Larry, you asked me a very important question:

"…if living with Jesus means life is going to hold a lot more trouble and pain than it otherwise would, what makes it worthwhile? Why is walking with Jesus worth all the confusion?"

Your question pre-supposes it all is worth it. Which is one of the things I so like about it, and about you. You don’t look at life with Jesus as needing worth, only as needing explanation for its worth.

I wish I had some deep theological, Biblical answer for you. But I don’t. I can only tell you this: I don’t know for certain.

I realize that’s more brute honesty than some can stomach. But I don’t have any concrete answers. I think that’s the reason things get so dark for me at times. I’m still learning to trust God that He will make it all worth it. I look behind me, at the last four years, and I think, "I gave up everything for You, Jesus. And look what I got in return. If this is what the rest of my life will be like, I don’t know that its worth it."

Yet, at the same time, there is no way I can deny His deep, abiding presence and love. When others left my side, He did not. When others doubted my decisions, He confirmed my desires. When others tire of my whiny depression, He continues to encourage me — to breathe life and courage and inspiration into me. He has proved Himself faithful to the core and loving beyond all imagining.

Nor can I deny His provision. I took a look around my clean home last night (which is ready for my first small group tonight), at all the wonderful, beautiful things within it and at the pizza I was about to devour and deeply thanked Jesus for His gracious, bountiful provision.

Yet I doubt.

Its okay to laugh at that. Can you hear me chuckle at myself? Its just one of the crazy issues I deal with. What can I say? I’m broken and here’s proof.

Perhaps right now I’m like John the Baptist, sending out my "peeps" to Jesus for answers, "are you the one, or should we look for another?" In other words, "uh, hello, Jesus! I’m in prison here. Its dark and the future doesn’t look good. You gonna come get me out of here, or should I look for another Savior."

Except I’m not asking "are you the One?" I know He is. I’m just asking, "are you gonna deliver me from this?"

Jesus answers to me are much the same as He gave John. "I see you, my Love. I know where you are and what you think the future holds. Who Am I? What does your heart and soul and experiences tell you? Believe. But no, I’m not going to change your circumstances. Will you believe even without a rescue? Will you go to your grave, without rescue, believing I Am the One? Or must you have your rescue to believe? Blessed are you who don’t lose hope in Me even when I don’t come for you."

So what does make it worth it? What made it worth it for John, who certainly had it worse than me? Perhaps you are right,

"…Could it be that we really do hunger and thirst for God’s touch in our lives? Truth in not just fact, but in feeling and all other areas of human life?"

I follow Jesus because I love Him more than anything, ever. I crave His touch, I live to hear His whisper in my soul and feel the brush of His hand across my heart.

He is the Great Love of my life. Truly. And in the end, He is what makes the gritty, unplugged life worth it.

Morpheus was the one in the Matrix who made Neo’s life worth it (well, that and fantasies of Trinity). Morpheus believed in Neo, even when no one else did. He trained Neo, worked with him and beside him, defended him, encouraged, challenged and led him. Without Morpheus, Neo wouldn’t have lasted long.

I get up in the morning and drag my sorry behind into the shower, all sleepy and uninspired. It’s Jesus who celebrates the new day, and celebrates me in all my weirdness. And in all my potential glory. He’s the one who inspires me. He’s the One who makes the day worth it.

I have so many wants and desires and, perhaps even a few dreams left. And I still struggle with the belief utter conviction that my life will be worth living "if" and "when" I gain or achieve these things.

Jesus is working His butt off to convince me that those aren’t the things worth living for; even the dreams about advancing His Kingdom. Even those dreams aren’t worth living or dying for. The Kingdom itself isn’t worth it.

That sounds like heresy. I know it does. But I promise you, this is what I hear and see God pulling me into. "Am I not enough?" He said last week.

When I went overseas, the IMB encouraged us to have a "life verse", one that you could share with others that kind of sums up what you are about. People had all these wonderful verses about sharing the Gospel with the world or taking Christ to the ends of the earth, that kind of thing. I’d never had a "life verse". The closest thing I’d had was one of my favorite verses, 2 Cor 9:15 "Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!". After much prayer and searching, I chose to make Philippians 3:10-11, a passage that had come to be my goal in life, as the verses I put on my prayer cards. I figured it would be my "life passage" until God put another one in my spirit. But as the last four years have progressed, the verses just prior to that have come to mean a great deal to me as well. And I think they are the ones that Jesus is working so hard to convince me are to be my reason to live, the thing that makes this unplugged, Abundant Life so worth every agony and every struggle and every…. everything.

Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One), And that I may [actually] be found and known as in Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own, based on my obedience to the Law’s demands (ritualistic uprightness and supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly] right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith. — Phil 3:8-9, Amplified Bible

Five years ago next month I was sitting in a flat in North Delhi, India reading this very passage wondering how in the world Paul, so accomplished and talented and acclaimed, could say that all he had and achieved was garbage in comparison to knowing Jesus. I couldn’t see it. My materialistic, position-conscious heart couldn’t understand it.

I’ve experienced and learned a lot in these intervening years. And I’m coming to a place of understanding. I beginning to grasp the truth of Paul’s words and the reality that knowing Jesus really is worth more than all the riches, all the power and all the glory and accolades of this world. Slowly but surely God has been stripping me of each of these things and teaching me that they can never satisfy the hunger of my soul. Only His touch can do that.

And that is why it is all worth it.