Category Archives: Following Jesus

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Humility and Grace On Display

I recently ran across A Disciples Journal. Lon hasn’t posted in a while, but his last one, October 31st, had some insight I wish all of us could gain.

There’s more to say about this, but it’ll have to wait till I have some time…. In the meantime, read, enjoy, and perhaps even visit his blog.

On a more deeper and personal note… Yvz and I have been having some ‘soul talk’ and been realizing some more subtle condemning attitudes that we have. These dispositions are so challenging because they are so deep rooted and easily disguised as a genuine desire for good. For me, I’ve come to realize that I am designed and built my life around a lens of hope and goodness. Which isn’t a bad thing, but when I encounter those who are disheartened, or perceived as having lost hope, I have a hard time allowing them to be as they are. What got me was the conviction that some people might be able to sense a level of disappointment within me about who they are as a person… and that’s flat out wrong and needs to change.

What gets to me even more is how a person of hope and confidence in God such as myself, could ever feel a loss of hope in people? Something that came out while I was speaking Friday was that – if God believes in us, more than we could ever believe in him. Maybe we need to believe in people, more than they believe in themselves.

Of all people, followers of Jesus should be speakers of truth and hope to all humanity.

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Trite and Tired

What is going on with me these days?

I used to have a great deal of patience and understanding when people used trite sayings and phrases to express an idea. Now I have none. Absolutely none. I’m tired of the lack of authenticity I see. My experience with God is so opposite from it. My experiences with my closest friends are so opposite. So when I experience it from other believers who say they are following hard after Christ, I… I just can’t deal with it. It’s like having a pebble in my shoe. I want to confront it and get rid of it.

I just wish people would be real.

I passed so many churches this weekend with some variation “Have an Attitude of Gratitude” on their signs. Do people really believe that such a trite saying written on some sign is really going to transform someone’s heart? That someone’s going to see that sign and have a sudden epiphany, “omigosh! I forgot to put on my gratitude today.” Paleeze.

I saw a book for sale at LifeWay today called, “It’s Not About Me.” I just rolled my eyes and thought, ‘here we go again.’

Tonight, while I was on my cell phone with one of my best friends, another friend left me a message on my voicemail reiterating some trite things they’d previously said. I know my friend means well, but… dang, so many times he sounds so fake. Its those trite sayings, those Scripture passages used in place of real feelings and thoughts, those Christian phrases people say as a means to avoid having to dig into their own spirit and soul for words and truth.

And it all comes so naturally. We don’t have to think about it. Trite sayings have crept into every aspect of our lives. Think back over the last day. When someone asked you how you were, did you answer truthfully, or did you give the standard and expected “fine”? When was the last time you actually meant “bless you” when you responded to someone’s sneeze?

Every day is filled with dozens upon dozens of banal, overused, unmeant, rote phrases we volley to each other over and over. Christians are especially notorious for this. With all our Praise-the-Lord!-I’m-just-a-sinner-saved-by-grace-God-is-good-life-with-Jesus-is-sweet-I’m-just-a-vessel saccharine crap, it’s no wonder the world finds Jesus distasteful. Who wants to join a revolution full of fakers? Or worse, one full of perfect people? Who could keep up with that? I couldn’t.

I used to be able to tolerate all this stuff. I felt people meant well for the most part, and was willing to overlook the fact that their words sounded insincere because, “their heart was still in the right place.” Besides, they probably didn’t realize how their words came across.

I still believe that to be true. But my tolerance level has shrunk to zero. I don’t know why, exactly.

Perhaps that’s what depression does to you. The rose-colored glasses get yanked off and ground under foot. Once that happens you see the world in a less-flattering light. Perhaps a more realistic light. People are taken at face, and word, value.

What we say, and how we say it, reflects who we are. Whether true — and truly meant — or not, words have a powerful impact on others, both on their own outlook and on their opinion of the speaker. For better or worse, our words leave a mark on every listener.

God help me! Keep me silent unless You need me to speak. And help me find my patience, which I seem to have mislaid… or give me the courage to speak boldly and gently. Let the marks my words leave be ones of healing, hope and love!

