So don’t lose a minute in building on what you’ve been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can’t see what’s right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.
— 2 Peter 1:5-9 The Message
Monthly Archives: January 2005
Thank You
You’re emails, comments, and phone calls have been such an incredible blessing. I am so blessed. I am loved deeply by people I love deeply.
Kat, you’re my angel. My life would not be the same without you. I’m so very glad you are my friend. I love you.
Wendy, I know you called. I was in my counseling session…. but afterward I crashed with the pain of the migraine. Just knowing you called lifted my spirits and encouraged my heart. You have proved your love and true friendship over and over. God bless you, my friend! I love you.
Thank you every single one who reads my ramblings. You bring me joy. You could spend your time many ways, yet you choose to stop in here and see what crazy thing I have to say today.
God is good.
Life is hard. It sucks big time sometimes. But God is always good. Even in the suckiest moments of life. He is faithful. He loves deeply, passionately and actively.
He gave me you. That is a great gift indeed.
Migraine
There’s some unseen demon hacking his way into the left side of my head. He’s been at it all day. He was extremely active during the afternoon.
Two Immitrex tablets, a diet coke (for some reason caffeine helps ease my migraine pain) and one heavy prescription sleep aid and the pain has finally subsided enough that I can sit up. As long as I don’t move my head. And as long as I move very slowly.
Nina and Toby are on their way here from South Carolina. Toby has a meeting in the morning, but I get them from around noon till Thursday afternoon. I’d say a huge "woohoo" if I didn’t think it’d wake the demon and alert him to the fact that his damage is currently being numbed by drugs.
I hope this thing goes away while I’m sleeping. I can’t be in this kind of pain and show off my city to one of my best friends.
Discouragement
The state of being discouraged….. Discourage: to deprive of courage or confidence.
I’m there.
I’m fighting.
It’s hard.
Please pray.
Desperation & The God of the Cosmic
I applied at PF Chang’s Thursday. For any job they have. That’s when I knew I’m getting desperate for another job. I’m now applying for work I said I never wanted to do. And I’m more than willing to do it. Well, okay, not more than willing, but willing.
It occurred to me that morning morning, on my way to work, that I had underestimated the cost of my newly acquired health insurance. A mild panic began stirring in the pit of my stomach, and I ran through every scripture about God’s faithful provision of needs I could think of on my way to work.
See, my insurance from the IMB finally ran out, so now I have insurance through my temp agency. It’s the most expensive insurance I’ve ever seen. The company "contributes" a set amount (about $2) toward the insurance per hour I work, which doesn’t eliminate the cost, but does help some. I had calculated my payment based on working 30 hours a week. Now that I’m down to 20, the amount I pay goes up. Significantly.
I’ve been listening to a cd of a talk Erwin gave at Christmas (thanks Ron and Lynn for the gift!!) and it in he points out that God is at work not only in the small things in our lives, but cosmically as well. God uses the Herods and — might I even say the Bin Ladens, Bushes and Kerrys — and the other "historic", epic-size things in our lives to advance His purpose for our lives. That’s why Luke begins the story of Jesus by talking about Herod, because He was part of the story. God used the real-time politics and leaders to advance His purposes…"God works in real time. There is nothing that happens in history that God doesn’t use in some way to accomplish His purpose."
He went on to talk about how we often segment our lives, our God-life over here and our everyday-life over there…. and the two never really come together….
"…What we haven’t yet learned to do is see life in a more organic fashion. When you begin to live in intimate relationship with God you start to see the fingerprints of God in everything that’s happening around you… You’re unable to divide between God stuff and non-God stuff…. because you understand that everything connected to your life is connected in some way to God. Even the Herods. Even the Roman Empires, who would not even acknowledge God… He has an amazing way to use [them] as material to advance your life in His purpose. God acts in real time.
It was so encouraging to hear that! Not just for the obvious reason that God is working in real time in and through all the events of my life right now. But also because for quite a long time I’ve been convinced I see God’s fingerprints all over events, both international and in my own sphere of life. People have often looked at me like I was mad — or headed that direction — when I would voice how I could see God’s fingerprints on things. As if by seeing God’s fingerprints I was "blaming" God for the event, or "praising" Him for it. It was neither. It was just that I saw Him in the midst of it. I could see HIm working and moving and acting…
Like with the deaths of my parents. So many things went wrong all at once. Yet every time I look at that time, even as I was going through it in real time, I could see God’s fingerprints all over it. I don’t always see why or how or what He was working toward… I don’t know if I ever will. Even when I get to heaven the answer may still be beyond my capacity to comprehend. But I know He was all over that time. I can see His fingerprints, His imprint, all over it.
