I’m sitting in the dark. Nothing but the light of my laptop illuminating the room. And the occasional flash of distance headlights. Snow is lightly falling outside my window. Sometimes I can catch a glimpse of a flake or two as light dances in their crystalline bodies.
Do I trust God to provide? Do I really trust him to come through when I need it?
I dance around this issue every day, living on auto pilot, self-medicating with food and TV, filling my mind with mindless stuff to drown out the cries of my soul.
The raw truth is there are things I want. There’s a way I want to live, a standard which I decided long ago is what I "deserve", or at the very least desire. But daily I am reminded that in a flash of light, in the blink of an eye all of it could be easily wiped out, taken from me never to be attained again. Never to be mine ever.
This is the vision my soul claims is my rightful provision from God.
But the Spirit in me whispers that nothing could be further from the truth. It is the Reality Check within that wars with my soul, my humanity-spirit, that wars with itself longing both for the physical and the spiritual. The material and the ethereal.
I know in my head that God never promised to provide me with a great place to live and a cool car, a cool job and a bright American-dream future. But I just can’t seem to ever transfer it to my heart. My soul cries out for… something to fulfill it and my heart hands it a ready-made American Dream package, complete with Honda hybrid, home ownership of my own log cabin on lots of acreage and a solid, secure-till-death employment deal.
Faced with the realities of the Abundant Life I know I will be lucky indeed if I ever grasp hold of one of those things. The whole package? Well, it’s called the American Dream for a reason.
Is this the lie that Satan uses to trap me in my own mire of fear and regret? I think it is. And its effective. Very effective.
Tonight I flew right into the heart of his spiderweb of lies. A documentary program on rising poverty in America caught my attention and soon I was stuck and the more I struggled, the stickier the lies, and more stuck, I became. I am such a product of post WWII American greed. I want so much. Oh, I want so much! And I don’t want to have to work for it. I think I deserve a good living and a good car and a good home of my own. I think I deserve a cheap education and inexpensive health care and retirement benefits at 65.
And if I’m not going to get them, then I don’t want to live.
That’s my own version of a spiritual tantrum.
What a spoiled child I am.
If its true that I have been put here to bless others, to just be who God made me and shine out the God-reflection in me so everyone around me can see Him, can get a different sort of glimpse of who He is… then what does it matter what I have or don’t have? When it comes down to it, what does it matter, really?
The real question isn’t, do I believe God will provide? The real question is: will it be enough for me? Will I choose to be content whatever is taken from me and however God chooses to provide my needs? Will I pay the price it costs to follow, or will I choose to fly into the web of lies day after day after day?
I tried to put links in here to some other stories, but I’m not allowed to do it. So, go over to Last Exit and get the links there. I’ve copied this comment there.
We are all caught in webs of lies. Some of them even look holy, but everyone has their own version of the American Dream. It takes time for God to lead us out of that confusing wilderness, and only his Spirit shines enough light to show us the path. There are many, many paths, all of them easier than the real one. They even look almost the same. Only a heart sensitized to God’s guiding can tell the difference.
So, you’re trying to live a life sensitized to God, in world that has no use for sensitivity. It’s no wonder you hurt all the time.
My version of the American Dream is to, basically, go live under a rock someplace. Far away from the noise and sharp edges of the city. I hate this place, hate interacting with its crowds, hate the stink and the hassles. So, I expect God to push me to the opposite. This is another idea that Christians have propounded for years: only if it’s painful is life any good.
I think that’s a lie, too. I think what we need to do, every day, is ask God to help us find the truth. What is my real dream? What is yours? What is God’s real dream for you? Not the dream the church would have you believe, and not the dream you’ve picked up over the years, but the real and true dream that God wants you to live. It won’t be easy to find.
The difficulty has nothing to do with God being vindictive, or wanting to cause pain. That’s another human conceit. Pain comes from change. The deeper the change, the more it hurts. We are all so fragile that we wrap ourselves around with protections and then cry every time the protections break down.
We’re taught a very intellectual kind of religion. God will do this if we do that. The step-by-step way to being a follower of Jesus. Even the so-called “Mystic Nation” doesn’t get it, being believers in words just as the churches are. We need, desperately, to let God into our deep hearts. He could do incredible, irreparable damage in there, and of course we don’t want him in because he’s portrayed as a very bitter old man who wants his way NOW!
If that were true… we’d all be dead right now. God is stern. He is Right and Truth made manifest in the world. His standard is perfection. The imperfect, even just a slight spot, cannot endure a microsecond in his presence. He is Himself, unchanging, holy. He also… tenderly sought out the one lost sheep and his Son was sacrificed so that that sheep could be brought back. Jesus becomes our Word of Truth and our shield before God, transmuting God’s wrath to a love that includes us in his dream.
How is it that in 2000 years of Christian history the only enduring popular image of God is that of the vengeful curmudgeon? How is it that followers of Jesus still carry the same image around with them, with the assumption that anything good in life is bad? I think it’s an artificial hair-shirt philosophy: if I sit out here in the desert and eat locusts, God will love me more. Better yet, I’ll make a whip and bloody my back at Easter time so that God will know I’m with him. Why is it that God’s gentleness, as demonstrated by everything from evanescent tendrils of cloud in a valley, to a snowflake reflecting headlights, to the comforting hand of the Holy Spirit at 3:00 AM, is disregarded as being beneath the notice of a serious Christian?
We pave our world with concrete, and then act surprised when the Holy Spirit keeps sending little blades of grass up through the cracks. Truth is in the grass, not the concrete. I believe God is quite capable of guiding us where we need to go. We don’t need to help him by becoming anti-dream and anti-comfort. The truth is that the American Dream brings no happiness by itself. A life with God isn’t happiness all the time, but it is a relationship that feels real in the ways that count to the deepest heart. You think I understand this? No, I don’t. I’m going by feel. Intellect is a very cold guide to God’s heart.
God expects tantrums. He knows us. Tantrums end. Life goes on, and this is how we learn. An ounce of experience is worth a truckload of intellectual theorizing. And at any one time, life is bound to be out of balance: intellect, heart, experience, teaching. We’re small and weak. We move back and forth on God’s broad path, thinking that the part we see at the moment is the whole thing. It may be stones and ice now, but that’s for a purpose. God is a good guide, and the Holy Spirit knows where he’s going.
I love you, Larry. You are such a good brother to me.
Together, Lu. You and I seem to be connected, similar ideas and similar struggles in wildly different contexts. I know that I’m encouraged by your stories, your honest ups and downs, your refusal to walk the default Christian path. Thank you.