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It IS About You, It IS About Me

“It’s not about you.”

It’s the latest mantra of western Christians. I suppose it could be credited it to the well-meaning, well-spoken words of Rick Warren in his book, “Purpose Driven Life”. However, I think we in the Body of Christ have come to misuse and abuse this saying. It’s become a stick we beat people with instead of an encouragement to build people up, and help them refocus their lives on God’s purpose for them.

I heard it again tonight. Well meant, I’m sure. But completely misused and, in part, abusive. It felt like a complete slap in the face. As if all that God had been revealing to me, all that God has been doing in my heart and soul over the last two years is a lie. That I am being selfish and self-centered to even want God to care about me or about my “trials”.

The Truth I’ve come to find in God’s Word, and in my own experience with Him over the last couple of years, is that it IS about me. It really IS. About. ME.

God is so very in love with me. With me of all people! His life, His existence, His focus is all about showing me just how truly, madly, deeply He loves me, how He strongly He longs to have an intimate divinely sweet relationship with me, how He wants nothing more than to pour out into me all the love and grace and mercy and gentleness and kindness and joy and so much more that He has… to pour all that He is and has into me every second of the day, how He has so many mysteries and secrets and passions He is desperate to share with me. From the moment I wake up to the moment I wake the following morning and round again, I am on His mind. I am the focus of His attention. I am the apple of His eye.

Think of that! WE are on His mind, the Creator of the Universe thinks of nothing but US every second of every minute of every day of every month of every year forever.

Why do you think Jesus suffered the brutal death He did? For me. To give me Life.

Yes, yes, I know… He didn’t come just for me… or did He?

What is it we Christians always say to those we are leading to Christ? “Even if you were the only person on earth, Jesus would still have died for you.”

Why is it okay to say that to others and not to believe it ourselves? If I were the only person on earth Jesus would still have died for me. THAT’S how much He loves me.

I think we don’t really believe that line we feed our potential “converts”. We believe it for, and about, them at that moment. But not for and about ourselves. And once a person commits their lives to Christ, we do a bait-and-switch and tell them “its not about you, it’s about them.” As if now that God has us, He no longer cares about our wants, needs, hurts, desires, longings.

So wrong. So very wrong.

Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son… Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. — Eph 1:4-6, 11-12 (The Message)

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! — Jesus (Matt 7:9-11)

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me. — Song of Songs 7:10

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Invisible Presence

There are days, and times, like today… right now sitting at Fido, sort of hearing the noise of the crowd through my headphones as I listen to Phillips Craig and Dean blasting “Your Grace Still Amazes Me” that I feel so incredibly blessed. God’s presence is a constant companion now. No longer do I have to search for Him or quiet my soul…. I know He’s here, I can sense HIm, see HIm in my mind.

How many people here can say that? I look around the room. There a small group huddled around the the bar, laughing and talking… one’s obviously telling a grand story, using his hands and gesturing wildly to convey all that words cannot. Just around the “corner” of the bar from them are two women absorbed in their papers. A man in a wheel chair chats over an empty plate with another man. They seem deep in conversation that interests them both. Throughout out the tables beyond them are scattered groups and individuals, some talking animatedly, some in more serious conversations. Some people are alone, reading, studying or working on their computers. Then there’s the two men beside me. My headphones barely cover over the conversation about music, their many years as musicians, their experiences in the business. I can’t help but notice the tiredness in their voices. Tiredness of life, of the rat race…. as one man told me about a month ago, it seems the magic has gone out of the music for them. And it shows in their conversation.

People continue to come in and out, letting in the crisp air from the rain soaked street. Cars sit in traffic just outside the window… people on their way home from work, or on their way to class or to a doctor’s appointment at Vanderbilt. People heading who knows where…. People move. Some leave, others come and take their seats. Through all the bustle and noise, God’s presence, His shalom envelopes me.

How many here go to bed each night with a hunger in their soul that cannot be satisfied, no matter what they try? How many people here can truly say they experience the shalom (peace) of God resting on them each day, the way I can?

