Category Archives: Following Jesus

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Why

Larry, you asked me a very important question:

"…if living with Jesus means life is going to hold a lot more trouble and pain than it otherwise would, what makes it worthwhile? Why is walking with Jesus worth all the confusion?"

Your question pre-supposes it all is worth it. Which is one of the things I so like about it, and about you. You don’t look at life with Jesus as needing worth, only as needing explanation for its worth.

I wish I had some deep theological, Biblical answer for you. But I don’t. I can only tell you this: I don’t know for certain.

I realize that’s more brute honesty than some can stomach. But I don’t have any concrete answers. I think that’s the reason things get so dark for me at times. I’m still learning to trust God that He will make it all worth it. I look behind me, at the last four years, and I think, "I gave up everything for You, Jesus. And look what I got in return. If this is what the rest of my life will be like, I don’t know that its worth it."

Yet, at the same time, there is no way I can deny His deep, abiding presence and love. When others left my side, He did not. When others doubted my decisions, He confirmed my desires. When others tire of my whiny depression, He continues to encourage me — to breathe life and courage and inspiration into me. He has proved Himself faithful to the core and loving beyond all imagining.

Nor can I deny His provision. I took a look around my clean home last night (which is ready for my first small group tonight), at all the wonderful, beautiful things within it and at the pizza I was about to devour and deeply thanked Jesus for His gracious, bountiful provision.

Yet I doubt.

Its okay to laugh at that. Can you hear me chuckle at myself? Its just one of the crazy issues I deal with. What can I say? I’m broken and here’s proof.

Perhaps right now I’m like John the Baptist, sending out my "peeps" to Jesus for answers, "are you the one, or should we look for another?" In other words, "uh, hello, Jesus! I’m in prison here. Its dark and the future doesn’t look good. You gonna come get me out of here, or should I look for another Savior."

Except I’m not asking "are you the One?" I know He is. I’m just asking, "are you gonna deliver me from this?"

Jesus answers to me are much the same as He gave John. "I see you, my Love. I know where you are and what you think the future holds. Who Am I? What does your heart and soul and experiences tell you? Believe. But no, I’m not going to change your circumstances. Will you believe even without a rescue? Will you go to your grave, without rescue, believing I Am the One? Or must you have your rescue to believe? Blessed are you who don’t lose hope in Me even when I don’t come for you."

So what does make it worth it? What made it worth it for John, who certainly had it worse than me? Perhaps you are right,

"…Could it be that we really do hunger and thirst for God’s touch in our lives? Truth in not just fact, but in feeling and all other areas of human life?"

I follow Jesus because I love Him more than anything, ever. I crave His touch, I live to hear His whisper in my soul and feel the brush of His hand across my heart.

He is the Great Love of my life. Truly. And in the end, He is what makes the gritty, unplugged life worth it.

Morpheus was the one in the Matrix who made Neo’s life worth it (well, that and fantasies of Trinity). Morpheus believed in Neo, even when no one else did. He trained Neo, worked with him and beside him, defended him, encouraged, challenged and led him. Without Morpheus, Neo wouldn’t have lasted long.

I get up in the morning and drag my sorry behind into the shower, all sleepy and uninspired. It’s Jesus who celebrates the new day, and celebrates me in all my weirdness. And in all my potential glory. He’s the one who inspires me. He’s the One who makes the day worth it.

I have so many wants and desires and, perhaps even a few dreams left. And I still struggle with the belief utter conviction that my life will be worth living "if" and "when" I gain or achieve these things.

Jesus is working His butt off to convince me that those aren’t the things worth living for; even the dreams about advancing His Kingdom. Even those dreams aren’t worth living or dying for. The Kingdom itself isn’t worth it.

That sounds like heresy. I know it does. But I promise you, this is what I hear and see God pulling me into. "Am I not enough?" He said last week.

When I went overseas, the IMB encouraged us to have a "life verse", one that you could share with others that kind of sums up what you are about. People had all these wonderful verses about sharing the Gospel with the world or taking Christ to the ends of the earth, that kind of thing. I’d never had a "life verse". The closest thing I’d had was one of my favorite verses, 2 Cor 9:15 "Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!". After much prayer and searching, I chose to make Philippians 3:10-11, a passage that had come to be my goal in life, as the verses I put on my prayer cards. I figured it would be my "life passage" until God put another one in my spirit. But as the last four years have progressed, the verses just prior to that have come to mean a great deal to me as well. And I think they are the ones that Jesus is working so hard to convince me are to be my reason to live, the thing that makes this unplugged, Abundant Life so worth every agony and every struggle and every…. everything.

Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One), And that I may [actually] be found and known as in Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own, based on my obedience to the Law’s demands (ritualistic uprightness and supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly] right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith. — Phil 3:8-9, Amplified Bible

Five years ago next month I was sitting in a flat in North Delhi, India reading this very passage wondering how in the world Paul, so accomplished and talented and acclaimed, could say that all he had and achieved was garbage in comparison to knowing Jesus. I couldn’t see it. My materialistic, position-conscious heart couldn’t understand it.

I’ve experienced and learned a lot in these intervening years. And I’m coming to a place of understanding. I beginning to grasp the truth of Paul’s words and the reality that knowing Jesus really is worth more than all the riches, all the power and all the glory and accolades of this world. Slowly but surely God has been stripping me of each of these things and teaching me that they can never satisfy the hunger of my soul. Only His touch can do that.

And that is why it is all worth it.

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Life Unplugged

"Sometimes we want God to be more committed to the ‘quality of our lives’ than the quality of our character. God is far less interested in making sure your life goes well and everything goes smooth and far more interested in carving and shaping you into the kind of human being that you were created to become. To live a life of extraordinary courage." — Erwin McManus, "Extraordinary Courage"

Matrix02_2 Neo took a pill and woke up in a tub of goop. He’d gone in search of the Matrix and taken the pill on the promise he would find it. He didn’t know that the only way to discover the truth of the Matrix was by being unplugged from it. But he found out.

Over 7 years ago I prayed a prayer and woke up in my own tub of goop. I’d gone in search of the promised and seemingly mythical Abundant Life. I wanted to live, really live, and know that God was responsible for the Life I experienced (Ezek 37:14). I’d lived a safe and sane life, one that promised happiness and ease. But I was decided unhappy, and wholly dissatisfied. I wanted to be a spiritual Jackie Chan, jumping off high places in the name of Jesus and doing all manner of amazing and crazy things for His pleasure. I wanted to risk it all and see what happened. I’d been a Christian since I was 6 and a true, committed follower of Jesus for nearly 5 years, and I had no idea I was still connected to the Matrix. Or perhaps I’d been unplugged years ago, but just hadn’t awakened…

After my prayer my life went crazy. Everything from relationships to job and living situations were turned upside down. I went overseas, first for 4 months, then for what I believed was the rest of my life. I sold everything that wouldn’t fit in my 300 sq. ft crate and left my own country and old life behind. I jumped off that spiritual cliff. I thought I was finally getting "plugged in". But in reality, I was just like Neo; I’d been flushed from the Matrix and was now living in a far different world than what I thought I’d find. Looking back now I see that it wasn’t until I prayed that prayer and took the "whatever You say I’ll do and where ever You go I’ll follow" pill that I began to live the unplugged life. Isn’t it amazing that a Christian, even a follower of Jesus, can still live under the influence of the Matrix, to still live a life plugged in, still believing the in the false images given us by the enemy of our souls?

When you think of Abundant Life, what are words that immediately come to your mind? Shout ’em out right now. Turn them over in your mind for a few moments. Here are some of mine: Joy. Fulfillment. Satisfaction. Contentment. Hope. Overflowing love.

If I was brutally honest I would also include: Purposeful, dynamic, larger-than-life, powerful and power-filled, filled with positive emotions and with confidence, courage and character.

Words that I would never have associated with Abundant Life were things like: agonizing, utter discontentment, painful and pain-filled, uncertainty, fear, confusion, dissatisfaction, anger, frustration, sometimes overwhelming hopelessness, just plain overwhelming, powerlessness, helplessness and brokenness.

There’s a character in the movie (Cypher?) that betrays our heroes, Neo, Morpheus and Trinity, because he’s fed up with the dank, crusty, gritty, tasteless, pain-filled unplugged life. He wants to be reintegrated into the Matrix and he wants to have no memory of his life outside.

I understand him. I understand his longing, his ache. I understand his betrayal of all that is heroic to fully embrace blissful ignorance in order to regain contentment with the illusions I once had of what life was really all about.

I understand because I feel it. I’m there, man. I’m there. I understand the desire to give anything to go back to living a life of illusion and ignorance. I would almost give anything to live back in the illusion; the lie that a great job, a nice car, a husband and kids and all the other trappings of this world could bring me happiness and fulfillment. Heck, I would even take the churchy Matrix that loving God and serving in some ministry will bring me success and fulfillment beyond my dreams.