So many times in my life this has been the case. It was so wonderful to hear a leader, my pastor no less (and yes, I still consider Erwin my pastor, even though I’m in Nashville…), state that I’m not crazy for what I’ve been seeing.
Back to the cd for a moment… Erwin goes on to say, "there’s nothing random or arbitrary with God." He points out that Zechariah was in the temple that day by what most would call accident. The priests drew lots and Zechariah got the "short end", so to speak. He went about his routine. There was nothing extraordinary or unique about what he was doing. And that’s when he meets God. God acted,
"because God loves to act in the unexpected."
As I listened to this for the first time last Wednesday, I heard God whisper that He is working in this crazy financial/job thing currently going on in my life. I felt a peace come over me, a sense that God’s Spirit was pressing in on me more intensely at that moment. As if He wanted me to really pay attention and get it this time….
There is nothing random or arbitrary in the life of a follower of Christ. There are no accidents, even though it seems we got something by the "luck of the draw." It just ain’t so. God is working. God is acting. Cosmically. In Real Time. And in the Unexpected.
Do you realize how amazingly favored we are? The God of all creation steps into our lives on a daily basis, He longs to do unique, wild things in our lives. He longs to fill us with a deep, abiding joy — not the loud, excited kind but the quiet, profound kind that roots itself deep in your soul. He acts in real time, in the ordinary, routine events of our lives — like finances and jobs. He steps in and does something wild.
And we, in our deep cynicism, don’t believe. We find ourselves silent, like Zechariah.
Snow & Sun Roofs
Jesus loves me! It’s snowing!! 
I loooove watching the snow fall. Especially this this kind. The light, soft, sometimes big, sometimes small flakes that just lazily make their way down from cloud to ground. Se peaceful and beautiful.
The flurries started while I was still in church and as I sat chatting with some of the tech guys, someone came in a told us it was snowing. I had planned to hang out some and check out all their various sound equipment and rooms, but once I heard about the snow, I decided to go outside and check it out. You never know how long snow will last around here, so ya gotta catch it while you can.
I called Nina on the way home, chattering excitedly about the snow, which was coming down a little faster by then. Once I got home, I realized it was much prettier outside, so I went for a long drive. Hunger was the only thing that was able to convince me I needed to go back home.
Now I’m sitting in my bedroom staring out the window, watching the snow fall and listening to music as loud as I can crank it on my headphones.
I had a dream early last week about snow. I dreamt that it started snowing, the delicate, dreamy flurries like we’re having now and I was so amazed and excited that I opened up the roof of my car (took the roof off, really) to better see it all. I knew other people around me had to think I was nuts to be driving around in a "topless" car in the snow. But I didn’t care. It was too beautiful to not experience it as fully as possible.
I thought about that dream again today as I drove around. I opened up my sunroof about 10 minutes into my drive and took every moment I could, at stop lights and stop signs — and occasionally stopping at dead end streets — to stare up at the sky and watch the snow flakes fall over me. I know there were some Nashville-ites who thought, "this crazy Californian is driving with her sunroof open! They really are nuts out there!"
Know what? I didn’t care. I was having the time of my life, cranking the 90s tunes to the max, dancing in the car, and enjoying the snow.
There are days when God just kisses you on the cheek. Today I got one… or two.
Thank you, Jesus! I love You, too.
Redirect
The wind is roaring through the trees outside my window. Another storm is blowing in. The events of the last few days, and all I heard this evening join with the howling wind in announcing a change is on its way.
Mosaic Nashville is experiencing, for the first time, something that is inherently Mosaic. No one on the team but me seems to realize this. And I only know it because I’ve lived through many incarnations of Mosaic. Of all the wonderful things Mosaic is, one thing it is not is static. God never changes, but Mosaic remodels itself at least once every six months.
Now, that’s not a complete retrofit reinvention. It’s really a constant series of course corrections. Driven by Erwin’s passion, we sometimes head off in a direction at such lightning speed that we miss the left turn we were supposed to make. It’s… somewhere back… there…
Ten years of Mosaic life taught me that God honors passion, even when we "miss" the turn. He opens the paths up, helps us forge new roads, to get us to the place that the missed turn was going.
John is so much like Erwin. He’s not at all detail-oriented, but his passion causes you to forget that, and to consider details inconsequential to accomplishing the vision he has. He provided the fuel we need to reach escape velocity. Perhaps that’s what God intended all along. But just like Erwin, John moved so fast that he missed a turn or two. Thankfully, God always factors this into His equation for our lives!
So I’m proud to say we’re officially Mosaic now. Not even six months into this venture and we’re already working on course corrections. Now its starting to feel like home.