I don’t know how to feel. Do I feel warm and blessed because of God’s presence in my life? Or do I feel sad and in pain for all those who don’t have what I have? I am only one person. What can I possibly do to stem the tide of loneliness in the world? Where would I even begin?

The group at the bar has moved to a table, and has grown from three to five. One particularly good looking man was greeted earlier by another, equally good looking man. By their dress, look and attitudes, I’d say they’re musicians, or somehow connect to the music business, on the artist side. Just now, however, something happened in their group that jolted my heart, excited me and intrigued me about this group, and this man…. A very heavy-set girl, one would probably call her obese, came toward the table, and the good looking man jumped up, greeted her warmly and gave her a big hug. He then led her to a seat and proceeded to make sure everyone at the table knew who she was. They are all now seated and in conversation…. I’m intrigued: Who is this man who seems to draw people to him? People who seem a little diverse. The group isn’t widely diverse, by any means, but they aren’t homogenous either.

Is this the power of influence? Is this the answer to the questions I seek? If so, how does one become a person of influence?

How do I make the invisible God who walks beside me every single day, who never leaves my side, how do I make Him visible to the world around me? How can I help the people in Fido, the people in Nashville, see Him?

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Together

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven. — Phil 3:12-14

This morning I sat on my balcony and took some time to breathe. To inhale deeply of God. It’s been far too long since I did that.

As I sat and watched some beautiful birds flit around the trees, some fighting and vying for the best branches or favorite perches, God and I talked a little about the direction of my life.

I have no idea where I’m going. I don’t know how the bills are going to be paid. It seems that every time I think I see a light signaling the end of this long dark tunnel I’m in, that light ends up being a mirage. Something else pops up. The road takes a sudden dive and we’re back down in the darkness, exploring the deeper recesses of life.

God sat beside me, patted my hand, pressed His thumb to my forehead, as He so often does and assured me He is here.

As I contemplated whether life was for the “hereafter”, as Paul seems to be looking forward to, or for the “today”, I looked at God and said, “I want healing now. I want to follow You now. I want to know what you want me to do, where to work and how to get through the days now.

I heard Him whisper, “My healing is for now, and for the future. My salvation is now, and in the future. I inhabit Today, and every one of the Tomorrows. But I don’t work backwards. Yesterday and all the other days that have gone before it, I don’t live there anymore.

“Don’t live in the past, My sweet child. Don’t look back. Don’t look back in regret. Don’t look back in sorrow that the best has come and gone. Don’t look back. I’m not there anymore. I’m here. And We, you and I, will get through this. Together.

Press on, My baby. My Beloved Bride. You and I will have that Wedding. And between now and then, there will be so much We will do. Together.

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Fully Alive

Larry Said: There’s Lu, with her “drama queen” antics and great swings. Read one post and you know she’s alive.

Larry, you could never have known how much of a blessing it was to read that about myself! It is one of the major goals of my life, one that I daily pray for and remind myself that God has promised it to me.

Six years ago I reached a breaking point in my life. I had tried and tried to live “the adventure” but continually found myself back where I started. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I seem to join this revolution everyone at Mosaic kept talking about? Why couldn’t I become one of those Jonathan-type people, the ones that could seize their divine moments that Erwin was always talking about?

One afternoon in my office, I begged God to say something. Give me some word of wisdom, even just a nugget, that I could grasp hold of. My hope was slipping quickly from my grasp and I needed more “rope” to grab. I told Him I’d run out of ideas how to become the person I longed to be….

He led me here.

Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ (verse 11)

That was me. I didn’t understand why God led me to a passage that perfectly described me…. until I read:
This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD , when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD .’ “

That became my New Year’s wish for 1999…. and the desire for my life. That I would live truly, fully live and know, beyond doubt, that it was God’s doing, not my own.

So, you see, Larry. God has truly answered my prayer. He did it in ’99, and again in 2000…. and now, He does it so powerfully and completely that even you can see it.

