Category Archives: Community

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Peace and Love

There are some days I’m in love with my life.

Today is one of those days.

I live in Nashville. I live in freakin’ Nashville, ya’ll!! How cool is that! I love this town! I love the weather outside. It feels like Christmas, like the way I want Christmas to feel. It’s my favorite kind of weather, ever… very overcast and cold, and been lightly raining on and off all day. The Christmas lights shine warmer and sweeter in this kind of atmosphere.

But most of what’s caused me to fall in love with my life — or remember how much there is to love — is a sense of finally getting to a place of normalcy… a place where I’m coming to grips with who I am right now, what I want and that I’m finally ready to start loving and taking care of me.

I’ve been hanging out at home all day. It’s nice not to have to be somewhere. Just kicking back in my comfort clothes and watching a marathon of "America’s Next Top Model". I know, you probably think this is all just a bunch of "reality" tv tripe. But actually, I’m really learning lots about myself as I watch these episodes back-to-back. I’m learning a lot about how my own insecurities about myself have affected my life and the things I’ve tried to accomplish. I’m also see how I’ve sabotaged myself at times through either those insecurities or through my own nasty habit of avoidance and passive tendencies.

I’ve also realized how much of a ham I am. šŸ™‚ I’ve been posing with the models, from my little perch here on the couch. People often comment that I’m very photogenic and I’ve realized much more as I’ve watched how little of that has to do with my looks and how much of it has to do with my determination to allow my personality and that "sparkle" I have inside come out through my face, and especially my eyes. I have a tendency to sort of "pose" my insides on my face every time I see a camera — something Tyra Banks comments is very important for models to do, btw! I don’t know what it is I do… it’s not something I think of as much as it is an attitude I pull from within and "pop" onto my face. It’s just a small thing, but it’s part of who I am. Part of me that I like. And that’s an important step forward for me, as I rediscover myself and work to regain a peace about me.

I had an ultra-fine day yesterday, which adds to my peace and love today. I finally saw Jamie again after nearly three months. I’d seen him briefly in late October. But I hadn’t spent significant time with him in ages, There are just some people who make life totally worth all the agony. Jamie is one of those people. Something in his spirit, his soul, his personality — or all three — creates an incredibly warm atmosphere where ever he is. Not just warm, but "real". Jamie doesn’t play games, or wear masks. He is real, authentic. He absolutely knows who he is and he is completely at peace with that. Not that he doesn’t work at "becoming", he does. But he’s also very comfortable and happy in his own skin.

Maybe that’s why I love being around him, why I feel so much healthier, emotionally and spiritually, after being around him. One of the things I’ve been learning the last few months is how important it is for me to be at home and happy in my own skin, to be at peace with who I am right now. When I’m around Jamie, his peace just naturally rubs of on me. And life is just better.

I want to be like that. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be happy and at peace with myself right where I am, even while I’m working to better myself. And I think I’m finally on my way. This last couple of weeks I’ve been even more introspective than normal. I’ve been chewing on a lot of things, things about myself and my life that I’ve hated for a long time… my weight, for example, or where I find myself career-wise. Something has happened in the last few days. I’m not sure what exactly it is — though I’d like to figure it out because I’d like to repeat it — but I’m finding myself more at peace with who I am. I think part of it is just being real about who I am. Not just the weight issue. That, I think, is only one small piece of the whole picture.

There are many parts of me, of my personality, that I’ve either run from, denied or been embarrassed about. I’ve seen them as unfeminine, or unChrist-like. As I’ve been doing more digging into myself and being honest with myself, I’m realizing that my view of these things has been skewed either by others’ opinions and/or my perceptions of others’ opinions.

I’ve always admired and wondered how people live their lives without concern for how others perceive them or what others say to them about them. For so many years I’ve allowed what other people say, and my perception of what they mean by what they say, to impact my opinion of myself. I’ve lived this way as long as I can remember.

I know this blows the mind of some people who know me. Nina, for example, told me a few months back that her experience with me was always one that left her with the strong belief that I didn’t care what others think about me, that their opinions don’t affect me. But the truth is, their words and opinions have a power over me that frightens me.

So I adopted an attitude very early in life, as a way to protect myself. But people’s opinions of me matter far more than is healthy I think.

