Monthly Archives: November 2004

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Captivated

Your face is beautiful
And Your eyes are like the stars
Your gentle hands have healing, there inside the scars
Your loving arms they draw me near,
And your smile it brings me peace
Draw me closer, oh my Lord,
Draw me closer Lord to Thee.

Through all the craziness of the day, I had precious little time to just Breathe. Lately my alone times with God have been shoved into my drive times, or snatched moments throughout the day, rather than a more consentrated block of time toward the end of the day.

This isn’t the way I want to live my life. I want it to be focused on God, where HE gets the best of my "time slots", not just slotted in where I have time. For all the frustration and loneliness I had in Cyprus, one thing I had plenty of was time alone with God. Even then it didn’t feel like "enough"… can a person really get "enough" of God??

But here, in the US… there are just so many distractions. So many things I "could" do, "should" do, want to do. God so often gets put on the "when I get to it" list. I don’t think He likes that much.

Today I heard Him calling… well, more like felt the strong pull of His heart. Kerry, my boss, was bouncing around the office like a ping pong ball, taking calls, booking interviews, and doing God-knows what else — He reminds me of some people in my past. My old Type-A friends, and a lot of executives I knew in the industry. You know, those people who always seem to have it all together, always look perfect, and never crack under the pressure.  So life, the universe, or whatever, heaps more and more upon them in some silly, vain attempt to find their breaking point. Let me give them all a piece of advice: give it up. I don’t think Kerry has one. With all the running around he did, I never saw him sweat. Which is just wrong. But that’s beside the point…

Things got crazy fast, and I, unlike Kerry, was sweating like a pig. It’s been far too long since I’ve been in the thick of things like that, and I wasn’t liking either the pressure or who I saw myself becoming under it.

That’s when I felt the pull. "Get out. Go for a walk. Take a drive. Step away. It won’t fall apart without you. But you will fall apart without Me."

Captivate us, Lord Jesus.
Set our eyes on You.
Devastate us with Your presence
….Falling down.
Rushing river draw us nearer.
Holy fountain consume us with You.
Captivate us, Lord Jesus,
With You.

I grabbed my purse and car keys, and headed out on the pretense of getting some lunch. Even as I entered the elevator to go down to my car, I felt the exhaustion creeping into my soul. I need, Jesus, I whispered. I need.

This is our "code". Years ago I recognized I had a "soul need", one that nothing I tried could ever touch. Finally, in desperation I cried out to God, "I need! I don’t know what I need, I just know I need! Can you fill me?"

Your voice is powerful
And Your words are radiant bright.
In your breath and shadow
I will come close and abide.
You whisper love and life divine
And Your fellowship is free.
Draw me closer, oh my Lord.
Draw me closer, Lord,
To Thee.

When God decides to answer a question, He doesn’t go half way. He took the next few years of my life to show me just how fully and completely He can fill me, in all the cracks and crevasses of my Needing. Today my soul-need was particularly deep, and as the elevator headed to the parking garage, I took some time to Breathe, to  fill my soul with the fragrance of God. To allow Him to breath fresh Life into every fiber of my being.

It was the best elevator ride of my life.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus.
Set our eyes on You.
Devastate us with Your presence
….Falling down.
Rushing river draw us nearer.
Holy fountain consume us with You.
Captivate us, Lord Jesus,
With You.

I had gotten a message on my cell phone from a friend in LA. As I drove down to Arby’s I listened as she poured out her heart in voicemail, a request for prayer. She, too, has been fitting God into her time slots because the fast pace of LA life has made a disaster of her Day-timer. — Well, okay, she doesn’t have one of those, but if she did, it would’ve been rendered useless long ago.

I wept as I listened again to her message. Why is it, Lord, that we say with our mouths we long to worship at Your feet all day long, yet our lives speak to a totally different set of priorities? How can this be, that two single women with no major family or career commitments can find their days so totally tied up with "To Dos" that they have no time for the only One who can, and longs to, fill them completely?

Let everything be lost in the shadows of the light of Your face.
Let every chain be broken from me as I’m bound in Your grace.
For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light
You’re full of wisdom, power and might
And every eye will see You…

I listened as my friend told me of her weekend, of hurts too deep to fathom in just the few minutes we had, and of frustrations, discouragement… and her soul-need. I hung up with her, turned to Jesus and said, "Help my friend…. please! Help my friend!" That’s all I could think to say. All that she had spoken of, all that stirred in my heart, it all came down to that one thing. My friend needs, Jesus. Only You can fill her. Please help my friend!