And every day I marvel at His promise… and His grace… and His faithfulness to fulfill all His promises.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. — 2 Cor. 2:20

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The Revolution is Over… The Tragedy is: We Won

Nothing is more dangerous to a revolution than winning. When a revolution wins, it must face the prospect of becoming an institution. No better example of this exists than when Constantine began mandating national baptisms. Christianity changed from a movement to an institution, from a global revolution to a world religion. You could now become a Christian without ever having met Jesus Christ personally. This was a bad thing-like keeping the shell and tossing the egg.

The irony in this is that the force of Christianity first changed the Roman world and then relinquished its power in the name of accommodation. It’s easy to see the difference between Christianity as a religion and Christianity as a revolution when we look back to the days of Constantine and the Dark Ages that followed. It’s more difficult to see that difference in our contemporary environment because we are standing in the middle of it. Our great awakenings were born through men and women who could see that the church had lost her way. They led the church back to the third day: from death to resurrection. They called God’s people out of the apathetic to the passionate.

Real, sustainable change occurs when actions are in response to values. For too long we have focused on making sure people believe the right things and have left their concerns alone. I know it may sound like heresy, but it is more important to change what people care about than to change what they believe! You can believe without caring, but you can’t care without believing. We cannot afford to fill our churches with members who have biblical beliefs and worldly concerns. When we awaken the apostolic ethos, the heart of God begins to pulsate throughout the church of Jesus Christ. The Christian faith is to be a moving experience! — Erwin McManus

He makes my point, and says it so much better.

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Captivated

Your face is beautiful
And Your eyes are like the stars
Your gentle hands have healing, there inside the scars
Your loving arms they draw me near,
And your smile it brings me peace
Draw me closer, oh my Lord,
Draw me closer Lord to Thee.

Through all the craziness of the day, I had precious little time to just Breathe. Lately my alone times with God have been shoved into my drive times, or snatched moments throughout the day, rather than a more consentrated block of time toward the end of the day.

This isn’t the way I want to live my life. I want it to be focused on God, where HE gets the best of my "time slots", not just slotted in where I have time. For all the frustration and loneliness I had in Cyprus, one thing I had plenty of was time alone with God. Even then it didn’t feel like "enough"… can a person really get "enough" of God??

But here, in the US… there are just so many distractions. So many things I "could" do, "should" do, want to do. God so often gets put on the "when I get to it" list. I don’t think He likes that much.

Today I heard Him calling… well, more like felt the strong pull of His heart. Kerry, my boss, was bouncing around the office like a ping pong ball, taking calls, booking interviews, and doing God-knows what else — He reminds me of some people in my past. My old Type-A friends, and a lot of executives I knew in the industry. You know, those people who always seem to have it all together, always look perfect, and never crack under the pressure.  So life, the universe, or whatever, heaps more and more upon them in some silly, vain attempt to find their breaking point. Let me give them all a piece of advice: give it up. I don’t think Kerry has one. With all the running around he did, I never saw him sweat. Which is just wrong. But that’s beside the point…

Things got crazy fast, and I, unlike Kerry, was sweating like a pig. It’s been far too long since I’ve been in the thick of things like that, and I wasn’t liking either the pressure or who I saw myself becoming under it.

That’s when I felt the pull. "Get out. Go for a walk. Take a drive. Step away. It won’t fall apart without you. But you will fall apart without Me."

Captivate us, Lord Jesus.
Set our eyes on You.
Devastate us with Your presence
….Falling down.
Rushing river draw us nearer.
Holy fountain consume us with You.
Captivate us, Lord Jesus,
With You.

I grabbed my purse and car keys, and headed out on the pretense of getting some lunch. Even as I entered the elevator to go down to my car, I felt the exhaustion creeping into my soul. I need, Jesus, I whispered. I need.

This is our "code". Years ago I recognized I had a "soul need", one that nothing I tried could ever touch. Finally, in desperation I cried out to God, "I need! I don’t know what I need, I just know I need! Can you fill me?"

Your voice is powerful
And Your words are radiant bright.
In your breath and shadow
I will come close and abide.
You whisper love and life divine
And Your fellowship is free.
Draw me closer, oh my Lord.
Draw me closer, Lord,
To Thee.

