Monthly Archives: November 2005

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Bag Ladies Forever

I missed the blogging memo about posting the things your grateful for on Thanksgiving.

Actually I spent most of my holiday weekend away from the computer (I know, shocking isn’t it, to find out that one can survive a weekend without the laptop appendage). By choice, no less. So its not surprising I was in the dark about this. I guess it should have been a given, considering the holiday and all, but, well, I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree, ya know?

As I dropped in on all my favorite blogs today, I found that many had posted on or around Thanksgiving, mainly about things they’re thankful for,  or about the holiday in general.

Sometimes I forget to think about the blessings in my life. I get so caught up in all the things I think are going wrong in my life, all the things I don’t have and all I’m missing. In those times I’d do well to "count my blessings" as they say. But I usually don’t think to. And I get very upset at people who tell me I "should" do so.

This was especially difficult to do in the weeks and months after mom and dad died. It seemed to me that I had lost everything ever important in life, that I had nothing left either in life or in me of value or worth. Counting my blessings then was very, very tough.

Somehow I always managed to count at least two: Jesus in my life, holding me together; and friends in my life, who just held me. Wendy was one of those friends. She was one who stuck by my side like she’d been glued there.

I remember crying to her and Kim McManus over my fears that I was hopelessly forever alone, that I would never marry or have any kind of family of my own. Wendy told me that would never be true; I would never be alone. She would always be there and jokingly said I could always be a bag lady with her. Be a bag lady with me, she cheerily invited.

At the time I didn’t find this idea either funny or the least bit comforting.

Seriously. I already feared that I would end up a homeless bag lady within a few years, if not sooner. So her declaration didn’t sooth me so much as it confirmed my worst fears.

Through the last two years, however, that declaration that I indeed would have a least one friend no matter what befell me in life has brought me much comfort. I find the future is easier to face when I remember that, if/when it all goes south, Wendy and I will be bag ladies together. I will not be alone.

Today I extended the offer to join Wendy and I in our bag lady-ness to my friend, Niza, who had a rough day over the weekend. It occurred to me after I posted my comment that she might misunderstand, as I did once, what a blessing this offer really is. No truer mark of a friend can be found than that of a friend who invites you to share her cardboard house with her and openly declares her friendship till the end of time, no matter how messy life gets.

I am indeed blessed.

Not because I have much — even though I do, by the world’s standards. Not because I am someone of importance — even though I am to God, and, thanks be to God!, my friends and family. I am blessed because I am loved. And love has been spoken over me even if I end up a bag lady, toothless and dirty, scrounging for food on the streets of downtown Nashville. Wendy will love me even then. Wendy will be my friend even then.

God shines His love on us through the people He brings into our lives. Wendy shines His light brighter than anyone I’ve known. I hope, perhaps, I can pass on some of that light and shine it into another’s. Perhaps we can all one day form the Bag Lady Brigade, walking the streets of America, toothless and dirty, stomachs growling and empty but hearts overflowing with joy because we are Jesus to each other in our darkest moments of life. And, knowing Wendy, she’ll organize us into the finest women’s worship band you’ve ever heard!

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Clarity Does Not Equal Resolution

Just because I know something, understand something, doesn’t mean the problem is solved and all is well with the world again. It’s just the opposite.

Now that I know myself better, understand myself more, I realize I have a whole lot of work in front of me to become more than I am today. I cannot rest on my clarity. I have to use that clarity as a stepping stone to healing and wholeness.
And that takes work.

A whole lot of work.

I don’t like work. Its hard and painful and messy. And this kind of work, this transformational renewing of my mind kind of work is really hard. Its exhausting.

I’ve spent the last two hours delving into one passage of Scripture working to retrain myself to operate in the realm of God-thoughts instead of Lu-feelings.

I get scared, guys. I get so very scared. I’m just one big ‘fraidy-cat. And tonight I headed straight for panic-attack city. Yes, once again. You have to be tired of hearing about my fear of everything. I know I’m tired of living it. It seems I live on the edge of Panic Cliff, at the base of which is Panic City. One mis-step and I’m over the cliff, hanging in mid-air like Wile E. Coyote waiting for gravity to assert itself on me. And then its down I go.

I’ve been challenged to stop living by my feelings and start living a thought-based life. The only way to do that is to take my focus off me and turn my gaze God-ward. To take my feelings captive and make them obedient to Jesus. —- Okay, so I know that the verse in Romans actually says to "take every thought captive", but I’m realizing for me I must also take every feeling captive and examine it in light of what God says.

