Monthly Archives: July 2005

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The End

It’s done. It is no more. What began as a small rag-tag group meeting in the park last August ended with a much larger and somewhat different group meeting in "the living room" for the last time.

Stones marked our journey, as we piled them into what will eventually become a lamp. I put one in just to mark that I was there once, like scratching my name into my desk on the last day of school.

I’m sad. Looking around the room tonight, I knew I had been a part of something unique and special. And I knew that we will probably never capture that again.

Some may argue that that isn’t a thing to mourn. They are mistaken. Every loss in life is worthy of mourning. We must take time to mourn, even the small losses in life. We must take time to acknowledge that our hearts are rended each time something or someone we love and have invested in is separated from us. If we don’t take that time, the wounds of our loss will become infected with bitterness.

I’m exhausted too. My eyes want to close even as I type. It’s been a heck of an emotional rollercoaster ride the last week or so, which is more wearing on the body than hard labor. And I feel it, to my bones.

But I also feel released, free. I’m no longer obligated or invested in Mosaic. It’s as if some invisible ties to "the past" have been cut (not sure what that means exactly, it’s just the way I feel) and I’m free to investigate the rest of Nashville, see what’s out there and if, perhaps, God brought me here for a different purpose than I thought.

This is what the LORD says– he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." — Isa 43:16-19

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Apology

As I’ve thought over my posts on the Mosaic Nashville forum and over the posts here in my blog, I have come to the strong conviction that I really messed up here.

I have offended many and hurt others — and even done both to many people. That was never my intention or my desire. My blog has always just been an extension of my own mind; a place I could free put in print the things I am currently chewing on or have to say — to whom ever may stop by. It was never intended as a weapon with which to hurt people with my words.

I have heard from someone I care deeply about who shared with me that many of the AM Mosaic people are talking about my posts and wondering what’s going on with me. Because they don’t know me, or know my heart, my words have confused, offended and baffled them. It had been heavy on my heart even yesterday that I had, with all good intentions to the contrary, completely screwed up by speaking up on the forum and leaving links leading here where my words could hurt or offend people I don’t even know yet.

I am deeply grieved by even the possibility that my words have caused hurt and offense when my heart and intentions in writing those words were just the opposite. I’m so sorry!

Will you forgive me?

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Lead By Blogging

I started reading Randy Elrod’s blog shortly after he started it. He sent out an email to all of us serving with the People’s Church media team. I hadn’t checked in there in a while, but today I did. I found an incredible article he’s written about Leading by Blogging. Check it out. Here’s a few snippets that most resonated with me.

Through my blog, not only my paid staff, but also my lay ministers, and even my entire church body can begin to understand my ethos… This medium also promotes a new kind of community. The post-modern generation understands and utilizes this tool. They may not know the word blog… yet, but they certainly know about Xanga or MySpace. These are in essence blogging communities and interactive spaces that promote discourse and knowledge. Enabling and allowing comments to each of your blog posts gives opportunity for this type of interactivity. It is a new type of community that the next generation understands. This medium is a “non-linear” communication tool that is fluid enough to be attractive to the post-modern culture.

Blogging also develops writing and communication skills. Anything done on a consistent basis will prove beneficial, and if your blog is to be read, daily posts are a must! This discipline has greatly enhanced my confidence and growth as a leader and communicator.

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Don’t Look Down

"Come," [Jesus] said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Matt 14:29-30

Twelve years ago I moved into my first all-by-my-self apartment. I’d always lived with roommates up to that time. I was very scared. I’d figured out that with all my bills I would barely make it to the end of the month on my paychecks. For the first time I would seriously be living paycheck-to-paycheck. If anything went wrong, if anything major happened I’d be in a world of hurt.

But it was the only option for me at the time. I had been without a church home for nearly four years, so I didn’t have a "church resource" from which to find a roommate. And all my friends were happy in their current living situations and not looking, or wanting, to change. So there I was, signing a lease for my very own private apartment.

I was just starting to get my relationship with God back on track after having wandered off during those 4 years. It is really very difficult to keep your relationship with God intimate and growing when you don’t have a community of committed believers around you. I don’t know why, it just is.

I prayed and cried out to God daily regarding my fear over this new situation. — small aside: you may have noted a "small" theme running through my posts; fear tends to be a constant in my life. For many years it factored into all my decisions. But for the last 12 years I have steadily worked to not allow my fear to stop me from pursuing God no matter where He goes, and each time I’ve chosen to step out in faith has taken less time than the choice before. — As I cried out to God in my fear, He led me to this passage and gave me a command. "Don’t look down."

See, Peter had the courage to step out and pursue Jesus. He could have said, "If it’s really you, Jesus; come and save us!!!!! Can’t you see we’re in danger here???" But Peter defied all logical reason and said, "if that’s really you, call me out! I wanna be where YOU are!!"

I didn’t have the words or the wisdom to know that this is what I was saying to God those 12 years ago. But I knew my life was in shambles. I knew I had become the Prodigal Daughter for the second time in my young life, and I wanted to come home. More than anything, I wanted to come home!

The same weekend I found that small "junior one-bedroom" (really a glorified large single/studio), I’d gone to my first service at Mosaic. I walked in the door and the Holy Spirit blasted me with His heat, like stepping out of a refrigerator-cold house and into the Phoenix noonday sun in the middle of a heat wave. It was overpowering. I was surrounded, enveloped and invaded by the Spirit and I loved it! I was home!! I’d been to Mosaic (then called Church on Brady) only once before, 10 years prior to that moment, but that November Sunday morning I felt like I’d just walked in the door of my childhood home. It was so sweet. I begged God to let me come home, let me stay. I’d wash toilets or whatever just to be there. All I wanted was to be where He was. "Call me out, Jesus! I wanna be where You are! And I KNOW You are here! I’ll do whatever You want. Go where ever You ask. Do whatever You say. No matter the cost. No turning back."