We as the church, as the body of Christ, have done ourselves and all our descendants such wrong! We have believed and perpetuated a lie about the true nature of the Abundant Life Jesus comes to bring. We’ve bought a bill of goods that is just as fake and untrue as the Matrix.

Jesus Himself said, "In the world you will have many troubles… they will persecute you as they have persecuted me… take up your cross and follow me…" And yet we tell ourselves that if we serve God He will make sure we’re at peace, that we don’t get seriously hurt, and that all the bad things that happen to us (because surely we will have bad things happen, we’re not that naive) will not get us down for long, and won’t be too horrific or unbearable (He does promise us that we won’t be given anything we can’t handle, doesn’t He?). What kind of picture of Abundant Life does this all leave us with? Life will be good, in that happily-ever-after kind of way.

It never occurs to us that living life unplugged from the Matrix means a life of running and dodging, of striking the enemy then going into stealth mode to avoid capture. That it will mean living in rags, eating slop more fit for pigs than people and living with the scars and implants of our former, Matrix-ed life. Scars that, oddly enough, are the very way we reconnect to the Matrix in order to rescue those still trapped within. Paul’s life, Stephen’s life, the lives of the other apostles are all anomalies. It doesn’t happen that way anymore. Our sacrifices are on a much smaller, more containable, manageable scale.

Or so we tell ourselves.

Since being unplugged those years ago, I have experienced more heartache, more heartbreak, more agony, pain, suffering, anxiety, and overwhelming fear than I ever did in my life in the Christian Matrix. I have never been more dissatisfied with life on this earth, never been more frustrated with the here and now, never been more anxious about not only the unknown future but the next step I see before me as well.

I struggle daily with the realities of my unplugged life. The Matrix calls  my name, sometimes shouts it so loud I can’t hear anything else. Don’t get me wrong. I have good days. Days when I feel like I can conquer anything that comes my way because God is with me. Moments when all the pieces come together and I catch a glimpse of the whole picture, and it is glorious, beautiful beyond compare and I get it. Lapses of happiness, contentment and fulfillment. But they are momentary and fleeting. I don’t live there, I just visit from time-to-time.  Many days I cower in fear of every little noise. Those days get pretty dark. And last week, for various reasons not worth mentioning here, was really dark.

In those days I beg Jesus to let me come home. Life can get too dark sometimes, you know? For me, the last  4 years have been full of darkness, with occasional shafts of light. Yet I believe. I believe. I believe God. That He does love me. That there is a plan, a reason for all this.

So a battle rages within me. I struggle between my heart’s desire to be done with this "life" and move into the eternal life beyond, and God’s pull, ever so strong, to stay connected and engaged in the here and now, the gritty unplugged life He’s brought me into.

"As long as I’m alive in this body, there is good work for me to do. If I had to choose right now, I hardly know which I’d choose. Hard choice! The desire to break camp here and be with Christ is powerful. Some days I can think of nothing better." — Paul, Letter to the Philippians 1:22-23, The Message

Every day I wake up and I’m still in the here and now. So I know there is some reason for me to be here. Some purpose left undone.

Last week I cried out again, in my darkness, and I asked God, "why am I here? Why am I alive?" He answered with a question:

"Am I not enough?"

Yeah, let that one sink in a moment.

I have a decision to make. Is He enough? Am I willing to let Him be enough? I don’t think I’d ever really understood the old Christian phrase until I heard Jesus whisper it to me last week:

"Live for Me. Live. For. Me."

Am I willing to live for Him? Not in that sweet, fluffy, dreamy way it comes across in my happier, brighter moments, but in the gritty, ‘Zion-bound’ way of the Matrix heroes? Not in the sense of, "yes, I live because I owe Him my life." But in the, "yes, because You love me and because You ask, I will do it, even though it’s not my first (or second or… 15th…) choice. I will live because You ask and I love You. And only because."

Is that enough? Is that righteous? Is this what "dying to self" really is?

I wish I knew.

I only know this is where I choose live because of love. Unplugged.

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Clarity Does Not Equal Resolution

Just because I know something, understand something, doesn’t mean the problem is solved and all is well with the world again. It’s just the opposite.

Now that I know myself better, understand myself more, I realize I have a whole lot of work in front of me to become more than I am today. I cannot rest on my clarity. I have to use that clarity as a stepping stone to healing and wholeness.
And that takes work.

A whole lot of work.

I don’t like work. Its hard and painful and messy. And this kind of work, this transformational renewing of my mind kind of work is really hard. Its exhausting.

I’ve spent the last two hours delving into one passage of Scripture working to retrain myself to operate in the realm of God-thoughts instead of Lu-feelings.

