’s nothing random or arbitrary with God." He points out that Zechariah was in the temple that day by what most would call accident. The priests drew lots and Zechariah got the "short end", so to speak. He went about his routine. There was nothing extraordinary or unique about what he was doing. And that’s when he meets God. God acted,

"because God loves to act in the unexpected."

As I listened to this for the first time last Wednesday, I heard God whisper that He is working in this crazy financial/job thing currently going on in my life. I felt a peace come over me, a sense that God’s Spirit was pressing in on me more intensely at that moment. As if He wanted me to really pay attention and get it this time….

There is nothing random or arbitrary in the life of a follower of Christ. There are no accidents, even though it seems we got something by the "luck of the draw." It just ain’t so. God is working. God is acting. Cosmically. In Real Time. And in the  Unexpected.

Do you realize how amazingly favored we are? The God of all creation steps into our lives on a daily basis, He longs to do unique, wild things in our lives. He longs to fill us with a deep, abiding joy — not the loud, excited kind but the quiet, profound kind that roots itself deep in your soul. He acts in real time, in the ordinary, routine events of our lives — like finances and jobs. He steps in and does something wild.

And we, in our deep cynicism, don’t believe. We find ourselves silent, like Zechariah.

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N.O.W.: No Opportunity Wasted

Be careful what you ask for, my friends. Especially from God. He will answer.

I asked for the ability to dream again. I asked to be shown my purpose. These were things I asked God for 2005, my New Year wishes and hopes, if you will. I gave Him the whole year to answer. I know sometimes His answers can be complicated, complex, difficult to grasp all in one sitting.

God seems to live by the motto, "N.O.W.". No Opportunity Wasted. (I like this motto so much that I think I may adopt it as my own). Yesterday this motto was completely unknown to me. But today I can see it all throughout Scripture. It’s so contagious that it seems every true follower and seeker of His seems to have caught it. Paul did:

"I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." I Cor 9:22-23

Jonathan did too, and so did his armor bearer.

Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, "Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised fellows. Perhaps the LORD will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few."

"Do all that you have in mind," his armor-bearer said. "Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul." 1 Sam 14:5-7

Hebrews 11 is filled with examples of people who refused to waste an opportunity.

Erwin calls this "The Jonathan Factor". I have journal entries dating back to January 1996 that refer to his teachings on this idea, and my desire to live it out in my life. After this weekend, however, I think a more accurate nomen would be The God Factor. God, it seems, is determined to never miss an opportunity to answer my questions and help my wishes come true. At least when it comes to discovering why I’m here.

This morning I went to People’s Church and the pastor, Rick White, started a series on, you guessed it, living out your dreams and living as if today were your last day (are you seeing a theme emerge here??). And as if to punctuate His intention, God added His own personal giggle moment in the form of the special music for the morning: "Live Like You Were Dying".

….I’ll just leave it at that.

Early in the service Rick asked us to quickly jot down one dream we have, that if we could do anything we wanted, what would it be. Then he asked us to write down one thing we’d change if we knew that we only had one day left to live (gee, does any of this sound familiar?). Both questions caught me off guard. How the heck did this man know to speak to these issues right now??? I hardly had time to contemplate any of this before the answer to the dream question popped into my head. It came so fast and with such clarity my brain got whiplash.

I want to write. If I could have one dream come true, if I could do one thing in life, it would be to write. Books, magazine articles, poetry, fiction, non-fiction… you name it. Keeping this blog updated, if nothing else, has shown me how deep my love for writing goes. Writing my newsletters when I was overseas — and which I am grossly behind in doing right now — also taught me how much I love to write. Sometimes I agonize over every word, other times they just flow, effortlessly, and my fingers can’t type fast enough to keep up with the rush of thoughts surging from my mind and heart.

If I could do one thing with the rest of my life, it would be to write. Spending hours thinking, musing, contemplating and then committing it all to paper. And getting paid for it!! That would do my heart good!

