Monthly Archives: June 2005

Posted on

Not Bad

This morning is shaping up pretty good, despite the fact that it started with weird dreams and a late awakening.

My alarm went off at its usually nasty-awful time, but I was in the middle of a weird, but very intriguing dream. So I ignored it for 10 minutes. I finally got up and shut the blasted thing off, but was still only half awake and really wanted to go back to that dream. So instead of doing the intelligent thing and just getting up, I went back to bed and tried to recapture the last dream. I didn’t. I’m not that great of a mind-bender. But I did have another very intriguing but strange dream. And when I woke up? It was 10 minutes before I was supposed to be at work.

Oops.

So I raced around the apartment trying to get ready in record time. I didn’t. It took me a half hour, even with my hair now astronomically short and easy to handle (think Amanda Tapping in this cut). I’m not sure why it took me so long. I wasn’t dawdling or anything. Anyway, then I head out to my car and remember I had to park a building away because parking sucks in our complex (not that I’m bitter about it or anything). I get to my car and head toward the entrance and—there’s a huge truck blocking the intersection that leads to the main gate. The driver was busy hooking up one of those very long dumpsters (they’ve been working on our roofs and dumping all the trash in these things, which, by the way, have been taking up parking spaces—oh, don’t get me started on all the dumba** things the management of our complex does!). So I had to sit there and wait for this &*!$ driver — who, by the way, kept giving me dirty looks and major body-language attitude like I was the problem here — to get the freakin’ dumpster all hooked up and wench-hauled that sucker onto the bed of his truck before he finally moved. 5 minutes later, I finally am able to drive out of my complex.

But—-

I got to work in less time than normal (because I was so stinkin’ late I missed all the usual traffic….). Beat all odds (believe me, that’s astounding) and found an incredibly perfect parking space in the shade and very near my office building (our campus has 3 or 4 loooong buildings), so I didn’t have to hike a mile in the 3-in. heels I impulsively decided to wear today. I arrived at my cube to discover that my boss and co-workers were in a meeting, so no one yet knows just how stinkin’ late I was. And I managed to make it to the cafeteria to grab a bagel for breakfast with 3 minutes to spare before they closed.

Whew. What a morning. And it’s only 9am.

Posted on

Happy Birthday Dad, Paul and Billie!


82 Years ago today my dad was born.

36 Years ago today my niece, Billie, was born. What a blessing she has been to our family!! She and her husband just moved back out this way — to the eastern edges of North Carolina. — Pray for them. Ed is being deployed to Iraq sometime in the next couple of months.

28 years ago today my nephew, Paul, was born. Last month his beautiful wife, Tasha, gave birth to their first child — a beautiful girl named Lorelei.

The Circle of Life keeps going ’round. Life moves on. We live, and even as those we love die, new life is breathed in.

Dad would be proud of his grandchildren. And of his great grandchildren.

Posted on

I Know

Today’s Beth Moore broadcast ended with this passage. Boy can I relate!

"Oh, that my words were recorded, that they were written on a scroll, that they were inscribed with an iron tool on lead, or engraved in rock forever!

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me! Job 19:23-27"

Posted on

[My] Salvation

He was despised and rejected–a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by…. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God for his own sins! But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped, and we were healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the LORD laid on him the guilt and sins of us all.

…But it was the LORD’s good plan to crush him and fill him with grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD’s plan will prosper in his hands. When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. I will give him the honors of one who is mighty and great, because he exposed himself to death. He was counted among those who were sinners. He bore the sins of many and interceded for sinners. — Isaiah 53

This passage has come to mean a lot to me this weekend. The Counseling Conversation by design digs deep into the soul and sniffs out the ways we run from God, hide from Him and hold Him at bay — not allowing ourselves to trust Him with every fragment of our lives. Usually what we are hiding are things we declare shameful. Like Adam and Eve, we focus on our nakedness before Him, rather than the cause of our "knowledge of our nakedness", our sin and our hiding.

Like an archeologist, I went digging — with the aid of my counselor — into the darker places of my soul and hit something solid. Gotta say, that solid thing has me scared silly. I know it must be big, for the fear it strikes in me. Yet I have no idea exactly what it is.

This experience (early last week) drove me underground, where I’ve been ever since. I haven’t the heart to come out and face the world. Hence the silence even here.