God’s  opinion of me is the only opinion that’s important. That’s the Truth. But putting that truth into practice and making it a reality in my life will take time. I’m now re-evaluating many things I’ve come to believe about me based on old opinions of others. I’m learning to "judge" myself based on what God says about me. I have to "reprogram" my mind. And, FINALLY,  I’m feeling up to the challenge.

Today has been good. I’m falling in love with myself and rediscovering all there is to love about my life. I’ve had a great day, relaxing, enjoyable and rejuvenating. Today it’s been good to be me. Thanks, God!

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Mosaic – A Conversation

Lon referred to "the Mosaic Movement". Hmm…

I wouldn’t call it a movement. I like how Brian McLaren describes Emergent: it’s a conversation.

I think Mosaic is a conversation. Perhaps even a model. But I hope it never becomes a movement. A movement is what Christianity is supposed to be. Mosaic should never replace Jesus, should never even attempt to compete with Him, in that arena.

I read an article recently about the Emerging Church conference and it sounded very much like a regular Sunday morning at Mosaic, full of chaos, confusion, miscommunications, frustration on the part of some leaders because of the all the aforementioned… Yeah, that pretty much sums up many of the Sundays I spent at Mosaic/The Church on Brady.

So why did I stay? Because it is all worth it. All the chaos, frustration, confusion, miscommunication, long days, long nights… it’s all worth it. The community forged within that arena, the bonds we all share because of our common experiences and, more importantly, our common convictions and goals. I also believe in, and stand behind, Mosaic’s core values.

Core Values
Mission is why the church exists.
Love is the context for all mission.
Relevance to culture is not optional.
Structure must always submit to Spirit.
Creativity is the natural result of spirituality.

It’s an interesting thing, really. These core values were present when I first arrived, long before we changed our name to Mosaic, and even before Erwin was Lead Pastor. However, Erwin had the foresight, and insight, to distill them down to bite size phrases, as well as to sum up the main theme of our community and communicate them to a new generation of leaders hungry for community at its most primal level.

I believe the instilling of these core values into Church on Brady/Mosaic is owed to Bro. Tom, Carol Davis, and all the other staff, leaders and elders from Brady’s past. These core values expressed through people’s lives were the very things that attracted me to Brady.

I felt a strong sense of God’s presence as soon as I walked through the door. I knew the people here lived by their faith, not just expressed it on Sundays. Not only that, there was true community at Brady. I know Erwin is at times fond of talking about how he nixed the "Welcome" time because members were stepping over guests to greet each other. However, I never saw that in my years at Mosaic. In fact, to quite the contrary, I’m the product of members constantly greeting me. Even after I was serving on the sound team I was often greeted by members whom I had not yet met and who welcomed me warmly during that welcome time. I saw how much they loved the Lord through how the showered me with attention and love. I also saw servanthood modeled by staff and elders that I’d never seen before. I remember seeing a staff member straightening chairs and cleaning up trash between services. It’s an image that will long stay in my memory. My dad had served on staff and several churches, and I don’t ever remember seeing anyone on staff doing such "menial" labor. I was amazed, and I was hooked. I felt compelled to follow their leading. I also saw hope reflected in the lives of the people around me. They followed hard after Jesus, which means they often took hard blows in life. But they never gave up, never stopped serving Jesus, no matter what happened. They also never pretended to not hurt, or pretended all was well in life. They were honest about where they were and what they were feeling.

Mosaic’s roots are found in 2 Thessalonians 1:3-4. We strive to be a community:

Living by faith
Known by love
And is voice of hope to the world.

Ultimately, this is what we all strive to be at Mosaic. It’s fleshed out in the core values, but this is it at it’s most basic. If you want to be a part of the Mosaic conversation, this is the place to start. Community.

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Hey Lon! An Answer and A Bit of History

Wow, how’d you find out I’d quoted you…? I forgot to let you know (what I usually do when I quote someone I don’t know.)

You commented that it looks like I’ve joined the "Mosaic Movement" and wanted to know more.

Well… no, I didn’t join Mosaic. It kinda popped up around me.