Neil Clark Warren once said, "Don’t try to figure out what the world needs and then go out and do it. Find out what ignites you, what brings you to life, and then go do that."

Writing is one of the things that does that for me. There are several others, but I’ll leave those for later discussions.

Could it be that this is the purpose God made me for? I don’t have any idea, but at least I’ve rediscovered one of my dreams! That in itself is no small miracle.

The second question, what one thing would I change if I knew I only had one day left to live… that one took longer to come to me. It wasn’t until later in the afternoon, after I’d spent a couple of hours wandering WalMart and was on my way home, sun shining down through the open sunroof, Mercy Me cd blaring through my speakers, that I thought of the thing I would change.

I would spend the rest of my time alive pouring love on my family. So often I have neglected them in favor of relationships with friends, or ministry opportunities. My relationship with Nina and Toby has become one of the most precious things to me since mom and dad died. And I realized today how much time I spent looking for love and "belonging" and "family" from friends rather than from her. If I knew I only had one day left to live, I would spend it with Nina. Pouring into her all the love and grace and Life God has poured into me.

I realize that’s not the acceptable Christian answer these days. You’re supposed to say that you would spend the rest of your time, that one day, pouring into those who don’t know Jesus, those who don’t yet have a relationship with Him, especially those who’ve never heard of Him — like those in far away places. That’s what we were created for, ultimately, right? Bringing glory to God and bringing new people into the Kingdom? So why is it, then, that those things are not my heart’s desire for my last days on earth? Does this make me a "bad" Christian?

A few days ago I got word that our team leader was stepping down due to some family issues. This afternoon I learned more about the situation; a marriage in trouble, a wife feeling second or even third place to ministry, a husband focused on serving God not realizing his zeal left his wife feeling neglected.

While going through the candidate process with the IMB, we were told that family resistance is the number one reason many people end up not going overseas, and one of the biggest struggles families on the field have. Yet at the same time, family are the ones most often neglected by those of us in ministry. Our hearts are in the right place, but perhaps our bodies aren’t. Where is the balance?

Have we gotten so ministry-focused, so evangelism-happy, that we have lost sight of God’s priorities for our lives? Are we using Jesus’ words when he said, “Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters–yes, even one’s own self!-can’t be my disciple." (Luke 14:26) as an excuse to ignore our families, to put them last on our priority list?

Where is the line? Especially for a single woman like me? It would be easy to draw if I were married — the line of priorities starts with my husband. But where do I draw it when I don’t have one?

I have no answers to my questions. Just as I have no answers as to how I will accomplish my writing dream, or whether that’s the purpose God created me for…. That seems to be the way of God. Understanding Him and His ways is like trying to understand the whole of the cosmos. Every answer leads to more questions.

No Opportunity Wasted. I felt proud today to know John. He didn’t waste the opportunity to put his wife and family before ministry.

No Opportunity Wasted. — to pour out love on others, to give grace, to enjoy life to its fullest. Teach me, Lord, how to suck the marrow out of Life every single day.

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith. Gal 6:9-10 – The Message

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Live Like You Were Dying

Wendy

If you knew that you were going to be gone this time tomorrow … what would you do? If you knew a loved one was going to be gone this time tomorrow what would you do? Erwin used to tell of relationships that were gone before he could resolve them… and reminded people that they may never have a chance to get a relationship right… and to make sure when you left a person… you were straight … that anything was possible.

This question haunts me every time I hear it.

What would I do if I found out tomorrow that I had only a few days left to life? Last year my answer would have — and did the few times I revealed it — scared my friends out of their minds. Last year I would have surrendered happily and eagerly to death. I longed for it, prayed for it, begged God for it every night.

But every morning I woke up.

Unanswered prayers…..

