Category Archives: College Student

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One Day at a Time


"If God gives such
attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even
seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his
best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not
be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving.
People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things,
but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality,
God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll
find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

"Give
your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get
worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you
deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." — Matt 6:30-34

463245_17834269Sometimes life just gets away from me. Some of those times I feel like I’m trying to catch a bus that’s already pulling away from the curb. But other times, like this week, I feel like I’m on a roller-coaster. I’m on the ride — not running beside trying to get on — which is good, but the thing is going so fast and looping around so much I can’t focus on anything. Not so good. And even though I’m securely strapped in, I feel very much like I’m going to fall out. Or at least lose everything in my pockets.

Know what I mean?

I used to think the phrase from which I pulled the title of this post was trite and irrelevant. How wrong I was! It’s in times like this week, with work and school and church and my own emotional and spiritual healing and recovery  all clamoring for attention — all needing my focus, my time, my energy — that I learn that the only way I can get through and still maintain my sanity is to live one day at a time. And sometimes it’s one hour at a time; one minute at a time; one second at a time—-trusting God to take care of the minutes, hours, days, even months, to come because I just cannot think that far ahead without going crazy with fear.

It’s hard to surrender control of my future to God. I want to be the Master of My Own Destiny! The Queen of my own Domain! Yet when I look back over my life, I realize that I’m not such a good Master, and an even worse queen (unless we’re talking Drama!); and the Destiny and Domains I chose just aren’t all that. Even so, I struggle with letting go.

I know it’s illusion. I know I can’t really control my destiny or my domain. Oh sure, I can make my plans, and spin my webs, and work-work-work like a dog to make it all work out the way I want. But in then end, it’s all for naught. I cannot control the world, the economy, the government, my church, my friends, my bosses, my co-workers or the dorks on the road. I cannot control anything but me: my responses, my actions, my words, and my thoughts. I cannot control the wind or which way it blows. I can only adjust my sails to catch as much of it as I can and point my boat in the general direction I want to go.

Yet I try. So hard sometimes.

How do I steep my life in God-reality,
God-initiative, God-provisions? How to I surrender control of things I’m so used to blindly insisting I have control over? How do I give my entire attention to what God is doing right now when so many other things are clamoring for my attention? The only way I know how is to surrender one thing at a time and live one day at a time, one minute at a time.

How are you?

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I Sing the Mind Alebraic

Img231_2 What in the heck is a quadratic, and why in the world should I care how to solve it? When am I, a non-scientist, non-economist, non-engineer, ever going to need this stuff?? And why doesn’t the answer make sense to me even when by sheer dumb luck I happen to stumble upon it?

These are the questions I am pondering at the moment.

That is, when I’m not screaming computative obscenities ("you quadratic, trinomial, conflicting, squared, factoring—-special product!!") or throwing wads of paper across the room because, once again, I did everything the book and homework helps tell me to do and I still did not get the answer they want. I just do not get this stuff.

I think you have to have a special kind of brain to process math. And God didn’t give me that kind. And I’m about to go insane trying to make myself think like a math-brained person. It just ain’t right.

I told my academic mentor in an email last night that I’m a math virgin — and Algebra1_3 if I could have my way I’d stay that way (I did not tell her that last part!). The most math I’ve had was year of algebra and a semester of geometry in high school. And we don’t talk about how long ago high school was. It frightens people (namely me). Anyway, the class I’m taking would be great for review for the experienced math addict. But for me, the not-math-brained Math Virgin, trying to shove the basics of algebra, geometry, trig and stats into my brain by January 23rd just may prove to be impossible.

Oh, and now I’m even dreaming about math. This morning I woke up literally trying to solve a quadratic problem by using the FOIL method — and I can’t even remember what FOIL stands for. Lord have mercy on my soul brain!

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Mixing, Draft Posts, & General Randomness

Random thoughts swimming in my head, in no particular order.

I miss mixing sound for worship services. But I also don’t miss it.