I don’t know if her "lesson" on God’s ability to meet her soul-need will take nearly as long as mine (I’m a slow learner), or what paths it will lead her down… But, a strange thing happened to me in the process of giving my heart over to her pain: God filled my soul-need.

Whether it was my time in the elevator inhaling deeply the amazing aroma of Jesus, or taking the time to ask God the hows and whys of my life and that of my friend, or the simple act of telling her how much I love her…. I don’t know. But somewhere in those thirty minutes, God revived my spirit and fed my soul.

I am continually astonished by God’s constant presence in my life. He makes Himself obvious to me in powerful yet subtle ways every single day. And every time, it surprises, amazes and humbles me. You would think this to be enough to completely captivate me. Forever. You would think.

But the lure of the physical world often captivates me more, then takes me captive to all it’s sparkling nothingness and sucks me dry of Life. I need Jesus to captivate me. And re-captivate me… a thousand times over and back again… Perhaps that’s how He designed me to be… a constant needing for Him, who alone can not only fill me, but captivate me, completely.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus.
Set our eyes on You.
Devastate us with Your presence
….Falling down.
Rushing river draw us nearer.
Holy fountain consume us with You.
Captivate us, Lord Jesus,
With You.

"Captivate Us"  written by Nathan & Christy Nockels – from Watermark’s The Purest Place album

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Exhausting Ride

What a crazy couple of days it’s been. I don’t quite know what to make of it all.

I went to bed last night… well, this morning really, believing that it would be a week or more before we knew who won the election, only to be surprised this morning with news of Kerry’s concession. I have to say, Kerry gained my respect, or at least a level of it, by his actions today. He was well within his legal right to hold off on conceding, to drag his heals and wait for all the provisional ballots to be counted… even ask for a recount. But rather than pushing his own agenda, hanging  selfishly onto his ambition to win and dragging the country into another drawn out legal scuffle, he did the gracious and honorable thing: Stepped aside and let the winner be the winner, from the beginning. He scored some points with me with that one. Not enough to convince me to vote for him next election. He wasn’t that good. šŸ™‚ But he did score some points.

Work was rather crazy the last couple of days, especially today… I’ve never seen so much activity over an election result before. I’m actually used to the election just being one distraction of many during the day, not the whole focus of the day. And I’m definitely not used to my coworkers getting excited and celebrating wins for conservative issues or candidates. Wow, was that a weird experience! We had a staff meeting in which the president talked all about the election and how the outcome of the various "victories" will impact the future. I sat there, almost in shock. I kept having these crazy flashbacks to where I was 4 years ago. How different my situation was then!

I was working in tv post production at Paramount. The only, and I mean only Republican in my department. I tried not to discuss politics. But because the people there were so incredibly bored, and detested their jobs, they looked for anything that could distract them from their work… politics was great for that. Eventually it got out that I was one of those "right-wingers"… perhaps they just decided it had to be thus, because they already knew I was going overseas as a missionary. So I was constantly bombarded with questions and accusations. How could I support this or that in the Republican platform??? How could I be for Bush??? And against gays and against women’s rights and against…. yadda yadda yadda…

I think I handled it all quite well, actually. But that was only because God poured out His grace over me, and helped me keep my tongue in check… or in cheek, as the case was at times. šŸ™‚ He gave me the grace to have a sense of humor about it all… When you get down to it, it’s really all rather funny to me — and fun! — to watch and listen to liberals go off on the evils of conservatism and how virtuous their views are. I think that’s why I love "The West Wing" (tv show) so much. So often liberals trip over the truth, claim it as their own, without ever realizing 1) God came up with it first; 2) it doesn’t fit with the rest of their beliefs (pluralism at it’s weirdest); 3)even when they portray Truth as "evil" or "intolerant," their very arguments prove the rightness, goodness and wisdom of it; and 4)–and the scariest to them!– often it’s actually conservative values their espousing. They get it "right" more than they will ever know… amazing. For more on this, see my Democrats just don’t get it post.

