I haven't been very good at posting lately, have I?
I'm struggling with all the things blowing around in my mind, heart, soul. It's difficult enough to wrap my mind around them all, but to try to put them into words; well, that's nearly impossible.
I feel stalled at the moment. Stalled in my schoolwork, stalled in my inner life, and stalled here on the blog. An incredible tiredness has overtaken me and I find myself napping a lot.
I've been doing this intense work for a long time on my soul, my spirit, my heart…. whatever you may want to call
that inner thing that determines our character, our point of view, our
convictions, makes up who we are — but that work got even more intense and laser focused about a year ago. I guess you can tell that a few months ago it really got difficult. So my life right now feels quite unsettled, confusing. I have a lot more questions than answers.
Yet I don't feel like I'm going in circles. At least not yet. I keep having dreams of driving up a steep hill fearful I'm not going to make it to the top —- and while I know sometimes dreams don't mean anything, this is a definite metaphor for how I'm feeling in my waking life. I am going up a steep hill emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and I'm afraid I won't make it to the top. But in the dream I always do, somehow, and that brings me hope for my waking soul. Some day I will make it; it's just a long, hard climb right now.
Part of why I've been silent here is because of all the questions and noise in my soul. I haven't been able to sort through my thoughts enough to put together a coherent post. But perhaps I'll try just posting the chaos and questions; perhaps that will help me sort through it all and find my way to the top of the hill.
So here's the first question: what do you do, how do you cope, when you seem to be perpetually exhausted no matter how much rest or sleep you get?
You know how they talk about the string theory that holds everything together? Well, I’ve spent the last two and a half months trying to connect the strings… I’ve felt like I was losing it… the coherence. I keep thinking about how church, the gospel, the environment, education, politics, people, war, life… how they’re all interconnected. And every time I try to put it into words, it just comes out feeling so random and crazy.
It’s probably not what you’re dealing with… but it’s what I am. And I’m losing sleep over it. I’m not sure how to help.
Yes and no…. part of, well actually MOST of the stuff swirling in my head and heart DO have to do with war, politics, people, life, the gospel, church, the world, history, the future, the present…. on and on… how it’s all interconnected, and all rather going crazy. And I’m also struggling with what my response to all of it is supposed to be… if that makes sense.
But it also has to do with surrendering everything to God, living one day at time, trusting Him with it all, righting the wrongs I’ve done…. coming face-to-face with myself, the bad AND the good. Oddly, the latter is harder to accept… but that’s a WHOLE other post in itself. š
I laid down this evening after work and promptly fell asleep for two hours. Never mind the fact that I have five chapters (over 140 pages) to read and two papers to write — which are actually late and due last week…. I was supposed to work on homework all weekend, but ended up sleeping or “laying around” and watching tv most of it. I just didn’t have any strength to do anything; or any ability to focus.
I think part of it is from some meds I’m currently taking. But sheesh! This is a bit ridiculous!
Anyway… it’s good to know another person is being driven a bit mad by all the stuff going on inside our heads. š Hope you get some sleep tonight!
Everyone so blithely talks about personal change. They make it sound so easy.
“Believe in yourself.”
“Let go and let God.”
“Just let it go.”
And on and on…
The first clue indicating that it’s hard work is seen in people’s lives: not many make substantive changes in their lives. Once you’re an adult the patterns are set and are hard to change. It’s no wonder the process is exhausting.
Yet there is truth to the idea of “Let go and let God.” The problem for me comes along behind that: If it’s God doing the living, then why should I care? I’ve been arguing this for some time now and haven’t reached a conclusion, which is very frustrating.
I know, to the depths of my soul, that God is good, and kind, and trustworthy. There is still some part of me that must be very scared, or something, and refuses to trust. I trusted more years ago before I knew anything. Now… it’s a struggle and I’m tired of it. Can’t there be something easy?
So, how do I handle it? I listen to music, try to sleep, read, and play Guild Wars. And pretty much ignore the world.