Category Archives: Community

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Into The Mystic

Alex McManus. Friend. Mentor. Pastor. I owe much to him. He’s saved my sanity on many occasions with his sound wisdom and gracious heart. Not to mention his wife is the best friend a woman could ever have! She is amazing and I miss her deeply.

Alex has his own blog now. Look out world! He recently posted:

what a momentous and opportune moment for the gospel this is. can we step into this epic battle between western culture and islamic culture with the gospel of the kingdom in such a way that the beauty of christ covers the earth as the waters cover the sea?

who cares about being postmodern? followers of jesus come from the future where every knee bows and every tongue confesses that jesus is lord to the glory of God. it is towards that future that we labor.

Sometimes I think we get too wrapped up in the wrappings of our message and forget that people don’t need the wrapping, they need what’s inside. They need restoration with the God who made them. They need someone to lead them to Jesus, to help them connect with Him. Will I step up to the plate and be that person? Or will I let them die of spiritual starvation?

Being new to Nashville has been hard in many respects. I’m so used to an already established sphere of friends and influence. Here I have none. I have to build it all over again. I’m also used to working in a very "secular", non-Christian environment, which provided built-in relationships with those who don’t know Christ. Here I’ve worked in nothing but Christian environments. Very, VERY strange place to be first of all. Very weird for me. And also left me void of those relationships with nonbelievers. I’m so not a socialite, so I prefer to make most of my friends at work — or church. That just ain’t workin’ here. But, ugh, do I hate the idea of going "social" to make new friends.

But if I don’t…. who will starve spiritually because I haven’t? There are people here who need the same kind of relationship with God that I have.  I know how they can get it. But if I don’t meet them, how can I tell them?

Is God the God of meeting people, of Divine intersections? Or am I the one who makes it happen? Where do I draw the line between "works" and "grace", between "the doing" and "the worshipping and being"?

People will always praise Mary in the story of Mary and Martha. But the truth is, in reality, they expect you to be Martha — and chastise those who aren’t. But what does God expect, really? Will He bring the relationships to me if I stay at His feet?

Oh, how I wish I knew.

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Overheard and Remembered

"People do what they want to do. The rest is just excuses." — Tyne Daly, as Maxine Grey on "Judging Amy"

"Do what you want to do. Don’t do what you don’t want to do." — Alex McManus, as my friend, 2001 when I asked for advice on a particular issue of someone wanting me to do something that I really didn’t want to do.

When I pressed him further, Alex simply said, "People often do things because they feel obligated, or because they think it’s what others want them to do, not because they really WANT to do those things themselves…..  Do what you want to do. Don’t do what you don’t want to do."

What strikes me about both statements is the truth within them. They may seem to oppose one another, yet ultimately I believe they don’t. I think people do "do what they want to do" and at the same time, they don’t. They want to please others, so that’s what they do, even though what that leads to is NOT what they want to do.

When I think of all the things I’ve done because I thought others wanted me to, or because I thought it was what I was "supposed" to do, or I thought it was the thing that would get me in good with others…. Oh, the time and energy I’ve wasted! I did those things because I wanted to, but I wanted to for all the wrong reasons. And when I didn’t get what I expected, I felt bitter, resentful, and angry at those from whom I expected something.

Alex’s advice took me by surprise. It’s not at all what you’d expect a pastor-type friend to say. But it has stuck with me ever since. It is now one of the touchstones by which I make my decisions and take action. "What is it I really want to do?" "Do I really want to do this?"

Jesus said, "let your yes be yes and your no be no." In other words, don’t say yes to someone when your heart is really saying no. How many times has my mouth said yes and my heart said no? Far too many to count…

Since receiving Alex’s advice in October 2001, I’ve worked hard to check myself, to check my motives when I act. Over the summer and fall of 2003 I discovered afresh how devastating it can be to a relationship when our mouths make commitments our hearts are not behind. I was a participant in a friendship that was riddled with that behavior, and I was guilty of it myself. It ultimately destroyed the relationship. There is a bitter taste to eating your own words, especially when you’re heart outed you long ago.