I get scared, guys. I get so very scared. I’m just one big ‘fraidy-cat. And tonight I headed straight for panic-attack city. Yes, once again. You have to be tired of hearing about my fear of everything. I know I’m tired of living it. It seems I live on the edge of Panic Cliff, at the base of which is Panic City. One mis-step and I’m over the cliff, hanging in mid-air like Wile E. Coyote waiting for gravity to assert itself on me. And then its down I go.

I’ve been challenged to stop living by my feelings and start living a thought-based life. The only way to do that is to take my focus off me and turn my gaze God-ward. To take my feelings captive and make them obedient to Jesus. —- Okay, so I know that the verse in Romans actually says to "take every thought captive", but I’m realizing for me I must also take every feeling captive and examine it in light of what God says.

If you’d like to know what light I shined on my feelings tonight, read Matthew 6:19-34 in the The Message.

As with every encounter with light, there was some moments of glaring brightness. I saw myself. I saw my greed and my distrust. I saw my materialistic heart, my vanity and my selfishness. Oh, Lord what a mess I am!

But I also saw Jesus, looking at me with love and approval — yeah, approval. Even with all that sin and ugliness, He smiled at me with approval. Not because of my sin… Perhaps He sees something in me I don’t see in myself yet.

And I got a glimpse of how life is perhaps meant to be lived. Jesus says,

"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out… Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow."

Steeped in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Sounds awesome! Now if only I could figure out what that really means, what it looks like, so I could emulate it. I can only guess at it right now. Maybe its like the spoon in The Matrix — the trick to to remember that its not really a spoon. Its a constant awareness that our senses and minds can be deceived and in turn deceive us. A constant immersion in the spiritual realities.

Giving my entire attention to what God is doing right now. Not in the future, not tomorrow, but right this very second. You know? I never think about that. I never think about what is God doing right this very second. I think about what He wants to do, what He will do, what He has done. But I never consider what He is doing this very moment. Just like the young Luke Skywalker, my mind is never on the present, it’s always in the future. Or the past.

But I got a glimpse tonight, in my mind, in my spirit, of what this kind of life would look like. It was very attractive. I want this. I really want this kind of life. Oh, to live fully in every moment without worry for the future! That’s a meal I’d spend the rest of my life feasting on, and who cares about the calories!

It’s going to take every ounce of strength I’ve got, and then some, to teach my mind this new path, to teach my heart to let go of the gods of money and food and tv and new stuff and Apple gadgets and toys of all kinds, and reach only for God and give my entire attention to what He is doing in this present moment.

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To Serve or Be Served

Culture is a river that will pull you downstream unless you swim against the current.

I miss the culture of Mosaic. Larry, Wendy and Nina are right, it is the exception of community, not the rule. One of the things I’ve been missing most will sound odd to some. I miss the culture of servanthood.

It was easy to be a servant there. It was easy to give sacrificially. The culture of the community — the ethos, to use an old/new word — of servant-leadership was so strong and so pervasive that it pulled me downstream toward true spiritual generosity in every aspect of my life. I didn’t have to work hard at keeping that characteristic at the forefront of my heart and life. Mosaic as a core group, as my community and my friends, did it for me. It thrust me into the middle of a vortex of service where the only way out was to get out of the pool altogether.

The culture of the Church in Nashville is much different. I don’t mean just the church I go to; I mean the Church (big C) in general. I sense a growing emphasis among leadership in The People’s Church toward servanthood. But the current of culture still strongly flows down the river of Being Served.

For a sojourner who’s tired and battle weary, it’s a comfortable current. I like being carried like this; not feeling the urgent need to serve, knowing that "someone else" will take care of tear-down or set up or clean up or…. whatever. It’s amazing what a large church provides. There are people who get paid to set up and tear down tables for events. People paid to cater meals and reimbursements for those who buy with their own money, even childcare reimbursements are provided. Even sound set up is minimal compared to an average Sunday at Mosaic (though I must admit, Mosaic has better soundboards!).

However, all this cushiness cannot supplant the 10 years of cultural training. I still find myself picking up trash, straightening chairs, wanting to put things away and clean up.

I’m not serving like I used to. Worse, I don’t know how to serve in such a huge community. I feel lost in the crowd and carried downstream by the current of being served. How do I get out of this? How do I find the strength to fight the current and swim upstream to where help is needed? And how do I find the places to serve which fit my gifts?

