I don’t think I get it yet. I don’t think I’ve connected yet with what this whole Abundant Life thing is all about.
I keep getting confused. I keep thinking it’s all about doing something. Whether its great or small doesn’t matter. Its just about doing something. But that doesn’t seem to be God’s intention for me.
Oh, I’m doing stuff. I’ve been so buried in school work lately that I’ve barely had time to think. And I’ve also got work and church stuff and friends…
I’m talking about the Big Mission Thing; that big Purpose for living thing that most people seem to have (or is that just my imagination?). You know, that thing that grabs you and holds you in its grip and says, "you must see me through to the end. Only you can do it!" with so much intensity that you cannot refuse. I hear people talk about it all the time. About how this one thing took hold of them and they had-had-had to see it done. Or how they’ve dreamed about a particular thing all their lives and just couldn’t rest until they’d accomplished that.
I have no such cause, no such dreams, no such… anything. I’ve always wanted one. Just one, I’m not selfish. I don’t need a bunch. I just wanted one powerful, compelling all-consuming Mission to overtake me and drive me down a path of radical change for the world around me. But I never got it, never had it. Not even one.
I just have life. And God. And that’s it.
He keeps asking me why that’s not enough. Why He’s not enough for me.
I don’t have an answer. At least not one that makes sense. I mean, how do you tell the God of all creation, the Alpha and Omega, the God who’s so compassionate and gracious that He gave His own life so that I could live without condemnation, how do you tell Him that He’s not enough?
That’s why I say I don’t think I get it yet. God seems to want me to just Be, to just rest in Him and be who He’s transforming me into, while everything in me screams that I must Do; that doing is the only thing that makes life worth living. "Without the doing, what’s the point??? I can ‘Be’ in heaven. Why leave me here??"
God doesn’t answer that question, except to say, "for My good pleasure."
Great. I’m some chew-toy for God? That’s nice.
For those of you newbies just stopping in, this may seem disrespectful. I assure you, I have the greatest respect for God. I once heard Beth Moore describe agape love as "high regard or esteem". That’s an over-simplified paraphrase of her 45-minutes on the subject, but it serves my purpose here. I do hold God in the highest regard/esteem. He is my life. He is my Beloved. He is all I have.
Perhaps that’s part of my struggle. It scares me out of my mind to put all my hope and trust in one place. Its not…. it’s not "safe".
But I’m not meaning disrespect with my chew-toy comment. I’m just pissed off that God won’t give me what I ask for. And God seems to know that I will eventually come back and sit with Him, ready to talk about it again.
This is an on-going battle I have with God, this need for Purpose beyond just "Being". And I suppose, like Jonah, I’ll be stuck in this particular whale belly until I can truly surrender to it. I’m trying. This weekend I again wrestled with God over it all, with neither of us giving an inch. I’m just not ready to surrender yet to something that makes no sense to me at all. I just don’t get it yet.
I DO know what you mean and thank you for writing it so succinctly…..
I also know what you mean, but I figure the big plans will take care of themselves. Historically I’ve been a lousy long-term planner; I play a mean end-game of chess but by that time the conclusion is in no doubt.
“God’s chew-toy.” This image has stayed in my mind… God sort of lounging in front of the fireplace, mumbling over an old and much-chewed favorite. It also reminds me of a comment I made to God back when he gave me the relight: “I don’t care if you put me at the lowest seat of the lowest table at the feast. Better there than anywhere else I’m likely to end up if left to myself.”
Can you learn to enjoy being a chew-toy? If it were anyone else but God I’d rebel, but … his ways are different.
What a terrific post. It’s hard to compare any two people’s faith, and I don’t want to insult you or anyone else by claiming to know what you’re feeling, but there was a lot about your post that rang true to my own faith.
Better is one day in his court than a thousand elsewhere… I think you just unpacked that verse for me. Thanks for sharing and helping to examine some stuff that I’m internalizing to the forefront.
Larry – It’s so typical of you to take something I view as a negative and turn it into a positive. Its one of the things I miss about you and our Life Group. You again give me something to think about. Thanks, man.
John – Thanks for stopping in, and no insult was given or taken. I’m beginning to get the idea that a lot more people struggle with this issue than I thought. Thanks for the encouragement of our journey together.
Wonderdawg — Miss seeing you around here! Come by more often. — And thanks for the scripture reference. I hadn’t even thought about it till you said it. Dang, but it is true. Even in the midst of my struggling, it is true.
“He is all I have.”
I think I’m insulted. No, I know I’m insulted. :'(
Lu, God may be the most important part of your life, but He is not the only part of your life. What about the rest of us? What about your family (warts and all)? Huh?
“I’m just pissed off that God won’t give me what I ask for.”
::tapping fingers on desktop:: Ahem, Lu, since when did *ANYONE* give you what you asked for? Didn’t you have to fight – even if only in a slight sparring way – to obtain the jobs you’ve wanted over the years? What about your homes? Were those just given to you without some kind of discussion? What about our friendship? Has that been simple and easy and without quarrelling? Hmmmm???
See, if you truly want God to give you what you want, you need to first be able to verbalize (or think) exactly what it is you want. No whimpy, “I want a husband and family.” That won’t do for God. He needs more than that from you because He can see inside of you and knows that your requirements aren’t that simple, so why should He respond to that request when He knows it’s not what you really want and that you’ll only come back asking for something more, more specific, more detailed. So ask for that to begin with … when you figure it out. And I know you figured it out, but you’re afraid to ask for it because you’re afraid that God won’t give it to you.
Sounds to me like you’re not God’s chew-toy, but His puppy that won’t give up the chew-toy even though there’s a tasty bone sitting two feet away because you’re afraid that if you let go of the chew-toy you’ll end up with nothing, instead of the prize: the tasty bone. I see you sitting there on the floor at His feet holding the soggy toy in your jaws trying desperately to get the bone closer to you, but unable to lift it without letting go of the toy. So instead of enjoying either the toy or the bone, you fuss about them both and wonder why you’re not enjoying yourself.
Give yourself up to God, Lu. He’s there waiting for you to trust Him completely and wholeheartedly. I know you trust him, but you’ve also reserved a good portion of yourself and your heart away for fear that God will hurt you or reject you or punish you for being human. God won’t. God loves you, warts and all. As long as you do your best to be a good person, that won’t change, even if you screw up from time to time. I know it’s tough for you to trust anyone implicitly, but this is one guy you *need* to trust. He’s not going anywhere and if *I* can see that, maybe you can too. 😉