If you’d like to know what light I shined on my feelings tonight, read Matthew 6:19-34 in the The Message.

As with every encounter with light, there was some moments of glaring brightness. I saw myself. I saw my greed and my distrust. I saw my materialistic heart, my vanity and my selfishness. Oh, Lord what a mess I am!

But I also saw Jesus, looking at me with love and approval — yeah, approval. Even with all that sin and ugliness, He smiled at me with approval. Not because of my sin… Perhaps He sees something in me I don’t see in myself yet.

And I got a glimpse of how life is perhaps meant to be lived. Jesus says,

"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out… Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow."

Steeped in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Sounds awesome! Now if only I could figure out what that really means, what it looks like, so I could emulate it. I can only guess at it right now. Maybe its like the spoon in The Matrix — the trick to to remember that its not really a spoon. Its a constant awareness that our senses and minds can be deceived and in turn deceive us. A constant immersion in the spiritual realities.

Giving my entire attention to what God is doing right now. Not in the future, not tomorrow, but right this very second. You know? I never think about that. I never think about what is God doing right this very second. I think about what He wants to do, what He will do, what He has done. But I never consider what He is doing this very moment. Just like the young Luke Skywalker, my mind is never on the present, it’s always in the future. Or the past.

But I got a glimpse tonight, in my mind, in my spirit, of what this kind of life would look like. It was very attractive. I want this. I really want this kind of life. Oh, to live fully in every moment without worry for the future! That’s a meal I’d spend the rest of my life feasting on, and who cares about the calories!

It’s going to take every ounce of strength I’ve got, and then some, to teach my mind this new path, to teach my heart to let go of the gods of money and food and tv and new stuff and Apple gadgets and toys of all kinds, and reach only for God and give my entire attention to what He is doing in this present moment.

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What is Worship?

My friend Dawn recently wrote a couple of posts about worship. Then she wrote yesterday that she’s feeling vulnerable because of some posts she made on the Mosaic Nashville forum.

I understand her feelings of vulnerability. You put ideas out there and words with no faces sometimes stomp all over them. I quit reading that forum many months ago. But Dawn’s post caused me to go back over there and see what’s going on. 

Discussion is abounding over what worship is, exactly. And, as a side discussion, what leadership is and if we all are leaders or not. I thought Dawn made some very good points about worship and presented her thoughts very well. And she has good questions. Things like, are we being relevant to the culture around us in the way we structure and conduct our services? and Is worship more than just singing songs and listening to sermons? I’ll get to the leadership stuff in a moment, but first… what is worship?

It seems to me that worship has as many definitions/meanings as there are people. And it seems that no one really knows for sure what it is, exactly.

I’m no expert on the subject either. I’ve often wondered myself what it is we mean when we talk of worship. I apply the word to many things/activities, even non-activities. To the point that I muddy the waters more with my attempts to clarify.

Is worship the thing I do when I’m all alone in my home, listening to my favorite worship music and just being with God? Is it the thing I do when I’m at church, singing songs and lifting my hands in praise in a crowd of thousands? Is it the thing I do when I’m moving faders up and down, tweaking the E.Q. and making sure the sound is balanced and well-mixed? Is it the thing I do when I’m laying mic cords and putting up mic stands and mics, then wrapping it all up and putting them away? Is it the thing I do when I’m alone reading my Bible and asking God about the meanings and applications of the passage? Is it the thing I do when laughing with a co-worker, talking earnestly with another, crying with another? Or when I call a friend just to say "hi and I love you"? Or calling my sister to cry on her shoulder or comfort her heart over something? Is it the thing I do when I’m working and really digging into a project and gettin’ it done? Is it the thing I do when I’m driving to work and see the beauty around me? Or see a beautiful sunset on the way home? Or see Jupiter or Venus shining brightly in the evening sky?

As I asked God about about this yesterday, He brought to my mind Romans 12:1:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.

Okay, I get it that. Sort of… what is it to "offer my body as a living sacrifice"? I mean, what does that mean, really? Again, it’s a churchy phrase long over-used and short on really context in my culture. So, I flipped over to the Message translation of the same passage and found new insight:

Take your everyday, ordinary life–your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life–and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.