Back home I knew the people to ask. I knew who to go to when I wanted to plug in somewhere. Heck, I didn’t need to ask. People came to me. Somehow, from early on I got a reputation for being the go-to girl; and so I was the one people "go-to". If I were to go home today, I’d be plugged in by midnight. Somewhere, somehow, someone would find out and call.

I know serving isn’t just about the inside of the church. I know its mainly about serving outside, in the world. I know its really about a way of life, not something you do on certain days. Somehow, though, I’ve forgotten how to live that way. Somehow I’ve gotten caught in a vortex of exhaustion and depression and isolation.  I no longer know where the line is between healthy rest and laziness.

I listened to Erwin’s sermon on Extraordinary Service and felt the pinch of conviction; am I doing enough? I don’t think I am. I read Wendy’s blog, Niza’s blog, Amy (a wonderful woman/old friend at Mosaic), Lillia and an new blog I found from a new Mosaic-ite, Cindy, and I’m reminded of the old current I once swam in. It was so easy then! Now I must fight the current AND give my life away generously.

But I’m so tired —- and I so long to just hang on to my life, what’s left of it, now that I’ve just begun to find my footing in life again. I feel torn apart by my own hands, one pulling against the current, one desperate to stay in the groove.

Erwin, as always, had much to say I needed to hear. One thing stuck out in this first listening of Extraordinary Service (side note: I remember him preaching similar sermons about 8 years ago — Wendy and I tackled memorizing the book of Philippians during the series, as Erwin preached the book through.). Erwin says, "You don’t wait till you’re strong enough to serve. You serve and it makes you stronger."

My new pastor, Rick, talked yesterday of the vision God’s given him for The People’s Church over the next year or so and I was reminded of Mosaic. Two urgent projects are a church plant in New York City and a satellite service in Spring Hill (about 20 minutes south of our campus). My mind immediately whirled with all the details experience taught me will be involved in these two endeavors. Who will the teams be? Needs for set up and tear down and clean up and ambiance and planning and tech stuff…. on and on. It wore me down just thinking about it. Yet it excited me at the same time. I wasn’t among a community just sitting around. They are moving and growing and determined to stay in the world, involved in the movement of God. It once again convinced me that I’m plugging into a community that is following Jesus.

Yet I left disconsolate, longing even more for the culture back home which would just sweep me along the current of servanthood as we chugged along together. Perhaps I’m looking in the wrong places at TPC. Perhaps I just haven’t found the servant current yet. I don’t know.

But I guess the true question on my heart at the moment is, How can I summon the courage and strength to serve and give my life generously on my own? Pray for me.

A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.  Proverbs 11:25

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.  2 Tim 1:6-7

"No matter how physically sick, no matter how emotionally sick, no matter how weak you feel, you can serve someone today." — Erwin

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Exhaustion, Frustration, Questions and Packing

I’ve been working like crazy, packing like crazy and getting things in order for my move this weekend to my new place. That’s why I haven’t posted — no time to write!!

I’m excited about getting moved, BUT I’m completely fed up/frustrated and pooped out by all the crap that goes with moving… namely, packing and arranging help to move. Pretty much everyone I’ve asked has either not been able to say because of their fluid schedules, committed and then back out because of previous but forgotten engagements, or not been able to help at all due to schedule conflicts.

I miss the days when all I had to do was tell my life group I needed help, and tell the worship team, and voila! I had an instant moving party. I’ve figured that I probably just don’t know people well enough here to really rate high enough in their lives to squeeze in a move for me. Not that I think people are free but just not coming; I don’t. I think everyone’s reasons are legitimate. But I had many years of history with my friends in LA, and consequently they always managed to come through for me when I needed them.

I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of getting it done with free labor/help and have booked Two Men and a Truck to come move the furniture on Friday. I feel much calmer and at peace now than I have the last week or so not knowing who, if anyone, was going to show up. Saturday I’ll move the smaller stuff that the professionals don’t — unless they have time (and I have the money) to move it all at once.  Which, come to think of it, would be awesome. I like the idea of having Saturday to unpack in a relaxed, non-rushed way.

All the craziness with trying to get a moving crew together caused me to really consider where I am right now and the kind of community I’ve chosen to plant myself in. — And yes, I choose the word plant, even though, as Larry points out, there’s a trend in the ministry world of moving away from the phrase "church plant" because it implies immobility, rootedness. More on that another time. — Am I in a place where people really understand and live out the phrase "doing life together", or am I in a place where it’s just another word for fellowship at appointed times?

I don’t really know. My heart and gut tell me its the former, not the latter. But another voice tickles me with the emerging situation of my move and tells me perhaps my heart is wrong. Which voice do I listen to? Which voice is right?

