"Come," [Jesus] said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Matt 14:29-30

Twelve years ago I moved into my first all-by-my-self apartment. I’d always lived with roommates up to that time. I was very scared. I’d figured out that with all my bills I would barely make it to the end of the month on my paychecks. For the first time I would seriously be living paycheck-to-paycheck. If anything went wrong, if anything major happened I’d be in a world of hurt.

But it was the only option for me at the time. I had been without a church home for nearly four years, so I didn’t have a "church resource" from which to find a roommate. And all my friends were happy in their current living situations and not looking, or wanting, to change. So there I was, signing a lease for my very own private apartment.

I was just starting to get my relationship with God back on track after having wandered off during those 4 years. It is really very difficult to keep your relationship with God intimate and growing when you don’t have a community of committed believers around you. I don’t know why, it just is.

I prayed and cried out to God daily regarding my fear over this new situation. — small aside: you may have noted a "small" theme running through my posts; fear tends to be a constant in my life. For many years it factored into all my decisions. But for the last 12 years I have steadily worked to not allow my fear to stop me from pursuing God no matter where He goes, and each time I’ve chosen to step out in faith has taken less time than the choice before. — As I cried out to God in my fear, He led me to this passage and gave me a command. "Don’t look down."

See, Peter had the courage to step out and pursue Jesus. He could have said, "If it’s really you, Jesus; come and save us!!!!! Can’t you see we’re in danger here???" But Peter defied all logical reason and said, "if that’s really you, call me out! I wanna be where YOU are!!"

I didn’t have the words or the wisdom to know that this is what I was saying to God those 12 years ago. But I knew my life was in shambles. I knew I had become the Prodigal Daughter for the second time in my young life, and I wanted to come home. More than anything, I wanted to come home!

The same weekend I found that small "junior one-bedroom" (really a glorified large single/studio), I’d gone to my first service at Mosaic. I walked in the door and the Holy Spirit blasted me with His heat, like stepping out of a refrigerator-cold house and into the Phoenix noonday sun in the middle of a heat wave. It was overpowering. I was surrounded, enveloped and invaded by the Spirit and I loved it! I was home!! I’d been to Mosaic (then called Church on Brady) only once before, 10 years prior to that moment, but that November Sunday morning I felt like I’d just walked in the door of my childhood home. It was so sweet. I begged God to let me come home, let me stay. I’d wash toilets or whatever just to be there. All I wanted was to be where He was. "Call me out, Jesus! I wanna be where You are! And I KNOW You are here! I’ll do whatever You want. Go where ever You ask. Do whatever You say. No matter the cost. No turning back."

Thing is, when you decide to step out of your boat and go where Jesus is, you start seeing things that aren’t supposed to be see-able. Peter saw the wind. Hel-lo!! You can see the effects of the wind. But The Wind???? Whoa. What drugs you been takin’, son?!

But that’s the thing! When you step out into God’s World, you see the things that cannot be seen in the Human World. And it will Freak. You. Out. You start realizing you aren’t on solid ground anymore. Life just moved into the supernatural and that’s just not a place we humans are used to living.

I was still too young and dumb to realize all this in 1993. But God gave me words of wisdom to hang on to anyway: "Don’t look down. When the finances feel stretched to the limit, keep looking at Me. When the income doesn’t add up, keep looking at Me. When things get scary and stuff starts happening you can’t explain, don’t look down. Keep your eyes on Me. No matter what happens, Don’t. Look. Down. Keep your eyes on ME."

The other thing about stepping out of the boat is, well, as odd as it sounds, you have to keep stepping out. It’s not that you get back in (well, some do and it is a possibility), it’s that you gradually come to accept and get comfortable in your little "plot of water". And as soon as you do, Jesus calls you further. The last 12 years have been a continual calling out; we go further and further away from the boat. The last 5 years in particular have been bigger steps each time. And for the last three years God hasn’t allowed me to even get comfortable in my little plot before calling me farther. I keep waiting for the day I can settle in for a bit. But, alas, that doesn’t seem to be in His plan for me anymore.

Last night, Jesus and I talked again at length about my current personal situation and all the overwhelming crap I have on my plate, how I can’t seem to get settled anywhere before being moved on — and that’s without including the merge stuff. As we talked He quietly reminded me, "Don’t look down."