Now that life is beginning to come back into my spirit, I again find myself facing this question. Louis’ death, Wendy’s pondering, Tim McGraw’s song all reverberate in my soul. What does it mean to "live like you were dyin’"? For the man Tim McGraw sings about it was bull riding, sky diving, spending hours fishing with his dad. But it was also being the husband that he hadn’t been as well as becoming the friend that a friend would love to have. It was loving deeper, speaking sweeter and giving forgiveness he’d been holding back.

Would my list be as comprehensive and well-rounded? Or would it be filled with only trivial, selfish desires? It’s hard to know until you’re actually there.

My daily reading in "Failing Forward" dealt with the 10 reasons why people fail. #10 on the list was "No Goals." Maxwell says,

Joe L. Griffith believes "A goal is nothing more than a dream with a time limit." Many people don’t have goals because they haven’t allowed themselves to dream. As a result, they don’t possess a desire.

It’s been a long time since I was able to dream, really dream, about the future. The events of the last couple of years drove my heart into hiding. It refuses to go to dreamland anymore. I’m trying my best to coax it out of the cave it’s cowering in, but so far it hasn’t ventured out from under shelter.

I don’t know how to dream anymore. Not big dreams, like the grand ones I used to have. The best I’ve been able to muster is my "Get Healthy" resolution/goal for this year.

Will the ability to dream come back? Will I ever be able to dream big dreams with God again? Without dreams, I don’t know how to answer Wendy’s question. I only know that I want to. For the first time in over a year, I want to Live like I was dying….

Like tomorrow was a gift
And you’ve got to eternity to think of what
you did with it
What did you do with it?
What did I do with it?

I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
…One day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying

"Live Like You Were Dying" written by Tim Nichols and Craig Wiseman; from the Tim McGraw album by the same name

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Dreaming of Dead People

I wrote this yesterday…. I thought I hit "Publish" but I hit "Save as Draft" instead. Proof that my brains are full of cotton and snot right now….

December 29, 2004 — 12:30pm
I’m about to go out of my mind. I can’t think straight to save my life (how I think this entry will make sense to anyone is beyond me), my nose, which finally quite running about an hour ago, is so painful to the touch it makes me cry — which doesn’t help with the runny-ness — my throat feels like I just screamed my heart out at a Panthers game for 10 hours straight (if only!), my head is so full of cotton and snot that I can’t hear myself think — forget hearing other people talk! — my chest feels like a huge elephant has taken up residence on it and I’m so tired I’m about to do a face-plant into my keyboard even as I type (wouldn’t that be attractive — the president of the organization comes in to ask me a question and I’ve got the imprint of the F5 through F8 keys on my forehead).

I want to go home so bad I can hardly stand it. But I’m the only one on our team in the office this week, and given that my hours are getting cut back to next to nothing next week, I gotta get all I can into this week. Thank God the office is closed Friday. I have a genuine excuse to lay around the apartment all day in my pjs, doing my best death-groan and generally being as anti-social as I currently feel, but cannot express.

I miss my old life in LA very badly right now. As I hauled my lead-filled body around the apartment this morning getting ready for work, I had a potent flash of the Paramount lot — green grass, beautiful park-like settings, rows of huge airplane-hanger studios, makeup trailers and goodie carts everywhere. Oh, how I miss the campus feel of a studio lot!! Whatever you need is right at your fingertips. No need to drive anywhere. Need a dry cleaner? Over by the mailroom. Bagels and cream cheese? The cart in front of the Bluhdorn. Stocking stuffers? Go to the company store. Magazines? Snack? Smoothie? Kiosk. Hair salon? Yep, got that too.

Even the quiet after-Christmas-pre-New-Year dead-ness every studio has during this time of year would be a welcome gift to me.

Security. Belonging. Safety. Friendship. Fun. That’s what a studio lot signifies in my heart. How I long for those things right now! Oh, to go back in time, to a magical period of Paramount employment surrounded by friends and safely ensconced in my entertainment life and Mosaic world…. It would be like falling into a feathery-soft, warm bed and drawing the fluffy comforter all the way up to your chin… Warm, inviting, comforting, enveloping. Peaceful.

