My good friend and co-worker left our office for the last time early today. She’s off to a new adventure in Atlanta. She made our office a bright and happy place for me to go; she was my ally in an office environment that can leave a girl feeling quite on the outside. I will miss her greatly.

For some reason today a particular piece of music from "A Knight’s Tale" kept coming to my mind. One strain of the melody, a particularly powerful trumpet line, kept reverberating in my head. It is the herald of the battle; of good versus evil. The possibility of triumph or tragedy. The bad guy cheats and injures our hero, William. But good and virtue win out in the end and William the thatcher’s son proves he really is Sir William the Knight.

At first I couldn’t understand why this music was in my head, and persistently so even though I haven’t watched the movie in months. The thing is, music is an integral part of who I am and how I think, how I remember moments in time and lessons learned. I think I’m just wired this way, to have a "soundtrack of my life" always playing in the background, recording lyrics, music and music cues from movies as they impact me and pulling them back up when I need to remember that lesson. So I knew this must be coming back to my mind for a reason. I just couldn’t think what.

After watching the final scene of "A Knight’s Tale" tonight, and crying all the way through (I am such a mess right now!) I realized what it is. The truth of the theme of this movie, that "one man — one woman — can change her stars," as well as the heroic measures William uses to change his.

But before I get to that, let me back up share with you a minor epiphany I had earlier in the day. Because I don’t own the soundtrack to "A Knight’s Tale," and I wasn’t going to buy the song on my iTunes at work, I thought I’d bury myself in some of the more melancholy music I did have in my iPod. I was, after all, feeling quite gloomy and sad with my friend’s departure. However, as I looked through my song choices, I had this powerful realization:

I need to stop being so morose about loss and learn to celebrate life even in my pain/grief.

Here’s the thing: For far too long in my life I have either denied the
pain of grief or wallowed in it. I have rarely used it to
catalyze me, to propel me into a new phase of life. I don’t say I’ve never done this, because I think I did use mom and dad’s deaths as catalysts to launch me into this new life, this Living the Dream Abundant Life I have now. And I’m sure I’ve done the same with some of the grief I faced as a child. It’s the smaller pains, the loss of a friend at work or a lost job opportunity that seems get me stuck in a huge mud puddle with a bunch of pigs.

I don’t want to
live this way anymore. I don’t want to wallow in my pain. I want to celebrate the friendships I have while also
grieving the loss of their close proximity; to grieve the lost opportunities and at the same time celebrate the advances I’m making in my education and the investment in my future. I want to stop being
an either/or person and start being a both/and one (Barney, it wasn’t
planned, but that one’s for you!).

But here’s the other thing: I have a tendency to believe that everyone but ME can change their stars; that I’m stuck with the ones I was born with. Or at least that’s the way I live, even if I say otherwise with my lips. But what I apprehended tonight is that I really can change my stars. Me. The youngest of the Everetts. The last in everything. I can trade in my either/or life for a both/and life. I can change my stars. But it’s going to cost me something. And maybe its time I paid that price.

The hero of "A Knight’s Tale" is William, a thatcher’s son, who takes on the
persona/identity of a knight when the knight to whom he was squire
suddenly dies. Eventually his ruse is discovered and he is imprisoned. But not before winning pretty much every jousting competition he enters, as well as the hearts of not only the public but also
Prince Edward, who sees William’s character, his valor, honesty,
integrity and graciousness and recognizes the heart of a knight. The prince frees William and knights him Sir William just in time for the final
jousting competition where William faces his arch rival, Count Adhemar.
After struggling through a second round with his injury from Count
Adhemar’s cheating in the first, William  strips off his armor, which
while offering protection, is so bent up that it restricts his breathing. His injury makes it impossible for William to properly hold his lance, so he has it strapped to his arm so he won’t drop it. He
will either suffer major pain and die in this last joust, or he will
enjoy an unprecedented victory. He patiently waits as Adhemar charges,
finally charging himself at the last second. As William closes in and strikes Adhemar, he shouts,
"Williiiiam!" his own name, which up till now he hadn’t used because he
was just a thatcher’s son. Now a knight, he can be who he always was. He unhorses Adhemar, soundly defeating him
and forever changing his stars.

Did you see it? William had to strip of the very armor that was meant to protect him and strap his lance to his arm so there was no chance of dropping it. It was a unhorse-or-be-killed-moment and William wasn’t leaving himself any outs; any last minute exit strategy.

I have worn an armor over my heart most of my life. Yet, just like William, I still end up injured. I’m not saying I should not ever guard my heart, but you know, I think that armor is, right now, keeping me from changing my stars. I think it’s time to lose it, at least for this particular joust, strap my lance to my arm so there’s no chance to drop it and charge into my future, my both/and life, shouting the name my Father gave me.

———–
This first video shows the final joust. The trumpet calls you hear are the ones that echoed in my head all day today. This first one ends just before William charges. The second one picks right up at his charge and flows through the credits. There is a "reward" for those who watch till the end of the credits (or fast forward to the end). 🙂 I love this movie!