In my present relationships — all my relationships — I have made a commitment to God and to myself that I will never let my mouth make commitments my heart is not behind. Better an honest "no, thank you" than a disingenuous "yes I will."

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Heartsick

I’m heartsick. Absolutely heartsick. I just read Dawn’s latest post. My soul aches to its depths.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

"Mosaic Nashville’s core team met again last night…"

I read this at the beginning of a blog of one of the members of the core team…it made me lose interest in the rest of the message.

I’ll explain.  See, I wasn’t at that meeting.  Bryan wasn’t at that meeting.  In fact, neither of us even knew this meeting happened.  It seems strange to me, because I thought we were part of the core team.

Bryan and I left our core group of believers in Texas to follow a calling God placed in our hearts.  We were setting out on an adventure to reach people in Tennessee.  We were joining a group of others with the same vision and passion.  We were the FIRST ONES IN NASHVILLE!  And now we are not even included in the core team!

Dawn’s right. She has every right to be angry. I can give reasons why she and Brian weren’t there, but ultimately they’ll just sound like empty excuses.

I didn’t know they didn’t know about our Life In Christ meetings. I’d been told they knew. I guess I misunderstood.

Oh, my heart hurts!! I love Dawn. She’s been a good friend to me. I look forward to seeing her every Sunday. If I were to be totally honest, I’d say I rather cling to her and follow her around like a puppy, because she’s one of maybe three people in the group with which I feel totally comfortable being myself. It breaks my heart to know I hurt her!

And I know the pain she’s feeling. I know that feeling of being left out all too well. All too well. It’s happened too many times in my life to ever forget the sting of it, and the anger that rises from the depths of your heart, the feeling that you’d been played, lied to….  I would never intentionally inflict that pain on someone else. And yet, unintentionally, I have. Oh, Jesus, forgive me!

I hope Dawn will forgive me…. I will take every angry, hurtful word she wants to say — or yell, or scream — at me. I know it’s justified. I know where it comes from. I understand it. I just hope when its all spent she will forgive me. Forgive us.

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Structure, Spirit, Submission & Straight-Talk

Mosaic Nashville’s core team met again last night. The original plan was to go over core value # 3,  "Structure Must Submit To Spirit."

Instead, we sort of lived it out as a few details Josh needed to discuss with us took over the meeting and took us to a completely different conversational level, as well as direction… There’s so much to sort through, and some to tell, from last night. I might be writing about this for some time… then again, I might not write about it at all for a while, depending on how much settling occurs of the swirling cogitations going on in my head.

I will, in the meantime, however, share this little gem. Part of our conversation last night went like this:

Jesus: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? " (Mark 8:34-36)

Josh: I’ve always read this passage and thought, "that’s a sweet idea…. " (pause as Josh considers how to voice his thoughts)

Adria: That’s not sweet. That’s Jesus being a hard-ass.

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What Just Happened?

That’s the question I asked myself repeatedly on the way home from tonight’s team meeting. I didn’t intend to say anything revealing. I had no plans earlier in the day, though the possibility and idea of it was presented to me at one point. Even the drive there was consumed with prayers and cries to God about something, I thought, completely different.

A conversation started lightly. It quickly went deeper. I let it go there… risking the  possible pain of rejection, or worse, condemnation for who I am inside right now. The risk so far hasn’t been a bad one. The conversation went on a lot longer than I ever anticipated. It gave me a sense of freedom and comfort level I hadn’t had in this group before.

That conversation blended into the meeting… Before we ended I found myself speaking up, without really knowing what it was I had to say. Words came. Tears flowed. Openness, vulnerability…. Had I really thought the thing through, I’d never have done it. Who purposefully strips down to their skivvies and leaves themselves exposed before everyone? Not a sane person, I tell you! Only one who’s got nothing left to lose. Perhaps that’s ultimately what this is about. One last desperate plea for help because what is there left to lose? No, I didn’t bear all. But I showed enough to leave me feeling exposed… everyone got the picture.