I don’t have answers. Only decisions. I choose to believe my heart.

Nashville is such a different culture than LA. And Nashville churches such different animals than Mosaic. I thought life was rather fluid at Mosaic. And, in truth, our services are very fluid. But life in general wasn’t so much. Here, with so many people in the music industry and not knowing from week to week, even day to day, what their schedule is going to be or where they will be working, life is incredibly fluid. It can be crazy-making. Especially for a mild control-freak like me. I like to know things, have things settled, in advance. Flexibility is fine, but at least give me a range, some boundaries, that the flexibility will be within. Does that sound crazy?

No matter how longingly I stare at my past, it will never change the place I’m in right now, or the places God desires me to go. I miss my home church. I miss my community. And yet, if I were to leave here, I’d miss People’s Church just as much — but for different reasons. I hope, perhaps, that the community I form here will be just as strong, just as durable and just as eternal as the one I have in LA. Even now, after being gone over a year, I know I’d be surrounded and loved on and plugged into service there as I ever was.

But I haven’t been at TCP long enough to expect that from the community around me. At least I don’t think so. People don’t really know me, don’t have a history with me yet. Community is based on relationships. And relationships are like a garden. They have to be tended to with great care. I’ve planted seeds and some small shoots of friendship have sprung up, but those tender shoots can’t hold too much.

At least that’s what I think. I don’t know… am I wrong about this? Am I not expecting enough from a community? Or am I expecting too much? Is Mosaic the exception or the rule?

I hope this post makes sense…. I’m too exhausted to proof it.

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We had Him before “hello”

Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. — Paul (Ephesians 1:4-6, The Message)

Just a piece of what God’s been pouring into my heart lately… May you be richly blessed by Jesus today as you go about your life.

I can’t stop thanking God for you, my friends (and my readers)!! Every time I pray, I think of you and give thanks! But I do more than that. I ask. I ask Him, the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory–to make you wise and discerning in knowing Him personally, growing closer to Him in intimate love, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is He is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for all followers of Jesus, and the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust Him–endless energy, boundless strength! (based on Ephesians 1:16-19, The Message)

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Surrender

It’s such an odd
word, isn’t it? I mean, just look at it a moment and ponder. It just looks odd. But it’s the meaning of the word that gets us the most.

v., -dered, -der·ing, -ders.
v.tr.
To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
To give up in favor of another.
To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right.
To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.
To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.
Law. To restore (an estate, for example), especially to give up (a lease) before expiration of the term.
v.intr.
To give oneself up, as to an enemy.

Surrender. I think that’s what it all comes down to.

We’re all broken. We all struggle with what it really means to follow Jesus, to live a "purpose-filled" life and be "on-mission" with God.  Most of us secretly fear
that we will somehow miss "it" — or perhaps have already missed it.

But ultimately, this is a day-t0-day journey.

I think we’ve taught each other lies. Lies Satan longs for us to believe. Lies that whisper, "you’re no good. You can’t even figure out what it is exactly that God put you on this earth for."  "You’ve missed it. You’ve missed your purpose, your Divine Moment. And it’s gone forever." "Keep struggling. Keep agonizing. Keep focusing on those unrealized dreams. And keep banging your head against that unforgiving Wall of the Unknown. Eventually you’ll figure out that big secret God keeps hidden behind that wall, the Secret of Your Purpose."

I have more questions than I have answers. Last week in small group I discovered I wasn’t alone in this. Pretty much everyone in our group said they didn’t have a big picture of what their purpose is either.  But last Wednesday I finally got it.

I’ve always expected My Purpose to be something big. I always thought that God would eventually pull back a curtain and suddenly I’d see it, in all it’s grandeur and glory. My Purpose. My Reason for Being Alive on This Earth. It would be larger than life. It would be all-encompassing. It would be a defined path, a specific task, a Grand Plan.

I worked hard to be faithful in the routine, as Erwin said, so that I could at some point in my life see the radical. And that’s what I expected my purpose, my reason for being on this earth, to be: Radical. Life-alteringly radical.

What God whispered to me all this week — and, really, for some time now — is that it is in the daily, hourly choices that my purpose lies. It’s in the living in the moment every moment that the reason for my being alive can be found. That my purpose isn’t a big, Grand Plan kind of deal. It’s a daily choosing, daily living, daily impacting, daily imprinting kind of deal. It isn’t found in the Big Reveal. It comes in the Daily Discovery package of Life.

