Some moments in life are kisses on the cheek from God. I had a weekend full of them. And it’s not Monday yet. How blessed I am.

I live on a roller-coaster of emotions. I try so very hard not to "live" in the place of sorrow. I try so hard to pull myself out of it every moment of the day. But the truth is, this is where I am. I dwell in a land of sorrows, of grief, of loss. I wish I could say I’m over all the things I’ve lost. It embarrasses me to know that I still struggle with this grief and depression… I feel so weak and…. immature in the faith. I wish with every fiber of my being I could say I’m past it all. But I cannot.

I keep discovering new things that were destroyed in the landslide of my life. It’s as if God has chosen this time of my life to completely remake me. And he started by demolishing all I was, all I had, all I thought was me.

I believe He is making a New Me. It is a matter of life or death for me — as long as I believe, there is still a spark of life in my spirit, but if I stop believing my spirit will die. So I believe with every ounce of strength I have. And then I cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief!"

My week was filled with such struggles. I tried to deny I was still in this dark place over the last few weeks. Events and situations, God and His provision all buoyed my spirit and aided my self-deception. But a few key events toppled my house of cards. By Wednesday I was exhausted, frustrated and unable to lie to myself any longer.

Last night I went to a Youth Evangelism Conference. I was so tired I really just wanted to stay home and sleep. But a new friend of mine was speaking and I wanted to go hear him and meet up with him for a bit afterward. It was a much longer drive than I anticipated. It seems all of Tennessee was going to this conference. There were over 10,000 people there — at least that’s my estimate, considering the place holds 10,000 and we were so maxed out they ran out of seating and had people sitting on the floor all over the place.

There was amazing worship. Mosaic kind of worship. You don’t get that very much here. Oh, you can get the music and the songs. Great music, great musicianship, great songs.  But not the Spirit. It’s the Spirit-led part that makes Mosaic worship so amazing and refreshing. This was Mosaic Spirit-led kind of worship, with Dave Hunt leading.

Little side note: Barney had given me Dave’s number and has encouraged me many times to get in touch with him. I was just too chicken to call…. you know, that whole "I’m a friend (well, okay, Barney’s my counselor, but also my friend… right?) of so-and-so and he recommended I call you…." Bleh. I’m so bad at that. And I hate doing it. I always feel I’m imposing on people.

I’m not sure all the reasons Barney wanted me to connect with Dave, but I know why God wanted me to. What an amazing worship leader! He reminded me of my friend David Files. David is a tremendously gifted worship leader. Dave Hunt is the same. He led us to the throne of God… over 10,000 of us a singing, dancing and lifting our hands to the Awesome Lover of our Souls.

I felt drenched in holy water. I felt so drenched! Soaked in His love, wrapped in His arms. So, so loved.

How do people live without this love? I don’t know how they do it. I would have killed myself by now. I could not live one single day without it. It calms my spirit when my world is crazy, brings peace to my soul even though the waters we travel are roaring rapids, and quiets the storms of my heart even though they rage out of control. My life didn’t change in that time of worship.  I’m still parent-less. I’m still job-less — permanently-speaking. I’m still at a loss as to why I’m here.

But my heart is full.

Tony’s speaking was amazing — more about that in a moment — and I got to witness God answer a prayer and begin a heart-transplant-life-transformation, even though it was from afar. I spoke to Tony for a moment afterward… and I connected up with Dave for a moment… I drove home not so much happy as content. Not content-for-all-time. Just content.

I got off at a different exit on the freeway than I was supposed to (still got home fine) and meandered through country roads for quite a while — and even that seemed to be a weird divine moment. A time for God to drench me again in His love as I drove and worshipped and talked with Him.

Today was a day of much-needed rest. I attempted to meet up with Tony again down in Murfreesboro, but I just didn’t head down there soon enough and missed him. I spent the afternoon driving through the country-side of Middle Tennessee, talking on the phone with Nina and shopping. All throughout the day I felt God’s kisses and embrace. Everything seemed to shout His praise and caress me with His love… The sun shining through my sun roof, the wind blowing my hair, the beauty of Tennessee, the heart-filling-spirit-refreshing conversation only a sister-best-friend can give….

Oh, how I am blessed.