When I was younger, political debates really frustrated me. My oldest sister, Paula (whom I love dearly, but don’t agree with hardly at all when it comes to politics) is a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. A Flower Child who never grew up — and never intends to. I would get so frustrated and flustered trying to talk politics with her. Not only can she talk/debate circles around me, but her passion and conviction are incredible forces to be reckoned with. As were the passions and convictions of my coworkers.

However, my coworkers weren’t my oldest sister — that is to say, I didn’t have a need to impress them or be liked and respected by them the way I did my sister. So I felt free to just smile and say, that’s nice… but it didn’t change my mind. I felt free to choose not to respond, not to defend my position (which I’d not felt with my sister, for some stupid reason). And I felt free to take time in thinking through, and giving voice to, my convictions. It made for interesting work days leading up to the election, that’s for sure.

Then Florida happened… have you ever noticed that since 2000, people refer to Florida as if it just appeared out of the ocean in November that year? It "happened". Florida. Happened. (insert dramatic music here). And I was at fault. I never figured out how I was, but my coworkers were convinced of it….

It was quite a ride, those recounts… and then came the accusations that Bush had stolen the election. Stolen Florida….
Poor Florida. First it "happened", and then it was "stolen".
And it was all my fault….

As I sat in the conference room today reflecting on those experiences four years ago, I marveled at how different things are for me now. TV Post was NOT a happy place to work. No one, not even the boss, liked their jobs. Morale didn’t exist, there was lots of gossip and backstabbing… it was a dark, dark place. My work environment today, on the other hand, is just the opposite. Everyone I work with now seems to enjoy their job. There’s no gossip or backstabbing, at least none that I’ve heard yet — and by now I would have heard it. You’d be amazed by what people tell temps! — and there’s a spirit of gratefulnes and humility that I’ve rarely experienced at a job — and sadly, even within many ministry teams I’ve been a part of.

I’m still completey mystified as to what God has in store for me at this current job. But today I was grateful just for the chance to experience, and celebrate, an election victory with coworkers who share my political bent

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Here We Go Again….

And the ride begins!

Zogby says the polls trend towards Kerry…. Gallup says…???? CBS says, Bush is up, but not for long… and Fox Channels says, "stay tuned"…

The polls aren’t even closed in California yet and already the news pundits are speculating. That’s always been the case… always frustrated me as a California resident/voter. But now, being a Tennessean/frustrated non-voter, I’m actually chomping at the bit to get results….

Ugh… I think it’s gonna be a loooong night….

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God & The Choices

Perhaps I’m being a pessimist, but I just have this creeping, crawling feeling in my stomach that things will not go well tomorrow. I fear that we will not have a clear winner, that one side or the other will become angry over the way the numbers are going and that litigation mayhem will ensue (pun accidental, but ultimately intended).

Please tell me I’m being an incredible pessimist. Please tell me that this election will go better than the last presidential one. Please tell me that….

…well, just tell me when it’s over.

The sad thing is, normally I would say, I’ll cast my vote and hope for the best, knowing I gave it my "all"…. But I can’t do that this time.

I missed the registration deadline. Yes, that’s right all you lovely Democrat friends of mine. My vote will not cancel yours out this year. Celebrate this fact now. Because there won’t be a next time (I hope!). Blame it on the move… blame it on absent-mindedness… heck, blame it on Nashville…. Hey, I think there’s a country song in there somewhere! šŸ™‚

Actually, blame it on Tennessee and California. See, California’s deadline for voter registration is sometime in mid-October. So, I thought I had plenty of time. Who knew Tennessee had a different deadline??? An earlier deadline.

Drat! Shoot! Crap! Daggumit! (see me stomping around my apartment in complete frustration) This is the first, FIRST mind you, election EVER since I turned 18 that I haven’t voted. DRAT!

So, who ever wins, or doesn’t win, this election, I won’t be able to say it wasn’t my fault… because, who knows, maybe my vote could’ve been the one to push it over the top….

Of course, this won’t keep me from complaining about all the stupid things that whoever gets the Office does. I’m an equal opportunity complainer. I’ll even complain about the one I wanted to win, if he does.

Who  should win this election? And does God really care about who the US elects as its leader?