When God decides to answer a question, He doesn’t go half way. He took the next few years of my life to show me just how fully and completely He can fill me, in all the cracks and crevasses of my Needing. Today my soul-need was particularly deep, and as the elevator headed to the parking garage, I took some time to Breathe, to  fill my soul with the fragrance of God. To allow Him to breath fresh Life into every fiber of my being.

It was the best elevator ride of my life.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus.
Set our eyes on You.
Devastate us with Your presence
….Falling down.
Rushing river draw us nearer.
Holy fountain consume us with You.
Captivate us, Lord Jesus,
With You.

I had gotten a message on my cell phone from a friend in LA. As I drove down to Arby’s I listened as she poured out her heart in voicemail, a request for prayer. She, too, has been fitting God into her time slots because the fast pace of LA life has made a disaster of her Day-timer. — Well, okay, she doesn’t have one of those, but if she did, it would’ve been rendered useless long ago.

I wept as I listened again to her message. Why is it, Lord, that we say with our mouths we long to worship at Your feet all day long, yet our lives speak to a totally different set of priorities? How can this be, that two single women with no major family or career commitments can find their days so totally tied up with "To Dos" that they have no time for the only One who can, and longs to, fill them completely?

Let everything be lost in the shadows of the light of Your face.
Let every chain be broken from me as I’m bound in Your grace.
For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light
You’re full of wisdom, power and might
And every eye will see You…

I listened as my friend told me of her weekend, of hurts too deep to fathom in just the few minutes we had, and of frustrations, discouragement… and her soul-need. I hung up with her, turned to Jesus and said, "Help my friend…. please! Help my friend!" That’s all I could think to say. All that she had spoken of, all that stirred in my heart, it all came down to that one thing. My friend needs, Jesus. Only You can fill her. Please help my friend!

I don’t know if her "lesson" on God’s ability to meet her soul-need will take nearly as long as mine (I’m a slow learner), or what paths it will lead her down… But, a strange thing happened to me in the process of giving my heart over to her pain: God filled my soul-need.

Whether it was my time in the elevator inhaling deeply the amazing aroma of Jesus, or taking the time to ask God the hows and whys of my life and that of my friend, or the simple act of telling her how much I love her…. I don’t know. But somewhere in those thirty minutes, God revived my spirit and fed my soul.

I am continually astonished by God’s constant presence in my life. He makes Himself obvious to me in powerful yet subtle ways every single day. And every time, it surprises, amazes and humbles me. You would think this to be enough to completely captivate me. Forever. You would think.

But the lure of the physical world often captivates me more, then takes me captive to all it’s sparkling nothingness and sucks me dry of Life. I need Jesus to captivate me. And re-captivate me… a thousand times over and back again… Perhaps that’s how He designed me to be… a constant needing for Him, who alone can not only fill me, but captivate me, completely.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus.
Set our eyes on You.
Devastate us with Your presence
….Falling down.
Rushing river draw us nearer.
Holy fountain consume us with You.
Captivate us, Lord Jesus,
With You.

"Captivate Us"  written by Nathan & Christy Nockels – from Watermark’s The Purest Place album

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Welcome To My Mind… It’s a Scary Place (aka Happy Halloween)

My head hurts.

There are so many thoughts swarming around in my brain, I can’t decide which one to give attention to first.

Do I focus on the dilemmas I have with my new temp job… as I contemplate the possibilities of it becoming a long-term gig? Do I want to stay? There are things I’ve noticed, patterns emerging, echoes of sounds I’ve heard before. It’s one thing to deal with those things in a non-Christian environment, where I can excuse the problems with the reality that the people I work with don’t know Jesus, so I can’t hold them to the same standard I hold myself to… but this is a place where everyone "supposedly"  is a Christian… what do I do with that??? What do I do with actions I see, attitudes and behaviors that to me stink of worldly wisdom and desire. Do I stay and try to make a difference, or do I walk while I still can?

Back to the thought-swarm.