No offense, God, but I think that kinda sucks. Its not nearly as good, as exciting, as grand and cool as my idea of purpose. I want the flash. I want the bang. I want the radical. I don’t want to just live my life and… Be.

Yeah, I get that others can still, and hopefully will, see You in me in just the every day stuff of life. But don’t you think that’s kinda boring? Man, I really want to have this crazy-ass life! Don’t you want that for me too?

Do I trust you?! What kinda crazy question is that? Of course, I… well…. hmmm…

I guess I really don’t. Not in this area. Not yet, anyway.

Surrender.

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Good Night

I hung out with a couple of cool new friends, introduced to me by my friend Kat — who’s never been to Nashville (that I know of). Man, that woman is amazing! She makes friends all over the place and then introduces her old friends to her new ones to create this incredible ever-increasing sphere of friendships.

We had a great time hangin’ out at dinner, and then playing pool. Can I tell you it’s been ages since I played any pool. But after a few games, my body was remembering how to make the shots. These women are very down to earth, gracious and funny people. What a blessing I got tonight!

In other, completely unrelated news, I’ve been thinking of moving my blog to Typepad. I’ve currently got a 30-day (26 I think it is now) trial before the one-time payment would kick in. I like how easy it is to set up and change the template. I don’t have to know html — which is good, because I don’t. Any changes I’ve made to my template here on Blogger have taken me forever to do, with lots of trial and error (mostly error). Typepad has simplified the process so that it’s a joy to change things around and customize it to my taste.

So, what do you think? Should I move?
Check out my two blogs at Typepad and tell me what you think. Here’s the links:

A Voice of Hope
Turning 40

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Gratitude

I had The Most incredible day! I met some amazing new friends, connected up with a fellow worker from my former region overseas (and serving a people group that I still pray for constantly), hung out with new friends at lunch and for a time afterward, and had soul-nourishing conversations and laughter.

This morning Rick showed a Sarah McLaughlin video to preface his sermon. It was incredibly powerful and humbling. Shaun has a great post on this. I’d highly recommend watching the video and taking account of your own life afterward.

Rick’s sermon was on coveting. And I, like most "mature" Christians listening, I’m sure, thought, oh, I don’t really need to pay much attention today. This one’s not for me. I don’t want somebody else’s stuff, I want my own.

Whomp! That’s pretty much the sound I heard just before Jesus smacked me upside the head with Rick’s sermon, point after point, after point….

The one that hit the hardest was that coveting comes from a lack of gratitude.

Last week I found out I’m getting the exact place to live that I wanted. Its the place I’d left a couple weeks ago shouting "YES!!!! I don’t know what your answer is, Jesus, but mine is YES!!" and then proceeded to spend the next two weeks begging Him to let me have it.

Well, He did. And was I happy and jumping for joy? Not exactly. Now I was attacked daily with pang of worry over finances — what if this temp job I have falls through?  What if they decide they don’t want to hire me after all?  What if I can’t get another job? Will I be able to pay for this place… it is a little pricier than I’d planned, but I’m not paying utilities, so that helps doesn’t it??

Round the questions and doubts and worries went. No, I wasn’t grateful I’d gotten the place of my dreams. I was fretting that God wouldn’t come through the next time. This morning I came face-to-face with the reality that I’m so ungrateful for all that God has blessed me with.

My car, an old Ford Escort that continually reminds me that it’s name really does mean "Fix Or Repair Daily". But it was loaned to me at no cost over two years ago while I began the healing and grieving process after the deaths of my parents. And then it was sold to me by a generous family of four who’d discovered while I was borrowing it that they really don’t need two cars.

My roommate, provided to me by God at the last minute, for a season when money and jobs were scarce. Now I really can afford the place I wanted when I first moved here.

The jobs I’ve had. Especially the one I currently have. I absolutely love going into work. I love the people I work with. I love the work I’m doing. How many people can say that?

And then there’s the more global perspective. Last month Shaun posted a link to the Global Rich List site.

I plugged in my income and discovered this little fact:

You are in the top 3.46% richest people in the world.
There are 5,792,173,913 people poorer than you.

Okay, this isn’t really news to me. I’ve lived in India, I spent 6 weeks in Ethiopia. I’ve visited rural China. I got the hint that I was pretty dang wealthy by the rest of the world’s standards when I was given top student housing to stay in during my first visit to China, which would have been considered slum lord project housing here in the States.

I have it really good. I don’t just have it sort of good, or pretty good. I have it really good.

Too often I forget that.

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. — Phil 4:12-13

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I Did It Again

I have struggled for several days with this particular post. It seems I have apparently offended and hurt some people by some things in a recent post. That was never my intention or my desire. But obviously it happened anyway.