If this is what it really is to be a church-planter, then I love it. I really love it! Failure isn’t an option in this endeavour. It’s a given. You are going to miss some turns. You are going to blow through some stop signs. Its just a fact of life. Isn’t that the most awesome, exciting news you’ve ever heard! There is such freedom in it! Try, experiment, move, do something…. anything. If it doesn’t work, cool. You’ve learned something new.
Mosaic taught me this. Mosaic taught me to stop fearing failure. It taught me to just try something… just do something….. and see what happens. Sometimes I think God is more concerned with the process than the outcome. I mean, take a look at some of the things He’s created. Do you think someone concerned with the outcome, with perfection, would have created the Duck-billed platypus? Honestly…!
I feel for my teammates, though. Many seem to be struggling with the whole thing. I see a resistance to call this "failure". I sense a profound sadness from some, and confusion from others. I understand. I’ve been there before. They’ll get used to it after a while. And eventually they’ll be like me, craving constant course corrections and redirection and unable to live in a community without it.
Yikes, look at the time! So much for sleep tonight…
PS The wind is still roaring, the rain is now in Memphis. The storm should be here by daybreak.
My Night With Donald Miller
Tonight a bunch of us from Mosaic Nashville went to hear Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz and Searching For God Knows What, speak at the Belcourt Theatre.
I wasn’t sure what to expect. So much hype has surrounded Blue Like Jazz… that always makes me nervous about a book. Is it really as good as they say? Will I be disappointed in it because it didn’t meet the expectations I created based on all I heard? For that matter, just because a person can write doesn’t mean they’ll be a talented public speaker.
So I went with mixed emotions and dialed down expectations.
I arrived a few minutes before the event was to begin because the "short nap" I’d chosen to take after getting home from work around 3:30p turned into a deep sleep from which Adria had some difficulty awaking me. She’d gone on ahead of me to meet up with our group and secure us a good place in line. However, I arrived to chaos; a sea of people and cars flooding 21st Avenue around the Belcourt. Turns out twice as many people had showed up as could fit in the theatre. Thankfully, the Belcourt’s management shifted their schedule and allowed Don — who also graciously shifted schedules — to speak twice. 7pm and 9pm. Even then, however, many of us didn’t get "tickets" to the 9pm show (the event was free, but tickets secured you a seat). One of our group decided not to go after he got his ticket, and go graciously gave his ticket to me.
It was worth the wait and the hassle.
Donald Miller is an exceptional writer, a dynamic speaker, a witty man, a kid at heart and a wise follower of Jesus. He spoke words that both confirmed my own experience and enlightened my mind to new truths. I left wanting to talk on for hours about all that he’d said, and yet at the same time deeply desiring to get alone with God and meditate on all that I’d just heard.
Only one other speaker has had that kind of effect on me. Erwin. That says a lot about Donald Miller. I hope his books are as good as he is in person.
Percolating
I have thoughts simmering in my mind.
Like good Ethiopian coffee, they have to percolate till they’re just right. Then they’ll be ready for consumption. Often I don’t completely know what it is they are cooking up back there… I just know they are.
I know because I’m preoccupied… I’ll have these moments where the world will suddenly disappear and I’m staring at nothing while a thought will dominant my attention. Then it will fade back into the fringes of my mind again, to perk some more.
This sort of thing isn’t ideal when driving on an Interstate. Especially one as riddled with construction as I-40. One tends to come out of these stupors to find themselves nose-to-trailer-hitch with the back end of a semi. Not a fun place to be. But it does tend to wipe any residual sleepiness from the system (not to mention flushing a few other things out…).
Hopefully, some of these thoughts will be fully brewed soon. Then perhaps we can sit together and have a cup or two….
N.O.W.: No Opportunity Wasted
Be careful what you ask for, my friends. Especially from God. He will answer.
I asked for the ability to dream again. I asked to be shown my purpose. These were things I asked God for 2005, my New Year wishes and hopes, if you will. I gave Him the whole year to answer. I know sometimes His answers can be complicated, complex, difficult to grasp all in one sitting.
God seems to live by the motto, "N.O.W.". No Opportunity Wasted. (I like this motto so much that I think I may adopt it as my own). Yesterday this motto was completely unknown to me. But today I can see it all throughout Scripture. It’s so contagious that it seems every true follower and seeker of His seems to have caught it. Paul did:
"I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." I Cor 9:22-23
Jonathan did too, and so did his armor bearer.
Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, "Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised fellows. Perhaps the LORD will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few."
"Do all that you have in mind," his armor-bearer said. "Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul." 1 Sam 14:5-7
Hebrews 11 is filled with examples of people who refused to waste an opportunity.