Next thing I knew I was surrounded, held and prayed for… loving hugs, smiles and laughter. Who knew this could happen? God, in His infinite love of mystery, kept this whole chapter hidden from me until He wrote it tonight.

What happened next I could never have expected. Others opened up. Sharing moved to a deeper level. Tears from another compelled me off the couch and into an embrace. I pulled back a little to find that everyone now sat in a small circle — a cynic would call it a holy-huddle…. but there was nothing huddle-y about this moment.

Holy. It was definitely holy. I can’t tell you what that word means, but I know what it feels like. And that  room was suddenly alive with it.

We talked a little more. And then we prayed. We prayed so long my feet fell painfully asleep. Afterward no one really wanted to leave, and only did because exhaustion was overtaking us.

What just happened? Was that the beginning of something, or just a holy moment? And how do you know? Is that repeatable, or as we were taught at Mosaic LA to say: is that reproduce-able? Can others follow behind us and reproduce it in their groups? How  it is possible — how will it be so — if we can’t isolate what it was that was the catalyst to begin with? How in the heck does anyone reproduce a holy moment like that?? That’s just not something you see every day, you know?

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Still

The week has been busy. Things have happened. I did some fun things.

But my struggle goes on.

I know God loves me.

I believe He is working. I believe He is acting even now to ensure His purpose for my life is fulfilled.

But still I struggle.

Life is so uncertain. The way is dark. And scary. Its filled with risk.

Possibilities have presented themselves. But the danger of failure looms large. What if I can’t produce? is the question that stays ever before my face.

I ache. With a sorrow and grief still so profound. I thought they would have lessened by now. I have cried every day this week, missing mom and dad to the depth of my being. Longing with a passion that sometimes scares me to join them and be done with this world.

I’m starving for community. Yet I feel so anti-social I rarely pick up my phone to answer it. Forget calling anyone. Even when I meet with the Mosaic core group I struggle to stay engaged. Oh how I struggle!! Just to engage. Never-mind delving deep, just engage.  I fight a desire to stay hidden, to lock away my heart forever. Only the fear of being used by the enemy to destroy what God longs to build in Mosaic Nashville keeps me from giving in to bitterness.

Deep Depression consumes me. Every aspect of my life is shrouded in its darkness. Will it devour me forever? Will I never escape its grasp?

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. –Psalm 13

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Thank You

You’re emails, comments, and phone calls have been such an incredible blessing. I am so blessed. I am loved deeply by people I love deeply.

Kat, you’re my angel. My life would not be the same without you. I’m so very glad you are my friend. I love you.

Wendy, I know you called. I was in my counseling session…. but afterward I crashed with the pain of the migraine. Just knowing you called lifted my spirits and encouraged my heart. You have proved your love and true friendship over and over. God bless you, my friend! I love you.

Thank you every single one who reads my ramblings. You bring me joy. You could spend your time many ways, yet you choose to stop in here and see what crazy thing I have to say today.

God is good.

Life is hard. It sucks big time sometimes. But God is always good. Even in the suckiest moments of life. He is faithful. He loves deeply, passionately and actively.

He gave me you. That is a great gift indeed.

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Louis Goes Home

I wrote this last night… but didn’t have the heart or strength to finish it.

January 4, 2005 9:10pm
Louis went home to Jesus about an hour ago. Wendy called me a few minutes ago to let me know…

Thanks everyone for your prayers for him.

Please continue to pray for Lou and Betsy as they learn to live without their only son.

God Bless You, Lou and Betsy. Your loss is profound and no one can truly fathom the pain you now feel. Don’t rush through this time, as your heart will beg you to. Don’t bury the pain under stoic faces, phrases like "he’s in a better place," and "at least he’s no longer in pain." Yes, his pain is over. But yours is just beginning. And God longs for you to let it out and express it in any way you like. He longs to comfort you in the midst of it — just has He has over the past few years.