Have you ever had people say things to you that are offensive, even mean? Didn’t you want to retaliate, say something equally mean? You know, like back in jr. high, when someone in a conflict would eventually say, "oh, yeah?! Well… you’re ugly!" "HA! You’re stupid!" "You suck!" "Yeah?! Well, you suck more!"

It was usually a way to say "you hurt/offended me but I I don’t want to be vulnerable and just tell you so, so I’ll just hurt/offend you back…"

Well, it appears my recent post generated such a controversy that I found myself in the middle of a similar situation.

It never occurred to me that there are people out there that, once offended, continually revisit the blog that so offends, and eventually even post comments laced with insults, or mean and offensive words of their own. I know, I should not have been surprised by this. We are all human, after all. Even the best, most mature followers of Christ lose it and go mental every once in a while — including me. 🙁 And I would wager that some of those people offended would say I had it coming, that I deserved every mean word I got.

I just didn’t think that there were people out there who took blogs so seriously. Last week I learned the hard way that there are.

Ultimately I ended up with 3 or 4 very mean comments and two gracious,well-thought out ones. Unfortunately, the mean ones got the best of me.

Everything in me screamed to strike back at these people for their mean words. And, for a moment I gave in to that temptation and wrote a comment that was pretty harsh. But Jesus had His own comment to make and He made sure I heard it loud and clear.

"Here’s another old saying that deserves a second look: "Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.’ Is that going to get us anywhere? Here’s what I propose: "Don’t hit back at all.’ If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

"You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best–the sun to warm and the rain to nourish–to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty."

With my comment I was falling into the same game, "tit-for-tat". You offend me, so I’ll offend you. You say something that hurt my feelings so I’ll say something to hurt your feelings. Where does that get us in the end? Especially in the family of God? Someone has to break the chain. Someone has to have the courage to step up and say, "whoa, this is getting us no where."

I realized I needed to be that person. I needed to delete my comment. It was midnight and I felt sure no one would have seen it yet, so I went to delete it.

Too late. Someone else had seen it and posted their hurtful words right after.

At that point the only way I could think to stop the madness was to delete the post that people found so controversial and disable the comments section for a while. Was that the best idea? Dunno. But it was the best I could think of at the time.

For me, my blog is a place for me to write; one way for me to use the gift of writing that God gave me, on my own little space on the internet. It’s a place to express my opinions, my passions, my thoughts and the things God teaches me. Sometimes I will do it better than at other times. And most times I can pretty much guarantee that it will offend someone. Partly because I’m human. And partly because I am my Father’s daughter. God has a tendency to say things that offend as well. And Jesus was an expert at offending the religious community of the day.

I guess my biggest issue with all this is how seriously people took my post — and I base that conclusion on how seriously they were offended. It baffles me that little, powerless, no-name, dorky me has had such power over nearly a whole community (if one commenter is to be believed).

How did I get such power? How did my blog come to mean so much in the eyes of these people? I just don’t get it.

I love reading other blogs. Especially ones that present new and different ideas, or, even in their anger and frustration, point out issues from a perspective I don’t have. I have occasionally run across blogs that I found offensive, even from people within my same community. But I just ignore them and don’t read them again. My life is too full and meaningful to waste on frustration and anger over someone else’s opinion.

I just figured the rest of the blogging world saw things the same way. Apparently I was wrong. And I got a harsh lesson from it last week.

To all those I offended – and probably even offended with this post – please hear me. I deeply apologize and ask for your forgiveness. I hope someday you will be able to see my blog for what it is, just my 2 cents. I’m not a holier-than-thou expert. I’m not the great and powerful Oz. I’m just Lu, with opinions as fiery as my hair is red.

No, really. My hair is red. Pay no attention to the roots that are growing in darker — or perhaps just grayer…

I’m setting a new rule for my blog. If you disagree with me, I invite you to tell me (once I get brave enough to enable comments once again) in a kind and gracious way, why you disagree. Please try to be as specific and on-topic as possible. However, if your comment is mostly full of insults about me, telling me I’m rude and selfish, for example, I will delete it. I like a good dialog with people who disagree with me. I learn a lot from it. But I don’t like it when people call me names and are purposefully mean just to get me back for a post they found offensive.

I heard a song on the radio today that best sums up my feelings about all of this in the chorus,
I’m not trying to be a nuisance,
I just think we can do better than this,
That was simply my 2 cents.
You can take it or leave it.

Okay, I think this one is finally ready for prime-time…

Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. — Eph 4:32