Now, that makes more sense to me. If I’m reading this right then the answer to all my above questions is, "yes". — So like God to answer in the affirmative to "all the above" when I’m convinced the question is an either/or question.

If I’m reading this right, then my worship is all of those things. Its everything I do, everything I say, everything I think, and everything I am. No ifs, no whens, no buts (if/when I do this, than its worship, but only if my heart is right… blah, blah, blah). Sounds crazy, doesn’t it. Maybe it is. Maybe I’m completely off my rocker (wouldn’t be the first time). But I think we humans too often put qualifiers on things where God doesn’t.

I know. Paul says "make all these things things an offering to God. This is your worship." But what if what Paul is really saying here is, "these things are your spiritual act of worship, make them an offering to God"?

Perhaps worship is a state of being, not a verb or a noun. Its the state of being the offering, whatever we do and say and think and are is the worship we offer, the worship we bring to Him.

Whoa, would that change the way I live my life and who I see myself as! There are some things I don’t want to offer to God as worship; things I do that aren’t right, things I think that aren’t pure, things I say that aren’t God-honoring, things that I am that I think aren’t good enough.

And yet, God made me to bring glory to Him…. Let me back up and just say, God made me. God. Made. Me.

Yep. Now I know I’ve got some of you worried. 😉

God made me. And He loves me. Just the way I am. I was made by Him to bring the exquisite fragrance of God to the world every moment of every day. But some days my worship smells more like poop than parfum. Yet even then, my offering of poop is my worship to God.

Okay, that’s nasty. I don’t want that to be true…

I once heard it said that we worship what we obey. I think that’s probably true. If I obey my own lusts, then I’m showing the world I worship them. If I obey my selfish desires and ambitions, then I show the world I worship me. BUT If I obey God’s commands and the passions He’s put in me, then I show the world I worship God.

What I’m getting at here is this: Perhaps we have misread this and other passages about worship to mean that worship is something we specifically do, rather than all that we do, say and are. Regardless of our focus on God, everything we do and are is our worship of, and to, God. The act of making ourselves the offering, of offering all we do, say and are to God, enriches and purifies our worship, so that it is holy and undefiled in God’s eyes (and acceptable to Him, like Abel’s offering — Gen 4:3-5). But even when we don’t make ourselves an offering to God, everything we do, say and are is still our worship to God. It’s just defiled and, well, poopy.

I don’t know if this is a true rendering of that passage. I don’t know for certain what worship is at all. I know what I call worship. And I know its not always the same as what others think. So I could use some help here. What do you think?

Joe, what do you say, you seminary-educated giant? 🙂 How ’bout you, Los? Thoughts from the Worship Leader? Wendy, anything?

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Oh, Deer!

A deer trotted across the road right in front of me this morning on my way into work.

Don’t worry, I didn’t hit him. I was going slow enough that there was never a chance for collision. But can you believe it???? A deer! And he was so close. And less than a block from my house!

After he crossed the road he kinda look back over his shoulder at me, with this look in his eyes. Not the deer-in-the-headlights look one would expect, but a look of relief and of "thanks for not hitting me." Which is kind of odd, considering he rather trotted across the road instead of running, almost as if he didn’t expect me to hit him. Maybe he saw me turn onto the road and knew I wouldn’t pick up enough speed before I got to him. Maybe he even saw I have a Fix-Or-Repair-Daily car and knew my little Escort didn’t have the speed in him that early.

Either way, I’m glad I didn’t hit him either. I have to confess, I had a little deer-in-the-headlights moment of my own when I saw him dart out. And it wasn’t because I might have been the cause of this beautiful creature becoming the morning’s main course at the roadkill banquet. Sad to say, but my first thought was of how much damage I’ve heard these beautiful animals cause to a car upon collision. I could see my little mangled Escort being carted off to car purgatory by the flat-bed-hearse-for-cars while the cops handed me its little death certificate, "cause of death: deer x-ing."

Oh, dear.

I think I’ll always drive a slowly through my neighborhood now…. I’m sure I can safely say that both deer and Lu are glad our morning encounter turned out like it did. He really was beautiful. Little antlers and all.

I live in the city limits of Nashville, only about 12 or so miles at the most from downtown no less. And I saw a deer less than a block from my house. You would never see that in LA.

I love living in Nashville. This place is so cool!

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Breakthrough

I get it. I get it now. I finally get why I am the way I am. I understand. I see it so clearly. It feels like a lot of pieces of the puzzle of my life just came together and got put into place. And finally, for the first time, I’m getting a glimpse of the larger, overall picture.

