I just spent four fun joy-filled days with Family. Despite the stress of getting through a blended-family outdoor wedding on a cold and rainy night, we had an awesome time together. I saw a niece I hadn’t seen in nearly ten years along with her two sons, my brother whom I hadn’t seen in four years, and got a surprise visit from a nephew I hadn’t seen in three years.

We laughed till our sides hurt, got loud and playfully obnoxious as we played our favorite family game of Nerts, had some serious talks, and just enjoyed being in each other’s presence. I had a fabulous time, even though my sister’s home was overflowing with family, and a little drama.

It wouldn’t feel right, would it, to not have a little drama at a family gathering; someone upset/hurt/angry at someone else for God-only-knows-what-reason. Sadly, I’m usually in the middle of the mess. If I’m not the offended one or the offender, then I’m trying to help "resolve" the issue by taking offense for the one and taking action against the other. I never helped matters any, just got myself all tied up in knots emotionally.

Thankfully, I stayed out of the drama this weekend. I did start to try to "fix" a particular injustice before I realized that it was not my job and backed off quickly. It was hard to do at first — our family is very good at meddling in each others lives (boundaries again)! It’s a hard habit to break but I did it. I kept out of the middle and just let the dramas play out. It’s amazing how quickly stress dissipates when you realize you aren’t responsible for fixing the world and keeping it happy.

I don’t think my mom ever learned that. She was the one at every family gathering who constantly focused on the comfort and happiness of everyone else. If you didn’t have food or drink or a smile on your face, she felt she’d failed in her duty as hostess and mom, as if she was responsible for the happiness of the world. Or at least the world around her.

I’m a lot like that. I want to make sure everyone has whatever it is they need to be happy, relaxed and content. Trouble is, I can only provide so much. I can get them something to drink, bring extra cookies when I get myself one or give up my seat so another doesn’t have to sit on the floor. But I cannot change the heart of a petty, lonely bio-mom jealous of her daughter’s step-mom and make her follow proper wedding protocol, even if the slighted step-mom is my sister. Nor can I make a 19-year-old husband grow up or a pregnant 20-year-old’s life less of a hormonal roller-coaster. And I cannot save my niece’s marriage any more than I could save my mom from dementia.

My mom never learned that, so she spent her life – until dementia claimed her mind – desperately trying to make everyone happy. If even one person wasn’t happy, she wasn’t happy. The thing is, she didn’t have to do anything. Her personality and spirit brought joy and sunlight to people the moment she walked in a room. Her husband of 61 years, family and all her friends would readily attest to that. Yet till the day she could no longer remember, she was desperate to make everyone around her happy.

I’m like my mom in many ways, so perhaps it was only natural that I would pick up on her desire to please everyone, keep everyone happy and at peace with each other. As a young adult I used to get so frustrated with her. "Mom, just sit down and enjoy your dinner! We’re all fine! And if we need something we can get it ourselves." I swore to myself I would never be like that with my own family. But this weekend I realized she left a gap in our family. So many people coming and going with so many things on their minds, no one was really watching out for the rest. Don’t get me wrong. We aren’t a bunch of self-absorbed jerks (well, not always), but we don’t always think about everyone else either. So before I could even think about what I was doing, I stepped in and filled mom’s old role. I constantly heard my mother’s voice coming out of my mouth: "Do you need something to drink?" "Can I get you something to eat?" "You want to sit down?" It was really weird when I realized what I was doing, like standing outside myself and watching it all happen. But I think I was able to take the good stuff of my mom’s servant heart, and leave behind the need to please everyone and keep the peace. At least I hope so.

word count: 816 – 316 over my goal….