OR– Do I focus on what we talked about tonight in our Gathering… spirituality, inspiration and creativity…? What is spirituality? Can it really be defined as we defined it tonight: "the honest, earnest search for God/Truth." Where does inspiration come from? What is it, really, and why does it seem so fleeting? Is creativity only that which can be defined as "art"? I don’t believe so, but I also don’t know how to readily identify what it can be defined as. Well, that’s not entirely true… this weekend, an idea, almost an epiphany, shoved itself to the front of the thought-swarm… Martin Luther’s nailing of his 95 theses to the door of the Whittenberg Church was an exceptionally creative act of rebellion, which led to another creative act… a reformation of the Church. It came about because of Luther’s honest, earnest search for God/Truth. So I guess, in some respects I can identify creativity outside the realm of art… but it seems so rare, and fleeting. How can I become more adept at it?

Back again into the thought-swarm.

OR– Do I focus on the creative ideas currently banging on the walls of my brain, begging to be let out…? Poems that are like wraiths swirling just beyond my grasp. The minute I reach forward to grab hold, they turn into so much mist and vanish… The frustration of this dance causes me to leave them alone entirely, which just seems to make them scream louder to be paid attention to…. I long to be a writer, but find myself often frustrated, not in the process, but by the lack of my own ability to produce a finished work. Everything I have, it seems, it half-finished… I lost inspiration and just left the thing where it stood.

OR– Do I focus on verse God led me to this morning, Isaiah 43:1. God, in His infinite grace, unfailing love and unfathomable ability to cut through all the crap and straight to the core of my struggles spoke pages to me through that one verse. Do I delve deeper into the passage? Do I meditate more on it, and on what I heard Him say to me as I meditated on it this morning?

OR– Do I focus on some things that have come up in my counseling recently…? Things like giving myself grace, allowing myself to grieve publicly, realizing just how much I have to grieve over, dealing with all the feelings accompanying and stirred up by all those losses…

All these thoughts demand attention. All of them want to come out at once. All of them want to talk all at once. For months my brain shut down, went on strike, refused to say a word. Now I can’t seem to shut it up. There’s so much noise inside my head I can hardly hear the sounds outside it.

Is it any wonder why my head hurts.

But now, this is what the LORD says- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." — Isa 43:1

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Truth & Love

Not much time to post this week. It’s the week before the presidential elections (for those of you living in a cave…) and the organization I’m temping for is very actively involved in the process —- and I work in the Public Relations department –read, dealing with the press — which means things are cranked up a bunch of notches. 🙂 It’s fun. I’m likin’ it — a lot! — but it’s also very crazy-busy.

But I have to tell you what happened tonight.

In my friend Wendy’s blog, we’ve been having a great discussion on what it really means to "speak the truth in love" (Eph 4:15 — "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ."). It’s a really interesting conversation. I encourage you to check it out… but a quick warning too. If you think my posts are long, watch out for Wendy! She’s a woman after my own heart… and fingers… 🙂

I won’t go into the whole discussion except to say that I’ve had people in my life use that verse as an excuse to "confront" me "in love" about things they perceived as "sin" in my life. Sadly, I myself have been guilty of using that verse for the same purposes.

As I’ve walked through the last year… and especially the last few months, one thing that God keeps driving home to me is to be honest with others about who I am, where I’m at and what’s going on inside me. And as I read through various passages on speaking truthfully, God drove that point home time and again. Live truthfully. Be honest with others about myself. If something bugs me or frustrates me, just be honest, without trying to find some Biblical principle that is being violated as a means of justifying my point of view. Why can’t I just say, that just bugs me, please don’t do that around me.  …???? Why do I feel such a need to play Holier-Than-Thou??

Then Sunday night arrived. John changed things up and surprised us with an "adventure" that was meant to make us uncomfortable — and hopefully shove most of us out of our comfort zones.

It worked. I was frustrated, to the point of anger and nearly in tears. I wanted to just go hang out at the park, eat food and listen, like we’d been doing for a couple of months now. Instead, I found myself in a car with Lindsey, on my way to Borders to "meet at least one, and as many as three, people". To what end, I wondered? For what purpose?? It’s one thing to plan an evangelistic event, another to plan a cultural learning event… but this felt like neither… and I was lost. Without a task, I just don’t quite know what to do with myself. A task gives me a purpose for doing… whatever it is I’m doing. I didn’t completely know that about myself until Sunday.