See, back in 1994, I joined the Church on Brady — who’s official name was, and still is as far as I know, First Southern Baptist Church, East Los Angeles. It was originally founded in the 1940s out of a little store-front on Whittier Boulevard in East LA. It eventually moved to property on Brady Street in East LA, where it still was in the 1960s. The racial turmoil of the times caused people to drop the "Southern Baptist" part from the name of the church, preferring instead to say, "I go to that little church on Brady Street." The nickname stuck and eventually all the signs were change to The Church on Brady.

I started coming at the urging of a friend, Darla, around the end of 1993. I joined the sound team in January ’94 and joined the church a few months later. I’ve been a member there ever since. At that time Bro. Tom Wolf was the pastor. In April ’94, however, Erwin McManus was named Senior Pastor and Bro. Tom took the position of Teaching Pastor.

In 1997 we made our first foray into services at a new location — East LA College (ELAC). We planned to start meeting there full-time come January 1998 because we were outgrowing the Brady site. This presented a small problem. The Church on Brady would no longer be the church "on Brady Street." Now what? I remember some talk about what we would call ourselves… and for some reason I want to say we had kind of a naming contest going, or something… but I can’t remember. At any rate, Erwin eventually came to the name, Mosaic; the elders voted and it was decided. Mosaic we would now be.

In 1998 we moved both our morning and evening services off the Brady Street property. The only thing that still met there were our Wednesday evening classes and monthly Lord Supper services. ELAC was one of the meeting places. The second was a downtown nightclub, at that time still call the Shangri-La, once owned by Prince. We had actually looked into buying it, but when we couldn’t agree on a price it was sold to someone else. That new owner was willing to rent us the space for our "Urban" services on Sunday evening.

Unfortunately, there’s a growing misconception that Mosaic began with that "Urban" service at the SoHo (as the club was then called). This isn’t true on many levels. As I’ve pointed out, Mosaic was begun as First Southern Baptist over sixty years ago now. Also, we’d been having those Sunday night services at the Brady site for over a year before moving to the nightclub. However, up until we moved to the Mayan night club a few months ago, the SoHo had been the longest venue we’d been at since we ventured off Brady Street. I think many people hear Erwin refer to that fact and assume that Mosaic started in ’98 with that service. Just NOT true. šŸ™‚

Eventually our morning "Metro" services were moved back to the Brady site for a year or so, mid-99 thru 2001. Somewhere around April or May 2001 (I was in India at the time) Metro moved over to San Gabriel High school, and met there until March of 2004, when it moved over to the night club as well.

In 2003 we finally sold the Brady site property, and in 2004 we purchased some land in… La Puente area, I think… I’m not really sure where it is. I think it will eventually become the office facilities. And hopefully, with any grace from God, it will also become a housing facility for our overseas workers when they are in the States (a quad-type home featuring 4 2-3 bedroom apartments with laundry facilities and small kitchenettes all of which share a main large common living room-type common area has been suggested by some friends of mine…).

That’s kind of the history of Mosaic/Church on Brady/First Southern Baptist Church as it pertains to me. My involvement with it, however, and my convictions run much deeper and are more complex.

Let me see if I can detail all that out in another post… or two…

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Disappointment

I walked into the Convivium Wednesday night thirsty; in desperate need of a community to come along side me and just love on me. What I walked into was a gathering of of like-minded people. What I got was a business meeting. What I left with was a heart even heavier and thirstier than when I went in.

What do you do when your ministry team isn’t a community? Should I even be looking to them for that? Am I expecting too much from them? Should I be looking for my friendships and companionships elsewhere?

Should I even be in ministry right now? I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. I’m struggling with depression, on anti-depressants, in counseling…. I can’t even give a hundred per cent at my office because I can’t focus, can’t sleep, can’t….

No one is getting my best. No one here is seeing me at my best. I just don’t have it to give. I try my hardest, but it’s just not there… what I know I’m capable of, it just won’t come. And I feel all the sadder, because no one is getting to see the best of me.

The exhilaration of life I felt just last weekend as I drove over the mountains and soaked up all the beauty and majesty of Tennessee and the Carolinas has vanished. I remember what it felt like, but I no longer feel it.

But I still feel God’s presence. Like a mother hen gathering her chicks, He gathers me under His wing and holds me close. No answers. No insight. No words, except a whispered, “oh, my sweet, sweet child! It’s okay. I’m here.”

He never disappoints. Never. Everyone else around does, at some point. Most not maliciously, or even consciously. It’s just the nature of us humans.