Over the weekend God led me to Isaiah and again had me read through from 49 to 54. A few passages, long familiar to me, echoed through my soul like old friends at a reunion. But this one, the one classically known as "The Suffering Servant," one I’ve known and read over and over andoverandover since I was very young, this is the one that embraced me and held me tight. I saw in it so clearly, as for the first time, my true Salvation. Not that neat-and-clean "Jesus come into my heart" kind of salvation. But the real-life gritty Salvation — the bloody-cross, beaten-to-a-pulp-then-brutally-killed Salvation. The Salvation that took every slimy, shameful, disgusting thing I ever did or thought, and ever will do or think, and paid the agonizing price in blood and cruelty.

Jesus made it possible for me to be counted Righteous. His bloody agony made it  possible for me to live blameless, even though I have many things in my life deserving of blame and shame. He made it possible for me to have Peace — not the peace that we talk of in today’s world, the absence of conflict — but the Peace God originally meant in the Scriptures, Shalom, walking and living in wholeness, harmony, spiritual health and healing with God today every day all day.

No matter what I did, no matter how shame-filled and dark my soul is, no matter how I respond today, I am still being "Saved" — bleh, that word dredges up all kinds of negative connotations for me, based on the super-religious who have given it such a bad name. But the fact of the matter is, Jesus continues to work out my salvation with me every day. I am in a continually process of restoration, as Jesus restores me to what God created me to be, to what I would have been without the tragedy of real life living in a fallen world.

This is what I cling to as I walk through the latest "valley of the shadow of death" in my life. He’s made a way, a path for me in the dark. And I will follow.

Posted on

Death By Stupidity

It’s gotta be the worst, most painful way to go. That awful moment you realize you’ve really stepped in it. You flew right into the trap. Just out enjoying the evening air, doing what you always do, going where you always go. Didn’t see the web in the dark, even with your great eyesight. Great wings and glowing tails can’t help you now. You’re caught and she’s coming for you. Soon she’ll have you completely wrapped up in a cocoon of sticky thread, and there you’ll hang, still alive and fully aware of all that’s happening, till she’s ready for some fresh meat.

Can’t say I didn’t warn ’em. I saw her over in the corner, up high so she’ll catch unsuspecting flying critters headed for the light of our window. I saw her shifting in her web, scurrying about getting it ready for company. Then I realized too late she’d gone quiet, so as not to tip anyone off. I especially warned all the fireflies. More than the usual stragglers visited me on the porch tonight. I told ’em she was there. Told them not to go to that part of the porch.

But the poor things seem attracted to the light wood around our window, and the unattainable brightness that lies beyond. It holds some mystery to them that they long to investigate. One of them got caught up with curiosity and soon just got caught up. Poor thing. He hung there scared and desperate to get out of the sticky mess he’d unsuspectingly flown into. I completely understood his plight.

How many times have I happily gone about my business, never in the world suspecting that the enemy lay in wait with a trap set just for inattentive people like me. Then suddenly HHWAP! I slam into an invisible web of sticky goo. The more I struggle, the more stuck I get. Only then do I see the enemy who laid such a nasty trap, coming toward me, ready to wrap me up still alive and hold me captive so he can feed on my still-living soul, sucking it dry of life.

I stood there and watched her wrap that poor firefly, butt still blinking furiously, in a nice, neat cocoon. Long after she was done with him and had gone back to her dinner, another unsuspecting critter who looked like he was pretty well dead now, his little light still blinked away, causing the whole corner of the porch to glow, bathing the web in eerie green flashes.  There he’ll sit, as night turns into day, until she’s ready for her next feast.

As I watched this crazy drama of "the circle of life" unfold, I struggled to comprehend how my God, who is so loving and gracious and good, could create creatures of such raw brutality and cruelty. When I implored Him to help me understand, He just remained silent — that kind of silent that a parent gets when their 4 year-old asks a "why" question that can’t possibly be answered in 4 year-old-speak.

Some things about creation I guess I’ll just never understand.

As I turned to go inside, I stopped in the darkness to once more admire the still-living fireflies dancing in the night air. Suddenly a breeze kicked up and I heard a whisper in the trees, quiet but intense, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." (1 Peter 5:8-9)

Posted on

“Breathe. Just Breathe.”*

*Danielle De Barbarac in "Ever After"

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me–watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly." — Jesus

as recorded in Matthew 11, The Message

I’m there, Jesus. Show me. Teach me. Help me!

