This week’s challenge, laid out by my counselor last Thursday, is to meditate on the "beatitudes" with an internal perspective, instead of an external one — applying them to myself toward myself, instead of to myself toward others… I don’t know if I fully comprehend his meaning in all that. But I’m working on it anyway.

What I’ve discovered along the way is that I really don’t like the traditional translations of Matthew 5. "Blessed are the poor in spirit…" What the heck does that mean?? Seriously. What does it mean?

So I moved on to The Message. I don’t know if this is a translation, or a paraphrase… or whatever. But this makes sense. I get this.

"You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

"You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

Jiminy-crickets! Has someone opened a window into my life here! All I can think to say is, "Word!" That is my life all the way.

Every night is a testament to the grace and power of God and how He has given me the strength I needed to get through the day. I never wake up in the morning feeling I can make it. It’s really an issue of resolve, determination and tenacity. I take life one step at a time, one hour, even one minute at a time, resolved to never quit, determined to see things through, pushing on even when everything in me screams, ‘no more!’ Eventually, the sun sets, the evening ends and it’s time to lay my head on the pillows once more. Every night is a celebration that I got through it all.

And that celebration is an exclusive party of two. God and me. No one else can possibly understand the tremendous victory we have just won together. That second blessing is so very true. I have lost what is most dear to me. My parents, my dreams, my career, a sense of stability and security. Yet every single day God embraces me. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel His touch, hear His voice, powerfully sense His presence, and know His love, in deep and intimate ways I have no words to express.

"You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are–no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

I wish I knew what that felt like, to be content with just who I am. I’ve never experienced that.

"You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

"You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being "care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

Wow. Applying that inwardly — taking care of myself, not just others.

I know… I’m throwing some of you for a horrible loop. A godly leader is "supposed" to always focus on others. I mean, doesn’t this verse back up the idea that if we care for others, we will find ourselves cared for? But listen to me for a second. We ministry-types, we tend to get rather type-A when it comes to this stuff. We can end up caring for others at the expense of ourselves. Now I ask you: how does that honor God?

So where’s the line here? Where does caring for others, being generous with our lives, spending ourselves for God by serving others… when does that cross the line into being careless with our own lives, at the expense of our health, our families, our homes, our relationships with those closest to us? Where’s the line? Is it a clear-cut one, or a jagged one that moves all the time?

And conversely, when does caring for ourselves move into self-centeredness, and a self-focused me-ism life?

These are the questions that keep buzzing around in my head. I want answers, but God seems bent on keeping them hidden. Or am I just not seeing what’s plainly right in front of my face?

"You’re blessed when you get your inside world–your mind and heart–put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

"You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

"You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

"Not only that–count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens–give a cheer, even!-for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.