Ugh, just writing that made me miss my bed all the more. Isn’t it time to go home yet????

I was so ready to get another producer’s assistant job and just settle into life in LA before God stirred me up for Nashville. All I want, all I’ve really wanted all year, was to nest for a while. To curl up in a warm home and rest my head on soft pillows, like I watched Nina’s dogs do this weekend. Yes, I want to live like a dog for awhile. Someone feed me, love on me and let me hang out at home while they go do all those silly busy things of life we all get caught up in.

God stirred up my heart — dreams awakened and stretched their limbs. Energy surged. For a while I felt rejuvenate and ready to re-enter the world. That energy carried me quite a while before the dreams faltered… faded… ran for cover…. —- what did happen to them???

December arrived, bringing with it the allure of a new year. New beginnings. Fresh starts. The promise of January always arouses hope in my heart — no matter how deep its buried. Each day I got more fired up. Ready to start new ventures, make fresh starts on "old" ones. Forget turning over those leaves, let’s just rake ’em up into a pile and jump in and play awhile.

I guess I developed a case of the holiday blues along with my cold. More accurately it’s the post-holiday blues. I did okay through the holidays, but now that they’re over, some of the shine seems to have worn off the reality of life. Something about those little white twinkle lights seems to soften all of life and put a warm glow over everything. Now that Christmas is over, and it’s time to take the buggers down, life seems to have lost some of it’s magic.

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Obstacles or Opportunities?

While sitting at the airport in Charlotte this morning I checked my work voicemail and found out they are cutting my hours again. It’s official now, I’m only a part-timer. 20 hours tops. Yikes!

I struggled most of the morning with a growing self-pity over the frustrating lack of employment opportunities I’ve found in Nashville. My bills already outweigh my income. And now, losing another 10-12 hours a week, that gap becomes even bigger. But if I leave this temp agency, I lose my medical benefits. What do I do???

Having a nasty cold didn’t help my disposition. Or my thought processes.

Over and over I cried out to God to help me, to keep me from sinking in a financial quicksand…. but that was all I could think to pray: "Jesus help me!" Once I was airborne, I popped in Rita Springer’s cd, blocked out the rest of the world and focused my mind completely on God. At last I was able to think more clearly.

As I talked with God about this developing situation, I remembered the things I’d been reading and learning from Failing Forward. Things like seeing obstacles and problems as opportunities rather than chains and walls is what separates people who get stuck from people who fail forward. As all these various thoughts settled into the front of my memory, I felt a calm and peace begin to settle over me. And a determination to plow through this season so I can see what’s on the other side.

In the hours since arriving back in Nashville that feeling has faded. Perhaps its this cotton-head I have in place of a brain and the painful bright red thing that’s replaced my nose, that’s stolen my peace. I’m tired and light-headed. All I want is to sleep for a week and wake up to a new year and a new job. Perhaps even a new life.

Yet even as I type I know I already have that. Every day is a new life for me. I know in my heart I don’t feel as down and dark about the future as I currently sound. It really is the cold talking more than me when I spew that stuff…

And at the same time I am fighting a battle for my mind. I’ve been a person who’s seen obstacles as often as I’ve seen opportunities. Especially in the workplace. Makes me wonder at times if I’ve  consistently pursued the wrong vocation…

There are times when I find failure and problems and obstacles exhilarating. When I’m mixing sound, or editing some text, or writing text, or when I get a sudden inspiration and want to know or understand something deeper,  obstacles, failures and problems are challenges I take on with passion and intensity. I love solving those kinds of problems! I’ll take those on even at 6am — no minor miracle for a night owl like me.

But turn me toward problems with finances, or finding a job, or basic administrative duties and I’m suddenly paralyzed with fear, doubt and dark thoughts.

