…it’s been four years since I went to India.
Training began four years ago today in Denver. Still seems like yesterday. My, how time flies…
Monthly Archives: January 2005
Live Like You Were Dying
If you knew that you were going to be gone this time tomorrow … what would you do? If you knew a loved one was going to be gone this time tomorrow what would you do? Erwin used to tell of relationships that were gone before he could resolve them… and reminded people that they may never have a chance to get a relationship right… and to make sure when you left a person… you were straight … that anything was possible.
This question haunts me every time I hear it.
What would I do if I found out tomorrow that I had only a few days left to life? Last year my answer would have — and did the few times I revealed it — scared my friends out of their minds. Last year I would have surrendered happily and eagerly to death. I longed for it, prayed for it, begged God for it every night.
But every morning I woke up.
Unanswered prayers…..
Now that life is beginning to come back into my spirit, I again find myself facing this question. Louis’ death, Wendy’s pondering, Tim McGraw’s song all reverberate in my soul. What does it mean to "live like you were dyin’"? For the man Tim McGraw sings about it was bull riding, sky diving, spending hours fishing with his dad. But it was also being the husband that he hadn’t been as well as becoming the friend that a friend would love to have. It was loving deeper, speaking sweeter and giving forgiveness he’d been holding back.
Would my list be as comprehensive and well-rounded? Or would it be filled with only trivial, selfish desires? It’s hard to know until you’re actually there.
My daily reading in "Failing Forward" dealt with the 10 reasons why people fail. #10 on the list was "No Goals." Maxwell says,
Joe L. Griffith believes "A goal is nothing more than a dream with a time limit." Many people don’t have goals because they haven’t allowed themselves to dream. As a result, they don’t possess a desire.
It’s been a long time since I was able to dream, really dream, about the future. The events of the last couple of years drove my heart into hiding. It refuses to go to dreamland anymore. I’m trying my best to coax it out of the cave it’s cowering in, but so far it hasn’t ventured out from under shelter.
I don’t know how to dream anymore. Not big dreams, like the grand ones I used to have. The best I’ve been able to muster is my "Get Healthy" resolution/goal for this year.
Will the ability to dream come back? Will I ever be able to dream big dreams with God again? Without dreams, I don’t know how to answer Wendy’s question. I only know that I want to. For the first time in over a year, I want to Live like I was dying….
Like tomorrow was a gift
And you’ve got to eternity to think of what
you did with it
What did you do with it?
What did I do with it?
I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
…One day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying
"Live Like You Were Dying" written by Tim Nichols and Craig Wiseman; from the Tim McGraw album by the same name
Does This Happen To You?
I’ve had several dreams over the last few days that continue to stick with me. Even as I sit here at work, combining edits and comments of the doc’s new book for the doc to read through, I keep having vivid flashbacks of my dreams.
More than that, there’s an undercurrent of emotions… I guess that’s the best way to describe what I’m feeling… there’s this undercurrent from the dreams that remains. Like a constant hum of a motor.
It’s an undercurrent of anticipation. Of expectation. Of pride (the kind you have for others), warmth, love and contentment…. even though the things in my dream were not "settled" or "finished".
I dreamed about enemies, of attempting to make alliances with an enemy chasing me in order to defeat an even greater enemy awaiting me.
I dreamed about roads, lots of roads, and traveling down many of them,
of desperately trying to avoid wrong-way drivers on a freeway full of them — I knew they were fleeing the enemy awaiting me.
of buildings blocking the way of the roads, and of me looking for a way around them,
of family members, of how proud I am of my niece and nephew,
of reconciliations,
and rain and flooding,
of disappointment because of friends who never came to a celebration (perhaps because of the rain and flooding)…
There’s more, I know there is. I just can’t remember it all right now. I didn’t write them down, as I usually do when I have dreams I remember. Haven’t had the time. Nor have I had the time to go through and contemplate what they mean.
But the thing that keeps pulling at me are these undercurrents I spoke of. They continually swell up in me. I want so much to be able to put a finger on their "cause"… the real-life cause. But I can’t.
It’s so distracting at times! It’s hard to sit in anticipation and expectation when you don’t have any idea what you’re waiting for, what you’re expecting to happen. Yet I can’t get rid of it.
Nor do I think I want to. I like the feelings swirling in my soul right now. The expectation as well as the warmth, pride and contentment. I’ll take them any day over the dark cloud I lived under for so long last year! Even on this overcast, rainy winter day, life looks as bright and warm as spring….
Louis Goes Home
I wrote this last night… but didn’t have the heart or strength to finish it.
January 4, 2005 9:10pm
Louis went home to Jesus about an hour ago. Wendy called me a few minutes ago to let me know…
Thanks everyone for your prayers for him.
Please continue to pray for Lou and Betsy as they learn to live without their only son.
