Monthly Archives: December 2007

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Velocity, Attitude, Inclination

Happychristmassmnh
Where did the month go? I can’t believe it’s seven days (less than that, really) till Christmas. It seems time goes by faster and faster the older I get.

Sorry for the silence here.  I know some of you check almost daily and I really appreciate your faithfulness. I have so much to say, but I’ve been so busy with school and shopping and Christmas stuff that I haven’t had any time to write. But I thought I’d take a quick moment to just give an update.

First off, I’m still singing the Mind Algebraic —well, really it’s the Mind Mathematics/Quantitative Literacy. I’ve worked on basic mathematics concepts, algebra, trigonometry, critical thinking… right now I’m working on geometry, and in the next week or so I’ll start statistics. My frustration with it waxes and wanes with the level of complexity and difficulty — which is usually toward the end of the chapters. I am just not a naturally left-brained person. Though I am learning to adjust and think that way, ever so sllooooowly. The most exciting part has been realizing I really can do it. Trig is my favorite so far. I really like all the triangle puzzle stuff. I don’t know why you would want to know or care about all that, but it can be fun stuff to chew on…… ohmigosh, I didn’t just say that, did I?? I didn’t just say I’m actually enjoying a part of math! What is happening to me. It must be the Christmas season infecting me.

Speaking of, I stated in an earlier post that this is the first time in many years that I’veChristmasbaubles
actually been excited to celebrate Christmas and I realized recently I didn’t fully explain. I won’t go into great detail here, most of you know the hell I went through a few years back anyway. The holidays have been painful ever since. And, truthfully, my first (and only for a while) Christmas overseas was also difficult, but not as much so as the four years that followed. Those four years I didn’t decorate my home, didn’t get a Tree, even listening to Christmas music was painful — to say nothing of seeing the decorations, shopping for gifts in decked-out malls or unwittingly catching a holiday movie on television. I avoided them like the plague; "It’s a Wonderful Life" was the worst. Can you imagine trying to avoid seeing that during the Christmas season? Yeah, impossible. But it was just too painful to see people living out a happily-ever-after ending when I felt so completely that I would never have that.

I think the holidays are harder to survive for single people after the deaths of parents than it is for those who are married and have a family of their own. You really do feel like an orphan with no parents and no home to "go home" to; as well as feeling like a fifth-wheel at the family celebrations of siblings. Fortunately I have an amazing sister who welcomed me with open arms and made me feel not only welcome but truly wanted. I rarely feel like a fifth wheel there.

I think the break-through I had at Easter had ripple effects far wider than I thought. Because as the holidays approached this year I began to feel excitement instead of depression. And that has just grown and even exploded at times. I’m truly enjoying and savoring every moment of this Christmas season. It’s just been amazing. And I realized recently that I have emerged from this time of pain and sadness with a totally different perspective, and a new paradigm.

From Childhood on, Christmas for me was about the lights and the decorations, the Christmas programs (school and church) and caroling, the music, the family gatherings, the parties and the blustery chill of a Southern California December. I have a storehouse full of wonderful memories of this time of year. But it was mostly about the season; about the American version of Christmas rather than the deeper reality of what it is we are celebrating. Oh, I knew about Bethlehem and baby Jesus and all that. And it wasn’t that I didn’t acknowledge that or spend time meditating and thanking God for His gift. I did, but never on such a profound level.

This year I connected with that Truth, that reality of who Jesus is and the sacrifice He Nativitystarsmmade for me, on a profoundly deep and intimate level and it has radically changed who I am and how I see life. Christmas for me now is about celebrating the birth of the most
amazing Gift God ever gave me; the gift of Abundant Life in Jesus. The rest of it — lights, music, movies, smells, etc — is just delicious icing. I am humbled beyond words that He, the Almighty, Most Holy, One True Living God would love me so much that He would willingly lay aside all His glory and majesty and become a little helpless human baby, and subject Himself to all the pain and crap we humans put upon each other. He didn’t have to do that. He is the Creator of the universe; He could have created a different way of salvation. But He didn’t. He chose the hard way. And we get to give each other gifts, race with other mall patrons for parking spaces, and fight with other shoppers for that last Nintendo Wii all because of His all-consuming love for us. I am in awe at the unfailing, unending generosity and grace of God.

I am so blessed. I have so much in the way of physical and monetary provision that many around the world do not have. But even if God allows all of that to be taken from me, I will still be incredibly blessed. I know Love and Abundant Life — I dwell within them! I wake every morning to my Redeemer, my Beloved singing to me and I fall asleep every night to His whispers of His love, protection and grace. I have been forgiven for things I never thought were forgivable and I have found my meaning and purpose in simply living everyBlessedsmnh moment intimately connected to God.

This is what I celebrate this Christmas. This is what compels me to gift a gift, to decorate
my home and my cube at work, to sing Christmas songs, drive around the mall till a parking spot opens up, and watch endless rounds of "It’s a Wonderful Life" and cry with sympathetic pain, and abiding joy every single time. God is good. God. Is. Good. And I am blessed beyond measure!

Happy Christmas everyone. May your Christmas be filled with the most profound Joy and abiding Peace you have every known. And may you see Jesus in a new, more intimate way.

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I Sing the Mind Alebraic

Img231_2 What in the heck is a quadratic, and why in the world should I care how to solve it? When am I, a non-scientist, non-economist, non-engineer, ever going to need this stuff?? And why doesn’t the answer make sense to me even when by sheer dumb luck I happen to stumble upon it?

These are the questions I am pondering at the moment.

