I went to small group/home group "host" (read: leader) training this morning at my church, The People’s Church. My stomach has been tied in knots ever since.
The thought of stepping back into leadership, however "easy" and "short" it may be, scares me more than I thought it would. The commitment is different than it is at Mosaic. Life Group leaders back home are usually identified by other leaders and apprenticed for a while before the group multiplies and the new leaders take the second group. Its a process you go through and prepare months for. And it’s a commitment of usually at least a year — if not longer.
At TPC, hosts can sign up without having been a part of a group. They just feel led to open their homes to people. And the commitment starts as a 7 week trial deal. Try it, see how the group fits, how you fit. Then go from there. If the group fizzles, no pressure, no worries. It just wasn’t meant to be a long one. You can try again. Or join another group already established.
The training was much simpler and more direct as well. Of course, anyone who’s had any contact with Mosaic knows that anything is more direct and simple than Mosaic. Not that things are difficult at Mosaic. Its just that the leadership is so very esoteric; they’re deep thinkers. Even years ago, when Bro. Tom and Carol were casting the vision. So the training is much more about the concepts and philosophies, not the practical how-tos of creating a basic, doable life group meeting.
So why does this all scare me? I think its because I’ve been thrown off this horse twice, no, three, times now and the idea of getting back on brings back unpleasant memories.
Leading is hard. No matter how short it is. No matter how "easy" those above you make it. It takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes a piece of me. It always takes a piece of me. And that leaves me raw.
So why am I doing this? I don’t know. I just have felt since I moved into my new place that I needed to do this. And maybe even wanted to do it. I don’t know why I want to… I just do… Is that weird? Then last Sunday the announcement was made that they were looking for leaders for this particular series, lasting 7 weeks. And before I could really think about what I was doing, how I was committing myself once again, I’d filled out the information card and put it in the collection bag.
I could give you some of the reasons swimming in my head. I want to meet new people. I want to make some friends. Small group is the best way to do that. I have a nice little place where people can meet, so why not open it to a group? And its not so much "leading" as it is "facilitating". Or so they said this morning.
Honestly, all those reasons are good. And true. But this afternoon as I drove home from the training I finally discovered the true reason I’m taking this baby step out of my nicely padded comfort zone I’ve been making for myself since I left Mosaic Nashville’s "team": I’m doing it for God. But not in that holy, spiritual way. It’s like a little kid that pulls the paints out and makes a mess on the living room floor. I just want to make a pretty picture for my Dad. If He hangs it on the frig, all the better. But ultimately, it’s for Him.
When did I move from doing things because I was supposed to or expected to, or because I wanted others to know the love and intimacy I have with Jesus, to just wanting to paint a pretty picture for my Dad, just dance a crazy dance for my Beloved?
It’s gonna be beautiful. I believe.
I agree with Joe. I think the best qualification for leading a small group is loving Jesus. You do.
I’ve always thought that anyone who whole-heartedly wants to be a leader is probably disqualified by that fact. Your fence-sitting is a good sign, as is your willingness to give it a whirl and se what happens.
Relax. It’ll work, or it won’t. God still loves you. The key skill to develop is one that’s handy for sand sculptors too: failure analysis. Why didn’t it work? Interpersonal failures are hard to analyze, but you have the Holy Spirit to help with the process. You have insight into people, too.
If I had to take a wild guess as to what people want in a life group, deep down among other things they don’t talk about: they want to hear stories of real dealings with God… so their own weirdness seems less weird. Maybe I’m projecting my own ideas where they don’t belong, but if what you’ve done in the past, when the horse threw you off, doesn’t work, throw the rule book away and try something radical. Call things forth from your group members… by example.
I like your blog. I don’t find many women’s blogs I do like. Thanks for writing.
I agree with Larry on humility being a rather good trait in a leader.
Is it possible that anytime you do anything “deep” with people, you get thrown off. I’ve ridden, gosh, three horses in my life, and one three me off. So, yes, horses throw people off. But, I kept riding. Why? I have no idea. I guess because I know it comes with risk, and that’s part of the draw, somehow.
It does take a part of you every time. I laughed one day talking to the Lord about that feeling. I remember saying, “Lord, I feel so used.” As in used and abused.
I know I heard him chuckle and say, “Well, am I mistaken or did you not beg and plead from me to be, ‘used’?”
Yeah, well. Hang in there and, just keep walking it out. People benefit from being close to a real life, and take it as that famous childhood story (whose name I can’t recall at present) that indicates the abuse–having all your fur rubbed off and your limbs hanging by threads and an eyeball knocked out means but one thing…you were dearly loved.
Me