Just because I know something, understand something, doesn’t mean the problem is solved and all is well with the world again. It’s just the opposite.

Now that I know myself better, understand myself more, I realize I have a whole lot of work in front of me to become more than I am today. I cannot rest on my clarity. I have to use that clarity as a stepping stone to healing and wholeness.
And that takes work.

A whole lot of work.

I don’t like work. Its hard and painful and messy. And this kind of work, this transformational renewing of my mind kind of work is really hard. Its exhausting.

I’ve spent the last two hours delving into one passage of Scripture working to retrain myself to operate in the realm of God-thoughts instead of Lu-feelings.

I get scared, guys. I get so very scared. I’m just one big ‘fraidy-cat. And tonight I headed straight for panic-attack city. Yes, once again. You have to be tired of hearing about my fear of everything. I know I’m tired of living it. It seems I live on the edge of Panic Cliff, at the base of which is Panic City. One mis-step and I’m over the cliff, hanging in mid-air like Wile E. Coyote waiting for gravity to assert itself on me. And then its down I go.

I’ve been challenged to stop living by my feelings and start living a thought-based life. The only way to do that is to take my focus off me and turn my gaze God-ward. To take my feelings captive and make them obedient to Jesus. —- Okay, so I know that the verse in Romans actually says to "take every thought captive", but I’m realizing for me I must also take every feeling captive and examine it in light of what God says.

If you’d like to know what light I shined on my feelings tonight, read Matthew 6:19-34 in the The Message.

As with every encounter with light, there was some moments of glaring brightness. I saw myself. I saw my greed and my distrust. I saw my materialistic heart, my vanity and my selfishness. Oh, Lord what a mess I am!

But I also saw Jesus, looking at me with love and approval — yeah, approval. Even with all that sin and ugliness, He smiled at me with approval. Not because of my sin… Perhaps He sees something in me I don’t see in myself yet.

And I got a glimpse of how life is perhaps meant to be lived. Jesus says,

"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out… Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow."

Steeped in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Sounds awesome! Now if only I could figure out what that really means, what it looks like, so I could emulate it. I can only guess at it right now. Maybe its like the spoon in The Matrix — the trick to to remember that its not really a spoon. Its a constant awareness that our senses and minds can be deceived and in turn deceive us. A constant immersion in the spiritual realities.

Giving my entire attention to what God is doing right now. Not in the future, not tomorrow, but right this very second. You know? I never think about that. I never think about what is God doing right this very second. I think about what He wants to do, what He will do, what He has done. But I never consider what He is doing this very moment. Just like the young Luke Skywalker, my mind is never on the present, it’s always in the future. Or the past.

But I got a glimpse tonight, in my mind, in my spirit, of what this kind of life would look like. It was very attractive. I want this. I really want this kind of life. Oh, to live fully in every moment without worry for the future! That’s a meal I’d spend the rest of my life feasting on, and who cares about the calories!

It’s going to take every ounce of strength I’ve got, and then some, to teach my mind this new path, to teach my heart to let go of the gods of money and food and tv and new stuff and Apple gadgets and toys of all kinds, and reach only for God and give my entire attention to what He is doing in this present moment.