In Failing Forward, John Maxwell tells stories of various people who failed numerous times before finally realizing their dreams. In one he talks about John James Audubon, the man the Audubon Society was named for. He diligently pursued business venture after venture, all of which failed, convinced his vocation was there, and hunting and art were just hobbies. It wasn’t until his family was destitute and needed the food his hunting could provide and the money his art brought it that he finally found success.

I’ve often wondered…. how do you know when the obstacles you encounter are signposts screaming that you’re going the wrong way, and when they are mountains you need to climb to get where you want to go? How do I know the difference between problems caused because I’m on the "wrong bus," as it were, on the wrong path, and problems that are "just the price I pay to achieve my goals" (as Maxwell defines failure)?

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Christmas Gift of Life

Jesus gave me a gift over 2,000 years ago. We celebrate the beginning of the gift Saturday — by giving gifts to others. Last Thanksgiving Nina and Toby introduced me to a new way to give. It’s called Pheresis.

Apheresis — Give Life, American Red Cross

In an apheresis (ay-fur-ee-sis) donation, from the Greek "to take away," donors give only select blood components — platelets, plasma, red cells, infection-fighting white cells called granulocytes, or a combination of these, depending on the donors’ blood type and the needs of the community. Apheresis is most commonly used to collect platelets and plasma….. A single apheresis donation of platelets can provide as many platelets as 5 whole blood donations. In addition, a platelet transfusion from a single donor greatly reduces the chances of an immune system reaction to the transfusion. Bone marrow transplant, cancer and leukemia patients whose immune systems are already compromised, benefit particularly from single donor platelet transfusions.

To date, I’ve given over one gallon (!!) of platelets and blood through this process. Its a little time-consuming, and a bit arduous, but it is worth every minute of discomfort to know that I’m providing a vital gift of life for someone like my friend Helen, who’s bravely fought cancer for several years now. Each time I give, I do it in Helen’s honor. Even though I know that my platelets will probably go to someone in need in the Carolinas, and not to Helen, who’s in Texas.

Nina made an appointment for us and yesterday we both went up into Charlotte and spent a few hours donating our platelets. Soon I hope to find a place in Nashville where I can give as well. I’m not smart enough to cure cancer, but I can at least do something to help. And I found out yesterday that since I’m O-Negative (blood type) I’m needed for more than just platelets… they need my red cells as well. Next time I plan to give both.

Please visit their website, call the number, 1-800-GIVE LIFE, and give the Gift of Life to a cancer patient this holiday season.

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Choices

Every day I make them. One choice naturally leads me down a path to another. And another. When the alarm goes off, do I turn it off and crawl back in bed, or stay up and stretch, awaken my mind and get the day started? On and on it goes, till my mind shuts down and I fall asleep.

Then my subconscious takes over and begins making choices of its own, showing me in dreams those things I ignore, rail against and enjoy in waking life.

This morning’s dream was vivid, the taste of it remains even now, hours after waking. In it I made choices to leave the past in the past, even though it was tempting me to revisit. I made choices to decorate a new home, to patch holes in broken windows (hey, it worked in the dream), and begin — or continue — new conversations. I’m not in a mood to delve into the deep meanings of the dream. What remains of it is mainly a feeling of forward movement.

I’ve got many choices before me. I guess in that I’m very fortunate. There are people, even in this country, who’s choices are very limited. Some feel they don’t have any. I remember a time, not too long ago, when I felt the same. I don’t think it was the reality, because nothing in my circumstances has changed for the better; if anything my circumstances are grimmer this Christmas than last. My earnings have dropped substantially and my bills have grown.

What has changed is my perspective. I see the plethora of choices before me, whereas even a few months ago, I couldn’t see many, if any. That tends to leave a person feeling hopelessly stuck.

Seeing all the choices laying before me, I can’t help but sing. Even knowing that the choices I want to make each day will create more choices, and will take a lot of energy and determination to see through to the end… even still, my heart sings.

