Culture is a river that will pull you downstream unless you swim against the current.

I miss the culture of Mosaic. Larry, Wendy and Nina are right, it is the exception of community, not the rule. One of the things I’ve been missing most will sound odd to some. I miss the culture of servanthood.

It was easy to be a servant there. It was easy to give sacrificially. The culture of the community — the ethos, to use an old/new word — of servant-leadership was so strong and so pervasive that it pulled me downstream toward true spiritual generosity in every aspect of my life. I didn’t have to work hard at keeping that characteristic at the forefront of my heart and life. Mosaic as a core group, as my community and my friends, did it for me. It thrust me into the middle of a vortex of service where the only way out was to get out of the pool altogether.

The culture of the Church in Nashville is much different. I don’t mean just the church I go to; I mean the Church (big C) in general. I sense a growing emphasis among leadership in The People’s Church toward servanthood. But the current of culture still strongly flows down the river of Being Served.

For a sojourner who’s tired and battle weary, it’s a comfortable current. I like being carried like this; not feeling the urgent need to serve, knowing that "someone else" will take care of tear-down or set up or clean up or…. whatever. It’s amazing what a large church provides. There are people who get paid to set up and tear down tables for events. People paid to cater meals and reimbursements for those who buy with their own money, even childcare reimbursements are provided. Even sound set up is minimal compared to an average Sunday at Mosaic (though I must admit, Mosaic has better soundboards!).

However, all this cushiness cannot supplant the 10 years of cultural training. I still find myself picking up trash, straightening chairs, wanting to put things away and clean up.

I’m not serving like I used to. Worse, I don’t know how to serve in such a huge community. I feel lost in the crowd and carried downstream by the current of being served. How do I get out of this? How do I find the strength to fight the current and swim upstream to where help is needed? And how do I find the places to serve which fit my gifts?

Back home I knew the people to ask. I knew who to go to when I wanted to plug in somewhere. Heck, I didn’t need to ask. People came to me. Somehow, from early on I got a reputation for being the go-to girl; and so I was the one people "go-to". If I were to go home today, I’d be plugged in by midnight. Somewhere, somehow, someone would find out and call.

I know serving isn’t just about the inside of the church. I know its mainly about serving outside, in the world. I know its really about a way of life, not something you do on certain days. Somehow, though, I’ve forgotten how to live that way. Somehow I’ve gotten caught in a vortex of exhaustion and depression and isolation.  I no longer know where the line is between healthy rest and laziness.

I listened to Erwin’s sermon on Extraordinary Service and felt the pinch of conviction; am I doing enough? I don’t think I am. I read Wendy’s blog, Niza’s blog, Amy (a wonderful woman/old friend at Mosaic), Lillia and an new blog I found from a new Mosaic-ite, Cindy, and I’m reminded of the old current I once swam in. It was so easy then! Now I must fight the current AND give my life away generously.

But I’m so tired —- and I so long to just hang on to my life, what’s left of it, now that I’ve just begun to find my footing in life again. I feel torn apart by my own hands, one pulling against the current, one desperate to stay in the groove.

Erwin, as always, had much to say I needed to hear. One thing stuck out in this first listening of Extraordinary Service (side note: I remember him preaching similar sermons about 8 years ago — Wendy and I tackled memorizing the book of Philippians during the series, as Erwin preached the book through.). Erwin says, "You don’t wait till you’re strong enough to serve. You serve and it makes you stronger."

My new pastor, Rick, talked yesterday of the vision God’s given him for The People’s Church over the next year or so and I was reminded of Mosaic. Two urgent projects are a church plant in New York City and a satellite service in Spring Hill (about 20 minutes south of our campus). My mind immediately whirled with all the details experience taught me will be involved in these two endeavors. Who will the teams be? Needs for set up and tear down and clean up and ambiance and planning and tech stuff…. on and on. It wore me down just thinking about it. Yet it excited me at the same time. I wasn’t among a community just sitting around. They are moving and growing and determined to stay in the world, involved in the movement of God. It once again convinced me that I’m plugging into a community that is following Jesus.

Yet I left disconsolate, longing even more for the culture back home which would just sweep me along the current of servanthood as we chugged along together. Perhaps I’m looking in the wrong places at TPC. Perhaps I just haven’t found the servant current yet. I don’t know.

But I guess the true question on my heart at the moment is, How can I summon the courage and strength to serve and give my life generously on my own? Pray for me.

A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.  Proverbs 11:25

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.  2 Tim 1:6-7

"No matter how physically sick, no matter how emotionally sick, no matter how weak you feel, you can serve someone today." — Erwin