And besides, I talk to people all the time. Every place I go, I end up in conversations… I can’t decide if it’s my mom’s influence on me, or dad’s for that matter, my cultural learning training from my numerous times overseas that kicks in, or just God’s imprint on my life… but I just can’t help myself but chat with whomever is serving me at Starbucks, the checker at the store, the people around me as I shop… even people I pass on the street. So, what the heck?!?! Why was John forcing me to go out and do something I already do, and talking as if it’s something new. Ugh!

But God kept whispering to me that perhaps my attitude wasn’t as warranted as I thought… perhaps He wanted to do something… perhaps Lindsey needed this exercise… perhaps… perhaps…

I couldn’t help myself… the first person we decided to engage, I was into it and getting to know him before I even realized what I was doing. The next person I thought I’d hang back, see if Lindsey engaged… She tried, but floundered. I jumped in and off we went into really interesting stuff about Sharon… cool woman. I could relate to her and honestly, I think I fell a little in love with her (a little in love… is there such a thing as a little in love????). Third person same song. I saw patterns and themes emerging. My heart expanded, and filled with both the excitement and pain of new love.

Dang it! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a lousy time so I could feel justified in my frustration. It just added to my overall frustration over the evening.

We met back at Fido for dinner and some talk. Events conspired against us. The normally dead-on-Sunday-evening Fido was bustling with activity. It was hard to hear. The food was too expensive and I had no cash. A headache developed from not eating. My frustration returned.

And didn’t abate throughout the week. I prayed. But every prayer turned into another rant. I wanted to talk to John. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got… I don’t even know fully why…. I felt left out. I felt unknown. I felt misunderstood. I felt under-utilized — no, I felt not utilized at all. Feeling cascaded over feeling, dropping down in a crazy waterfall of emotions. What the heck was going on??? Can I just chalk it up to PMS and be done with it??? Nope.  That didn’t work either. I built argument upon argument in my mind of what "Biblical principles" were not being followed and how my needs weren’t being met because of it… and I was gonna "speak the truth in love", doggonit.

Then tonight arrived. The appointed time (every other Wednesday evening) for our "Convivium" (I have no idea if I’m spelling that right), our team meeting, And I had a spiritual epiphany. I discovered what speaking truthfully and speaking that truth in love really looks like. And how much it can accomplish. And how amazingly liberating it is.

First, let me say I’d circled the neighborhood for a half hour because I was early and I just wasn’t ready to go in… something was burdening my heart and I needed time to get to the root of its cause. I realized the cause was that I missed God. My spirit was ravenously hungry for Him. This discovery was quite on accident. I’d popped in a cd Ron and Leticia recorded for me and the songs took me straight to God’s throne, like the aroma of fresh hot popcorn compels you to find the source. I sat in a nearby parking lot, listening, singing, just being alone with God. Finally, He nudged me to go… I was late now.

Perhaps that time helped me release some frustration… Perhaps what I really needed was to connect with the heart of God, instead of running from it… perhaps it was the fact that during our team meeting we just spent time really getting real and opening up to each other, for the first time, really. I don’t know… But whatever it was, I felt free enough to bring up my frustration over Sunday’s adventure in a way I’d not even considered doing, and hadn’t done in a long time. Instead of pulling out my Bible and using it as a weapon, I was just honest about my experience and my personal frustration.

It opened up doors to a full-on conversation where I learned a lot, gained a different perspective, understood the situation better and came to trust John and his leadership more, and respect him more deeply as well.

I’m still in awe over the whole experience. I wish I could say I had something to do with all this. But I know I didn’t. I had no intention of approaching the subject that way — if I approached it all. God did it. He did it all. All I did was take an opportunity that presented itself, took a deep breath and opened my mouth. God did the rest. The words, the attitude, the tone of voice… the honesty… none of it was what I’d planned or rehearsed in my head.

There are times in my life where I feel like I just received a kiss on the cheek from God. Tonight is one of those moments.

What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.
    Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry–but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life….
       Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. — Ephesians 4:25-26, 29 (The Message)