"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God’s Sunrise will break in upon us, shining on those in the darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death. Then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace." — Luke 1:78-79

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Decisions

Life is an endless string of them. Why is that? Why is it that just when I think I’ve got it down, I’ve made my decision, the universe leads me around a corner and smack into another choice.

Grrr…

Some decisions I’ve made over the last few days haven’t led to new choices. Yet. Some decisions are in front of me right now because of choices made by others, which then requires that I make a choice. Kind of like a never-ending game of chess. Move. Counter-move. Counter-move to the counter-move… Ai-yah! My head hurts.

I suppose most people would find all this decision-making exciting, and grown-up-ish. I find it all quite annoying right now. I’d really like my life to settle down for a while, get a little normalcy going. I’ve been living like a nomadic nerfherder for so long it’s hard to remember what stability feels like. I have just enough memory of its taste to make my heart salivate for more, and cause my mind to insist its only a mirage.

Bill Sackheim once gave me a piece of advice — well, actually Bill was full of advice — but one nugget he gave me when I first started working with him came back to my mind with brutal force recently. He regretted having his name attached to a particular piece of… um, well, a movie… He could tell me exactly the day, hour, even minute that he knew the project was going south. But he kept his name attached, and, as Bill always did, worked his butt off desperately trying to salvage a once-decent script. It didn’t work. He hated the movie. And he hated the fact that his name was now forever linked with something that in his mind was a piece of garbage. His advice to me was, "the moment you smell the winds change and see the project headed in the toilet, get out. As fast as you can, get your name off the project and keep it off. Don’t let your name or reputation (and in Hollywood the two are synonymous) be soiled by a project you no longer believe in or like."

For many decisions I make, I write my name in pencil, because I’m just not sure. Some, I write in pen, because, while there are still a few lingering questions, I’m ready for that dotted line, and all that comes with it. Only one decision have I written my name in blood, because I was willing and ready to shed mine for that decision. That’s my decision to follow Jesus, no matter what it costs me. There is no other decision I will ever make in my life where I will sign in blood. None.

In Hollywood, contracts are signed in pen — though I’m sure some felt like they’d been in blood, for all the bloodletting that preceded the signing. Even the most binding of those contracts can be broken. To pull your name off a project may cost you a pretty penny, but it won’t cost you your life.

In the world of Christians, we usually don’t sign contracts. At least not officially. Yet, the commitment made on the part of one party to another can sometimes be confused with the commitment made to God. One, or all, of the parties may have unspoken — even subconscious — expectations that all signers have signed in blood, because, this is, after all, "Kingdom Work". What happens then, when a few, or even just one, of the parties isn’t happy with the direction the project is going? Can you pull your name off, or are you bound to it, even knowing that it is not the kind of "kingdom work" you want your name attached to?

And, most vexing of all, once I’ve signed in ink, can I erase it and go back to pencil?

The chess game goes on…

Perhaps after a year or two of what the rest of the world might call boring — you know, working the same job, living in the same country, that sort of things — I’ll be ready for some more turn-my-life-upside-down kind of stuff. But please, can I just have a year or two off the merry-go-round? I’m feeling a little nauseous.

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Peace and Love

There are some days I’m in love with my life.

Today is one of those days.

I live in Nashville. I live in freakin’ Nashville, ya’ll!! How cool is that! I love this town! I love the weather outside. It feels like Christmas, like the way I want Christmas to feel. It’s my favorite kind of weather, ever… very overcast and cold, and been lightly raining on and off all day. The Christmas lights shine warmer and sweeter in this kind of atmosphere.

But most of what’s caused me to fall in love with my life — or remember how much there is to love — is a sense of finally getting to a place of normalcy… a place where I’m coming to grips with who I am right now, what I want and that I’m finally ready to start loving and taking care of me.

