I wrote this yesterday…. I thought I hit "Publish" but I hit "Save as Draft" instead. Proof that my brains are full of cotton and snot right now….

December 29, 2004 — 12:30pm
I’m about to go out of my mind. I can’t think straight to save my life (how I think this entry will make sense to anyone is beyond me), my nose, which finally quite running about an hour ago, is so painful to the touch it makes me cry — which doesn’t help with the runny-ness — my throat feels like I just screamed my heart out at a Panthers game for 10 hours straight (if only!), my head is so full of cotton and snot that I can’t hear myself think — forget hearing other people talk! — my chest feels like a huge elephant has taken up residence on it and I’m so tired I’m about to do a face-plant into my keyboard even as I type (wouldn’t that be attractive — the president of the organization comes in to ask me a question and I’ve got the imprint of the F5 through F8 keys on my forehead).

I want to go home so bad I can hardly stand it. But I’m the only one on our team in the office this week, and given that my hours are getting cut back to next to nothing next week, I gotta get all I can into this week. Thank God the office is closed Friday. I have a genuine excuse to lay around the apartment all day in my pjs, doing my best death-groan and generally being as anti-social as I currently feel, but cannot express.

I miss my old life in LA very badly right now. As I hauled my lead-filled body around the apartment this morning getting ready for work, I had a potent flash of the Paramount lot — green grass, beautiful park-like settings, rows of huge airplane-hanger studios, makeup trailers and goodie carts everywhere. Oh, how I miss the campus feel of a studio lot!! Whatever you need is right at your fingertips. No need to drive anywhere. Need a dry cleaner? Over by the mailroom. Bagels and cream cheese? The cart in front of the Bluhdorn. Stocking stuffers? Go to the company store. Magazines? Snack? Smoothie? Kiosk. Hair salon? Yep, got that too.

Even the quiet after-Christmas-pre-New-Year dead-ness every studio has during this time of year would be a welcome gift to me.

Security. Belonging. Safety. Friendship. Fun. That’s what a studio lot signifies in my heart. How I long for those things right now! Oh, to go back in time, to a magical period of Paramount employment surrounded by friends and safely ensconced in my entertainment life and Mosaic world…. It would be like falling into a feathery-soft, warm bed and drawing the fluffy comforter all the way up to your chin… Warm, inviting, comforting, enveloping. Peaceful.

Ugh, just writing that made me miss my bed all the more. Isn’t it time to go home yet????

I was so ready to get another producer’s assistant job and just settle into life in LA before God stirred me up for Nashville. All I want, all I’ve really wanted all year, was to nest for a while. To curl up in a warm home and rest my head on soft pillows, like I watched Nina’s dogs do this weekend. Yes, I want to live like a dog for awhile. Someone feed me, love on me and let me hang out at home while they go do all those silly busy things of life we all get caught up in.

God stirred up my heart — dreams awakened and stretched their limbs. Energy surged. For a while I felt rejuvenate and ready to re-enter the world. That energy carried me quite a while before the dreams faltered… faded… ran for cover…. —- what did happen to them???

December arrived, bringing with it the allure of a new year. New beginnings. Fresh starts. The promise of January always arouses hope in my heart — no matter how deep its buried. Each day I got more fired up. Ready to start new ventures, make fresh starts on "old" ones. Forget turning over those leaves, let’s just rake ’em up into a pile and jump in and play awhile.

I guess I developed a case of the holiday blues along with my cold. More accurately it’s the post-holiday blues. I did okay through the holidays, but now that they’re over, some of the shine seems to have worn off the reality of life. Something about those little white twinkle lights seems to soften all of life and put a warm glow over everything. Now that Christmas is over, and it’s time to take the buggers down, life seems to have lost some of it’s magic.