I only worked about 25 payable hours this week, but I put in a whole lot more work time than that.

Two different freelance gigs have come my way — writing gigs. Can you believe it?? People actually want me to collaborate with them on some writing projects! Will wonders never cease. — These gigs, however, have propelled me into a world with a HUGE learning curve needed. I’ve spent probably another 20 hours or so just researching, reading and brainstorming for these.

A third freelance gig is in the off-ing as well. A job working the board for a weekly radio show here in town. I wouldn’t work every week, probably. It’ll be more a rotation thing. But still. A chance to learn a new board, to learn Pro-Tools (an invaluable skill for an engineer), and the experience (and resume credit) I gain… cool!

Over three years ago I felt convicted that I wasn’t using all the talents God’s given me. Nor was I really tapping into the passions I have. Two of those areas I felt strongest about were writing and sound.

A little over a year ago, when I resigned from the IMB, I felt God releasing me to follow the dreams and passions I have in these two areas.

Eight months ago, when I made the decision to move to Nashville, it was with the intention of pursing these two passions. I had no idea how to go about it, I just knew I needed to pursue them. It was long since time. I’d hidden away out of fear of failure for too long.

So here I am, three freelance gig-possibilities in the two areas of my passions I’d moved here to pursue, "dropped" in my lap by people I met at my current part-time temp job — the one I thought would probably get me nothing more than a paycheck.

I am overwhelmed. I’m in awe. I’m excited. I am scared spitless! What if I can’t cut it? What if they don’t like my style? What if all three of these fall through? What if even after working my butt off at all three, I still don’t have enough money to pay the bills? What if…?

One "what if" I’d carried with me since I got here became a real-life situation yesterday. My car needed $1,600 worth of work — and that doesn’t include the transmission, which occasionally acts funny. I came face-to-face with my deep-seated unbelief of God’s reliability and trustworthy provision. My wrestling with Him left me with a new-found deeper trust than I’ve ever known before. Now that trust is being tested.

It’s a struggle. Part of me wants to run screaming into the street as I watch my savings — mom and dad’s inheritance gift to me — dwindle into near-nothingness. Or take the first job offered to me that’s solid, decent paying and permanent, so I can have the security that comes with it.

Another part of me is comforted with the knowledge that this is what dad and mom would have wanted me to do, that they would be proud of me for pursuing these passions, living my life the way I am and would have gladly given me everything they had to help me now. They were both very encouraging of my talents and passions in both writing and sound.

Another part of me  — and this part grows bigger every hour — wants to trust God, to believe Him — believe He will provide, even when that savings runs completely dry.

This is a new place in my journey with Him. I’ve never been this "both-and" before. Both scared and in awe of the whole situation. Both untrusting and desiring to believe. Both nervous and at peace. Not the all-well, life-is-a-serene-lake type peace. But a the-storm-is-raging we’re-in-the-rapids but-I-think-we’ll-make-it kind of peace. Have you ever felt that kind? You can’t really describe it, ’cause it makes no sense. It’s not the kind that makes light of the situation, or counts it as "no problem" for God. It’s the kind that understands the gravity of it yet is convinced there’s a Greater Source in charge. Not just watching over, but in charge.

Lest you think this is just all about money — I have also been overwhelmed with the knowledge that all three of these tasks are far beyond my skill level. Should they all come about I will be stretched far beyond what I can do in my own natural self.

Speaking of far beyond what I can do — Mosaic Nashville is another stretching exercise. The "core group" of us finished "Life In Christ" Thursday — we are fast becoming the "lead team", at least for now. Until new leaders rise up. We spent many hours this week brainstorming, struggling, debating, discussing and ultimately come to some decisions about our direction and action to take in the  immediate future.

I’m doing this. I’m really doing this. I’m helping begin a new community. Do you fully comprehend the sheer scope, the bigness, of this endeavour? It’s enough to leave you breathless.

And I am. I’m breathless. Breathless with wonder, and awe. With fear, and peace. With excitement, and apprehension. With clarity, and fogginess. With God, and me.

But God faced him directly: "Go in this strength that is yours. Save Israel from Midian. Haven’t I just sent you?"

Gideon said to him, "Me, my master? How and with what could I ever save Israel? Look at me. My clan’s the weakest in Manasseh and I’m the runt of the litter."

God said to him, "I’ll be with you. Believe me,, you’ll defeat Midian as one man."  — Judges 6:14-16

"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no savior." — Isaiah 43:10-11