I think so… I think the wackiness of the 2000 election proves that God does weird things…. yeah, some people say it was Florida’s fault. Others say it was the Supreme Court’s fault. But I personally think it was God’s doing. But that’s just me… I have no real proof to back that up. Just raw gut belief. Down-to-the-core-of-my-being-belief. God does what He wants, despite our stupidity…

And then again, sometimes He lets us wallow in our self-made mud-encrusted, crap-filled pig-styes… so who knows?

Wow. Re-reading this, I think some may say I’m making God out to be some wacked-out Puppet Master, who does what He likes when He like and how He likes, regardless of our wishes. I don’t believe that at all. I think the writers of ‘Bruce Almighty’ had it right when they wrote: "You can’t mess with free will." We all get to make our own choices… and so does God. He acts on His choices and sometimes His action negates your action based on your choices made in free will… We’re not His puppets, or pawns. We, instead are players in our own right… but we are players in a larger game than we realize. A cosmic one where our souls are the prize and our lives are the on the line….. But I digress….

By the way, if Jesus looks like Jim Caviezel (which I wouldn’t complain if He does!), then God should look like Morgan Freeman. Don’t you think? He made a good God… if I do say so myself… But I digress, again…. which I’m allowed to do, because it’s my blog….

I heard a question the other day on a tv news show, "is God on America’s side?" How quaint. How silly. How down-right arrogant of us "Americans" to think that God would be on our side.

"God doesn’t have any side but His own!" I screamed at the tv media dork who thought to ask such a silly question. Yet even as the words left my mouth (along with chunks of my milk-saturated Oreo cookie), I realized…. many people in America think that very thing. God is on our side. Whatever side they stand on: liberal, conservative, libertarian, independent… for, against, undecided, in the middle…. it doesn’t matter. We all think God is on our side.

When all the while God is walking a completely different path. Playing a completely different game. Waging a completely different war, on a completely different front, for vastly different reasons… and with much higher stakes.

When I lived overseas, American politics was so far removed from my daily activities that it actually annoyed me greatly when someone sent me a politically charged email. Today, working for an organization plumb in the middle of the political arena, by its own choice, I find myself living and breathing it… and choking on all the smoke and…um… fertilizer… I see across the whole political arena.

Does it matter, in the end, who ends up in the Oval office next January? Living here at the crossroads of politics and religion, where it feels like a dark storm is brewing, some part of me wants to give in to the alarmist’s cries and say, "yes! It’s of vital importance." Which causes anxiety to rise from the depths of my stomach and work its way up into my little brain, dragging bits of my Oreo with it…

But when I quiet my soul and listen, I hear God whispering that His will, His work and His plan doesn’t hinge on the one election of one man in one nation on earth. Does He have His favorite, whom He would cast His vote for? I’m sure He does, but He hasn’t bothered to tell me that juicy tidbit… not that it would matter. I can’t vote anyway!!! (hear me stomping around the room again in frustration)

I realize the above appears to contradict what I believe about what happened in 2000. But, really, it doesn’t. God’s plan isn’t hinged upon this election, any more than it was hinged on the 2000 election. But sometimes, God does extraordinary things… sometimes to prove He’s God, sometimes because there’s a bigger picture He’s working on… sometimes I think it’s just because He can.

Not that He plays with people the way I play with my Oreos before I devour them. I think sometimes He gives us something, does something for us just because He loves us and wants to just bless us, for whatever reason.

I realize there are some out there (Kat, I love you!!) who definitely do not see Bush’s election as a blessing for anyone other than Bush… and perhaps it wasn’t a blessing for you. Or for others. I know his choice to go to war in Iraq had all of us serving overseas in the "neighborhood" quite nervous, anxious… and even a little frustrated at how that war would impact our ministries to those we love and were working hard to serve in that region of the world.

But when I quieted my soul, I heard God whispering that His will, His work and His plan doesn’t hinge on one war by one nation in another one nation on earth. He is bigger than that. And so is His purpose.

All this to say, I don’t know who "should" win tomorrow. I don’t know if there even will be a winner tomorrow. I don’t know what the American political landscape will look like come January 2005… Heck, don’t even know what my own life landscape will look like come the new year!

So many things are uncertain. But of this one thing, I am convinced:

I survived eight stinkin’ years of Clinton. I think I can handle whatever comes next year. šŸ™‚

"Remember this, fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say:
My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please."
— Isa 46:8-10