Erwin calls this "The Jonathan Factor". I have journal entries dating back to January 1996 that refer to his teachings on this idea, and my desire to live it out in my life. After this weekend, however, I think a more accurate nomen would be The God Factor. God, it seems, is determined to never miss an opportunity to answer my questions and help my wishes come true. At least when it comes to discovering why I’m here.
This morning I went to People’s Church and the pastor, Rick White, started a series on, you guessed it, living out your dreams and living as if today were your last day (are you seeing a theme emerge here??). And as if to punctuate His intention, God added His own personal giggle moment in the form of the special music for the morning: "Live Like You Were Dying".
….I’ll just leave it at that.
Early in the service Rick asked us to quickly jot down one dream we have, that if we could do anything we wanted, what would it be. Then he asked us to write down one thing we’d change if we knew that we only had one day left to live (gee, does any of this sound familiar?). Both questions caught me off guard. How the heck did this man know to speak to these issues right now??? I hardly had time to contemplate any of this before the answer to the dream question popped into my head. It came so fast and with such clarity my brain got whiplash.
I want to write. If I could have one dream come true, if I could do one thing in life, it would be to write. Books, magazine articles, poetry, fiction, non-fiction… you name it. Keeping this blog updated, if nothing else, has shown me how deep my love for writing goes. Writing my newsletters when I was overseas — and which I am grossly behind in doing right now — also taught me how much I love to write. Sometimes I agonize over every word, other times they just flow, effortlessly, and my fingers can’t type fast enough to keep up with the rush of thoughts surging from my mind and heart.
If I could do one thing with the rest of my life, it would be to write. Spending hours thinking, musing, contemplating and then committing it all to paper. And getting paid for it!! That would do my heart good!
Neil Clark Warren once said, "Don’t try to figure out what the world needs and then go out and do it. Find out what ignites you, what brings you to life, and then go do that."
Writing is one of the things that does that for me. There are several others, but I’ll leave those for later discussions.
Could it be that this is the purpose God made me for? I don’t have any idea, but at least I’ve rediscovered one of my dreams! That in itself is no small miracle.
The second question, what one thing would I change if I knew I only had one day left to live… that one took longer to come to me. It wasn’t until later in the afternoon, after I’d spent a couple of hours wandering WalMart and was on my way home, sun shining down through the open sunroof, Mercy Me cd blaring through my speakers, that I thought of the thing I would change.
I would spend the rest of my time alive pouring love on my family. So often I have neglected them in favor of relationships with friends, or ministry opportunities. My relationship with Nina and Toby has become one of the most precious things to me since mom and dad died. And I realized today how much time I spent looking for love and "belonging" and "family" from friends rather than from her. If I knew I only had one day left to live, I would spend it with Nina. Pouring into her all the love and grace and Life God has poured into me.
I realize that’s not the acceptable Christian answer these days. You’re supposed to say that you would spend the rest of your time, that one day, pouring into those who don’t know Jesus, those who don’t yet have a relationship with Him, especially those who’ve never heard of Him — like those in far away places. That’s what we were created for, ultimately, right? Bringing glory to God and bringing new people into the Kingdom? So why is it, then, that those things are not my heart’s desire for my last days on earth? Does this make me a "bad" Christian?
A few days ago I got word that our team leader was stepping down due to some family issues. This afternoon I learned more about the situation; a marriage in trouble, a wife feeling second or even third place to ministry, a husband focused on serving God not realizing his zeal left his wife feeling neglected.
While going through the candidate process with the IMB, we were told that family resistance is the number one reason many people end up not going overseas, and one of the biggest struggles families on the field have. Yet at the same time, family are the ones most often neglected by those of us in ministry. Our hearts are in the right place, but perhaps our bodies aren’t. Where is the balance?
Have we gotten so ministry-focused, so evangelism-happy, that we have lost sight of God’s priorities for our lives? Are we using Jesus’ words when he said, “Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters–yes, even one’s own self!-can’t be my disciple." (Luke 14:26) as an excuse to ignore our families, to put them last on our priority list?
Where is the line? Especially for a single woman like me? It would be easy to draw if I were married — the line of priorities starts with my husband. But where do I draw it when I don’t have one?
I have no answers to my questions. Just as I have no answers as to how I will accomplish my writing dream, or whether that’s the purpose God created me for…. That seems to be the way of God. Understanding Him and His ways is like trying to understand the whole of the cosmos. Every answer leads to more questions.
No Opportunity Wasted. I felt proud today to know John. He didn’t waste the opportunity to put his wife and family before ministry.
No Opportunity Wasted. — to pour out love on others, to give grace, to enjoy life to its fullest. Teach me, Lord, how to suck the marrow out of Life every single day.
So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith. Gal 6:9-10 – The Message