God Bless You, Lou and Betsy. Your loss is profound and no one can truly fathom the pain you now feel. Don’t rush through this time, as your heart will beg you to. Don’t bury the pain under stoic faces, phrases like "he’s in a better place," and "at least he’s no longer in pain." Yes, his pain is over. But yours is just beginning. And God longs for you to let it out and express it in any way you like. He longs to comfort you in the midst of it — just has He has over the past few years.
My heart aches for you. I hardly know you, but was so blessed by your faithful ministry. And it grieves me to know the dark road that lies ahead for you. I lost both my parents within 6 days of each other in July 2003. That’s how I ended up back in LA, for a time of healing.
Lou, you were a huge part of that healing. Your ministry through music was like a healing balm to my broken heart. And you’re kindnesses, encouragement and praise of my mixing nourished my soul and gave me courage to try to fly again.
I wish I had beautiful music and soothing words of comfort to offer you. But I don’t. No one can know the path you walk now. Except God. He knows every inch of it. And He will walk every step of it with you. Try to remember that, especially in the darkness. You have walked so far already, and He has been there. He is faithful. He will be there. Always.
I’m praying for you daily.
Prayer for the Pardinis
There is a man I worked with while at Mosaic Beverly Hills. His name is Lou Pardini and he’s an amazing keyboardist/songwriter/singer. He was/is the musical director for the worship team there. I loved, I mean, loved working with him!! All the musicians there were amazing. Such talent mixed with humility. Man, that was such an awesome experience! I loved mixing them. It was a pleasure every Sunday. I miss them. I miss mixing them….
Wendy’s been sending me frequent updates on Lou’s son, Louis, who was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and has been in the fight of his life ever since. She posted an update today and the news wasn’t good. And yet it was:
BTW: Just a side note… yesterday Scott, Narda, John & I went to the hospital to see Lou/Louis/ & Betsy. We had an amazing time talking and sharing with Lou… and hearing the things that God had been teaching Lou. I learned yesterday that Louis almost died on New Years Eve. It is a miracle truly that he is still alive. Keep praying for him. The doctors are now saying the last chemo was not good. Every day, every moment is a miracle. Lou shared yesterday that he had told his friends two years ago that he wouldn’t have another moment of joy until Louis was free from his cancer…. And he told us yesterday he could not believe the kind of joy that God had given him in the last two years… along with the pain was such incredible joy… and you know it shows… and it’s beautiful.
I understand so well what Lou is talking about. There is nothing more exhilarating, more joy-filling than crying out to God in pain, frustration, anger, confusion, agony, and suddenly realizing you are standing in His presence, His deep abiding love and grace raining down and soaking you, enveloping you completely in His joyful celebration of you, His passionate affection for you, His gentle compassion for your wounds. The pain is still there, the problems haven’t disappeared, the situation hasn’t changed. But yet you feel such a deep, abiding joy. A joy you can’t explain. A joy no one can touch. You know God heard you. You know God is there with you.
It’s like when you’re a child and your dad is holding and rocking you after you’ve fallen, comforting you with cooing and kisses. Your knees are still all scrapped and bleeding, they still sting with pain. You’ll still have to go through a time of healing. And it will all hurt for a while. But sitting there on his lap, wrapped up in his strong arms, head against his warm chest, you know you are safe, and loved. And in that moment, all of life is okay.
There is nothing in this world that can compare to the experience Lou and Betsy have had. I believe it’s the essence of true worship.
Thank you, Jesus, so much!, for Lou, Betsy and Louis. They have been a blessing to so many… more than they will ever know. Thank you for giving them this life-changing experience. What a deep well of love and grace, mercy, strength and joy they have to draw from now! You are so sweet to drink from! So soul-nourishing!
Father, I don’t know what your will is. My heart cries out for Louis’ healing. To lose him now… it just doesn’t seem right to me. I know You say death isn’t the end, but it sure feels (and looks) like it from here. But I’m not You. I cannot see what you can. Please, Jesus, let Your will be done now. Let no man or spirit hinder Your will being done in the lives of the Pardinis. Please give each one of them the strength, courage and grace to face the coming days…. and years. All our minutes are in Your hands, Lord. We cry out to You for mercy. We need you, Jesus. Rain on the Pardinis. I know You will. Please, Jesus, move heave and earth to keep the enemy away from them, that they will continually sense and know Your abiding presence each and every day.