I’ve been hanging out at home all day. It’s nice not to have to be somewhere. Just kicking back in my comfort clothes and watching a marathon of "America’s Next Top Model". I know, you probably think this is all just a bunch of "reality" tv tripe. But actually, I’m really learning lots about myself as I watch these episodes back-to-back. I’m learning a lot about how my own insecurities about myself have affected my life and the things I’ve tried to accomplish. I’m also see how I’ve sabotaged myself at times through either those insecurities or through my own nasty habit of avoidance and passive tendencies.

I’ve also realized how much of a ham I am. 🙂 I’ve been posing with the models, from my little perch here on the couch. People often comment that I’m very photogenic and I’ve realized much more as I’ve watched how little of that has to do with my looks and how much of it has to do with my determination to allow my personality and that "sparkle" I have inside come out through my face, and especially my eyes. I have a tendency to sort of "pose" my insides on my face every time I see a camera — something Tyra Banks comments is very important for models to do, btw! I don’t know what it is I do… it’s not something I think of as much as it is an attitude I pull from within and "pop" onto my face. It’s just a small thing, but it’s part of who I am. Part of me that I like. And that’s an important step forward for me, as I rediscover myself and work to regain a peace about me.

I had an ultra-fine day yesterday, which adds to my peace and love today. I finally saw Jamie again after nearly three months. I’d seen him briefly in late October. But I hadn’t spent significant time with him in ages, There are just some people who make life totally worth all the agony. Jamie is one of those people. Something in his spirit, his soul, his personality — or all three — creates an incredibly warm atmosphere where ever he is. Not just warm, but "real". Jamie doesn’t play games, or wear masks. He is real, authentic. He absolutely knows who he is and he is completely at peace with that. Not that he doesn’t work at "becoming", he does. But he’s also very comfortable and happy in his own skin.

Maybe that’s why I love being around him, why I feel so much healthier, emotionally and spiritually, after being around him. One of the things I’ve been learning the last few months is how important it is for me to be at home and happy in my own skin, to be at peace with who I am right now. When I’m around Jamie, his peace just naturally rubs of on me. And life is just better.

I want to be like that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be happy and at peace with myself right where I am, even while I’m working to better myself. And I think I’m finally on my way. This last couple of weeks I’ve been even more introspective than normal. I’ve been chewing on a lot of things, things about myself and my life that I’ve hated for a long time… my weight, for example, or where I find myself career-wise. Something has happened in the last few days. I’m not sure what exactly it is — though I’d like to figure it out because I’d like to repeat it — but I’m finding myself more at peace with who I am. I think part of it is just being real about who I am. Not just the weight issue. That, I think, is only one small piece of the whole picture.

There are many parts of me, of my personality, that I’ve either run from, denied or been embarrassed about. I’ve seen them as unfeminine, or unChrist-like. As I’ve been doing more digging into myself and being honest with myself, I’m realizing that my view of these things has been skewed either by others’ opinions and/or my perceptions of others’ opinions.

I’ve always admired and wondered how people live their lives without concern for how others perceive them or what others say to them about them. For so many years I’ve allowed what other people say, and my perception of what they mean by what they say, to impact my opinion of myself. I’ve lived this way as long as I can remember.

I know this blows the mind of some people who know me. Nina, for example, told me a few months back that her experience with me was always one that left her with the strong belief that I didn’t care what others think about me, that their opinions don’t affect me. But the truth is, their words and opinions have a power over me that frightens me.

So I adopted an attitude very early in life, as a way to protect myself. But people’s opinions of me matter far more than is healthy I think.

God’s  opinion of me is the only opinion that’s important. That’s the Truth. But putting that truth into practice and making it a reality in my life will take time. I’m now re-evaluating many things I’ve come to believe about me based on old opinions of others. I’m learning to "judge" myself based on what God says about me. I have to "reprogram" my mind. And, FINALLY,  I’m feeling up to the challenge.

Today has been good. I’m falling in love with myself and rediscovering all there is to love about my life. I’ve had a great day, relaxing, enjoyable and rejuvenating. Today it’s been good to be me. Thanks, God!