But God, He’s not human. He took the form of one once… but not the shape. He doesn’t act like us at all. He never disappoints. Never.

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Convivium

[Latin]–a feast or banquet; or, more broadly, a living together, from con + vivo.

Once upon a time, long ago, people ate meals together. Sometimes these meals would last for days. Sometimes merely hours. Sometimes it was merely the breaking of bread and drinking a bit of wine. Other times a fatted calf was killed and a party ensued the like of which you ain’t seen in, well… ages. People not only at together, they talked. In between bites, or perhaps, when the conversation got good, during bites, they would share their opinions, beliefs, convictions, the latest joke they heard, and all manner of things with each other.

Those were the days, eh.

What’s happened to our world? We go out to eat, but the restaurants are so loud we can’t really talk. We talk on the phone but are too busy to really delve deep into the reservoirs of each others minds. We gather over coffee at Starbucks or Fido and tell each other about the happenings in our lives, but we never listen to each others hearts. Nor, sadly, to we share our own.

Tonight is Convivium. Every other Wednesday Mosaic Nashville’s launch team gathers together to feast, not on food, but on words. Each other’s words. It’s a time to live together, to dine together at the table of our God. Where His Word and our words come together in a glorious feast that satisfies the soul’s hunger and thirst for true community.

We don’t get it right all the time. Sometimes our souls walk away still thirsting. Sometimes our hearts walk away bruised. But we’re a convivium of imperfect humans, so how can we expect our relationships with each other to be perfect?

Tonight I go to Convivium with a very deep soul hunger. The last few days have left me raw inside; beat up, wiped out, and sad. Very sad. Tears roll for no immediate reason. Please, God, let this evening be Your time. Let it be a true Convivium, what it was designed by You to be: a place where I, and every other soul-hungry teammate, can feast at Your table.

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.” — Isa 55:1-3

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Forgiveness and Peace

A painful occurence from last year has resurfaced.

A person I considered a friend hurt me deeply and basically kicked me out of her house. I decided to kick her out of my life. However, I never told her. Nor did I ever admit this to myself. No, after a few months of anger and a few more of just tears of pain, I concluded I was “over it”. It was in my past and I wasn’t looking back. I want to live in the future. Or at least in the moment. I’ve spent too many years looking backward. I don’t have many left. Let’s make these count.

But my dreams….my dreams. They betray me. They betray a heart still broken, still hurting. Still angry. Sometimes raging. And a spirit not at peace because there has been no resolution. And it’s on me. It’s all on me. It’s because of me the matter still remains unresolved. The door was slammed in my face. I was never really told why. I left. And never went back.

Not until today, when friends who love me spoke Truth — one in kick-a** style only he can get away with, and the other with the compassion only a friend of many years of enduring love can be capable of — only today was I willing to own up. To say, “I have not obeyed God. I have not done my part to, as much as possible, live at peace with this woman, as God asks me to in Romans 12:19.”

Over the last two years pain has layered upon pain, loss upon loss. Going overseas, leaving family, friends, and home behind. Team conflict, conflict with the leader, loneliness, home-sickness, feelings of incompetency created a landslide of negative thoughts and emotions. Then dad’s heart attack, his death, mom’s death, my team’s continued crumbling…. how much more could I take?

Nothing. Nothing more, was my heart’s determination. The next thing would be the straw that broke me.

That’s when it happened. Betrayal in a counseling session snowballed into stonewalling that ended with “you have to leave…”, a two-day deadline to get out and the declaration, “That’s not my problem.” when I said I had no where to go.

I was wrong. I had many places to go. God provided, as only He can, through loving friends and compassionate church family.

But now there was truly nothing left of me. I was just broken, jagged pieces. Shattered. Scattered.

Thank God. THANK GOD for being who He is. Loving, gracious, compassionate. He rescued me, held me in His grip, hid me in His chest, cradled me in HIs arms, and wiped ever tear from my cheeks.

I buried my anger, I ate my way through my pain, gaining 20 pounds along the way, and denied my responsibility to live at peace with everyone, as far as it is possible, even with this woman.

I admit it. I don’t want to forgive her. I don’t want to release her from the consequences of her actions and love her — which is how I best understand forgiveness. I HURT. Still, even today, the pain is there. And my mind screams, “It’s not fair! Someone should pay for this!”