Wireless at Last
Yesterday Adria went out and purchased a LinkSys wireless hub-thing… whatever that’s called. At first we thought she was going to have to take it back, because the set-up cd wouldn’t run on her computer (a Mac iBook). Then she and I looked at the box and discovered the minimum requirements listed only Windows OS stuff. She was frustrated because she’d spent hours looking over every wifi unit to make sure the one she got would be compatible with our Macs. She went ahead and started following the directions, plugging the unit into our cable modem then connecting it with her computer. Then, as Macs love to do, her iBook discovered updates she needed to download, notified her and she automatically said yes… it took a bit for those to download, but once she disconnected… magically she was still connected to the Internet. She had all 4 bars showing on the airport. She was stunned and excited. So I opened my PowerBook and lo-and-behold! I had all 4 bars too!
Oh what joy my Mac is! No need for set up. Just plug and play. Cassie and Larry, I LOVE you both for helping me see the Mac light! Bless you, friends.
By the way, I’m posting this from my warm, soft, comfy bed…. ah, the joys of being wireless at last!
Resolutions
I haven’t had New Years resolutions per se in many years.
Instead, what I do is to declare something that I’d like to learn in the new year, something I want God to teach me, something that I can discover, or rediscover or continue learning…
Then at the end of the year I summarize what I’ve learned (in my personal journal, the one no one will see until after I die) during the year. Often I realize that what I declared I wanted to learn is what I did indeed learn, but its almost always in ways I never expected the lessons to come. I’m almost always surprised to discover this fact. Life seems to sweep me along so much of the time, even though I determine to go "that-a-way," I so often find myself swept in what seems the opposite direction than I want to go. So, like "Much Afraid" in "Hinds Feet on High Places" I despair that I will never reach the high places I long to because my path is headed in the wrong direction, only to find myself closer than I ever dreamed when December 31st rolls around.
However, this year I’m breaking my no resolution tradition…. perhaps just for this year. We’ll see.
This year my one resolution is:
To Get Healthy.
There are four parts to that:
1) Physical — by losing weight through eating less and exercising more.
2)Emotional — by acknowledging and dealing with my emotions as I experience them
3) Spiritual — by spending significant time with God every day
4) Mental — by continuing to take my meds until my doc says the depression has been eliminated
I’ve already adjusted my grocery list to eat more veggies and fruits, but I refuse to go on any diet or deny myself the stuff I love. I know myself well enough to know I will never stick with such a thing. And what I do this year must become a permanent lifestyle thing so it has to be realistic and workable.
I once lost 40 pounds through the Weigh Down Workshop program. When I talked with my doctor a few weeks ago, what he described to me was pretty much what Weigh Down is: eating only when you’re hungry and stopping when your satisfied, which is a different feeling from full, and exercising three times a week for a half hour. Weigh Down also adds on that we often eat out of a spiritual, not physical, hunger. I can say a huge "Amen!" to that. 2004 was the year I ate myself sick trying desperately to simultaneously fill the holes mom and dad left and stuff down the grief and pain that daily threatened to swallow me whole. It didn’t work. All I accomplished was to add 30 pounds to my small frame. Weigh Down’s solution is to pay attention to what kind of hunger you feel. If you’re stomach isn’t growling yet you want to eat, that’s probably you’re spirit crying out for God. So feed your spirit instead of your stomach…
I believe with all my heart that Weigh Down provides me a great frame to lose that 30 pounds, along with another 20-30, in a healthy God-glorifying way. After all, it’s worked for me before — and not only did I lose 40 pounds, but my relationship with the Lord deepened greatly. That time was an amazing growth period for me, more than ever before.
But I’m also getting older. And I’ve realized this year that I need to start taking better care of me by exercising as well. It’s not so much about getting svelte for me, at least not this year, as it is about keeping my body flexible and healthy as I enter my 4th decade on this planet. I had to take a hard look at my past exercising experiences and admit that I’ve always taken on far more than I can handle, and done things that I mostly don’t enjoy, because I thought that’s how this physical fitness thing is done. That always ended badly, with me quitting after a while, frustrated, bored and discouraged.
I’m taking a more realistic route this time. Walking around my neighborhood, hiking some on the weekends (mild hikes to start with… I ain’t at Larry’s level yet!) and short visits to the gym in my complex. They have an elliptical machine — and I love those things! I also want to try rock climbing. Nashville has two climbing gyms. Helen climbs, or used to, and I’ve always thought that was very cool. I’ve wanted to try it for years but never lived near enough to a climbing gym to make it practical. However, the costs are rather high, so I may not get to heavily into it this year.
So why am I telling you all this? Well, I’m hoping ya’ll will help me with these resolutions. It would be great if every once in a while you could check in with me, ask me how I’m doing, help me stay on track and just generally encourage as I go along. And I will post updates as the year progresses — both good and bad.
I also hope that someone somewhere might get some encouragement on their own journeys to get healthy through reading about my journey. I’ve read through many different blogs over the years, and have gotten great encouragement from some of them as I read of their courageous determination to push through the pain in their quest to get healthy. I loved reading their stories and celebrating their victories. It gave me hope for my own life. That’s why I got into blogging in the first place; to bring hope to someone else.