I miss the team camaraderie and the tight bonds of friendship formed between worship team members, including the sound team. I miss the feeling I get every time the worship team start really grooving, when the sound all comes together and you can hear everything perfectly. When I listen to the tunes that first compelled me to become a sound engineer — like I’ve been doing a lot recently — or to other songs from more recent years (aka not from the 80s) that are astoundingly well-mixed, I remember why I wanted to be a recording engineer so bad. There is nothing in this world, nothing, like listening to really great music perfectly mixed really loud on really big speakers. That is just THE Bomb! Man. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it till I die, recording engineers and front-of-house (FOH) mixers have THE best jobs in the world. —–I also miss the freedom I feel to really cut loose and worship when I’m behind the sound board. For some reason I just don’t feel that freedom when I’m just sitting in the congregation… weird.

But I don’t miss the early, early mornings for setting up or the long hours from set up to tear down. And I don’t miss the stress of trying to figure out what’s buzzing or where the white noise (that’s loud static, for all you non-sound peeps) that just suddenly appeared came from (as happened last night at our church’s worship & prayer event; however, I did quickly figure out it was coming from the "house" system and not our church’s one — you can take the girl out from behind the board… ). And I don’t miss the feeling of stupidity that slaps me in the face every time I’m faced with a question about technical stuff or expectations of fixing equipment. It’s the technical aspect that kills me every time. I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. —– Some times I think I’ll join the sound team at my "new" church  (been here nearly a year… how long is a church "new" anyway?). But then I think of the down sides and my technically-challenged self chickens out.

—Thought break—

I have a ton of posts in draft form and in various stages of unwritten-ness. The problem? So much to say, and so little ability to say it succinctly. So I tinker and edit and add and delete — and rinse and repeat. I’m hopeful most will eventually find their way to the "Publish" section of my post list. But right now they are, in all their draftiness, really bothering me. I don’t like things half-done….

PS — Marti, Alycelee — that 10-20-30 post is coming, I promise!

—A few other random thoughts—

There are times when I really love being single. This is one of them — though I can’t fully express why. I just am really enjoying the freedom and the privileges that come with not being married. It’s a nice feeling.

"Acceptance with Joy" — the flower’s name in "Hinds’ Feet On High Places" has been on my mind a lot lately. I heard a statement last week about acceptance that said, "If you are disturbed by something, it means you find some person, action, place or thing unacceptable." And that made me think of that little flower, and Much Afraid’s declaration, after considering all the twists and turns in her path to the High Places, and the desert she now found herself in: "behold, I am Thy handmaiden Acceptance with Joy!"

This really, really disturbs me (yes, it is something I find unacceptable), but I have yet been able to finish my post regarding my thoughts on it. I was at first so angry I felt sick. Now I’m just very sad. And concerned for the future of the IMB.

I start my Quantitative Literacy classes tomorrow (Algebra, Geometry, Stats, and general mathematics literacy). Pray for me! Math makes my brain go all fuzzy, and my normal intelligent self tends to disappear in favor of a glassy-eye, drooling zombie (not unlike Ben Stein’s students in Ferris Bueller).Pray for me (and my poor instructor)!

Final random thought for the night: This verse really smacked me in the face yesterday morning. I realized my gratitude to and love for God isn’t translating into generosity, and that stung rather a lot.

"But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as
generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you
only what comes from your hand." — King David, I Chronicles 29:14

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I’m Gonna Make it After All

Maryhat_largeYesterday I completed my first year of college. Today I began the second. Can you believe it? I made it through the first year. Oh. My. Gosh. I may really do this!

My academic mentor sent me an email today welcoming me to my second year/Term 3. For some reason I started hearing the theme from Mary Tyler Moore show playing in my head and I thought, "maybe I’m gonna make it through college after all!" Yippeee! If I’d worn a hat today I’d’ve thrown it in the air.

For those of you already-graduates or who never bothered with college who are thinking about now that I’m a little insane, let me tell you exactly why this is a huge deal for me:

a) I’m over 40 and am finally getting my bachelor’s degree;

b) I’ve never been one to see myself completing really hard tasks. I usually quit, or at least see myself as a quitter because even if my body made it to the finish, my mind and spirit gave up long before;

c) It’s even harder to go to school full-time when you’re old(er);

d) I’m taking 24 credit hours per semester in the hopes of graduating in 3 years instead of 4; that’s nearly double what a full-time student takes;

e) I’m working full-time at the same time;

f) ohmygawd no wonder I’m tired all the time and have no social life!!

g) I just didn’t want to end on "f"; it’s not a good letter for a student.

