Sometimes I wish I could take back something I said; a joke that didn’t go over, a flippant comment that hurt a friend, a rant made in anger laced with mean words I didn’t really mean, I just wanted someone to hurt as much as I did.

And then there are those times I say things that clearly reveal the selfishness, the self-centeredness, of my own heart. Being a self-centered creature, those are the ones that haunt me the longest, and the ones I wish I could most take back. I hate when I expose the darkness in me. I can get forgiveness, and absolution (if Southern Baptists actually qualify for that sort of thing), from others for all the other regrettable comments, and put them behind me. But I cannot seem to grant myself forgiveness for exposing the ugly truth of my own heart.

I will regret this day for some time to come. I was doing so well too; leaving a good impression, always important when making a new friend. Then something pushed my own desperate need to the front of my mind, pressing it against that part of my brain that queues up the next mouthful of conversation. No, I thought. I cannot say that. It reveals too much. But something pushed it to the front of the line — I thought it was God, but now I’m not at all convinced it was — and before I knew what was happening, my own selfish need was pouring out of my mouth like water from a fire hydrant, and that was that. Good impression gone, replaced by harsh reality.

God, I’m so sick of myself. I am so sick of the self-focus that has so dominated my life the last three years.  I need to become someone else.

Driving home tonight, I took a hard look at myself. It wasn’t pretty. At least I didn’t think so. There was a time when I thought more of others’ needs than my own, more of others’ hurts than my own; when my conversations with God were more about Him blessing others than of healing me.

I realize that there was a lot of co-dependency in those conversations. My happiness and sense of value was directly tied to the happiness and well-being of those around me, especially those closest to my heart. So my prayers for them and focus on them was actually selfishly motivated. The last two years of digging through my past and honestly facing my own brokenness taught me this.  But I had to wonder tonight, am I any better a person for all my knowledge? Yes, now I know my own feelings, I’ve learned to feel them instead of run from them, and to acknowledge them instead of burying them in the deepest crevasses of my heart.  That is a good thing.  But, dang, Lu, when are you going stop crying about yourself all the time and start crying over the pain of others again? When are you going to spend more time talking to God about something other than your own brokenness? Isn’t that the point of all this intense digging into your soul, and all the counseling you’ve been getting, to become someone secure enough in her own identity in Christ that you don’t need to constantly focus on yourself? When does it shift from staring at your own navel to seeing the world around you?

Aaaauuugggh! I’m so frustrated with myself. I know what is right, what I ought to do — what I want to do. But I don’t do it. Its the things I don’t want to do, the person I don’t want to be—that, I do and so, so very naturally. Aaauugghhh!

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time…. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. — Romans 7:17-25, The Message