Thing is, when you decide to step out of your boat and go where Jesus is, you start seeing things that aren’t supposed to be see-able. Peter saw the wind. Hel-lo!! You can see the effects of the wind. But The Wind???? Whoa. What drugs you been takin’, son?!

But that’s the thing! When you step out into God’s World, you see the things that cannot be seen in the Human World. And it will Freak. You. Out. You start realizing you aren’t on solid ground anymore. Life just moved into the supernatural and that’s just not a place we humans are used to living.

I was still too young and dumb to realize all this in 1993. But God gave me words of wisdom to hang on to anyway: "Don’t look down. When the finances feel stretched to the limit, keep looking at Me. When the income doesn’t add up, keep looking at Me. When things get scary and stuff starts happening you can’t explain, don’t look down. Keep your eyes on Me. No matter what happens, Don’t. Look. Down. Keep your eyes on ME."

The other thing about stepping out of the boat is, well, as odd as it sounds, you have to keep stepping out. It’s not that you get back in (well, some do and it is a possibility), it’s that you gradually come to accept and get comfortable in your little "plot of water". And as soon as you do, Jesus calls you further. The last 12 years have been a continual calling out; we go further and further away from the boat. The last 5 years in particular have been bigger steps each time. And for the last three years God hasn’t allowed me to even get comfortable in my little plot before calling me farther. I keep waiting for the day I can settle in for a bit. But, alas, that doesn’t seem to be in His plan for me anymore.

Last night, Jesus and I talked again at length about my current personal situation and all the overwhelming crap I have on my plate, how I can’t seem to get settled anywhere before being moved on — and that’s without including the merge stuff. As we talked He quietly reminded me, "Don’t look down."

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Happy Ascension Day, Mom


Two years ago today, around 5am, mom died. She’s now in heaven with her Beloved, and her earthly lover. No more dementia, no more living in a mental fog, no more wearing Depends, no more wheel-chair boundaries, no more suffering or pain. She’s young and restored to her youthful beauty. Thank you Jesus! I know she is in a better place.

But I miss her more than my heart can bear!

PS — Yes, my parents died six days apart. Six months apart in age, nearly 61 years of marriage, over 65 years of knowing each other… God knew what He was doing when He brought them home together. Dad first, because a gentleman always goes a little before the lady and prepares the way, opening doors and clearing the path for her. It was the best for both of them.

But those of us left behind still struggle with the gaping holes the loss of these two wonderful saints of God left in our lives.

Oh, my baby, when you’re cryin’
Never hide your face from me
I’ve conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with a life to set you free

Oh, my baby, when you’re dying
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in Heaven you will finally understand
Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in Heaven you will finally understand

Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don’t seem worth livin’
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

"Come To Jesus" – by Mindy Smith

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What They Said

FOXNews.com – Foxlife – Out There – Lightning Strikes Sleeping Girl’s Bed

Kaylee Shriner, 7, was sleeping in her own bed in the town of Tonganoxie (search), 25 miles west of Kansas City, when a bolt of lightning struck her house on the morning of June 30. The jolt went through the roof, into the house’s frame, down a metal beam and into the steel springs of Kaylee’s mattress, which was touching a bedroom wall.

….Kaylee described her parents’ reaction. "[Dad] said a bad word, and then Mom heard it, and then she went upstairs, and then she said a bad word," she told KMBC. "There were lots of bad words around here."

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Ascension Day

Dad died two years ago tonight, at 11pm.

Now he’s in heaven, where there’s no more crying or sorrow or sadness. no more deadlines or traffic or stresses or hurts, no more death or pain or frustration.

I envy him.

I hate July.

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Oh, What A Night


Amazing! That’s all I can think to say. Last night was utterly amazing. And I wasn’t even at the whole event. Man, does Nashville know how to celebrate!

Read this article from the Tennessean to get a glimpse of what 4th of July in Nashville is like.

Julie, Manuel and I didn’t make it to the concerts. We were too busy talking, eating dogs and corn on the cob (grilled to perfection) and toasting our Freedom as Americans with our margaritas and just hangin’ out at their house.

Eventually, though, we made our way downtown with plans to watch the fireworks from somewhere in Riverfront Park. Heh. Silly us. The pedestrian bridge over the river from the coliseum to Riverfront was blocked off and we got there too late to make it across the Shelby Street bridge in time. So we parked ourselves in a marked off area on the coliseum side and watched the amazing light show from there. This picture is close to what my view was — except I was much closer to where the fireworks were being shot off (the bridge you see is the pedestrian bridge I spoke of).

The only downside to our front row view was that the music wasn’t piped across. We couldn’t hear any of the Nashville Symphony’s live soundtrack to the fireworks. Ah, well. I guess you can’t have everything.

Traffic was a crazy wild-thing — so we sat in the back of Manuel’s truck, hangin’ out and talkin’ and listening to great tunes from his stereo until the cars cleared out enough for him for forage a path through the insane Nashville drivers desperate to get their sleeping, cranky, sunburnt kids/selves home to bed.

And not once during the evening did I need a sweater or longsleeve shirt (a staple on most LA July 4th nights). The evening air was balmy, smelled of fresh rain and, once the ringing in my ears quit from the booms of fireworks, alive with the sounds of summer critters singing praises to the God of Freedom and Liberty.

I LOVE living in Nashville!!!!

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.  — Gal 5:1