How ugly my heart is! How can I call myself a follower of Jesus when I will not follow Him into places in others’ lives that He willingly traverses in mine every second of the day? When I will not forgive another for something less than He has forgiven me? When I will not take captive these thoughts that set themselves up against Jesus’ very reason for suffering the humiliation of the cross and replace them with the choice to forgive, release and live at peace?

This must be what Paul meant when he said, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” (Romans 7:24-25)

Yet he goes on to say (in chapter 8… who thought up these weird breaks in the Bible, anyway…??) that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (vs 1)… and furthermore, that we who have the Spirit of God living in us have power over the sinful nature… “So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God’s very own children, adopted into his family — calling him ‘Father, dear Father.’ For his Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we will share his treasures — for everything God gives to his Son, Christ, is ours, too.”

Father, help me! Help me obey You. Help me forgive Brenda.

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Passion

You ever feel like there’s so much stuff in your head that it’s all just one big jumbled mess? Lordy, I need my mind defragged. Clean up all the partially deleted crap and consolidate everything in more orderly…. something…

Last night I had a great evening getting to know some new friends, Jason and Cully. God just keeps blessing me with new people in my path. These two are gems! Incredibly talented and passionate people. Jason’s working on a worship cd and a follow up project, both of which really stirred my soul. I don’t care if he never pays me, I’d work for him forever for free — if I could afford it — just to be a part of this upcoming project. I offered… we’ll see if he takes the bait. I sure hope so!

Since last night, so many thoughts have been zooming around my brain so fast that I can’t hardly catch up with them. Most of these revolve around the risk of freelancing for some of Jason’s friends in the music business (if they’ll have me) and working Starbuck’s-type jobs to fill in the financial gap versuses the stability of finding a regular, full time job. Do I live on the edge, or settle for boredom and security? And if I choose the edge, will God continue to provide?

Passion. Jason is following his. Leading worship is where he feels most alive. I feel the same about mixing for worship and being involved in coordinating worship events. Just like with coming here to Nashville, the more I think about what he’s doing, the more I want to be involved in it… somehow….

Life on the edge calls to me. But my fear has me temporarily frozen…. What if I fall? Will God catch me?

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Square Peg, Round Hole

I don’t fit in here. I don’t know where I do fit. I wish I did.

Last night we had our second “Gathering” in Centenial Park. Most of the team was there… minus the Shanklin’s, who’ve gone back to Indiana to pack, Tim who’s in Indiana working on a plan to come back — and Jared and Noni, whom I’m hoping and praying real hard will come out. So, okay, not everyone was there. But most of us were. And we had two other girls and two new guys.

I tried to fit in, I really did. But I’m not in college, like the girls and one of the guys, or working with college kids, like Mike and his roommates. I’m not an artist, or in any form “artsy” like Brian, Josh, Tim, Jared, Noni and Jamie. Nor am I a mom, like Dawn and Elizabeth. And I’m certianly not the extrovert people magnet Jamie is. Where do I fit? Where do I find people like me here in Nashville? Older, single, no kids, with a career goal of following Jesus no matter the cost…?

I cried most of the way home. I miss my life group in LA. I miss Cassie, and her enveloping hugs. I miss Debbie, and the depth of her spirit. I miss Wendy and the depth of her love. Her heart is such rich soil! I miss Kat. I just miss all of Kat! šŸ™‚ I miss Ron and Leticia… and… just getting lost in Mosaic. In the worship, in the atmosphere… I miss being anonymous in my comfort zone. I can be anonymous here, but it just ain’t anywhere near my comfort zone — and if you’ve ever been to a “southern” church and also to Mosaic, you understand what I mean!

Here there’s no where to hide. Not in Mosaic, anyway. But yet, even though I stand in the light exposed, I can’t find the little hole labeled “Lu’s hole”. I’m too square to fit in the round artsy holes where the rest of the team resides, and too round to fit in the square holes where the churches here all reside.

I feel like I’m back in high school, sitting on the theatre steps, wishing I was either cool enough to fit in with the hip crowd, or funky enough to fit in with actors and other artists, rather than sitting there alone in all my weirdness eating my pb&j….

No matter how far we get from graduation, we always end up back at the lunch tables. Weird.