Posted on

The Meaning of Life

When they had eaten, Jesus said to Simon Peter, Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these [others do–with reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion, as one loves the Father]? He said to Him, Yes, Lord, You know that I love You [that I have deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. He said to him, Feed My lambs.

Again He said to him the second time, Simon, son of John, do you love Me [with reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion, as one loves the Father]? He said to Him, Yes, Lord, You know that I love You [that I have a deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. He said to him, Shepherd (tend) My sheep.

He said to him the third time, Simon, son of John, do you love Me [with a deep, instinctive, personal affection for Me, as for a close friend]? Peter was grieved (was saddened and hurt) that He should ask him the third time, Do you love Me? And he said to Him, Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You [that I have a deep, instinctive, personal affection for You, as for a close friend]. Jesus said to him, Feed My sheep.

I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, when you were young you girded yourself [put on your own belt or girdle] and you walked about wherever you pleased to go. But when you grow old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will put a girdle around you and carry you where you do not wish to go.

He said this to indicate by what kind of death Peter would glorify God. And after this, He said to him, Follow Me!

……Jesus said to him, If I want him to stay (survive, live) until I come, what is that to you? [What concern is it of yours?] You follow Me! — John 21:15-22 (Amplified Bible)

We use one word to describe so many emotions. How inadequate the English language is!

Throughout my many years in church I’ve heard a lot of sermons on this passage, and much speculation on why Jesus asked Peter this question 3 times. However, it wasn’t until two years ago that someone finally showed me the subtle but distinct difference in the meaning of Jesus’ love-word and Peter’s love-word (and then this week I found out that Adria learned this in her Greek Bible class at Taylor U. That just stinks…. why isn’t anyone really TALKING about this?)

I was in a Beth Moore Bible study while in Cyprus. We were going through her study called Breaking Free. Beth came to this passage and pointed out the two different, distinct words used and I was thunderstruck. I’ve been listening to internet broadcasts of this series the past couple of weeks and last Monday’s lesson retraced my steps through this passage again.

Jesus uses a word, agapao, which means a high esteem, respect, reverent kind of love. It the same word Jesus uses in Mark 12:30-31. This word also indicates a direction of the will. The idea here is that its a choice we make; being determined to so.

Peter, on the other hand, keeps using the word, phileo, which is a brotherly kind of love.

Finally, on his last "do you love me?" Jesus switches to Peter’s word, saying, "Okay, Peter, do you phileo me?" And Peter says, "you know I do…."

The point of this banter wasn’t, as some preachers have said, to give Peter a chance to cancel his three denials of Jesus. The point was for Peter, and us, to catch the truth that phileo love just isn’t enough to keep us followers of Jesus from crashing and burning out as we serve others.

Yes Jesus said, "feed my sheep". But he goes on to say, "follow me.’ In other words, "make a conscious choice to agapao Me. Esteem Me, respect Me, trust Me with everything you’ve got. Because that’s the only way you’re gonna be able to handle all that is to come without burning out and giving up on Me."

It’s amazing to me how badly I get it wrong often times. Even now that I get the meaning of the love-words, and the whole exchange, I still often revert back to old teaching and erroneous thought patterns, believing that it’s all about me, all on me to love and thus get myself through things through sheer determination of will.

My experience with God, however, is so vastly different. And proves beyond doubt, when I think about it, just how big a liar the enemy is and how often I fall prey to those lies.

I think the thing that impacted me most though, was a realization that this is what life is all about. Yes, I’m called to serve and give my life away for others. But…. if I don’t agapao Jesus; if I don’t highly esteem Him, revere Him and make a determined choice to love Him, to want what’s in His best interest; if I just love Him like a brother, if He’s just my pal and a dear close, close friend, or if He’s just a family member, just the Father I obey because I’m too afraid not to; if I do not highly regard and prize Him as a grand treasure, then I will not survive this thing we call "Christianity". I may continue to serve, and lead, and even be held up as an example. But my heart and spirit will languish in the fires of religious burn-out.