That is, when I’m not screaming computative obscenities ("you quadratic, trinomial, conflicting, squared, factoring—-special product!!") or throwing wads of paper across the room because, once again, I did everything the book and homework helps tell me to do and I still did not get the answer they want. I just do not get this stuff.

I think you have to have a special kind of brain to process math. And God didn’t give me that kind. And I’m about to go insane trying to make myself think like a math-brained person. It just ain’t right.

I told my academic mentor in an email last night that I’m a math virgin — and Algebra1_3 if I could have my way I’d stay that way (I did not tell her that last part!). The most math I’ve had was year of algebra and a semester of geometry in high school. And we don’t talk about how long ago high school was. It frightens people (namely me). Anyway, the class I’m taking would be great for review for the experienced math addict. But for me, the not-math-brained Math Virgin, trying to shove the basics of algebra, geometry, trig and stats into my brain by January 23rd just may prove to be impossible.

Oh, and now I’m even dreaming about math. This morning I woke up literally trying to solve a quadratic problem by using the FOIL method — and I can’t even remember what FOIL stands for. Lord have mercy on my soul brain!

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Where’s Baby Jesus – Year Two

Last year around this time I wrote a post about my realization that in all my stress and holiday blues I’d lost Baby Jesus. My realization came flooding back to me Friday evening as I did a little shopping for Christmas decorations. But this time it wasn’t just about my own condition, but the condition of the world I see all around me.

It all started with my boss, who threw down the Christmas decorating gauntlet at work this week by decking his office in much garland, lights and baubles. I’m not normally competitive (yeah, right) but, frankly, my pride was wounded by his early, and classy, display, as I always fancied myself a top-notch, early bird, Christmas bedecker. I’m not early to anything except Christmas; I used to arrive sometime in July and just (im)patiently waited for November to show up so I could officially be Christmas-y. The last four years I haven’t had any desire to do such things; depression has that affect on me. This is the first year in a long time that I’ve even felt like participating in the holiday festivities. It’s progress I’m excited about, frankly. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Consequently, most of my Christmas decorations have sat idle in the attic or the closet for the last couple of years. I’m not even sure what condition they are in (note the present tense of that… more on that later) or if they are even usable. Hence my shopping trips on Friday evening. Sometimes it’s easier to just buy new strands of lights and new decorations than to patch up the old stuff.

As I shopped I noticed an appalling lack of nativity scenes, or even of baby Jesuses (is that word, Jesuses??). I found myself wondering more and more passionately as time passed, "where is Baby Jesus?" I was starting to get alarmed, when I remembered where I was: Target. While it once seemed "Christian-friendly" (at least in the LA area), it never has been the mecca of Christ-centric decor (if you’ll pardon the cross-religion references). So I quickly wrapped up my shopping at the Big Red Dot and headed for a place I was sure would have Baby Jesus front and center: LifeWay.

I was sadly disappointed. While there were references to Jesus and lambs and angels all over the place, I saw very few classy, non tchotchke-ish nativity scenes and only one that was worth considering, but not at its ridiculous price. Most of the Christmas decorations I saw were variations on the Santa theme, a Jesus/Christmas=the Cross theme or angels. And most were even cheaper looking than the stuff I saw at Target. I left LifeWay with only a Christmas cd (Avalon’s "Joy") and a paperback copy of The Ragamuffin Gospel; no ornaments for the tree or nativity scenes for mantle (not that I have a mantle; it just sounded better than "shelf" or something…).

What have we done? Have we, the Church, become so Americanized in our celebration of Christmas that even our own specialty stores don’t bother to display decorations with little more meaning and aestheticism than that of our cheapest secular (non)competitor? What happened to the Church setting the standard for beauty, art and taste?

And what about Baby Jesus? He seems to have gotten lost amid the Veggie Tales, Precious Moments, Willow Tree, and angel figurines. Instead of creating great art that inspires as it depicts the birth of our Savior, we’ve followed behind the World’s cheap Santa and Father Christmas tchotchkes and created our own brand of cheap, Christmas knock-offs. Meanwhile, Jesus is lost in the maze, even as we blare "He is the Reason for the Season" from every church sign, Christmas card and holiday song we can. It’s amazing. We can shove Jesus in the face of every non-Christian in our lives, and have His name plastered over every inch of every bauble and garland we hang, yet cannot see how empty the manger is in our own celebration of His birth, in our own heart.

Glen Beck has been shouting "doomsday is coming!" (or at least the perfect storm for doomsday is coming) for many months now and it occurred to me as I stood forehead high in LifeWay Christmas schlock that perhaps that is exactly what the American arm of Jesus’ Church needs: a shake down of doomsday proportions to wake us up to the fact that we’ve been playing church instead being His Church. At least maybe it would be good for me. Perhaps it would finally knock me off my Americanized butt and back to the Truth of what it is to be a follower of Christ, sitting both at the foot of the cross and at the side of a manger, marveling at the Grace, Love and Courage of God that brought about my Redemption; and bringing everything in my heart to Him as a gift. No matter how ugly it seems to me.

Where is Baby Jesus for you? Is He in the manger, patiently waiting for you to come give Him a gift out of who you are — even if all you have to give is anger, loneliness or depression? Or is He perhaps missing from the manger altogether; lost amid the glitter, garland and Santas that fill up your holiday season?

I pray this season we all rediscover the Babe in the manger and encounter Him as we never have before.

Come and behold Him
Born the King of Angels

O Come let  us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
Christ, our Lord

For He alone is worthy
For He alone is worthy
For He alone is worthy
Christ, our Lord