And it feels good. It feels really good.

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Begging Your Pardon

…for my silence here of late. Last weekend I was toe-up sick, and this week has been incredibly busy at work — while home time has been devoted to resting up after last week’s terrible cold.

Thanks for your patience.

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Snot-Fest 2005

It’s 5am. I’ve been awake since around 4:30. I finally gave up on sleep and came out to watch the news and have some chai.

The reason I’m awake. My sinuses have picked this week to literally explode with snot. I had allergy attacks last fall, but nothing compared to this. This is like someone took a fireman’s hose and shot my sinus cavities full of junk; so full I can’t breath. So full my head hurts on the side that’s clogged up. So full I can’t even inhale the little spritz from my nasal spray.

My eyes and throat, not wanting to be left out of the whole facial action, are itchy, watery and dry, all at once. How is that possible??

Yeah. I’m miserable. But I feel the sorriest for the people around me at work, who have to listen to me sneeze and cough all day long, look at my Rudolf-red nose and my squinty wet eyes and wonder, sometimes in fear, if this thing is catching.

Nothing I take has worked on this snot-fest. I’ve taken anti-histamine, decongestant, cough drops, stuff declaring it takes care of even the most stubborn allergies, stuff labeled "for severe cold"…. you name it, I’ve taken it. Nothing. Works.

Oh, someone shoot me now and put me out of my misery before I explode all over Nashville, shooting snot clear up to White House and all the way down to Spring Hill. Heck, I think I could even reach Pigeon Forge with what’s packed up my nose….

Help.

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Senate on Fire

Everyone is talking today about the craziness of yesterday’s closed-door Senate session in which the Dems cornered the Reps (is that how you’d shorten it???)  with tantrums about the Iraq war inquiries. Nashville is Talking is a great place to find lots of discussion on the playground fight, with much more thought and detail than I can give you. However, I found this post on Mark Rose’s blog particularly helpful in sorting out the details and getting down to the core of the issue.

I first heard about this brouhaha this morning on Good Morning America (yes I admit I rather avoid the news in the evening; I want to relax in the evenings, not get over-stressed by the constant hyperbole, melodrama and overacting of most news programs today). The news came complete with sound bites of the two top bawlers — Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (the perp) and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (the alleged vic) — crying about how the other guys had done them wrong.

At first I was angry at the whole thing — mostly at the Dems for pulling such a stunt. But after I got over the initial shock (which took all of about 10 seconds), I found the whole thing oddly refreshing. They were mad. Both parties were mad. So mad that they couldn’t keep their political masks of "bless their hearts" in place to save their lives.

For the first time we actually heard what the two parties truly feel, truly believe, instead of a bunch of political posturing and over-the-top disingenuous graciousness toward the other party. For the first time, we heard a bunch of grown ups act like the playground kindergartner-bullies they are, so mad they dropped all pretense of "trying to get along" and yelled at each other in genuine, and strong, emotion and conviction.

"Your not playing the way we told you to!"

"Your mean! I’m gonna tell the American people!"

"You don’t play the way we want you to! And you better shape up. WE are the party that tells the American public what’s what!"

"You don’t either! And we’re gonna tell! We can’t trust you!"

"We’re gonna make you play the way we want to. So there!"

"Your mean! And we won’t trust you any more!" (as if they ever did)

On and on it went. But at least this time, it was real emotion, real conviction. We heard what the parties really think of each other up there in Washington.

Good thing we have gun control laws. Can you imagine what the Senate floor would look like right now if we didn’t? Hmmmmm….. on second thought, maybe we should lift those laws just for the Senate; just for now. Let them fight it out like "real" men. Maybe they’ll all kill each other off and we can start fresh with two new parties…

Naw, we’d still end up with the same problem. Corrupt kindergartner-bullies fighting each other for control of the playground.

The big losers yesterday were us, the American people.

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Where in the World are You?

Frappr_3I stopped by Randy’s blog this afternoon and found this new nifty little map called Frappr. It’s kind of like the Bravenet guest map I had up for a bit, but this is waaay cooler. You don’t have to hunt and peck for your city. All you have to do is put in your zip code and it pegs your city for you!

I’d love to know where all ya’ll are at/from. It’ll be fun! So, please, click Here, enter your zip code and map yourself!