My heart aches for you. I hardly know you, but was so blessed by your faithful ministry. And it grieves me to know the dark road that lies ahead for you. I lost both my parents within 6 days of each other in July 2003. That’s how I ended up back in LA, for a time of healing.

Lou, you were a huge part of that healing. Your ministry through music was like a healing balm to my broken heart. And you’re kindnesses, encouragement and praise of my mixing nourished my soul and gave me courage to try to fly again.

I wish I had beautiful music and soothing words of comfort to offer you. But I don’t. No one can know the path you walk now. Except God. He knows every inch of it. And He will walk every step of it with you. Try to remember that, especially in the darkness. You have walked so far already, and He has been there. He is faithful. He will be there. Always.

I’m praying for you daily.

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Prayer for the Pardinis

There is a man I worked with while at Mosaic Beverly Hills. His name is Lou Pardini and he’s an amazing keyboardist/songwriter/singer. He was/is the musical director for the worship team there. I loved, I mean, loved working with him!! All the musicians there were amazing. Such talent mixed with humility. Man, that was such an awesome experience! I loved mixing them. It was a pleasure every Sunday. I miss them. I miss mixing them….

Wendy’s been sending me frequent updates on Lou’s son, Louis, who was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and has been in the fight of his life ever since. She posted an update today and the news wasn’t good. And yet it was:

BTW: Just a side note… yesterday Scott, Narda, John & I went to the hospital to see Lou/Louis/ & Betsy. We had an amazing time talking and sharing with Lou… and hearing the things that God had been teaching Lou. I learned yesterday that Louis almost died on New Years Eve. It is a miracle truly that he is still alive. Keep praying for him. The doctors are now saying the last chemo was not good. Every day, every moment is a miracle. Lou shared yesterday that he had told his friends two years ago that he wouldn’t have another moment of joy until Louis was free from his cancer…. And he told us yesterday he could not believe the kind of joy that God had given him in the last two years… along with the pain was such incredible joy… and you know it shows… and it’s beautiful.

I understand so well what Lou is talking about. There is nothing more exhilarating, more joy-filling than crying out to God in pain, frustration, anger, confusion, agony, and suddenly realizing you are standing in His presence, His deep abiding love and grace raining down and soaking you, enveloping you completely in His joyful celebration of you, His passionate affection for you, His gentle compassion for your wounds. The pain is still there, the problems haven’t disappeared, the situation hasn’t changed. But yet you feel such a deep, abiding joy. A joy you can’t explain.  A joy no one can touch. You know God heard you. You know God is there with you.

It’s like when you’re a child and your dad is holding and rocking you after you’ve fallen, comforting you with cooing and kisses. Your knees are still all scrapped and bleeding, they still sting with pain. You’ll still have to go through a time of healing. And it will all hurt for a while. But sitting there on his lap, wrapped up in his strong arms, head against his warm chest, you know you are safe, and loved. And in that moment, all of life is okay.

There is nothing in this world that can compare to the experience Lou and Betsy have had. I believe it’s the essence of true worship.

Thank you, Jesus, so much!, for Lou, Betsy and Louis. They have been a blessing to so many… more than they will ever know. Thank you for giving them this life-changing experience. What a deep well of love and grace, mercy, strength and joy they have to draw from now! You are so sweet to drink from! So soul-nourishing!

Father, I don’t know what your will is. My heart cries out for Louis’ healing. To lose him now… it just doesn’t seem right to me. I know You say death isn’t the end, but it sure feels (and looks) like it from here. But I’m not You. I cannot see what you can. Please, Jesus, let Your will be done now. Let no man or spirit hinder Your will being done in the lives of the Pardinis. Please give each one of them the strength, courage and grace to face the coming days…. and years. All our minutes are in Your hands, Lord. We cry out to You for mercy. We need you, Jesus. Rain on the Pardinis. I know You will. Please, Jesus, move heave and earth to keep the enemy away from them, that they will continually sense and know Your abiding presence each and every day.