So here’s to New Year’s Resolutions May we all see them through this year!
Tsunami
I’ve stayed away from this subject because I can’t think of adequate words to describe the depth of sorrow and empathy in my heart for everyone touched by this tragedy. Many blogs have been focused on it all week, the news has been filled with new and unfolding details, and all my conversations have been peppered with it as well.
What can one say in the face of such disaster?
My heart breaks for everyone who’s lost someone they love, for all those — especially mothers — who had to make a choice between saving one child and letting another, or all others, die, or risking death for all of them because she can’t save them all, for all who watched others, especially loved ones, swept away by raging waters or dragged under by currents or buried under debris or cannot find their loved ones now. I cannot fathom the nightmares the survivors have, or the pain they are in. Nor can I fathom how much work is ahead of them to continue to survive.
To say that this tragedy puts my life in perspective is, to me, to trivialize it. This isn’t about me at all. It has nothing to do with me and has only impacted me on an emotional level that is so far below what others are currently experiencing its hideously selfish to even mention.
What can be done now?
So many are in need. So many will never be the same. Perhaps that is good. Perhaps it was time for a change for this region of the world. Hopefully, as the people rebuild, they will be able to see new possibilities and realize a better future for everyone who is left than what they had before. But I fear that will be a long time in coming. These folks are in for a very long, hard climb out of the rubble.
I’ve been amazed and proud to see the outpouring of support and help that has flooded the region. I’ve been very encouraged by the major corporations who have kicked in millions to support the relief effort, and even more so by all the individuals who have given millions through Red Cross and other organizations.
All we can do now is continue that flow. Continue to pray, continue to send —- and perhaps even volunteer to go. My brother called me last night and as we talked he mentioned that World Vision desperately needs people to go to the region (he lives in Seattle where their headquarters is). They have a huge amount of money that’s poured in for the effort and now all that’s missing is people to go and do. I admit, I was very tempted to sign up right then. I don’t know what I could do, but I’m ready to go do whatever I can.
Wendy has written a couple of good posts on the Tsunami, and ways we can help.
Beyond this, the best I can think to do is continually pray for all those affected by this tragedy. They need strength, grace and hope only God can give.
Happy New Year
Well, it’s official. I’ve now entered the year I turn 40.
Yikes.
That thought didn’t occur to me until a few days ago. And I started getting nervous. Nervous of all things! Me. The kid who’s always wanted to be older than she was. Always looked forward to her next birthday, couldn’t wait to turn 30, and usually starts saying she’s the next older age about six months before her birthday.
For the first time in my life (besides 2003, which doesn’t really count ’cause that was my first birthday after mom and dad died) I so do not want to reach my birthday.
Whew…. I’d planned a much happier, more positive post for this particular moment. But… well… here we are.
On a happier note, I talked with Nina shortly after midnight here and things are going very well at her home. We laughed over a shared memory both of us thought of a minute or so before we each entered the midnight hour…
When we were kids we used to go as a family out on our porch at midnight on New Years– regardless of where we were living and the temperature outside — and bang pots and pans as loud as we could and yell "Happy New Year!" at the top of our lungs. Usually everyone else in the neighborhood were in their own respective yards doing something similar
We always had so much fun on New Years eve. Eating popcorn, left over Christmas candy (my mom made the most awesomely fantastic Christmas candy ever!!), and left over turkey and fixin’s from Christmas dinner, laughing, playing games, and often watching family slides — family slides were like a huge treat for us. I can’t think of anything kids have today that could compare to that sort of treat. Pity. They have so much they can do right at their fingertips that nothing is special anymore, nothing is a treat. Pan-banging was the climax of the evening. Usually once that was done mom and dad were ready for bed. As Nina and I got older we’d usually stay up much later, but I probably would conk out not long after the banging in the new year. I say probably because I can’t honestly remember.
I do remember one particular New Years where our new neighbors were not so keen on our chosen way of "ringing" in the new year….. We were living in Casper, Wyoming. It was our second New Year there. We lived in a new housing complex and the house behind us had just recently been built. As we were banging away on our pots and yelling out to all the world to have a Happy New Year on our back porch, our neighbor in the house behind us yelled out his window that nobody cared and for us to shut up. Dad and mom were really upset. I was embarrassed at being yelled at, and a little confused. Why weren’t these people ringing in the new year like the rest of the world?
The last couple of years I’ve had a strong desire to grab a pan and big spoon and bang the crap out of ’em on New Years’. I think that’s in part to keep mom and dad alive in some small way. But I’ve always been to scared to do it, for fear of upsetting the neighbors and getting yelled at again.
Isn’t that weird. Nearly 40 years old and I’m still intimidated by my neighbors. Maybe that’s something I should change in 2005….