There is a stage in the grief process when anger finally pushes to the surface and fills the soul for a time with hot coals of raw emotion, of rage. Sometimes that rage doesn’t make a bit of sense. Sometimes it shoots blindly at whomever or whatever is closest. But sometimes it is laser-focused on a particular thing, or person.

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

We don’t just grieve when someone dies. We grieve when dreams die, when relationships don’t work out, when jobs aren’t what we thought they would be, when careers are not what the college recruiter promised.

We also grieve as we grow in our discovery of ourselves.

I’ve been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning them again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

When you discover that much of the view of you, of yourself, that you built your life around is actually a lie from the enemy of your soul; when you finally connect the dots of your life and see how the arrows of childhood hurts have shaped your behavior, your willingness to be treated in unkind, abusive ways and your choices in relationships; how those lies fed an insecurity that kept you clinging to whatever measure of power or control, or both, you could grasp, there is a firestorm that sweeps over you, an anger that must find a release.

You can try to stem the tide. You can try to stuff the emotion. You can try. But whatever ever method you choose, it will ultimately fail. Like the little boy with his finger in the dike, it is too little, too late. The dam is broken and its just a matter of time before the anger spills forth and floods every valley of your life.

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn’t keep us warm 

There is a slow burning fire growing within me. Embers of anger fanning into raging flames as I begin to realize the lies I believed and the person I allowed those lies to shape me into. I feel it rising inside me, filling up all my insides and spilling over my spirit and into the world. It comes out in inappropriate ways — cussing out the drivers in front of me who drive too slowly, muttering curses at my computer and my office’s Internet slowness when neither move as fast as I declare they should. I know there are better ways, more productive ways to release this anger, but I have yet to have success in using them.

In truth, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the fire inside. I haven’t touched the fullness of it yet, but I know it burns hot. And it will rage out of control soon.

Yet even in the midst of all this discovery and fire, there is a Truth that shines brightly even in the daylight. Truth that brings release, like buckets of cool rain. I am free.

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore 

The chains of desperate need for power, for control, they no longer hold me captive. The need to make sure everyone believes as I do, that everyone follows the rules I deem most important, don’t exist anymore. I look at my life and I can see the legalism I lived under. I can see the legalism I enforced upon others. And I see if for the legalism it is, not the “concern” or “passion” I once believed it was.

When hurts come, when the arrows of Life pierce our hearts, our automatic reaction is to close ranks and protect ourselves. Legalism is the best protector of all. It creates a nearly impenetrable wall that none can scale. It sets the bar so high than no one can ever measure up. And if no one can measure up, no one can hurt us with unmet expectations or unexpected rejection. It gives an illusion of power and control over the undefeatable and uncontrollable.

All the people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside

There are so many in the world right now who long to keep me trapped in legalism, especially in their own particular brand of legalism. They say I cannot do certain things, because I am a woman. They say that I cannot practice certain things, because they do not interpret the Bible that way, and they know these things better than I, they say. They say I cannot believe certain things, because God showed them my beliefs are in error.

For a moment I raged. Fire burned inside my spirit and smoke poured from my heart.

And then the chains fell to the floor. I saw the legalism for what it really was, a defense, to keep out the Grace of God.

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore 

Grace says it matters not who’s right. Grace says I don’t need to be in control. Grace says it doesn’t matter who appears to have the power. Grace says I am forgiven. Grace says I am redeemed. Grace says that God has the power; God has the control. Grace says God defines me; and God defines my ministry.

Grace even says that God is patient; agonizingly patient. He allows the power hungry, the control obsessed, the legalistic, the pharisees of our day to continue down our self-made paths of destruction because He loves us. He loves us enough to give us as much time as we need to, well, to get a clue that we’re in over our heads. He is slow to anger, and quick to forgive because He loves even the power-hungry souls, so much so He does not want them to suffer punishment at His hand.

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don’t love me anymore

Grace says I’m forgiven. When I accept God’s Grace, His forgiveness of my own desperate game of power and control washes over me and my chains of legalism fall powerless to the floor. Grace stands in opposition to the legalism I see all around. And Grace calls me, longs for me, begs me, to forgive. Forgive, as I have been forgiven. Others can try with all their might to bind me in their chains, but they will fail. For I am free. Grace has freed me. Freed me to give Grace. And I pray Grace will one day set them free.

There is much power in forgiveness. It is the power of Life.

“Heart of the Matter” by Don Henley, performed by India.Arie
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