So everybody together now, let’s throw our hats in the air and celebrate the beginning of Year Two of Lu’s University Education Madness. Yippee! I’m gonna make it after all!!

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it’s you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don’t you take it
You’re gonna make it after all
You’re gonna make it after all

How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you’re all alone
But it’s time you started living
It’s time you let someone else do some giving

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don’t you take it
You’re gonna make it after all
You’re gonna make it after all

Love is All Around — by Paul Williams

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Consumer-Driven Health Care

I’m currently working on a research paper about the unbelievably high cost of health care, and the consumer-driven health care ideas that are floating around out there, specifically the new HSAs, and would really appreciate your help.   

If you have a story about being rejected for medical insurance, not having insurance and being stuck with a huge bill, or if you currently have an HSA (Health Savings Account, which is very different than a Flexible Spending Account -FSA-) AND you would be willing to let your story be included in a college research paper (names changed, of course), would you leave your story in the comments of this post? Or those of you who know my email addy can just email it to me.

Even if you don’t have a story, but have thoughts on consumer-driven health care, I’d be interested to hear. I’m trying to get a feel for the general public’s thoughts on this. 

PLEASE NOTE: Comment Moderation is now OFF, so your comment will be immediately published.  Thank you for your help!

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Mental Constipation

I once heard writer’s block described this way:

It’s not that you cannot think of anything to say, or that you have nothing to say, it is that you have so much to say your brain cannot decide where to begin. So it sits frozen, staring at a blank page, constipated with ideas and unable to bring those ideas and thoughts through in an organized fashion.

In other words, Mental Constipation.

The only cure I’ve found is to begin a free-association type game with myself. Get the flow going once again by unblocking the bottleneck in my mind. I begin jotting down random ideas and thoughts that come into my head and let them lead the way for their more cohesive sisters to finally break through.

Sometimes even that doesn’t work. Sometimes, like girls are prone to do, they all think they are the most important and fight to be seen first, effectively re-congesting the narrow passages between my mind and the paper.

This is where I stand today. Mind raging with ideas and thoughts and questions. Blog pages empty and void of any signs of the tumult inside me. It’s like watching the the tv show "Lost" with the sound off, fascinating in its visual chaos but ultimately incomprehensible to the viewer (not that the sound has helped much these days).

I have been studying for two exams; well, one in particular — on language and communication, particularly focusing on critical thinking/reading/writing and on writing essays. This exam is multiple choice. Another exam in late January will be all written essays and a fourth will be a research paper. Through all this studying I’ve discovered just how amateurish my own writing, and my thinking process during writing, is. Realizing how often I skipped the necessary steps of quality writing causes me to cringe, but its the constant conscious "need" to go through those steps now that has really locked me up mentally.

I find I want to write posts about a great many things, only to slam against mental constipation as I try to adopt better writing habits by incorporating the steps I’ve recently learned. Rather than releasing everything in a more orderly fashion, the steps seem to have brought all my ideas and thoughts to an abrupt halt, as if they’ve never seen a flight of stairs in their lives and are frightened to death of taking a hard tumble into the abyss below should they trip on their way down. No one seems to want to make her grand entrance as a post here, or anywhere – even my journals – for that matter, as they all are more accustomed to strutting their stuff down a runway rather than down a winding staircase. And no amount of free-form writing will coax them from their perches at the top of the stairs. Nor has it brought order to their desperate crowding. Each still pushes her way to the front and demands to be recognized as first and most important in the parade, even while steadfastly refusing to begin the parade.

This is what madness must look like from the inside.

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Sometimes Life is Perfect

Or at least as close as you can get on this earth. Right now is one of those times.

I got off work early, so I’m already home, and in my favorite comfy clothes; curled up on my wonderful sofa under my favorite blanket, a mug of hot chai nearby, watching Oprah on the set of "Grey’s Anatomy". Outside its a brisk, cloudy fall evening, with a carpet of leaves and the smells of wood burning in fireplaces all over the neighborhood.  I can see the amazing reds, blues and purples of the sunset through my living room window. I don’t have any homework to do over the weekend, and no big plans to interrupt a perfect couple of days of rest.  I don’t think it gets much better than this.