So [Jesus] replied to the messengers, "Go back and report to John what you
have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who
have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."
—Luke 7:22-23.

Is God enough? Is He enough for me regardless of what circumstances I find myself in, what tragedies befall me, what "fate" awaits me in the future?

I've been having panic attacks. Whether they are more physiological than emotional, I cannot say. I'm more prone to them than the average person — my autonomic nervous system is just a little out of whack, so that fight or flight instinct can kick into high gear for no reason. Add stress to the mix and its pretty much a sure bet it'll misfire. —-However, emotions could also be playing a role in this current round…. it's just too hard to tell at the moment.

The nights are the worst. That seems to be when every little terrible fear in my mind comes out to play, dancing in the firelight and casting huge shadows against the walls of my mind. They look like giants ready to swallow me. The later the hour gets, the more they dance, and the larger they look. And I become too terrified to sleep, I cannot focus on anything but their huge shadows dancing all around me. I once had a way to anesthetize myself so I didn't feel the fear of the shadows but I've let go of those old patterns and now must face the Night Monsters alone. It's hard. I'm a coward at heart; I'd rather run from what scares me than face it and shout it down.

God still comes to me when I cry out in fear, despite my struggle knowing who He really is right now. I still experience Him as I have so many times before; seeing/sensing Him — sitting beside me, loving on me, gently swiping His thumb over my forehead, kissing my cheek — and hearing His voice whispering His love to me. Yet I'm so afraid now that whatever I'm seeing and hearing is just my imagination, that I'm just making it up, that I struggle to let myself be comforted by Him. 

Isn't that crazy? I struggle to believe in the God I've been experiencing since a young child — the head-god I talked of earlier — yet I don't have any problem accepting the scary shadows on the wall as completely real. No doubts about nefarious shadows, huge doubts about a God who is so gentle and loving. Insanity.

Is God enough?

I love the story of John the Baptist from Luke 7 because John doubts too. This man, of whom Jesus later says, "I
tell you, among those born of women there is no one greater than
John…" (verse 28), this man who has been set apart by God, heard directly
from God all his adult life, and seen Jesus do miraculous things, doubts Jesus; doubts His identity as the Messiah, the rescuer of his people.

And Jesus doesn't get mad. He doesn't sigh heavily and dramatically
proclaim, 'oh ye of little faith.' Nor does He scold, or reprimand, or
rebuke, or cut off contact. He just answers John; he says, "Yep. I still am the One.
…. no, I'm not coming for you; I'm not rescuing you. And yes, I'm still the One."

I remember first being made aware of Jesus' response to John in Erwin's book, The Barbarian Way. Erwin's main point was that last sentence: "Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."  In Barbarian he points out
that God didn't rescue John from prison, or his fate: being beheaded by
Herod (Matthew 14:1-12). If God didn't rescue John, He may very well not rescue us from our own prisons — joblessness, poverty, homelessness, illness, paralysis, death… pick the struggle of your nightmares. He may not rescue you from it.

It is in that truth that my fears lie. It is also in that truth that lies grab hold of me and keep me trapped in that frightening cave with the dancing shadows.

Here's the thing:

I may not have bought the “Prosperity” Gospel hook, line, and
sinker, but I definitely took the bait and ran with it. I took the part
that says, “if you do _____, God will give you what you want,” bought it and built my life around it.

I don’t
want a big house, or the really fancy cars, I just want safety, and
security, and significance. And I have been chasing these dogs —
desperately trying to jump through all my heart-god’s unseen, unknown hoops in
the process — since I was very small. But God does not promise these things.

He doesn’t promise safety. He doesn’t promise security — except in the fact that we are His and no one can pluck us out of His hand — He doesn’t even promise us a life of significance. So far as I have found, I only see three things He promises us. (1) He will be with us always (Matt 28:20), and (2) we will receive mercy and (3) find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:15-16). Everything else is something we can hope for, but He may not choose to give them to us. We know we have Him. Beyond that, we have no idea.

But is God enough?

I have moments of clarity, moments of peace, moments spent wrapped in
unbelievably loving and gentle unseen arms, and in those moments, He is enough. But those powerful, amazing moments seem to be fleeting compared to the times the world comes crashing back in with all its proclamations of doom and what I must have to survive the bleak future ahead, and who I must be to be accepted, to be significant.

But there’s another point that Erwin had in Barbarian Way. It’s a point
I was reminded of today, through another person: God will still be with us in our prisons, in
our deserts, in our joblessness, homelessness, poverty, illness,
paralysis, death; in our nightmares God is still with us and He is still God. He will provide all we need to get through — strength, courage,
bread, encouragement… whatever we need in that moment, God’s grace
will provide so that we can get through it. Together. With God we live.

And, something else I learned today. For the first time I learned what it  means to “glorify God;” to truly bring glory to Him. It is in those nightmare times of our lives, as we cry out even in our pain that God is enough and we will still love Him, still believe in Him, it is in those times that He is most glorified. When we have nothing, when we are in great pain, when we are living our nightmares and yet are still willing to believe that He is enough, He is most glorified.

But is God enough for me?

Here’s the other thing. I’m selfish. I want what I want when I want it and how I want it. I want life on my terms; and I seem to think I know what’s best for me. When God doesn’t come through with what I think is best I decide He’s failed me – or I’ve failed Him so He’s chosen not to act; it’s that whole heart-god thing again… And ultimately I decide He’s not enough; I need more. I need God and…. something else. Pick your “something else.” I seem to pick something different every time. Probably because the last “something else” didn’t work, so I try a new one.

Eight years ago this very month, God asked me this same question: “Am I enough for you? If this is as good as it gets, if this is all there is to life, will you be satisfied with only Me?”

At that time I told Him He wasn’t and I couldn’t, but that I was willing to try; I was open to life with Him alone. “But,” I said, “our relationship has to be The Bomb, and I mean the Absolute Bomb — it has to rock the house! — or I will never survive.”

It seemed as if He heard — and maybe even smiled? — but He didn’t say anything more.

There have been quite a few times since that day that I’ve thought about that conversation, often realizing He has been continually reshaping our relationship, making it more and more The Bomb; deepening it, stretching it wider, growing it, transforming it…. Today was no exception. If my head god, the god of my experiences, really is the True God — and my dearest hope is that he is — than He really has been about proving He can be enough. ‘Cause our relationship rocks the house.

So why am I still so afraid of the dancing shadows on the wall?