I’m getting through this hell on earth called mourning and grief and loss each day because I so love Jesus. I soooo love Him! He cradles me in His arms, dances with me, cries with me, yells with me, fights with me, walks with me, picks me up when I fall, holds me firm when I can’t stand, carries me when I can’t get up, shelters me in His robe when the rain lashes us, covers me as the lightning flashs and thunder roars, helps me to cut loose and laugh at how drenched we are when the storm passes, sings me to sleep, wakes me with sunrises, watches the fireflies dance with me…..

There isn’t anything He doesn’t do with me, or for me. He doesn’t have to say anything and I know by His presence, His touch, His creation that He loves me. He’s proven He will not leave me, yet never tires of gently saying He won’t when I get scared and beg Him not to go. He doesn’t get offended when I get angry and doesn’t just give in to my demands. He fights with me, proving His love through His willingness and strength to stand toe-to-toe with me, not withdrawing and not bullying, but arguing His case and standing firm and resolute in Himself.

I DO highly esteem Him. I DO hold Him in the highest regard. I DO make a choice to love Him — I’ve had many opportunities to walk away, to give up on this thing He calls Abundant Life, which hasn’t much felt abundant or Life-like these last few years. But I can’t leave Him. My heart would break and my life would be nothing. HE is the thing that breathes Life into me. Without Him, there’s just no point.

And this is what I was referring to earlier. The enemy so often lies to me that I must be the one to get myself through things, I must bear the burden of agapao love alone, that what this whole exchange between Jesus and Peter is really Jesus telling Peter, "buck up, bud. You gotta carry this cross thing all the way. If you love me, work hard and follow hard, ’cause I ain’t gonna do anything for ya. It’s all on you."

What a crock!

Now…. now I’m learning that this agapao; this thing we call Love — True Love — this is my purpose. This is the reason I was created, the thing I was made to do! That, in doing this, in agapao-ing God, I live out my purpose. Can you believe that?? How simple! And I keep trying to make this purpose thing so complicated…. Here I thought, and always believed, that I was created to do things high and lofty. But it turns out, it seems, that I was just made to Love. Just to be Loved and to Love in return. Love the way God loves. To agapao. — I’ve spent the last two years seeking my purpose, and as it turns out, perhaps I have been fulfilling my purpose all along. Who knew?

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than
these." — Mark 12: 30-31

Posted on

Stirrings

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.  For you have heard my vows, O God; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
— Psalm 61

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
— Psalm 116:7

Posted on

Madness

Good weekend.
Led into crazy week.
And it’s only Monday — okay Tuesday morning.

I’m working at my new job full time. But I still managed to work 5 hours tonight at the old one, finishing up my work there, AFTER putting in a full day plus a little overtime at the new one (are you still with me, or have I lost you already?).

Got lots done — which was good. Still have piles to go. Not so good. Still, today was fun. I was busy with things I really wanted to do, creative things that interest and compel me.

Now I’m wired like tigger on speed. Great. Wonderful experienc at MIDNIGHT. On a WORK NIGHT.

No, I’m not frustrated. What would give you that idea???

Posted on

The Reason

I got into recording engineering and sound reinforcement because of a couple of different bands I listened to often in high school. One of them, The Eagles, are still one of my all time favorites. I could listen to their music for hours.

Listen to any Eagles album, I don’t care which one and take a moment to see if you can hear every instrument…. count the guitars, listen for the bass, for the tommy drums,  for the keys even the brass and percussion. It’s all there. You can hear every beat, every note, every strum. Without straining or struggling to make it out. It all blends together so well and at the same time can all be heard as distinct instruments and voices. Awesome!!

Now, tell me the engineer’s name. You can’t, can you. That’s great engineering. You can hear every nuance of these great musicians’ music but you never notice the "production". They never sounded over-produced or over-anything. Just great music. That’s a great engineer.

And that’s the kind of music I want to be a part of. You need great musicians to make great music. But you also need a great engineer to not screw it all up in the recording and mixdown process. That’s what I wanted to be. That’s what I still strive to be, every time I mix.

Tonight I happened upon an NBC special of the Eagles "farewell" tour. And I’m reminded once again of what excellent, awesome, amazing music is all about. And I think longingly again of working in a recording studio, able to just be a part of making something as great and beautiful as an Eagles album.

I love music!